How to "mysteriously" avoid OH family?

[nolansmom]

So I'm pretty certain that Oh family just doesn't like me. I suspect they have a "type" for him and I don't meet their criteria (nor has anyone else). I'm ok with that as I'm over trying to impress them - I've been over that.

OH sister recently made some rude remarks about the time and interest OH has in me and my Ds (6 from previous marriage) and how he doesn't have that sort of interest in her son. I find it astonishing that a married, grown woman would expect her grown brother to act like a 3rd parent to her son.. Fast forward she doesn't think it's necessary to congratulate me on pregnancy - afterall she said "congrats" to her brother..

So, now that I'm as annoyed by her as can possibly be, how do I avoid OH family functions w/o making it obvious that it's because of her? I have no desire to entertain them and don't feel like having them entertain me. I would be more than happy visiting with his parents but suspect that she would pretty well always be around. I would like absolutely nothing to do with her going forward and wouldn't give her the satisfaction of spending time with my lo as I don't feel like she is deserving and with the way she has acted I feel she has severely, misguided jealousy issues which I'm sure will tfr to my expected lo.

I don't want her at hospital - or visiting.. Nothing.. I have made this crystal clear to OH. I have also made it clear to him that I'd love for him to continue with his usual family routine, but that I just won't be participating in it.. I would rather my time be spent with my own family (not going to his cousins on Christmas day). I think that's perfectly reasonable and unless he could somehow guarantee me that we would be visiting his other family for an hour and while his sister is not there, I just don't want to do it.

Just to add - OH and I do not live together so I'm not telling him not to open the door to his sister. I'm saying that I will not be opening my door to his sister or taking LO to see her specifically. He is welcome to entertain his sister as he normally would at his own place. I expect to be home a lot with Ds and Lo and not visiting with those who couldn't muster up a congratulations..

Not sure what I'm asking exactly. Do i seem like a horrid bitch? Can I get away with avoidance? or super short 30 minute visits?

 

[bamm]

I weighed in on your other topic about her, she sounds so nasty! I wouldn't even try to politely avoid her! I'd just say, 'if she is going to be there, count me out!' I tried to play nice with DFs fam, and they are still horrible, scummy people, so I just now refuse to have any contact whatsoever, and if DF wants to see them, he can drive to wherever they want to meet.

But since it's not quite at that toxic a stage, where you still like the rest of the family, just maybe do what you said, and spend xmas with your family. For the unavoidable functions, could you just stay at the opposite end of the room from her, and if she comes near, wander off to talk to someone else/go to toilet sort of thing?

 

[nolansmom]

Thanks for reply.. I have considered that and it's still possible but not how I feel right now.. It would take some sort of large gesture on her part in order for that to happen and she is def not about to do that anytime soon.. The issue is that I suspect she keeps in contact with all cousins that are all between 30-40 married and have kids whereas Oh doesn't so much because he isn't a huge chatter. So I suspect she will have talked about me to them (I really think this not making it up) and kinda swayed things in her favour. I imagine many people would do that as a way to ensure everyone is on their side..

Oh mentioned she left him voicemail today and even just hearing about her made my blood boil.. She said to him about not congratulating me on pregnancy "I said congrats to you and you're my brother. I don't think I have to congratulate her and if she has a problem with it tell her to call me"... isn't that kind of clear as day that the person doesn't have any desire to be cordial?

I know that OH knows he is walking on thin ground with me and LO because he and I do not live together nor are we planning to. I have a good living arrangement to support a 6 yr old and LO in an expensive city so I am staying put for awhile. Close to Ds school etc so I'm not in any rush to move in with him esp since we aren't married. So he knows that he'll essentially be "visiting" himself and spending nights here etc.. My fear is a couple of things about the holidays.

1. If I am not going neither will our LO. My Ds is going to be with his sibling on special holidays as is my family who supports me.
2. If I don't let him take LO to these events he may end up mad at me
3. His family will likely expect to see LO on their big holidays but I'd rather just visit with grandparents for an hour or 2
4. The other family aren't really in OH life unless they call him up asking for something and have never invited us over for dinner or BBQ even though we are a couple and I have a Ds same age as their kids..
5. Even if I agreed to go to his family event for an hour or two I'm sure it would be the whole "why are you leaving so early" thing. They don't have short things either.. They have full day long events and I don't want OH to feel forced to leave..

I guess it's a wait and see but I really don't anticipate it going well.. But like what is his sister gonna do anyway? Show up at hospital and try to hug and kiss me hello? Ya right -- too fake for me.

 

[HBGirl]

I refuse any and all contact with my SIL and I have made it perfectly clear why. Her whole family is on her case to say sorry but she won't. As a result she is making herself look worse and worse. I suggest you play it like that.

 

[Storm1jet2]

I've given up trying to totally avoid my inlaws - the reason I am willing to spend some time with them (not a lot mind you) is because I know it makes DH happy and it makes him sad when I have nothing to do with them. Doesn't mean I have to agree with them or like them too much though

 

[TicToc]

I have a SIL who I no longer will talk to so I understand where you are coming from. For me it is easier since DH won't talk to her anymore either. You are definitely not being a bitch by distancing yourself from the situation, that's what I did. But since you are not married, depending on how things go in the future you might want to keep in mind that you may not retain complete control over where the new baby spends holidays. It is perfectly reasonable that the dad may want to have his child with him at some important family events and you may have to take turn or share days or whatever. That part of the agreement may get tricky over time depending on how he feels about it.

 

[bamm]

Hmm, with the hour or two thing - could you maybe let them know before hand that you can't stay longer than an hour or so - so you've already got yourself set up. 'I'd love to stay, but I promised xx that we would be there at xx time" and let OH stay there?

Yeah, from that voicemail, it's pretty clear she's quite rude and petty! Who actually goes out of their way to explain why they WON'T congratulate someone? How hard is it to say 'congratulations guys!' :/

By the sounds of it, I wouldn't compromise where I am living either - would OH move in with you? Or do you prefer it the way it is? You say he might get mad if you always have little one at functions - but will it get to you if he's at home while you have to do the late nights etc?

 

[nolansmom]

This may sound entirely horrible but part of the reason I am not in a rush to "move in" with OH or have him move in with me is because it's just not a good enough offer at this point. That would essentially mean upheaving Ds school scenario, likely moving in to an apartment (I live in a house now) and because of distance losing the support of my family. I was married before and divorced when Ds was quite small. Once you've been through that type of scenario as a single parent it really takes a toll and has kinda made me "scared" to change things up. It took me a long time to get to a place when I could support Ds on my own and feel really happy with where I am - so changing all of that doesn't appeal right now for the sake of moving in with someone. It's just not enough commitment for me to risk it. Also it's hard to trust relationships and their long term prospective. Since I am comfortable and Ds is comfortable and LO will be comfortable why risk it? Yeah, guess it sounds nuts.

 

[HBGirl]

That doesn't sound nuts to me hun.

 

[wish4baby]

So I'm pretty certain that Oh family just doesn't like me. I suspect they have a "type" for him and I don't meet their criteria (nor has anyone else). I'm ok with that as I'm over trying to impress them - I've been over that.

OH sister recently made some rude remarks about the time and interest OH has in me and my Ds (6 from previous marriage) and how he doesn't have that sort of interest in her son. I find it astonishing that a married, grown woman would expect her grown brother to act like a 3rd parent to her son.. Fast forward she doesn't think it's necessary to congratulate me on pregnancy - afterall she said "congrats" to her brother..

So, now that I'm as annoyed by her as can possibly be, how do I avoid OH family functions w/o making it obvious that it's because of her? I have no desire to entertain them and don't feel like having them entertain me. I would be more than happy visiting with his parents but suspect that she would pretty well always be around. I would like absolutely nothing to do with her going forward and wouldn't give her the satisfaction of spending time with my lo as I don't feel like she is deserving and with the way she has acted I feel she has severely, misguided jealousy issues which I'm sure will tfr to my expected lo.

I don't want her at hospital - or visiting.. Nothing.. I have made this crystal clear to OH. I have also made it clear to him that I'd love for him to continue with his usual family routine, but that I just won't be participating in it.. I would rather my time be spent with my own family (not going to his cousins on Christmas day). I think that's perfectly reasonable and unless he could somehow guarantee me that we would be visiting his other family for an hour and while his sister is not there, I just don't want to do it.

Just to add - OH and I do not live together so I'm not telling him not to open the door to his sister. I'm saying that I will not be opening my door to his sister or taking LO to see her specifically. He is welcome to entertain his sister as he normally would at his own place. I expect to be home a lot with Ds and Lo and not visiting with those who couldn't muster up a congratulations..

Not sure what I'm asking exactly. Do i seem like a horrid bitch? Can I get away with avoidance? or super short 30 minute visits?

No, you definitely do not seem bitchy! You have every right not to want to be around her (or her family).

Now, I am going to kinda throw something out there...if you really want things to work out and move forward with your partner...is there any way you could try to start over with her? maybe take her up on the offer to call her (from the voicemail message!) - then ask her to lunch and talk to her, tell her how you feel and that you'd like to try to be civil and eventually have a relationship, maybe say something about how important family is, blah, blah... Maybe she can tell you exactly why she has such issues with you and you can resolve them?
I'm just thinking that alienating yourself from his family is going to make them dislike you more, plus she'll most likely be poisoning everyone against you and you won't be there to show them anything different.
If you do seperate yourself, imagine worst case senario, they could start pressuring him - not marry you, to see other people, that the baby isn't his, that you're awful/cheating, ect.
It could become unbearable for him to have a relationship with them and you. I'm sure he'd chose you and his LO, but that could lead to resentment and problems between you two. It has to be hard being the man in the middle of the feud. Even if trying went nowhere, your man would see that you are trying and he'd appreciate it. And, if possible, I'd let his mom and dad know how hard you are trying (discreetly, not gossipy, of course), then they'd think even more of you.

And, on your fears for the holidays:
1. If I am not going neither will our LO. My Ds is going to be with his sibling on special holidays as is my family who supports me.
This may not always be the case, especially if you two split up and he takes it to court!

2. If I don't let him take LO to these events he may end up mad at me
He could most definitely get mad, most fathers will want his child around him on holidays

3. His family will likely expect to see LO on their big holidays but I'd rather just visit with grandparents for an hour or 2
True, and overall, it could be a good experience for your LO! The more family to love your child, the better!

4. The other family aren't really in OH life unless they call him up asking for something and have never invited us over for dinner or BBQ even though we are a couple and I have a Ds same age as their kids..
Maybe this will change, if they get to know you, instead of just what his sister has to say

5. Even if I agreed to go to his family event for an hour or two I'm sure it would be the whole "why are you leaving so early" thing. They don't have short things either.. They have full day long events and I don't want OH to feel forced to leave..
He will, and he should...you and your kids should be #1 for him. But, the events may be fun for all of you if the circumstances changed

And I definitely wouldn't move! He needs to move in with you glad you are close with your family (what about inviting your parents and his to your place, pretty regularly?)
Just my 2cents!!! I really hope everything works out!

 

[nolansmom]

Thanks for reply.. OH is now staying with me as he and his parents have gotten in to a huge argument over - His sister and the fact that he is upset with her.. Also me being pregnant.. It didn't take long, only a couple of days of his parents being pack from EU and an hour alone together.. He won't tell me all that was said (I imagine it was offensive to me) but it was enough for him to take his things and leave.. I anticipated this - I knew it would play out this way as his parents love the control and since I am not controllable that's an issue

C'est la vie