How to explain 2nd trimester loss to people

[lindadonovan]

How do you explain a miscarriage in the 2nd trimester to someone? Many people don't seem to understand that it wasn't a cluster of cells that I lost, it was a fully formed baby. I've had people ask me why its such a "big deal". What are they thinking?

 

[RoxyRoo]

I'm so sorry that people have said that to you

Unfortunately, some people just don't understand the pain of losing a baby. The only thing you can do is to explain to them that actually you lost your baby, not a cluster of cells. Hopefully, in time people will understand.

I'm sorry for your loss

 

[lindadonovan]

Some women have told me they had a miscarriage too, and didn't think it was any big deal. Then I ask them about it, it turns out their miscarriage was a very early pregnancy, first trimester. They don't understand that second trimester is different. My situation was different. I went to the doctor in the 16th week of pregnancy and found out there was no heartbeat. These women did not go through that same scenario. They don't understand how my situation is different.

Also I'm tired of hearing that "this is nature's way of taking care of a baby that wasn't meant to be". My baby was perfectly normal. We had all the testing done, chromosomes, everything. He was normal and healthy. I caught a virus and that caused his death.

There is a huge misconception in the general public that a miscarried baby was abnormal and wouldn't have lived anyway. This may be true in some cases, but not in all cases. I am tired of people assuming my child wouldn't have lived anyway. He would have, if not for the virus.

 

[Imalia]

I know how you feel. After losing our angel last year I had this desperate need for people to realise the difference. I didn't handle it well, I refuse to call it a miscarriage, anyone who mentioned miscarriage to me was treated to a graphic description of how I delivered my baby on the bathroom floor with just OH in the house after a very quick (27 minute) labour. I explained until I was blue in the face that miscarriages because of abnormalities are usually in the first trimester. I heartlessly pointed out to a pregnant friend that it was just like when she went for her 20 weeks scan, but imagine instead of finding out she was having a girl, she found out the baby was dead. I was brutal, and at the time, I didn't care, whatever pain my words caused them could never even have come close to the pain I was feeling.

I look back now and wish that I had handled it better, all I'm trying to say in my rambling and long winded way is I'm pretty sure it's normal for people to assume it's like an early loss, and it's normal for those of us who have been through it to be upset by that.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am SO deeply sorry for your loss. No, people have NO idea of this pain, I know I didn't until it happened to me, but I was sympathetic and NEVER did I ever say something insulting ever I lost my Ava at 18 weeks, I went for the amnio and there was NO heartbeat. All her sonograms were fine they detected a heartbeat on me at 7 weeks which was 192 so we thought we were ok also i was 40 and I already had 3 boys 20,17 and 11. Well I lost her and then 2 days later I gave birth to her in my bathroom we buried her on 3/11/2011. I am still a mess over this, I think about her constantly and cry every night. My SIL got pregnant 8 weeks after she found out I was pregnant, she claimed accident but I didn't believe her. She is 36 and had 3 boys also 15 12 and 8 after I lost my Ava on March 3rd she lost her baby at 17 weeks on April 18th How crazy is that? She has a medical procedure done though she didn't give birth. Well 2 weeks later she had her son's communion and she was fine where I am here almost 5 months later and I am a wreck, I feel like I can't get my life or myself back and she seems fine I guess everyone is different . I have not talked to her in like 2 months, she did call me a lot but I didn't answer cause I was just to upset to talk to anyone, she has stopped calling me now and I feel funny calling her, so we will see what happens. My whole family thinks I should be over it they all say Ava was meant to be an angel NO she was meant to be here with us. People have no idea of what we go trough NO idea.
XOXOXOXO

 

[kiki04]

I also have to put a huge emphasis on the fact it had arms and legs and was a REAL BABY! People tell me... oh a m/c is so common... and Im like well I was 4 months along already... its not the same as a 5 week m/c (not that it lessens the pain ) but it IS different and people dont realise that and it kills me to know people think I should just be over it already. Im so sorry to each and everyone of you who also have to deal with this

 

[jennijunni]

I deal with the same thing. I just tell people that we lost our baby boy. Normally that brings home that this was not a 5 week old fetus. ANd I have had both. An early loss, and then my son, the pain is not even comparable. I held him in my hands. He was perfect. And they think a virus caused it as well. I want to give everyone here a great big hug! We have each other to lean on. I think about Juda each day, but each day does get easier. I cannot be ruled by my grief, though at times, it preoccupys my mind at every second of the day. I find talking with woman who have had similar losses does help. Hugs to you all. I hope that each of you can find the peace you are looking for.

 

[MaevesMummy]

A loss is a loss, we all lost babies that we had hopes and dreams for at any stage, but I never describe my baby as a loss or a Miscarriage. I tell people the truth that I gave birth to her she was perfect but sadly she passed away as it was just too early. I would have descrivbed it similar had she passed away inside me too. Unfortunatly, this is a taboo subject and something people dont really understand... my personal opinion is that 2nd trimester loss should be call something else, but it should not write over the fact that early miscarriage is also very painful... This board has been a lifeline. I am less angry now than I was several months ago, and peoples comments become less hurtful. I truley believe as much as we want to take on other peoples pain, unfortunatly we can never know EXACTLY how someone else feels even if we have all been through the same. It really is the most awful thing that has ever happened to me, and my heart goes out to everyone here. xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[mdjoy]

Yeah thats awful. 1st tri losses are tough of course, I had one at 7 wks. I feel bad to say it because that was my baby too but this one was way more real and devastating. I had a mmc at 19 wks, my baby died at 14 weeks. Its so hard to know you had a perfectly formed baby that died. I find it hard to answert "how far were you" I think of myswlf as being 19 weeks as I carried for that long. But I find myself going into the whole story, well I was supposed to be 19 wks but my baby died at 14 weeks. It just seems like such an extended explanation. Like everytime i talk about it I keep thinking to myself, god I can't believe I carried my dead baby for 5 weeks without knowing it!

 

[jennijunni]

Hugs mama!!! I am so sorry that you have this pain and guilt. You did nothing wrong. Lots of hugs!!

 

[lindadonovan]

A loss is a loss, we all lost babies that we had hopes and dreams for at any stage, but I never describe my baby as a loss or a Miscarriage. I tell people the truth that I gave birth to her she was perfect but sadly she passed away as it was just too early.

That is basically how I feel, too. I don't even like the word miscarriage. It seems to obliterate the existence of my child. He was not a miscarriage, he was a person, a baby.

My baby died around 16 weeks, at 20 weeks he would have been considered a stillbirth.

 

[MaevesMummy]

That is basically how I feel, too. I don't even like the word miscarriage. It seems to obliterate the existence of my child. He was not a miscarriage, he was a person, a baby.

My baby died around 16 weeks, at 20 weeks he would have been considered a stillbirth.

So sorry for your loss. Thats how I would describe what has happened to you too.
Its so unfair that anyone should go through this.
If we have to give our loss a medical term, let it be still birth or Neonatal death.
xxxxx

 

[lindadonovan]

That is basically how I feel, too. I don't even like the word miscarriage. It seems to obliterate the existence of my child. He was not a miscarriage, he was a person, a baby.

My baby died around 16 weeks, at 20 weeks he would have been considered a stillbirth.

So sorry for your loss. Thats how I would describe what has happened to you too.
Its so unfair that anyone should go through this.
If we have to give our loss a medical term, let it be still birth or Neonatal death.
xxxxx

Yes, neonatal death is a better term.

 

[nickyXjayno]

I never knew people could be so ignorant .

 

[schloop]

I, too, have a desperate need for others to understand that it was not a miscarriage (not to diminish that pain, but it's a different process). I usually give a little more detail (i.e. it was due to preterm labour, it was a stillbirth). I may also slip in something about the burial/cemetery, which most people don't realize we have had to deal with. This seems to help them grasp the nature of what has happened a little better.

 

[xlilkax]

I felt the same. If people ask me I don't say I had a miscarriage (although technically it was because it was before 24weeks) I say he was still born. Also letting people know he was a boy makes them more aware that it wasn't 'just a bloody mess that wasn't even formed yet' as someone said to me. I have hand and foot prints, I gave birth to him, he had a funeral and has a grave in the childrens part in the cemetary, I felt him kicking when he was inside me, he has a name.

I hate that people tell me 'i know what you went through I had a miscarriage too' or 'why is it such a big deal'. My OHs family couldn't understand why I couldn't enjoy myself on holiday 6weeks after we lost him. Apparently that should be enough time to 'get over it'. 1 year and 3months later I'm still crying about it and I don't think the pain will ever go away, it just gets smaller over time so it's bareable.

 

[KelseyMom]

I find that people are extremely insensitive to pregnancy losses. I think it is because they think we don't want to talk about it. I have brought up Christopher every chase I get, I talk about my last day with him and the days before that and how he made me feel and how he broke my heart. I talk about the future we should have had together, the things we could have done, how his death effected my daughter and my whole family. Unfortunatley as much as people love babies it makes them uncomfortable to talk about their death, especially if they never got to see them or feel them kick or have that bonding time, we as mothers bond instantly but those surrounding us don't. I make it my mission to keep Christophers memory alive. If someone ask me how I am I say , "do you mean since my son died?" by finding little ways to make people acknowledge his death they have an oppurtunity to see that i want to talk about him i havent forgotten, and i hope they don't either. when people ask how many children i have i say 3, one living one in heaven and one on the way, one day people will see he was as real to me as my seven year old and so he should be real to them too.

 

[ktnbb]

my heart truly goes out to all of you. I admire how strong you all are and im sorry for all your losses

 

[niknak242]

I always say still born. My perfectly formed 15 weeks old baby boy passed away. He was a whole baby, just needed some fat. He had a heart, brain, eyes, legs, arms, etc. I just had a loss at 7-8 weeks, and I really don't even like using the word miscarriage for that. We didn't drop something. We didn't carry them the wrong way. They were people, and they died. "A person is a person, no matter how small..."

 

[kam78]

I am terribly sorry you have to go thru this journey and I'm more sad that you have encountered those people as well....
I think we all have... Most people just don't understad the lose we have lived thru...

What has helped with me, My close friends and family... I have shared photos of my Emma and I speak of her often and eventually I had to just "blow up" and explain she wasn't a mass of cells... That she was a perfect tiny baby... Just born too soon...

Once they heard my story and seen the few photos I chose to share, they changed their outlook drastically... Now, the ones I wasn't close too or wasn't in my daily life.. Pfft, I just smiled and walked by... I never even wasted my time, emotions, or energy to try to explain to them...

But communication is key... Share your baby... Make them see they wasn't just a "blip" in time, or a "past thought".. They was your child.... Only difference, they live with our littles ones now...

Big hugs!!!! You go thru this journey YOUR way... No wrong or right way... Always know that