How open are you about your infertility?

[Christi85]

Oh thats good to hear that something is happening. Its so amazing how many different factors can effect fertility. I hope everything goes well for you and your dreams come true.

This is my 2nd IVF. I have PCOS and one tube blocked. I hardly have periods so therefore hardly ever ovulate and when I do I am not aware of it, sometimes months would pass without a bleed. Looking into all of this the doc said I should have IVF.
x

No kidding! Us women have such complex reproductive systems!

Best of luck with your next IVF! Yes, they do seem to recommend IVF as the best option for blocked tubes. Theoretically you could still conceive on your own with one open tube, but that plus the lack of ovulation would make it much harder. So better get a good boost of your chances with ovulation induction and IVF - seems like you're doing the right thing! I have fingers and toes crossed for you!!

 

[Trishg21]

We are very open. Especially since we made the decision to adopt. Rather than letting people make their own assumes we "came out" on Facebook stating exactly why were adopting. I wasn't exactly quiet about it before but I never made huge announcements about it either.

Congratulations on your adoption!
Must feel awesome to finally be a Mom after so much pain.
I took a look at your blog - wow, looks like your adoption was super quick as far as adoptions go, in direct contrast with your IF journey which looks like it was a never ending nightmare
I may have to ask you for recommendations on adoption agencies and your experiences with them if we decide to go down the adoption route later on.
Yes, I think I'll definitely do that too (i.e. come out on FB) if we decide on adoption later. I'm thinking I may even do the same if I get pregnant through fertility treatments (i.e. mention how I got pregnant and that it wasn't easy for us), just to raise awareness on infertility. We shall see - when and if that time comes. As of now, I'm keeping a very low profile on FB with regards to our struggles. I pretty much haven't mentioned or hinted a thing. Not even that we were been trying for a baby, before we got into the IF journey.

Thank you! Yes, our adoption was very very fast. It is not unheard of, just rare. We got really lucky

I'd be happy to share any info I can! Adoption is not an easy route but it can be a huge blessing if that is the way you decide to go.

 

[YearningHeart]

Christi - Awww thanks. Yep us women do. How long have you been TTC don't mind me asking?

 

[JJKCB]

we are private and why would we be anything else about something so personal, nothing bugs me more then when people air all their laundry in public for attention (you know the one on facebook that has a doctors appointment in 2 week so the world must stop turning just for them) and sex/having children is a very private thing if someone randomly told me they where infertile in real life it would be weird unless I was very close to them (i.e a very best friend)

truth is people in general dont care anyway (some family might but most people wont) I was in hospital with sepsis not long ago and was gone for weeks and no one even noticed excepted my mam, OH and son, I certainly would do what others I know do and write a load of essentially attention seeking stuff and post it online and suffer the fake we care so much crap when the reality is they dont give

I also never have intrusive question about having more children, why does everyone except me apparently get asked this because I literally have NEVER had someone be like that

 

[Christi85]

Trishg21 - Thank you so much, I may definitely need to pick your brains in the future

YearningHeart - We've been TTCing since Jan 2013, so not a terribly long time. We decided to go get checked after one year without a BFP and I got diagnosed with all the stuff that you can see in my signature. My low AMH may force me to try more aggressive treatment sooner, but for now I still need to wait for my lap. One step at a time...

JJKCB - I totally see your point and I agree that this is a private matter. My personal concern with not telling anyone is that a lot of people will still ask. Some are discreet enough and know not to ask, but I've found that others do ask or mention it, most often meaning well. But it may still hurt and personally, it makes me awkward. I hate lying, so I feel I'd have to say something, even vague, to hint abut our infertility. Otherwise you run the risk of getting comments like 'oh don't wait too long, you may be too old in a few years' or 'you may not want children now, but you may want them later and you may not be able to have them' or 'you may regret this' etc. Simply because people will assume you're just waiting and putting it off if they don't know/suspect there is a problem. And I find comments like that even more hurtful for my situation. I'm not saying all this to change your mind about your approach - by no means! I'm just voicing my personal concerns about keeping completely silent. Ugh...infertility sucks!

 

[Christi85]

I also never have intrusive question about having more children, why does everyone except me apparently get asked this because I literally have NEVER had someone be like that

You are very lucky! I think it's fair to say that most of us do get asked from time to time. Some people may get it all the time, and then it gets emotionally exhausting.

 

[Ariannda]

I think it's a shame so many women DO feel like they're in the dark, like infertility is some sort of shame OR something that shouldn't be discussed. I dont think you need to tell Facebook you're going away for a weekend to conceive, but I wish more women openly discussed infertility.

I have 4 kids, and secondary infertility. I took shit, rude comments and snide remarks when my husband and i started TTC. Someone said to me "well maybe you had all the kids you were allowed and you should have chosen more wisely" to name one comment.

My husband and I told family and close friends. After more than 2 years of TTC, testing etc I REALLY wanted support more than anything, especially in the case of M/C ,i didn't want to just be alone .Once I started talking about it a bunch of friends came out of the woodwork with their problems, experiences and stories. Also my mother had unexplained infertility for years until she turned up pregnant with my sister 13 years after starting TTC, so I talked to her a lot

 

[Myshelsong]

I just want to comment on what JJKCB Said ...

Although I am open with family and friends I do want to mention that I do not post anything on facebook or any other social media. I do not think that open forum is the correct place to air laundry or seek the pity attention regarding my fertility status. I do not mention babies or trying to conceive anywhere on the internet except this site as it is not everyone in the worlds business.

However if a friend/coworker is going to come up to me and start asking me very personal questions about when we are going to procreate - which it is none of their business - I tell them in the most bluntest uncomfortable way possible. That will teach them to snoop into my business again.

 

[Christi85]

I just want to comment on what JJKCB Said ...

Although I am open with family and friends I do want to mention that I do not post anything on facebook or any other social media. I do not think that open forum is the correct place to air laundry or seek the pity attention regarding my fertility status. I do not mention babies or trying to conceive anywhere on the internet except this site as it is not everyone in the worlds business.

However if a friend/coworker is going to come up to me and start asking me very personal questions about when we are going to procreate - which it is none of their business - I tell them in the most bluntest uncomfortable way possible. That will teach them to snoop into my business again.

Ditto for paragraph #1. I don't say anything on FB - no reason for it. But like I said before, if I ever get pregnant through fertility treatments, I may at least be tempted to mention it on FB at some point (something factual, along the lines of 'our pregnancy was a result of much effort, heartbreak and medical intervention and nothing short of a small miracle') for the purpose of raising awareness on the issue and lifting taboos. People should stop assuming that you can pretty much 'order a pregnancy to happen' and that the only reason for not having kids yet is that YOU MUST BE putting it off/waiting/prioritizing your career/being selfish/fill in the blank. They need to become more aware and more sensitive. For now and while I'm still in the hot seat, so to speak, I don't have any intentions of mentioning anything on FB.

Re being blunt with people - I'm never this way, but sometimes I wish I could work up the courage to do it

 

[CareBear]

I just want to comment on what JJKCB Said ...

Although I am open with family and friends I do want to mention that I do not post anything on facebook or any other social media. I do not think that open forum is the correct place to air laundry or seek the pity attention regarding my fertility status. I do not mention babies or trying to conceive anywhere on the internet except this site as it is not everyone in the worlds business.

However if a friend/coworker is going to come up to me and start asking me very personal questions about when we are going to procreate - which it is none of their business - I tell them in the most bluntest uncomfortable way possible. That will teach them to snoop into my business again.

Ditto for paragraph #1. I don't say anything on FB - no reason for it. But like I said before, if I ever get pregnant through fertility treatments, I may at least be tempted to mention it on FB at some point (something factual, along the lines of 'our pregnancy was a result of much effort, heartbreak and medical intervention and nothing short of a small miracle') for the purpose of raising awareness on the issue and lifting taboos. People should stop assuming that you can pretty much 'order a pregnancy to happen' and that the only reason for not having kids yet is that YOU MUST BE putting it off/waiting/prioritizing your career/being selfish/fill in the blank. They need to become more aware and more sensitive. For now and while I'm still in the hot seat, so to speak, I don't have any intentions of mentioning anything on FB.

Re being blunt with people - I'm never this way, but sometimes I wish I could work up the courage to do it

I would also like to comment in reference to this. I am open about my fertility struggles in that when I am asked or conversation turns to it I am honest about our struggles and my ttc journey. I don't just blurt it out to complete strangers or announce that I'm o'ing on Facebook so we better get bding. My collegues at work know my issues because they have either asked if I have children or if I am planning to have children and I've answered honestly in that I want children and have been trying for x number of years. My extended family bar one cousin do not know about my infertility because they have never asked which considering I've been married 10 years this year and do not have a child I'm surprised they haven't had questions. I will confess I've posted coded messages on Facebook abut appointments or treatments I've had so that those friends who are interested in knowing what is going on do know without me announcing things to all and sundry. so i think that whilst I am open it is also in a private way and in a way I am comfortable with. I have certaintly had the experience of someone ask if I have children to which I have replied no unfortunately I am unable to get pregnant and that person never ask anything further and so I don't tell that particular person anything else about what is going on in my quest to have a child.

 

[susan_1981]

When we were trying, only few people knew about our struggles to conceive. I couldn't bear to have people feeling sorry for me, or for people to feel bad about announcing their pregnancies to me. I really didn't want the pity. When I fell pregnant with my son after over 3 years of trying, I still didn't tell anyone (other than those who already knew) about our struggles. It was only once I'd had my son that I began to tell people. It's nothing to be ashamed of. But the only bad thing about not telling people is having those who fall pregnant around you moaning and complaining about pregnancy! One girl I used to work with knew we were struggling to conceive yet openly said to me when she was heavily pregnant that she hated being pregnant My sister in law used to moan about it all the time as well. Moaning because she had nothing to wear, because she was tired all the time and all that rubbish. She knew we were trying and my husband told her to stop being so ungrateful and how I'd have loved to have that problem, rather than the problem of conceiving.

But for me personally, I would never have told anyone other than those close to me about our struggles as it was something really personal and I don't like pity x

 

[Kimbra83]

I am semi-open, only close family (both sides) and friends. One big mistake I'll never do again is telling a pregnant lady, who got pregnant easily after a 4-5 months, who I work with from time to time. Had to endure stupid tips like: Oh yeah, my aunt had the same problem for 2 years then stopped eating sugar and got pregnant or relax, it will happen. Yup, I was relaxed the first year and it didn't happen and hardly eat sugar... What the heck!

I know that they mean well, but are really not in a position to emphasize. Just because they are pregnant doesn't make them experts on that field but rather luckier than I am.

 

[Lawgirl]

After the first couple of years I became completely open about it and told everybody and anybody (but didn't post on fb). It really helped me cope. Even now, I am very open about the fact that my LO is an ICSI baby, as I think it is important to spread the message that infertility is not rare. I do wonder whether I'm going to get comments about when will we have no2 (from people who don't know).

 

[Christi85]

Infertility is anything BUT rare, you're right. Here in the States it's estimated to affect 1 in 8 or 1 in 6 couples (depending on which study you read) at some point in their lives. In any event, it is actually fairly common.

 

[DBZ34]

I would say I'm semi-open. We've only told my mom and DH's parents about our infertility struggles. I only told my mom when we started planning on doing the IUI, mostly because she kept bringing it up and I wanted some support. (She's a huge gossip, so I waited and then begged her not to spread it around). We told DH's parents when we decided to NTNP and two years later, still no baby, so the MIL asked us what was going on. That was also around the time we decided to do the IUI, now that I think about it.

As for friends, we've only explicitly told my best friend and DH's best friend + his wife. They're really supportive and it hasn't been too bad. Our other friends ask us when we're having kids and DH has decided that his answer is "When nature decides." We were at a college reunion and so many people were asking DH about it that at some point one of our other friends started answering for him with, "They're working on it, now bugger off." Which I might adopt as my answer.

In general, I don't even like to tell people we're TTC, because it's taking so long. It feels a little bit embarrassing or something. But, sometimes I think, why should I be embarrassed? I'm not the only one suffering with IF...but there you go. At least I can be "out" about it here and know I'm not alone.