How much help do you get?

[JessyG]

I work Tues-Fri and so my OH looks after her two days and my mum the other two. I resume mummy duties as soon as I walk through the door. As my OH has to take his days off during the week for me to work. I rarely see him at the weekend meaning it is just B and I.

The only break I get is the evenings when she is in bed and during nap time. This is fine with me. Although perhaps a few hours on a sat/sun every so often would be nice to do shopping/cleaning or meet up with a friend.

My mum has agreed to look after her for a few hours at the end of May so I can meet up with my friend visiting from London.

Although I don't get lots of babysitting help I consider myself very lucky. I only have to make dinner 3 times a week and my oh is good with washing/dishes etc so we both do our fair share.

I do all the night wakings though which I guess is my one complaint!

 

[sue_88]

Single mum, no help at all with anything. It's exhausting but we get by.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I honestly have seen from experience the ones who get loads of help (like the person in the original post) actually cope the worst and fall apart at the first time they don't get a break. No one wants to be like that x

 

[MumToEva]

I don't have overly much help, but enough to appreciate the break. I work 2.5 days a week, so the kids are in nursery 2 days a week and my mum does the extra half day, despite living an hour away. I also put the kids in nursery an extra half day a week as it lets me get the bulk of the cleaning done and a bit of time to myself. My mum and dad will babysit for an occasional night out if we want, but i don't ask often. My MIL isn't interested. My husband does a good amount with the kids and is home every weekend and evening.

We'be decided to move closer to my parents as they are good to us and wantto be more involved withthe kids but for the distance.

The amount of help the person in the OP gets would bug me - I wouldn't want to have a half day away from the kids every day!

 

[heidi87814]

That is mostly what it is like for white families. Mine included. Not immigrant families who actually care about family unity and help take care of the babies and children. If your friend is a white person, she is truly privileged, good for her. I'd settle for one 3 or 4 hour day every week with some help to get those things done!

The way I put it is, as a white person, you're pretty much either on your own, or you've hired help staff (so, in other words, you're wealthy enough to afford live in/live out nannies, cleaning staff, etc.).

And in answer to the question: for me, minimal. I am that mom with her toddler strapped to the stroller in the doc's office while I'm getting a pap smear. It's embarrassing. I just had to reschedule a dental appointment because I couldn't get a friend to just watch her for a mere hour. When my daughter grows up and if she has children, we are actually going to be there to help her whenever she needs it.

Having said all of that, my fiance and I help each other a lot and take turns when there is something solo the other wants to do, and it works great!

I understand what your trying to say but I dont agree. its nothing to do with colour but more about culture.

Culture and class. But race goes hand in hand with class.

I'm a Brooklyn latina and I barely saw my mom and aunt while I was growing up. Why? Because they were in Manhattan raising the little white babies. My mom didn't know a single nanny in that neighborhood that was white, and all the families who hired nannies were white.

 

[catty]

well maybe I am just niave to it then as I really dont see that at all in scotland. lots of coloured doctors and pharmacists etc here. my dentist is black and my sons orthopedic specialist is indian.
maybe it is completely different in other areas of the world.

sorry just realised that is totally nothing to do with the topic sorry.

 

[MindUtopia]

Absolutely none. Any help we have, we have to pay for. Occasionally, when we are visiting family or they are visiting us, one of them might play with our daughter for a bit, which usually means I'm the kitchen cooking us dinner, or might take her for a walk outside for 15 minutes. But otherwise, no we don't have any unpaid help. Our friends with kids are too busy with their own kids and our friends without kids aren't really comfortable around them, so I wouldn't ask them to help. We just have ourselves. And nursery or a babysitter which we pay dearly for. Certainly, it's a blessing and to be honest, I couldn't be a SAHM. My time at work is my time to myself and I love it. If we had family nearby, I would be happy for my daughter to spend time with them if they were happy to have her though. My grandparents had me full-time until I was about 3/4 and then every day after school until I was 11 and it was great. I loved the time I got to spend with them and I think having grandparents involved is a really positive thing (assuming they're good role models). But it's just not an option for us. One set of grandparents lives 1.5 hours away and have visited us once since our daughter was born 2 years ago (we have to visit them if we want to see them). They other set lives in another country and visits maybe 3 times a year.

 

[sbl]

No help.
I do live close to both families but generally I do everything.
My mum is awesome but no way would I ask her to take lo 5 times a week so I could clean.
She's got her own house to sort and things to do.
She will babysit no problem but to be asking for help that much to me sounds a little selfish.

 

[MrsPear]

My oh and I have no physical day to day help, but we are well supported. Our families call us up, and send the children cards etc, my dad came up for a day when Joni had chicken pox and we were stuck inside to save my sanity for a day, oh's mum came up to visit a couple of weeks ago and coincided it with a hen party I was invited to so I could go out for 4-5 hours (my oh is a wonderful man but he isn't confident looking after both children so I wouldn't have left them just with him)...that sort of thing.

So day to day it's just us and currently I'm struggling to find childcare so finding it hard to get a job right now etc, that's the hard part for us. But you won't ever hear me complaining because I know I have so so much support in other ways, we are truly blessed and I know it. Also my oh does his fair share of household chores and more.

I think the person in question just doesn't appreciate what it's like for a lot of other people.

 

[AP]

We had absolutely nothing when they were babies. And it was fine tbh, i didnt know it any other way

 

[Scottish]

No help here. My family live 3.5 hours away and oh family live in Kurdistan so we do it alone. He works 6 days a week and home at 6pm where he is brilliant help. He bathes our toddler while I am busy feeding new baby and he keeps him busy at nights as baby cluster feeds at night. It's hard but we are coping well so far I think lol

 

[x__amour]

None. It has always just been DH and I.

 

[NotNic]

I guess very little. My Oh has worked away this week and was away for a stag do last weekend. He has a voluntary role as well which is very time-consuming. Atm I'm on maternity leave. My eldest is at nursery twice a week which is helpful but I don't receive any help from anyone towards the housework, laundry or meals. I do 98% of the bedtimes on my own, arrange almost everything to do with the children so if the eldest is going somewhere with Oh it's me that gets him ready.The grandmothers are available to babysit for a couple of hours here and there, but not a regular thing at all, but they are there if we really need them. I do go and stay with my mum every now and then which gives me breathing space.

 

[Bella1185]

DD I were just skype-ing my mom (DDs grandma) who resides in another state, and she said to DD "I'm sorry your mommy bitches that she gets no help! But I just love living where I live! When I come visit I'll watch you so mommy won't complain, but you'll probably hate me like you always do..."


No a shock coming from my mother but it's always still a lovely surprise the way she can be

 

[Jes.shortcake]

My husband works a lot so it's mostly just me. We have family close but everyone works. The only break I get is Saturday mornings when I go to the grocery store. One Saturday I'll get my dad, then the next my OH's parents, my sister, then my cousin..and I just kinda rotate it because they all have their own lives too.

 

[Aliop]

No help. Just my husband and I, his family live 9 hours away and mine are only 1 hour away but have never shown an interest in helping out at all (and twice I've asked them to babysit and twice they've made excuses not to so I no longer ask). My husband works away a lot so mainly its me and the kids, not so bad though oldest son is at school now and my daughter goes to preschool twice a week. I just remind myself that the days are long but the years are incredibly short, gets me through the tough times

 

[Aliop]

No help. Just my husband and I, his family live 9 hours away and mine are only 1 hour away but have never shown an interest in helping out at all (and twice I've asked them to babysit and twice they've made excuses not to so I no longer ask). My husband works away a lot so mainly its me and the kids, not so bad though oldest son is at school now and my daughter goes to preschool twice a week. I just remind myself that the days are long but the years are incredibly short, gets me through the tough times

 

[liz1985]

My mum has dd all day mon and tue and ds mon and tue afternoons after nursery. She used to have them at her house but has just moved house and now has them at my house. She will usually put me a load of washing in or do some ironing while dd naps. Im very gratefull it really helps. Apart from that no help as such. OH is good on his days off. My parents and in laws will babysit if we ask, but its usually only once a month if that that me and OH go out together so they dont get asked that much.

 

[bdb84]

Not much, but I could if I reached out.

I am a single mom to three; my youngest being nearly 2 months old. STBX (father of all three of our children) left us when I was 7 months along with her. He still is a huge help *financially*, but hands on he is lacking severely. I consider it a success if he sees the kids for an hour or two a week.

My in-laws are highly disappointed and angry at him, so I have their support, but I feel awkward asking for it. They are still great with the kids and me and are always checking up on me, but it doesn't feel right reaching out to them anymore. I'm not sure why.

My parents are just 20 minutes away and would help at the snap of a finger. They offer to keep the kids for me often, but I'm not ready for the baby to be away for an extended period of time.

 

[mummytobe_93]

Was just speaking with my friend who lives out of state, and she was complaining because she wasn't able to "get a break" today. I'm like yeah tell me about it, that's just being a mom! Well, turns out 5 days a week her mom and MIL take turns watching her daughter for 3-4 hours at a time while she gets housework and such done. She doesn't work and is SAHM. Um...must be nice to have family around?!

DH works 80+ hours a week, and all our family lives out of town, besides MIL who is too busy to watch DD. My friends work or have kids of their own.....Literally, I have no help, ever and that's fine- yeah it's exhausting and I'm currently looking into hiring a nanny so I can focus on career a bit/have just a moment to breathe- but, I always thought that's how it is for most moms???
(ETA: I should state that DH really is quite helpful and I'm thankful for that! He just isn't home ever to do much!)

How much help do you all get from outside family/friends/etc?

I would say I get no help pretty much. My partner usually works away Monday too Friday. So he's only home on weekends and I still do the majority of the care. My daughter is 17 months old and I've never left Her over night and I've only left her a handful of times for a few hours. So I've pretty much done everything since day one. But that's my choice I have people around I could ask for help but I choose not too

It's hard when you're unwell though that's when I tend to ask for more help if I can ever get it I would rather be independent though than rely on everyone else x