How to mesh life before baby with life as a mum

[DaisyDreamer]

My LO is 3 months old (whaa!? already??)

While I love being a mum, there's a lingering gloomy part of me that is grieving over my loss of freedom.

Before baby I wasn't doing too much, I was in school and planning on enrolling in a massage program Fall 2015 but fell pregnant so I quit. (trying to go for it again this fall, FX amirite?) Between fatigue and morning sickness I wasn't doing myself any favors by failing classes.

I fell in and out of bouts of depression, what ifs, and stress of being evicted due to the landlord wanting to sell to a real estate company-one that did not allow our trailer on the property anymore. So we're in a house now but it's also just for the time being

I'm feeling good after baby but it seems like all I do when I get up is clean the house or make something to eat, laundry, shower, just basic human care stuff. I can't even have five minutes to myself to do yoga! Part of me is too frustrated to try because I'd rather not do it than get into it only to have my baby yell at me 10 minutes into it.
OH is feeling it too, he is in schooling for massage therapy and when he tries to massage me he feels frustrated because either massage gets interrupted or I'm too antsy for him to do a full sequence because the baby is due to wake any minute

By the time OH is home from school I'm too exhausted to do anything but cuddle with the baby in bed and watch TV or sleep (or make dinner if OH is not up for it)

I really miss my alone time! I have milk stashed away in the fridge/freezer for when I go out but who knows when the heck that will happen between spending time as a family and OH's school/work schedule.

Baby is on his own schedule but between wonder weeks, growth spurts, and teething it seems like every day it's something new.


Any tips to get some of the old life back into the new me?

[/whine]

 

[lau86]

I think your baby is still so little, and around 3-4 months was when I started feeling it too. Now my social life etc pretty much revolves around doing baby things. I don't have much advice but it does get better as your baby gets bigger and more independent

 

[happynewmom1]

We just had our third baby and I have to say getting "me" time gets harder with each baby. But some things I've learned - if your child is interested, don't feel bad by a few minutes of TV in the day. It's saved me when in the middle of a workout and baby wakes so I can finish. Or when I just need to get a second to make tea or regroup myself.

Also.. We just got a bouncy seat for our 3 month old that she loves. Maybe an option? She will play in it long enough for me to get things done if I don't feel like wearing her and helps if I want to turn the TV on for a little bit. She keeps going through periods of short naps and longer naps and sleeping at night to waking every couple hours so I definitely understand! When does your baby typically sleep the longest? Sometimes I have to tell dh when she has been sleeping the longest and shoot for that time to spend any time together. Of course in all of this I have activities for the older kids and I keep them pretty busy so they go to sleep quickly at night. Also remember it will get easier. Our second child used to take these really short naps as a baby and then as she got older she changed it to two longer naps and eventually to one long nap. Which I actually liked better than the frequent short ones. Both of my other kids also got to the point where they wouldn't wake yelling at me and would chatter to themselves or play with a toy in the crib until I got there.. That helped a lot.

I wish I had more advice! Do you have any other family around who could take the baby for a few hours so you and dh could go out or even just so you could have some time to yourself?

 

[Spudtastic]

Big hugs daisy dreamer. Having a baby is a huge life changer. These little bundles of joy are very time consuming.

There was a bit on the TV a month or so ago saying g that woman who didn't have any time to themselves had a higher rate of pnd. Pnd dramatically reduced in occurrence when a new mum had someone look after her baby for only an hour a week so she could do whatever she wanted. Could yuo ask your SO if he could take the baby out for an hour or you go out for an hour each week?

I too feel like I'm just a cook/cleeaner/someone else's server but it does get better.
I'm sure you'll be able to do your massage course.

 

[DaisyDreamer]

We just had our third baby and I have to say getting "me" time gets harder with each baby. But some things I've learned - if your child is interested, don't feel bad by a few minutes of TV in the day. It's saved me when in the middle of a workout and baby wakes so I can finish. Or when I just need to get a second to make tea or regroup myself.

Also.. We just got a bouncy seat for our 3 month old that she loves..... definitely understand! When does your baby typically sleep the longest? Sometimes I have to tell dh when she has been sleeping the longest and shoot for that time to spend any time together.

Of course in all of this I have activities for the older kids and I keep them pretty busy so they go to sleep quickly at night. Also remember it will get easier.....Do you have any other family around who could take the baby for a few hours so you and dh could go out or even just so you could have some time to yourself?

I've been waiting for him to be able to hold his head up 100%, he is about 80% there but will bob it around sometimes. Would like a one that goes in the door that I can just put him in.

He sleeps the longest in the afternoon/early evening. That's right before OH comes home (sometimes he's gotten a few hours in before he comes home) Usually I'm very frazzled at that point and can't be motivated to do any yoga and if I do I more than likely get interrupted. I know I should probably take more initiative. I'm just exhausted all the time.

I don't really trust others to do things the way we do things. Have tried to talk to our families in the past about it and they time and time again show they just nod and do whatever the heck they want regardless.

OH and I spend quite a deal together for a couple with a new baby. I just want my alone time, my Taylor time. Tired of feeling like I'm just fitting into the role of a mom or a role of a lover with no real definition to my wholesomeness if that makes any sense

Big hugs daisy dreamer. Having a baby is a huge life changer. These little bundles of joy are very time consuming.

There was a bit on the TV a month or so ago saying g that woman who didn't have any time to themselves had a higher rate of pnd. Pnd dramatically reduced in occurrence when a new mum had someone look after her baby for only an hour a week so she could do whatever she wanted. Could yuo ask your SO if he could take the baby out for an hour or you go out for an hour each week?

I too feel like I'm just a cook/cleeaner/someone else's server but it does get better.
I'm sure you'll be able to do your massage course.

Thanks for that Spud. I don't know if it's PND or just regular depression, I'm not one for labels because regardless of what it is called I feel what I feel. OH works and goes to school, I'm child care until Fall. But yes we've started a milks stash in the fridge/freezer so I can do that.
I guess I can say it's too much freedom? I don't have friends and there's only LLL groups once a month so I have no idea what to do when I get the chance to be free.

 

[Spudtastic]

HI Daisy. Sorry I wasn't suggesting pnd or depression necessarily. I meant to highlight the importance of some alone time.
I totally relate to how you feel because I've felt similar. You nailed it on the head when you said you can't do your yoga because baby will wake. And also when you say you know other people won't do things the way you want them done. I also haven't made time for my hobbies in over three years but I know that exhausted feeling and I aways have something more important to do like working on our business (my husbands passion not mine) or cleaning. It's easier to put off.
I mean to do things for myself a lot sooner this time.
Also these are all natural feelings too after having a baby. It took me a long time to accept I could no longer have a sleep in or a sit down and a cup of tea on my own or do my hobbies. I hope this doesn't sound stupid but I'm now at peace dedicating my life to others. It's made me less stressed and grumpy and more enthusiastic to be doing something for myself in a couple of years time. I'm thinking of study also aND I'm excited by it. I know this time period is a short one because my extremely high love/time consuming dd1 is now 3. It doesn't feel that way at the time though. I've taught myself to be happy with the situation. (It took a while I have to admit).

I hope this post has come across in the way it's meant to be... as in friendly and positive.

 

[happynewmom1]

We just had our third baby and I have to say getting "me" time gets harder with each baby. But some things I've learned - if your child is interested, don't feel bad by a few minutes of TV in the day. It's saved me when in the middle of a workout and baby wakes so I can finish. Or when I just need to get a second to make tea or regroup myself.

Also.. We just got a bouncy seat for our 3 month old that she loves..... definitely understand! When does your baby typically sleep the longest? Sometimes I have to tell dh when she has been sleeping the longest and shoot for that time to spend any time together.

Of course in all of this I have activities for the older kids and I keep them pretty busy so they go to sleep quickly at night. Also remember it will get easier.....Do you have any other family around who could take the baby for a few hours so you and dh could go out or even just so you could have some time to yourself?

I've been waiting for him to be able to hold his head up 100%, he is about 80% there but will bob it around sometimes. Would like a one that goes in the door that I can just put him in.

He sleeps the longest in the afternoon/early evening. That's right before OH comes home (sometimes he's gotten a few hours in before he comes home) Usually I'm very frazzled at that point and can't be motivated to do any yoga and if I do I more than likely get interrupted. I know I should probably take more initiative. I'm just exhausted all the time.

I don't really trust others to do things the way we do things. Have tried to talk to our families in the past about it and they time and time again show they just nod and do whatever the heck they want regardless.

OH and I spend quite a deal together for a couple with a new baby. I just want my alone time, my Taylor time. Tired of feeling like I'm just fitting into the role of a mom or a role of a lover with no real definition to my wholesomeness if that makes any sense

Actually thst makes perfect sense. At times I feel very just "used"... I sit down and immediately someone needs me. If I finally have all the kids down, my dh wants time.. Which I love spending with him. But at some point we have have a chance for us time so we feel like a person and not just a servant of the house.

And I don't blame you for not feeling like doing yoga later.. I'm least motivated by that time and just looking forward to down time by that point. Don't feel bad about it I have noticed my mood is better if we get out for a walk some days. I feel less flustered or frustrated after getting out. But if we don't do it in the morning, we don't go out at all usually.

We were like that with our mil. It was very irksome.. They did things their way most of the time. Thankfully we live closer to my parents now who stress if they are doing things our way too much but it's nice to lol

Hopefully you are able to find a bouncer once his head stabilizes some. It shouldn't be long now! and it will help you so much. I do like the kind not in a doorway a bit more just because I can move it room to room but maybe it's possible to move that to different doorways? Just a thought

Big hugs to you.. I know it's rough now. It should improve soon.

 

[jessmke]

From the time my LO was 6 weeks old I would leave her with her daddy for at least an hour pretty much every day while I went to the pool, for a bike ride, out shopping, etc. I am lucky because my OH does shift work, so he is often home for 5 days in a row, or home during the day if he is working a night shift. Sometimes I have to go out to the pool after 8 pm when LO has gone to bed and my OH gets home from work. I usually really don't feel like going out at this time of night, but once I am out and doing something for myself I am so happy I dragged myself off the couch. Honestly, I am a better mom if I don't have to be a mom 24/7. When I get back from my "me" time and my LO smiles when I walk in the door and reaches out to me it feels so awesome and I am so genuinely happy to see her. If I have days when I am not able to get out of the house on my own I sometimes dread when she wakes up from her naps (I realize that makes me sound like a horrible mom, but to be honest looking after an infant all day long can be really dull). I try to get outside with my LO every day, and I am setting up a weekly stroller running group with other mom's in my area to try to make some local friends.

I also try to nap at least once a day while LO naps. I have never been a napper but I am getting better at it each day! Sometimes its hard to nap when I know the dishes need doing, or knowing that I will be giving up "me" time to nap, but I feel much happier at home with LO if I'm not exhausted.

I am also finding it way easier to do things around the house now that my LO can sit unaided. She is much happier occupying herself now that she can sit and reach out and grab whatever toy she wants. I can sit her on the living room floor with a bunch of toys and do some yoga or stretching or reading while she occupies herself. When she had to be laying down or sitting in her bumbo/bouncy seat she was much less content.

Hang in there, it does get better! Are there any mommy and me yoga classes that you can do? Or could you go out to a park to do some yoga? My LO sometimes gets bored sitting in the house playing with her toys, but if we go outside or to a park somewhere she will happily sit or lay for a long time watching all the things happen around her. I have also tried to figure out ways to integrate my LO into the activities I like to do, like getting a jogging stroller, a bike trailer, and a hiking backpack so even when I can't get out by myself I can at least still do the things I like doing.

Another thing I do is that before putting LO down for a nap I will get my yoga video queued up, yoga clothes on, mat unrolled, etc. so when I do put LO down I can go and start yoga right away. At this young age the length of nap can be really unpredictable, and sometimes if I would put LO down and then start getting ready to do something she will then wake up just minutes after I start my activity. At least if I can start as soon as I put her in her crib I am usually guaranteed at least 30 min before she wakes up.

 

[jessmke]

I just thought of one more thing that has really helped me get more "me" time. I schedule it with my OH. We have a calendar in the kitchen with OH's work schedule and we also put our own activities on there. So I know exactly when OH is working, or playing hockey, or going out with the boys for drinks. Then I can see that he isn't working on a certain day so I will put on the calendar that I am going to the pool at lunch time or out for a hair cut on a certain day or whatever. If I have an activity on the calendar then OH knows he needs to be home at that time to look after LO. And because I know he has made an effort to be home to look after her I then makes sure to go out and do my activity even if I feel tired or like I don't really want to go, so it's sort of a motivational tool as well.

I used to feel like having a baby meant the loss of my freedom, but now I just feel like I've lost spontaneous freedom. I am still free to do the things I want to do, I just have to make sure it's on the schedule!

 

[DaisyDreamer]

happynewmom that's a good thought re: bouncer. It can be moved from door to door though might be a pain in the arse. Very true for us too if we don't get out in the AM chances are low we will go out at all for walks and such. I can feel the difference though after walking or even having a shower to myself, I feel better!

Spud you've come off friendly in all your posts! No worries. I hear you about accepting things as they are and it becomes more enjoyable. MOST of the time I am happy to nurse, clean, cook, change diapers, entertain baby etc. It just gets overwhelming at times and I feel the limitations when we go out as a family. I know it will get easier as time goes on, a 3 month old is easier than a newborn and I can imagine a 6 month old is easier than a 3 month old...

Jess, I have tried things like getting my area ready before I put baby down... Naps are a big struggle right now with him refusing to go down (nursing and fidgeting for 3 hrs at times [wonder weeks are hell]) or hardly sleeping til late afternoon. This past week he demands I be by his side as he sleeps
I guess I feel like timing is everything and the timing is never right for the things I want to do when I want to do them. Yeah, total loss of spontaneous freedom

I feel lucky that my OH wants to support me as much as he does. He is happy to take him for walks when I want to sleep or try to put him down for me. I think I'm hitting yet another exhaustion wall

 

[jessmke]

It's hard at this age because I find they don't really have a predictable schedule. Once you start to see a pattern in their sleep/wake schedule they suddenly go through a growth spurt or a wonder week or a sleep regression or something to throw a wrench in things!

 

[DaisyDreamer]

It's hard at this age because I find they don't really have a predictable schedule. Once you start to see a pattern in their sleep/wake schedule they suddenly go through a growth spurt or a wonder week or a sleep regression or something to throw a wrench in things!

You're telling me, I think I've hit the jackpot! Wonder week 12 coinciding with 3 mo growth spurt, possible teething. I get a week or so of relief then 4 mo sleep regression!

I keep telling myself "This will get easier" but some days, and they are becoming more and more frequent, I just feel like I'm on the tip of losing my mind and having a meltdown.

 

[jessmke]

It's hard at this age because I find they don't really have a predictable schedule. Once you start to see a pattern in their sleep/wake schedule they suddenly go through a growth spurt or a wonder week or a sleep regression or something to throw a wrench in things!

You're telling me, I think I've hit the jackpot! Wonder week 12 coinciding with 3 mo growth spurt, possible teething. I get a week or so of relief then 4 mo sleep regression!

I keep telling myself "This will get easier" but some days, and they are becoming more and more frequent, I just feel like I'm on the tip of losing my mind and having a meltdown.

We've had a tough time the last few months. We had 12 week growth spurt followed by 4 month sleep regression that started at about 3 1/2 months and lasted until 5 months, on top of the sleep regression she was reverse cycling for a long time (refusing to nurse during the day and wanting to nurse all night) because she was so extremely distractible during the day, and now we have hit the 6 month growth spurt a few weeks early. And we haven't even started teething yet so pretty soon that will get thrown in the mix! I get about a day or two of relief where I think things will settle down and then something happens again. Oh well, one day we will sleep again! I would die if I didn't take a nap every day!

 

[DaisyDreamer]

I feel you. I think the attitude we have about it all drastically makes a difference... Will have to try napping in the day. Sometimes my anxiety creeps in and I just can't relax, despite lying there eyes closed with a sleepy nursey baby.

Who the heck said babies were a good idea?

 

[jessmke]

I feel you. I think the attitude we have about it all drastically makes a difference... Will have to try napping in the day. Sometimes my anxiety creeps in and I just can't relax, despite lying there eyes closed with a sleepy nursey baby.

Who the heck said babies were a good idea?

There have been days where I have been up hourly all night, so the next day I will go down for a nap every single time my LO goes down, sometimes up to 5 times a day! I don't always sleep every time, but it is nice to just shut my eyes for a while. Otherwise I would be absolutely miserable.

If I have a hard time relaxing I will put Netflix on my iPad, but I will put on something I have seen a million times, like an episode of Friends or something. So I don't really need to watch it or pay attention to it, but it keeps my mind from being too busy.

 

[DaisyDreamer]

There have been days where I have been up hourly all night, so the next day I will go down for a nap every single time my LO goes down, sometimes up to 5 times a day! I don't always sleep every time, but it is nice to just shut my eyes for a while. Otherwise I would be absolutely miserable.

If I have a hard time relaxing I will put Netflix on my iPad, but I will put on something I have seen a million times, like an episode of Friends or something. So I don't really need to watch it or pay attention to it, but it keeps my mind from being too busy.

Glad I'm not the only couch potato constantly binge watching Netflix while nursing

 

[happynewmom1]

I was just going to suggest Netflix or a light hearted movie!

Babies are hard as they are so demanding with very little reward at this point. It's no lie motherhood is one of the most thankless jobs there is. But each stage brings it's own good things.thid stage they tiny and cute (good things ).. As they get older and finally start seeing big milestones.. Crawling, walking, talking and then one day they tell you that they love you and give you a big kiss. And the rest was worth it in the meantime, don't feel badly about feeling frustrated or down sometimes.

Definitely try to get naps when you can! It will help.. Things seem so much worse when exhausted and babies are exhausting!! My days of napping are over sadly lol I love my coffee and Tea

 

[Marumi]

Aww sorry I can understand how you feel. Mom life will always be a bit different but you can certainly do a lot.
Sadly I lost all of my single friends I had in the past. Even this time around I lost friends that were okay with me being the mom of a toddler but haven't talked to me since pregnancy and said "you will be busy with the baby." (And they are in their mid 30's!)

Anyhow, what helped me when my first was little was leaving the house all the time. Every weekend we would go somewhere. Little trips and walks, spending time in the city, a museum, castle, sightseeing...things that worked with our budget.
Then I joined a play group. Every friday the same group of moms and babys would meet at a play café. Meaning it has a big play room and then a table in the same room where moms can enjoy coffee and cake. Almost 4 years later we still meet and all have a second child too now
Then I joined la leche league and went to breastfeeding social meet ups and met English speaking moms at a fancy café with play corner in the city. On those days I would often spend some time in the city too and do a bit of shopping. My baby was always happiest when out and about anyway.
I think one really has to just take baby along everywhere and not shy away from activities because of a baby. I took my son along to Starbucks, lounges, fancy cafés and because I started doing this when he was young he was always very good and just hung out with me for a while. As long as he had his Chai Tea he was happy ^^.

At home knitting and sewing during naps kept me happy. My first always slept well. I had him next to me, when he woke I latched him on, went back to sleep, he would pop off the boob when done. I was never tired or needed naps, even when he was very little. This also works with my second, though I have to stay awake and burp him because of bad reflux So this time around my little trick does not work. I sleep 2-3 hrs a night.

And the good news is it gets much much easier soon. 6 months is a huge difference already and with a one year old things get easier again. Eventually I was able to leave the house without baby and participate in other activities than mom related things.

 

[noon_child]

I know my relationship with DH really suffered because after I'd spent the whole day giving myself to my LO he'd want something from me too. I felt like I was being eaten away by the needs of others and turning in to a skeleton of myself. As she got older people offered to babysit so we could have date night and I kept thinking "what are we gonna do with that? I have nothing to talk to him about or give to him because I feel like I hardly exist anymore!". What I wanted was someone to give me date night with myself! It got easier, but it's one reason I'm sticking with one child at the moment.

 

[DaisyDreamer]

Thanks again ladies, it's really nice to know I'm not alone. Marumi that's great advice I will keep that in mind as LO gets older and can "play" more properly. Right now he just kind of lies there.

Today I was able to go out and about with him and even register myself for two classes this summer online. So that's a start