How to motivate 9 year old?

[Vixen_17]

I have a 9 year old boy and am finding it really hard to motivate him to want to do anything that's not directly related to Xbox! He seems to have no common sense, no motivation and a lack of being able to think for himself.

Although I absolutely love him to death I'm finding him really hard work at the moment. Every morning he was taking too long to get ready for school (he has 45 minutes to shower, get dressed, drink a smoothie and have his vitamin tablet). We found he was getting distracted half way through getting dressed as he'd start playing with toys and end up being late, day after day.... So, I wrote him up a schedule of what he should be doing at what time and it seems to have improved things but he forgets to look at it (it's been up since the start of January). This drives my OH crazy "he's got it all written down and STILL cant get it right."

The schedule gives him 20 minutes of free time in the morning so we said he should empty the dishwasher every day and once that's done his time is his own to do as he wishes. I've told him on numerous occassions that if he can't remember things he should write a list - I live off lists and wouldn't function properly without them! I've also told him that if he has a list he has to refer back to it and check that he's done everything on the list otherwise there's no point having it in the first place. I've explained that I'm more than happy to help him figure out what to do and how to write his list but in return he has to put in the effort and actually look at it.

He's only allowed to play his xbox every other day but knowing how much he loves it I offered to buy him some educational games and he could play these on the days he normally is not allowed to play, that way he gets to play and learn at the same time. He wasn't interested. He would rather miss out than do anything which involves applying himself or hard work.

His teacher called me just before Xmas to say that when she's giving instructions to the class he doesn't listen then asks what to do when everyone else is working.

This morning he emptied the dishwasher but only loaded half the dirty stuff back in. I had to remind him to finish the job. Then after I dropped him off at school I noticed he'd left one of his bags in the back of the car.

I feel like he's not interested in thinking for himself and that I'm constantly having to prompt him to get anything done. Does anyone have any ideas please?

Many thanks

 

[N1kki]

you need sit him down tell him its important he gets ready for school in the morning,that his homework and chores are done also.I think chores in the morning might be a bit much kids just need get up get ready for school and be focused on that.Tell him he has an hour to get ready,eat breakfast and be ready for school,and say what he does in the time he has left before school is his choice but NO XBOX!

say once school is done if hes got any homework to get it out the way do his chores and then again what hes does with his time is his own.If XBOX is on alternate days thats great,maybe encourage him to watch t.v,get out on his bike or any other activities he can do outside the house so hes kept motivated and entertained.you could look into doing a extra curricular like karate,football etc so he has something else to focus on and this will also keep his motivation.

Giving him one prompt if he hasnt done something after that if he hasn't then its his own fault,then you can take action,when it comes to school things just double check he has all his stuff its not that if he sees you don't care he won't care.

good luck

 

[Vixen_17]

Thanks for your advice Nikki. I have sat down and spoken with him on several occassions and explained how important it is that he gets ready on time.

He has been going to Kung Fu classes (started because he was getting bullied at school) but he moans every week that he doesn't want to go. To be fair, when he's there he does actually work at it. Unfortunately we've had to stop that now so I'm taking him to Cubs next week and we want to get him into Cadets when he turns 10 in October.

I've said he can go out on his scooter/skateboard/rollerskates or bike once his chores are done but he's not interested. He'd rather sit at home and be bored. When he's seen something he'd like in the shops we've said to him on a few occassions that if he does jobs around the house we'll pay him so he can buy what he wants. 9 times out of 10 he'll decline as he can't be bothered to work so will just choose to go without.

 

[Yazz_n_bump]

Maybe you could try elimating the xbox completely aka no xbox time.

And instead of doing chores for money (which you've said he has no interest in) for every chore he does give him 20 minutes or so xbox time? So he'll be a bit more motivated to get the chores out of the way and to get on the xbox? Or maybe if he does so many chores a week he'll get a special treat at the end of the month like a new xbox game or a day out somewhere or have his mates over to stay?

 

[babe2ooo]

omg i could have wrote this myself, i have step son who is 9 nearly 10 and he does the same thing, only intrested in x-box or going out playing, doesnt listen in school, doesnt listen to us, i have no advice really, we have to keep talking to him reminding him thing, he hids things from us to, like if his teacher sends a note home saying hes been naughty he hids it,dont know how to help really cause were having the same problem.

 

[Inge]

omg i could have wrote this myself, i have step son who is 9 nearly 10 and he does the same thing, only intrested in x-box or going out playing, doesnt listen in school, doesnt listen to us, i have no advice really, we have to keep talking to him reminding him thing, he hids things from us to, like if his teacher sends a note home saying hes been naughty he hids it,dont know how to help really cause were having the same problem.

same here. Oh just unplugs the xbox and takes the lead with him if step son (his boy) refuses to come off it or do something else. But he does just sit there and play xbox and not move all day so its a worry sometimes

 

[netty]

my 9 year old is the same.
I have started to lmit his time now and he doesnt go on it before school at all.
He is then allowed 2 hours in the evening max.

weekends are still a problem though

 

[Aussiemum81]

OMG i can totally relate to this. My 9 and 10 year old boys are always on the XBOX and cant get them off!! They are waking up at 5am before school to play the xbox and weekends they are always on it!!

 

[MrsRabbit]

Make any screen time COMPLETELY and TOTALLY dependent on if they do good in school, do as their told, do their chores. If not. Too bad so sad. They do not need entertainment or fun. As long as you provide shelter, food, showers, bed etc - the basics everything else is extra and you can take it away. My nephew - I had a rule - all chores done for 30 minutes of screen time. Then he would get additional screen time for time spent reading.

My son is 4 and knows he has to keep up with what's expected or the TV\video games go away and I stick to it. The other day he was acting up while we were out to lunch and I asked him what would happen if he didn't do as expected - he sat up and ate the rest of his meal nicely. That no TV for 24 hours really works.

If they sneak it. Take the controllers and unplug the power cord from the back and put it up where they can't get it.

 

[Vixen_17]

I think we now have the whole Xbox thing under control. He knows it's a priviledge and not a right that he goes on it. The motivational problems and lack of common sense still exist though.

I guess this is normal for a 9 year old boy? Only having the one I'm really no expert!!

 

[MrsRabbit]

I have to remind my HUSBAND to keep the XBOX under control -- I think it's a male thing to be honest.

 

[Mamof1]

I have a 10yr old that plays on Xbox live all the time (I monitor this and have parental locks set up). He plays football 3 nights per week and has one match either on a Saturday or Sunday. He has to do all home work etc before he plays on it. We have a agreement, there is no Xbox in the morning before school and on a Friday night I allow him to stay up 1 hour later to play with friends on it. The only way I can motivate him is to bargain with him, he's like a teenager!!.

Xbox is the bane of my life!

 

[debbras]

Vixen_17

I have two boys - one just turned 9, the other will be 11 on Wed.
My young one used to frustrate me too with the same concerns- seemed like there's no motivation or desire to do anything but play, especially the video games.

From some things I have studied I came to realize that he is motivated by play & fun. He is the type of person that is extremely creative, loves to read, is an amazing story teller, loves movies and his toys. He can be extremely focused and attentive for hours... remember amazing details for all the things involving play, games, stories, movies etc. He also loves his 'collections' (game cards, movies, stuffed animals, cars,)

When it comes to tying shoes, brushing teeth, making the bed, putting dishes away... the things we do every day- at first glance he seems very careless and forgetful. At times he seems to not be able to remember anything you do daily, and doesn't appear to be concerned with 'time'.

For the routine that we all learn about as moms for teaching the kids how to do things, keep us all on time.. his way didn't make life easy. I too did the schedule and posted it on the refrigerator. For him, I did it very visually- so not only did I use the words, but also pictures when he was smaller. That helped. Here's what really helped... I use specific language to support him and motivate him to get 'things done' - but I do it in a way that connects with his core behavioral motivator.. the play.

When there's work to do, I talk to him and get him to want to be involved by using words like "this will be really fun and easy". "Here's a cool way to do...." "How awesome will you feel when you are enjoying....."

People like my son are often very intelligent. (My son is super smart... he DOES remember amazing details. He just chooses what details to remember! LOL!) When they are motivated by play- as parents, we can use the incentive of "if we get this XXXX done fast (they often like fast)- then there will still be time for you to play...

The play becomes a reward. It took me some time to really understand this- but wow- it sure took away my stress for trying to figure out 'why' he wouldn't or couldn't seem to remember simple daily things. We now make a game out of it. Sometimes I create a challenge for him (to get things done right the first time, etc)- and then a reward for a job well done. The reward often is simply more time to play- or to play with him.

We actually do limit the time on the video games. 1/2 hour daily.. and only if they have been good. That desire to play all the time can be used for the discipline too as already stated here.

I hope this helps a bit. When I read your post, your child sounds like my son.

One last share- for my son, since 'goal planning', setting and those type of analytical details can frustrate him with those specific words, we created a 'Success Book'. It's a note book ( a journal) that he uses for making his own lists. When we call it a success plan, (and make a game or have fun imagining him succeeding)-he will write it down. Then, he has it as his own reference. That really helped too. It was not my 'list of to do's... but HIS list of creative ideas that he wanted to achieve for himself.

We saw a major change in his attitude, school work and his desire to really participate in school. It was his own idea to work towards getting some awards at school. That was a major change.


Anyway, keep up the great work. It's cool to see moms sharing here. Thanks for letting me post with you.

 

[lemily]

I definitely think he might be quite a practical or creative child. These sorts of children often switch off at school as they are more practical (kinaesthetic) learners rather than good at listening and following visual commands.

Second of all, any screen time whether TV or xbox causes the brain to rewire itself so that it demands more, more, more. It has something to do with the refresh rate of the image. It can ruin attention spans in particularly vulnerable children even in small amount. I would limit any screen time to weekends only, and then a certain amount must be earned. If he does no chores over the week, he has no screen time at all. Children have brain plasticity meaning they can reverse the effects of television and regain an attention span.

Bearing both of the above things in mind, I would encourage and make time to make him play board games with you, or to play charades, or to sit on a chair in the kitchen and talk to you/read you a book while you cook. Even encourage him to call his friends on the telephone and talk to them in the evening. It's all socialising activities than involve more than one person - something which xbox and TV seem to lack. Active versus passive activities. You can set up a schedule on the fridge of the evening activities for the week so he knows what is coming. After a few weeks he may have a preference for the activities he prefers most, or may want to suggest some alternatives. Around about 9, he may like to take on a project so researching something that is interested to him like Egyptians or World War 2 or fighter planes or something. You can get books from the library and/or supervise internet searches with him. It is all about giving him things to do, making him do them, and realising that there is no time for TV and Xbox. Unfortunately this often means a lot more effort from both parents to find time to assist in these activities but it will be worth it in the end. If he has meaningful, structured activities and less screen time, his attention will improve and he will learn about delayed gratification and this should spill over into his schoolwork.

I would also mention to the school that he is possibly a kinaesthetic learning and can they help incorporate that into the way they engage him (e.g. giving him wooden cubes during maths will help him visualise the equations and give his fingers something to do).

Also, as a 9 year old child, particularly boys, they tend to have a lot of energy and when they aren't allowed to release this energy actually come across as disinterested learners, and may seem quite 'idle' in a very confusing sort of way. The more you can encourage him to move, the more tired he will be, the better he will sleep, and the better his concentration in the day. If he isn't interested in riding his bike, he might love a trampoline in the garden, or skipping or just kicking a ball/tennis ball against a wall outside the house.

He will get there. Small changes can yield big results. The teachers at school can tell you if they see a change in him after you adjust his routine a bit so you can see what works and what doesn't.

 

[Vixen_17]

Thank you sooooooooooooo much ladies for your input. I'm so grateful that you've taken the time to share your knowledge with me and I will do my best to take what you have said on board - it's exactly what I needed.

 

[Kimmy25]

Omg you ladies described my 7 year old he too loves XBOX and playing with figures he collects all the match attacks cards etc. He has the most amazing memory and remembers all the facts from premiership scores who got yellow cards how many points etc is reading is also fantastic and he is reading books 3 years older than he should..It comes to tying his shoe laces he wont do it, riding a bike hes not interested, getting ready i have to check hes doing it every 2 mins!

Thanks for the advice I shall be implementing this with my son also! x