How much help do you get?

[Bella1185]

Was just speaking with my friend who lives out of state, and she was complaining because she wasn't able to "get a break" today. I'm like yeah tell me about it, that's just being a mom! Well, turns out 5 days a week her mom and MIL take turns watching her daughter for 3-4 hours at a time while she gets housework and such done. She doesn't work and is SAHM. Um...must be nice to have family around?!

DH works 80+ hours a week, and all our family lives out of town, besides MIL who is too busy to watch DD. My friends work or have kids of their own.....Literally, I have no help, ever and that's fine- yeah it's exhausting and I'm currently looking into hiring a nanny so I can focus on career a bit/have just a moment to breathe- but, I always thought that's how it is for most moms???
(ETA: I should state that DH really is quite helpful and I'm thankful for that! He just isn't home ever to do much!)

How much help do you all get from outside family/friends/etc?

 

[SarahBear]

I'm on maternity leave until June and my husband is a stay at home dad. The hard part starts when I return to work.

 

[shinona]

I have my parents fairly near by and we see them on a Friday usually and for Sunday lunch. They play with the kids loads when they visit and I usually take the chance to put on a washing for example but that's it. My in laws live in the same town but are generally not helpful at all.
Personally I wouldn't want someone taking my kids for that amount of time each day. I like spending time with them x

 

[Beanonorder]

I live in China so my parents to have come over for six weeks to help out. They arrived the week before ds was born. Its fantastic having them here, especially for dd. I also have a nanny/cleaner who works Monday to Friday. I worked full time so had to hire someone to watch dd during the day. I'm dreading what the weekends will be like once my parents leave. I'm really hoping dh actually steps up and helps but so far it's not looking promising.

 

[wish4baby]

Wow, your friend gets a lot of help lol!!!

I have a housekeeper who comes every other week, she does a thorough cleaning, but no laundry... That's about all the "help" I get! My husband works a lot - he has his own company & works another full time job. He does like to BBQ, so that's a weekend dinner sometimes and he's great with the big kids, takes them to sports/activities/spends time with them, etc. but he doesn't do any "baby duty"!

I homeschool my older 4 kids, so I do have help from them - they do household chores, make breakast or lunch sometimes, maybe watch the baby while I shower or get dinner on, etc...and just recently I've started leaving the 3 oldest boys home if I have to go the grocery store or run errands or something...(13,12,11)! That's a huge help!

Our family all live about 5 hrs away and I wouldn't trust anyone else with the baby. I wish we had family close, but I still wouldn't leave them THAT much!

 

[Ashersmomma]

Wow! I can't believe she gets that much help.
DH works 2nd shift at a job about an hour away. He's gone between 10-14 hours a day, depending on the work load that day. I'm home caring for the kids and doing all the house work myself. I had DH home helping for a week after DS was born before he had to go back to work. I just have to fit in laundry and dishes during naps. We can't afford help and my family parents work so they don't have time to help, but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I'm enjoying the time with them while I can. Once DS turns 6 months I'll be job hunting and, hopefully start working soon after, so I'll have to put them in daycare.

 

[Captain]

I moved from the UK a few years a go so have zero family here. DH works away too so totally on my own when he's gone! He goes for three weeks and is home for one, he's awesome when he's here I've barely done a thing since he came on Sunday!

 

[RaspberryK]

No help, dh works shifts sometimes and always long hours, he barely lifts a finger and creates huge amounts of work for me when he's here. If he looks after ds at all it's chaos, he won't feed him a proper meal, he will ignore ds and play on his game or play lego "with" ds but actually builds stuff for him and gets cross if ds just plays with the bricks his own way.
Xx

 

[SoupDragon]

I have DD all day (and night!) every day, unless DH takes her for an hour or so before he goes to work to give me a chance to get a bit of sleep. I'm very grateful for that of course! She's only up for an hour max after he gets home from work, so he can't do a lot with her. He spends a bit more time with her at weekends but I still usually have her almost all the time. I'm ok with that except when I have to pump...tbh I'm dreading going back to work and just want to spend as much time with her as possible before then!

To be fair he does most of the cooking and helps out around the house while I'm looking after DD. I still do the laundry and food shopping but we share everything else.

His family are just down the road but tbh DD doesn't know them...his Dad has finally realised he needs to see a lot more of her if he doesn't want her to cry every time she sees him, but his sister is hopeless and keeps saying she'll come and visit but never turns up. She's more interested in her husband's grandson.

My parents live a long way away but they are amazing when they visit. My Mum is so good with DD - DD loves her so much. My Dad's a little nervous with her, but he's besotted. They chat on skype a few times a week so DD knows who they are. She doesn't do nappies, because she's not confident carrying DD on our steep staircase, but she does bottles, feeds her, plays with her, cuddles her for naps, and is responsible for at least half of her wardrobe

 

[heidi87814]

I live in China so my parents to have come over for six weeks to help out. They arrived the week before ds was born. Its fantastic having them here, especially for dd.

That's so great, Beanonorder. I'm in a similar position to you except we're living in Korea. About a week before DD2 was born, my family and loads of hubbie's family came over to visit and they were there for the first month of DD's birth too. So helpful! I had a homebirth so it was so nice to have my family take the older kids for a few nights while I labored and spent the first 36 hours with the baby.

Ever since they left, though, it's pretty much just us. We've had one date night out since DD2's birth where a friend came over to watch the kids for a night but that's about it.

No help.

The family'll be back at the end of September for this new baby though so we're sure they'll be there to help out again.

 

[catty]

my MIL looks after the kids every night from 4.30pm until my OH finishes work. I go straigjt to work though so not like I get time to myself but its still a help.
on wed afternoons FIL takes lucas to the park from 1pm so I get the afternoon with Evie and every sunday evening we go to MIL'S who cooks for us and feeds the children (she wants to) so thats a great help as I can sit and relax a bit.
I certainly dont get much time away from the children though, apart from maybe 1-2 hiurs a week which the kids are with OH. We are lucky though as if we want a nigjt out both sets of parents would easily have the kids overnight. were moving house and my mum is going to have them 2 nights. I certainly no how lucky we are though and in no way rely on them. if FIL couldnt do a wed for some reason I wouldnt be moaning about it.

 

[RosieRosieP]

Wow that's a lot of help not sure I could be away from DD that long that often.

My parents/in laws are both local and pop in regularly and I'll sometimes get washing out of the machine whilst they give DD a cuddle etc.

I get my housework done round her so before she gets up, naps and after she goes to bed. I'm going back to work in six weeks I have no idea how I will manage x

 

[mammy2oaklen]

None

We live two hours from any family and only moved in June so have no real friends here yet. My dh works extremely long unsociable hours so I'm completely alone with 3 kids I try to visit family twice a month but since having #3 it's become more difficult hopefully ad he gets bigger it will be easier.

I really miss having family there especially when ill or one of the kids has had a bad night just the way my mum used to take them for me to sleep or shed come over and clean for me I'd love to have that support now like I did with the other two

 

[adrie]

That is mostly what it is like for white families. Mine included. Not immigrant families who actually care about family unity and help take care of the babies and children. If your friend is a white person, she is truly privileged, good for her. I'd settle for one 3 or 4 hour day every week with some help to get those things done!

The way I put it is, as a white person, you're pretty much either on your own, or you've hired help staff (so, in other words, you're wealthy enough to afford live in/live out nannies, cleaning staff, etc.).

And in answer to the question: for me, minimal. I am that mom with her toddler strapped to the stroller in the doc's office while I'm getting a pap smear. It's embarrassing. I just had to reschedule a dental appointment because I couldn't get a friend to just watch her for a mere hour. When my daughter grows up and if she has children, we are actually going to be there to help her whenever she needs it.

Having said all of that, my fiance and I help each other a lot and take turns when there is something solo the other wants to do, and it works great!

 

[catty]

That is mostly what it is like for white families. Mine included. Not immigrant families who actually care about family unity and help take care of the babies and children. If your friend is a white person, she is truly privileged, good for her. I'd settle for one 3 or 4 hour day every week with some help to get those things done!

The way I put it is, as a white person, you're pretty much either on your own, or you've hired help staff (so, in other words, you're wealthy enough to afford live in/live out nannies, cleaning staff, etc.).

And in answer to the question: for me, minimal. I am that mom with her toddler strapped to the stroller in the doc's office while I'm getting a pap smear. It's embarrassing. I just had to reschedule a dental appointment because I couldn't get a friend to just watch her for a mere hour. When my daughter grows up and if she has children, we are actually going to be there to help her whenever she needs it.

Having said all of that, my fiance and I help each other a lot and take turns when there is something solo the other wants to do, and it works great!

I understand what your trying to say but I dont agree. its nothing to do with colour but more about culture.

 

[adrie]

That is mostly what it is like for white families. Mine included. Not immigrant families who actually care about family unity and help take care of the babies and children. If your friend is a white person, she is truly privileged, good for her. I'd settle for one 3 or 4 hour day every week with some help to get those things done!

The way I put it is, as a white person, you're pretty much either on your own, or you've hired help staff (so, in other words, you're wealthy enough to afford live in/live out nannies, cleaning staff, etc.).

And in answer to the question: for me, minimal. I am that mom with her toddler strapped to the stroller in the doc's office while I'm getting a pap smear. It's embarrassing. I just had to reschedule a dental appointment because I couldn't get a friend to just watch her for a mere hour. When my daughter grows up and if she has children, we are actually going to be there to help her whenever she needs it.

Having said all of that, my fiance and I help each other a lot and take turns when there is something solo the other wants to do, and it works great!

I understand what your trying to say but I dont agree. its nothing to do with colour but more about culture.

Culture and race go hand in hand.

 

[catty]

in certain places but I would say a white uk resident and a black uk resident might still have the exact same family set up especially if they are both raised here.
I do have a large family help and dont hire outside help....and im also white.
I understand what your getting at though an indian woman I work with all the family get together and help cook and clean and help to make sure the mum gets as much time with the newbor, wish it was like that alot more but actually I like my space so sure it would annoy me

 

[MrsKChicago]

I get enough help to manage, but more would be nice. I'm breastfeeding aside from a few bottles a week, and baby doesn't like being put down, so generally I do all the baby stuff, and DH does the cooking and cleaning. We're working on getting me one morning off to catch up on sleep, but Teddy doesn't always cooperate.

As for outside help - my mom would be here all the time if I'd let her, but her idea of "helping" is cuddling the baby (and not always in good, healthy positions - bro and I have both had to correct her), commandeering the tv, and making sneaky jabs about my housekeeping. God forbid she offer to bring lunch or change a diaper. It is nice just to have someone else hold him for a bit, but she drives me crazy, and it's not worth it.

I have a friend who's happy to come over with lunch and take him off my hands, but she's been out of town a lot lately, so she's not over as often as she usually is. She's back now, thankfully. She has a bad foot, so I wouldn't expect her to get up and change diapers, but she doesn't make me crazy, she gives me a break from holding him, she'll feed and burp him if I prepare a bottle, I don't have to clean for her, and she doesn't make me crazy, so those visits do a lot to keep me sane.

That's about it. My SIL would come with advance notice, but she has a toddler, so she'd have to find a sitter or chase him around my house, so I haven't asked her to help yet. Most of my other friends and family aren't local.

 

[Larkspur]

DH works full time, including two late nights. I work 32 hours a week at the moment, though it's at home, and we have a nanny Mon to Thurs, so I see the kids during the day.

Fridays my parents take DS 10-4 so it's just me and the baby, but I have to fit in at least two hours of work plus some housework that day.

Inlaws have never taken the kids or offered to, apart from when I left DS at our home under MIL's supervision for an hour once and in that time he broke a mirror and sliced his head on a piece of it, so that was the only time I left her with him.

We have cleaners come in once a fortnight and it takes two of them three hours to vacuum, mop and clean the bathrooms and kitchen, so that tells you something about the scale of the housework.

I do all the night feeds, always have. Sometimes I get an hour's break in the weekend, but otherwise evenings (after the kids are in bed and dinner is done) are my only regular breaks.

 

[CaptainMummy]

Not alot!
Im a single mum, so its just me and the girls almost 24/7. Their dad comes up 2/3 days during the week after his work, but only for an hour because they go to bed not long after he gets here. When he is here, I can rattle through the dishes, put washing away and tidy up a little (sometimes. Other times, he might as well not be here, as I do everything myself!)
He comes up on a Saturday and I usually disappear for a few hours in the morning so a) he can spend some time with them and b) to get the heck outta there!
So yeah, those few hours are my only proper 'break' but I appreciate that some mums dont get even that! Plus, I end up taking one of the girls with me half of the time!

My family live minutes away, but they all work so arent able to help out much. My sister sometimes takes Paige swimming on a Friday after school (she is a teacher) and we usually go out with my mum (also a teacher) on a Sunday morning, for brekkie and a wander!

I definitely wouldnt feel right if my kids were away for 3-4 hrs every day, whilst I was in the house doing nothing?