How to Deal with Undermineing MIL?

[newlywedtzh]

This might be long so bare with me..

My husband has two brothers, his younger brother has a toddler and baby to arrive soon and live in a smaller apartment but my SIL is a SAHM, the older brother is married but no children yet but has just bought a house. I am the only one who works full time and has a high maintenance little one. we all live in the same area

There's two issues going on:

For the last five years I have been hosting my MIL when she comes to visit because we've had the space (but now my BIL has bought a house and also has the space). She often comes with little notice and when she comes, she completely takes over my household, my cherished weekends, brings her dog (we have a rowdy boxer so this makes him crazy), invites the entire family over for dinner, and also undermines EVERY parenting choice, feeling, thought, anything I make or have. I can't even put her hair in a pony tail without her saying "she doesn't need a ponytail". I am somewhat high strung and a control freak and I feel like I'm a bundle of nerves every visit and am constantly in defense mode. I am also constantly catering to the other brothers families schedule (bc she is staying with me and I have no choice).

So this is what happened this weekend: She showed up on Friday (after I just had a stressful week at work, I took a fall and fractured my elbow (which she said "just a little fracture")- it's my only day off with my LO to get my house in order, run errands, etc.) She asked what we were going to do, I said well I wanted to go to the mall to get some things done and I haven't eaten yet. She said invite my SIL. I texted my SIL and she said she had errands to run and that her daughter needed a nap she wouldn't be ready for three hours (I was somewhat annoyed bc this is what I needed to be doing on my only day off!) . At this point, I was starving- we didn't have much groceries (and I'm losing weight like crazy bc of nursing (105 lbs at 5'4 to my normal 120lbs) and really trying to be better about eating). My MIL told me to just "eat a snack" so we can wait for her. So there I found myself on my only day off catering to my SIL's schedule who is a SAHM. And of course, by the time my SIL's daughter woke up it was time for my LO's nap but that didn't matter.. and I had to take a cranky tired baby to meet her (at the park where my SIL wanted to go- not the mall where I needed to get things done). Then she hosted all of the family at my house for dinner that night. With the crazy dogs, the cranky baby... household completely turned upside down all while undermining every parenting choice I make. For instance: I go to give the baby a bath "Oh she doesn't need a bath every night", "the baby needs a nap" her response: "Oh she'll be fine". She also is rough with her and it makes me crazy. She yells "NO!" and flings her hand from her face if she puts something in her mouth. We practice Gentle parenting and never treat her this way. So clearly, she cries. From which I try to take her and console her, to which my MIL will say "she has to get used to me- she's fine" The next morning we wanted to go to breakfast but had to wait for my BIl because he "sleeps in on weekends"

The point is: I've had enough!!! Now that we have a LO our lives are too chaotic and it's gotten to be too stressful. I want his other brothers to start hosting her and sharing the responsibility. I'm really starting to feel taken advantage of by the whole family. And i feel like my MIL does not regard my feelings, my stress level, my parenting at all.

SO my new dilemma:

When my SIL had her first baby I was seven weeks pregnant after 3 MC's and was sick as a dog and a nervous wreck, my MIL stayed with me and invited the whole family over for the new baby and took over again. When I had MY first baby - she came the day we got home from the hospital (which meant my own mother couldnt stay), invited the whole family over (I seriously accredit the bout of baby blues I had to her visit). My SIL scheduled C-section is this thursday so my MIL is coming back out to stay and of course staying with us for a week and half this week and I seriously am having anxiety thinking about it. She is watching my LO for a week when I work which is making me even more nervous bc she doesn't respect my parenting style at all.

All in all She completely takes over and is overbearing and I feel completely out of control of my household, my child, my time. I'm starting to really resent the fact that I'm the only "wife" doing any of the hosting when she comes to visit. I would love to go to one of their houses for dinner for a few hours and visit instead of playing hostess and dealing with my hyper boxer.

Am I out of line? What should I do?! Is this just normal daughter in law duties? I am a ball of nerves thinking about this upcoming week.

 

[LoraLoo]

No this isn't normal. I wouldn't let my own mother treat me this way let alone my mil. You need to put your foot down. What does hubby say? Can he talk to her if you feel inBle to? She's absolutely taking advantage of your good nature and hospitality. She's undermining you. If you let her continue she will get worse. Really sorry you've had to put up with it x

 

[misspriss]

I have never dealt with out of town relatives, so I don't really have any personal experience. But personally, I would not let anyone push me around like that. If she doesn't respect my parenting, she wouldn't be staying in my house. Simple as that. Hotels exist for a reason!

If you needed to go somewhere on your day off, you should go. If your SIL said it would be 3 hours, I would have said sorry I can't wait 3 hours. Or asked her to meet you there after you already got your stuff and could visit for a bit. Or tell SIL that you have to run errands and then your child needs a nap and maybe she can come visit at your house after. You get your stuff done, your baby gets their nap, her baby gets their nap, etc.

And if your MIL yells at your baby and then says "she'll get used to me", I'd respond "no, she won't. If you don't quit, you won't be around her to get used to" or something that nature. Your child is YOUR CHILD.

We had to deal with this a bit. My MIL is pretty good but they have little respect for DS's bedtime, which at first offense it was an accident. The second and third times it was not. DS does not go to see his grandparents in the evening any longer, unless he will be staying the night and we don't have to do bed time. Simple as that, we asked them and gave them two more chances to show they could respect his bedtime and our sanity, and they made it clear they wouldn't.

Part of being a parent is learning to stick up for your parenting and your rights as a family to peace and sanity in your home, I am JUST learning to do this myself and my son is 2.5!

 

[Sqwidge]

Wow what a cow. You either need to get your husband to talk to her, or you need to just start organising around your schedule and if she doesn't like it, well tough, she'll either get used to it, or just have to stay at her other kids house!

The only thing I think is something that you can easily put your foot down is if you need to do something - DO IT!

 

[Larkspur]

This isn't intended rudely, but you really need to learn the word NO!!!!

Your bossy, inconsiderate MIL is running roughshod over you. No wonder you feel anxious and stressed.

The good news is, you can fix it all with one little word! NO!!!!

Okay, maybe a few variants on NO would be helpful if you're not used to asserting yourself. You could try a few of these on for size, all said in a pleasant tone, but firmly.

"I'm sorry, but that day/week isn't good for us. Perhaps you could ask [BIL] if his spare room is free/if he could host dinner."

"That's the way we do things here." Or the reverse - "That's not the way we do things here."

"That's not going to work for me. What would work for me is ......." And if she protests that doesn't work for her, "Okay, but we'll need to find something that works for EVERYONE."

And then some big guns:

"I feel disrespected when you ignore what I say."
"I'd appreciate it if you would consult me before inviting people over."
"I am LO's mother, and that choice is mine to make."

 

[newlywedtzh]

Thanks for not making me feel crazy!!

I have definitely hit a breaking point and something has to change. I HAVE to start being more assertive for my sanity. I just always want to be polite and appease her but I've decided I've done more than my wifely duties call for and am tired of being a hotel. The thing is- she is sooo passive aggressive. She says these undermining things in a joking manner almost where I can't get mad. Or she'll say " You dont mind having everyone over right?" I feel like she's asking me but I can't really say no.

My husband sees it and understands but he is tired of me complaining about his mother. He is afraid our relationship is going to be strained if I/he says anything. But I think the time has come.