How to keep everything a secret?

[lucy_lu10]

Ok so here's my situation:

Several months ago, DH and I let it slip that we would probably be TTC #2 after the New Year. So now that we're in the middle of that, some family members continually ask if I'm pregnant yet. Before my son, I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks so I know how fragile/delicate pregnancy is and I'm worried about people knowing before the 3 month mark. I obviously shouldn't have mentioned that we were going to be trying so it's my own fault but now what? Do I lie to family when I am pregnant?

 

[leahwhite]

we are just coming through our first miscarriage, if i could turn the clocks back i would try and keep it quite from everyone for as long as possible, i was showing very early and everyone started asking, we thought oh well it should be ok and tried to keep it just our close family and friends but it got out. Then my parents came to the 12 week ultra sound - all sitting there and the sad news was told and no baby on the screen, it was hard enough dealing with it ourselves but the harder part was everyone knowing.

You have to do what you feel is rihgt but for us (if this helps) we have made a promise to each other to not tell anyone until after the scan and we know all is well, even then i feel i would like to keep it low key - its a precious and scary time and not having the added pressure i feel would help.

Not sure what you take from this as it has to be the right decision for you, but wanted to see you had some thoughts to your question

xxxx

 

[cazi77]

This is a hard one. Me and DH usually go on hols a few times each year and have them booked months/a year in advance. As we have no hols booked (we booked one for feb last month after m/c) people are starting to guess its because we are TTC. I am finding that I'm not telling blatant lies but not telling the whole truth either but I really don't want people to know so I feel this is the only way. Do what is best for you and good luck. xx

 

[spellfairy]

I found out 3 days before my period and i told everyone i was soooo happy. had concerns about telling ones at just 3-4 weeks rather than 12 weeks. well the flip side is you have people to comfort you if it happens, at my 12 week scan my baby was kicking and punching and fine, i lost my baby at nearly 20 weeks unreal i could never of hide this and not told the kids. My child has asked me to get pregnant but not to tell her cos the wait was too long LOL. So i dunno i get so excited, maybe with greiving this baby i could possibly keep it quiet if i did get pregnant, iam a curvy girl and i reckon i could hide it for 6 months, but keeping my mouth shut lol.

 

[hollyrose]

i had my 2nd miscarriage 3 weeks ago at 8 weeks. we are ntnp at the minute as we are waiting for 1st proper af to come but if get pregnant b4 that we will be so happy. but everyone is saying don't try too quickly, wait 3 months or more! i won't be tellin anyone that we are trying so soon after as feel that people will disagree with our decision and can't be bothered listening to them! lol! i know that's it's our decision at the end of the day but just don't need the hassle right now iykwim?

 

[croydongirl]

I would say it is ok to tell a little le if they ask you outright. But you could always tell them you have decided to wait for a bit to try again, and then it might not come up for a while. We have had 4 m/c while ttc #1 and have started telling family when we are trying because I didn't like having to tell people -"you didn;t know we are pregnant but now we have had a m/c" this way they are a part of the process which has been most helpful to us but I think you have to find out where you are comfortable and go with that.
Good luck with everything

 

[lucy_lu10]

Thanks everyone, it's nice to hear all your different stories.
It's true that miscarriages can happen at any point and the 3 month mark doesn't mean we're out of the clear yet. I'm all for a little support if another miscarriage were to happen but I just think it would be awkward telling people like my Dad and FIL what's happening. Because I'm still nursing my son maybe I can use that as an excuse by saying that it takes longer to conceive? (even if I am secretly pregnant....muahaha!!)

 

[Xpecta]

Basically, I just told people that kept asking me if I was pregnant, that I didn't like that question. Its a personal question. My dad asked me everytime I declined a drink. (We were trying for a year and a half, so it came up a couple times) But basically my dad told me he didn't want to know the next time I was pregnant. Cause I wanted to tell some people and not others, so he didn't like that and said that he didn't want to know next time.

 

[pinkflamingo]

I am sorry for your previous loss hun.

We had decided to announce our pregancy at the 12 weeks, so when we lost baby at 6 weeks nobody knew. I told my mum about it all as she has had 2 miscarriages and so knew she could support me and understand what we were feeling.

We haven't told anyone (other than mum) that we are ttc, but now that we have been married for 1.5 years, family are asking about when we will br having children. we just brush it off with something like 'we hope to at some point'.

In your case, as they know (or think they know) that you are ttc, whenever they ask I would tell them something like 'when there is anything that we want to share, then you will most certainly know. And in the mean time you don't need to keep asking!!' That way you are not lying to them even if you are pregnant, but you making it clear that you and DH are entitled to some privacy and will tell people when you choose to tell them.

Good luck hun xx

 

[diverdi]

I wasn't planning on telling anyone until the 12 week scan, but my family guesse over xmas so all knew when the 12 week scan showed a MMC.
I thought it would be awful to have them all know but it was very helpful to have their support and practical help.

 

[lucy_lu10]

In your case, as they know (or think they know) that you are ttc, whenever they ask I would tell them something like 'when there is anything that we want to share, then you will most certainly know. And in the mean time you don't need to keep asking!!' That way you are not lying to them even if you are pregnant, but you making it clear that you and DH are entitled to some privacy and will tell people when you choose to tell them.

Good luck hun xx

Thanks! That's a good way to put it to them. I too had told only my mum after my miscarriage because I knew that she'd had one at 6 weeks also. It definitely helps to have a couple close people know who have been through something similar.

But yeah, I'm at the point with my FIL that I need to basically tell him to stop asking because it's come down to him asking every single time DH and I see him (like once a week!!). I told DH that his Dad needs to back off; I know it's just because he's excited though. He would love love love to have more kids of his own but his wife said forget it!! haha Even with our son, we told my inlaws a bit early at 10 weeks and told them not to pass the word along and what does my MIL do? Puts it in her company newsletter!! Some people....

 

[pinkflamingo]

You are welcome hun and good luck with it all.

You made me laugh with your mum announcing your pregnancy in her company newsletter!!

Hope you get that BFP soon and then fill the entire newsletter with the news!

Take care xx

 

[essie0828]

I have been pondering this question for a while now as well. After my first loss (@ 16weeks) my mother and pretty much my whole family were devastated.. my mom grieved forever. It was harder for me because it hurt my family to. So i kinda vowed not to tell them unless i just cant hide it or i call them from the hospital to come meet their new family member. My DH is with me on this, and it actually made my second loss (@6weeks) a lil easier. if there is such a thing.. but at least it was private and it made me feel better that i didnt have to drag my family through it. I just think it would be so neat to hand my mom her new grandchild and explain that i just saved her months of worry lol.

 

[Xpecta]

Thanks! That's a good way to put it to them. I too had told only my mum after my miscarriage because I knew that she'd had one at 6 weeks also. It definitely helps to have a couple close people know who have been through something similar.

But yeah, I'm at the point with my FIL that I need to basically tell him to stop asking because it's come down to him asking every single time DH and I see him (like once a week!!). I told DH that his Dad needs to back off; I know it's just because he's excited though. He would love love love to have more kids of his own but his wife said forget it!! haha Even with our son, we told my inlaws a bit early at 10 weeks and told them not to pass the word along and what does my MIL do? Puts it in her company newsletter!! Some people....

Oh! hahahaha That must have been something eh?! Wow! I can't believe she did that! haha

 

[lucy_lu10]

Oh! hahahaha That must have been something eh?! Wow! I can't believe she did that! haha

I know!! The worst part was a few days later, I started receiving phone calls from friends and other family members saying congratulations and why didn't we tell them in person?! I had no idea that her company newsletter included extended family (I should have known since she runs a fishing lodge and it's a pretty big family affair) so I had to explain that I was going to tell them within the next week or so but the newsletter beat me to it. Sigh.....guess I've learned my lesson for next time!!

 

[Xpecta]

hahahaha! Oh wow! Thats just a funny situation! Thank you for sharing!

 

[lucy_lu10]

hahahaha! Oh wow! Thats just a funny situation! Thank you for sharing!

haha no problem!! DH and I got over it and once everyone knew, things were good. The funny part to me (looking back.....at the time I was mortified) now is the way she worded it: "After lots of fun and practice, Nick and Lucy are now expecting their first child!" OMG!!

 

[Xpecta]

HHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That is just fantastic!! I actually said something like that to someone once. They said "With a child that cute, you should be having more!" He was talking about my son, and we had already been trying for quite a few months. Then I told him, "Well at the moment, we're just getting lots of practice!"