How to support friend

[Amy_T]

Hi all,

I hope you don't mind me popping in here. Firstly, i am sorry for all if your losses.

I have come in to ask for some advice on how to support my friend. She is carrying twins but was told last week (at 22 weeks) that one had no heartbeat. She is understandably absolutely devastated, not helped by the fact that her other twin is now at risk.

She is not really talking much and has a brilliant support network with her husband and family but I wondered how to handle it from a friend point of view? Any advice from you ladies would be appreciated. I know everyone handles things differently but i am not sure whether to send texts just to say I am thinking of her, whether to wait for her to come to me etc. her (twin) sister is keeping me informed of any updates on the situation and we have been specifically asked not to call but is there anything I can do?

I keep thinking about her but no idea how I can support her, know there's nothing I can do that will help as such but just want to be there.

Sorry for the essay! X

 

[GingerPanda]

Like you said, everyone grieves in their own way. I would say if you've been specifically asked not to call, then she's probably dealing with her loss the same way I did with real-life acquaintances (granted, her's was a lot farther along than mine was).

I didn't want people bugging me. I knew if I left the communication lines open, they would all want to try to figure out what they heck they should say or do, but they wouldn't really have any idea at all of what to say or do. And the honest truth was, there wasn't ANYTHING they could say or do.

I didn't want anyone to "be there for me" except my husband and MIL. I wanted everyone else to leave me alone and let me process what was happening.

It's been about a month now, and I'm starting to open up more about what happened and start to let my friends in.

It's possible that all she needs is time, but I would say... that if you've been specifically asked not to call, then trying to talk about it or even genuinely be there for her might have the opposite effect you intended.


If her sister is talking to you, then you might mention it to her sister that if your friend needs you for anything that you're available and you're there for her. Let your friend come to you when she's ready.



I hope everything turns out as best it can for her, and that her other baby stays safe. You're a wonderful friend for wanting to be there for her. She'll probably need you to lean on, just maybe not yet.

 

[Amy_T]

Thank you for your reply. I think you're right really, her sister has said she is struggling to talk to anyone, including her so think what you say about her needing time is probably right. Horrible feeling so useless but I know even if I spoke to her there's nothing I could say. I've had the stressful uncertainty in pregnancy that she's having with the other baby but the added tragedy of carrying a baby that's already passed must be awful.

We've been friends all our lives so she will know I'm here if she needs me. Thanks again.

 

[GingerPanda]

I continued to carry my baby for a week after finding out it had no heartbeat (I was waiting for a D&C). It was heartbreaking, but it also gave me panic attacks because I'm afraid of touching dead people, and there was one inside me.

I can't imagine how she feels still having another baby in there.

I really hope she gets along as best she can.

 

[ilovemyhubby]

at first i was in shock and couldnt have talked to anyone cause my brain wasnt functioning properly, but after the fog cleared, everyone kinda ignored me and i felt totally alone, so u could ask her what she needs from you, i wish people would have asked to come over, brought me food(theres no way i could have cooked and only sweets tasted good for weeks) i felt like asking them to come and listen to me cry was a burden. i think texts telling her you love her and are thinking of her and expect no reply from her unless she wants to are a good idea...its really hard to know what to do, as everyone is different and grieves differently, here are a couple resources...hope its helpful...

https://www.babylosscomfort.com/grief-resources/
(the section what do i say is particularly helpful)

and a cool project you could show her when she is feeling up to it....

https://whitesignsofgrief.blogspot.com/


and also tell her about this forum and encourage her to write about it if it would help...
thank you for being a good friend to her, im so sorry for her loss, you can tell her to message me if she needs a friend who understands to listen...

 

[Amy_T]

Thank you, that's really useful, I will point her in this direction once she's ready to talk. I have sent the odd text just saying that i am thinking if her etc, don't want to send too many but don't want her to think we're just getting on and not giving them a second thought as that's not true.

Thanks again. X

 

[ilovemyhubby]

i think you are right to not ignore her. most people ignored me and thats not at all what i needed. just as long as she knows u r just sending her love with no strings attached, and u r there for her as soon as she feels ready to talk. you are a really sweet friend, she is lucky to have you! i hope she is doing ok. lemme know if theres anything i can do to help.

 

[Amy_T]

Thank you, I can only imagine what it's like and what support would be useful.

I text her this morning a very basic "thinking of you" message and she replied so we had a little 'chat'. They're slowly coming to terms with things and trying to hang on to some hope for their surviving baby girl.

Thanks again for the advice.

 

[ilovemyhubby]

nobody should have to know what this is like. its awful. just be there to listen to her. that is the most important. i dunno how she is feeling, but after i came out of the fog, i really wanted to talk about it. and as awesome as my husband is(hes pretty great) he is and was grieving too, so i really could have used someone like you to be supportive.. glad you guys got to chat. its good for her to be able to talk it out. ill be praying for her and her baby.

 

[dairymomma]

Just letting her know you are there when she's ready to talk is plenty. I recently had my 7th m/c and as soon as one of my closest friends found out, she texted saying she was able to come over whenever I wanted. When she came over, she brought a sympathy card, a bouquet of flowers, and a great big hug. Then she sat and listened to me talk. I didn't want to hear advice or questions or anything. I just wanted to spill my guts and get it all out and the fact that she sat there for over an hour and listened to me meant more than anything else she could have done.