How to tell a friend who had a recent loss that you are expecting

[the_key2005]

Hi Girls,

I need your advise. I really dont know how to do this. A close work friend of mine just recently had a loss. She knew about my previous loss and confided in me. I didnt tell her at the time because she was going through the same things I was back then and i remember getting real upset whenever I heard someone was expecting etc. Well its now been a month since their loss. And am now starting to show a little and will soon need to let work know. I want to tell her before I tell work as I would rather she heard it from me first. How do I approach the subject without hurting her feelings?

 

[pinkgem100]

I dont think there is going to be an easy way or best time to tell her (as you know yourself) but telling her your self is going to be the best thing and let her deal with it in her own way. I remember 2 of my close friends found out they where pregnant 4 months after i lost Harry. One of them told me face to face and i was pleased for her, the other one didnt tell me and i found out fromm another friend, it wasnt that i wasnt happy for her i just wish she had been able to tell me her self and to be honest we have been quite distant since, i have been to vist her etc but she has never been to mine and even when i found out i was pregnant she is the only person not to say congratulations!!

I just think that however she reacts you just need to make sure you are there for your friend!!

xx

 

[hb1]

I think Pinkgem has it down to a T - just take her to one side - let her know you realise it's difficult for her but you wanted to let her know that you are expecting - she will appreciate that you are holding her feelings in high regard.

hx

 

[the_key2005]

Thanks girls. We are going out to lunch together today so will sass out the mood and try and do it then. Am so nervous eek!

 

[hb1]

Good luck she is lucky to have a friend like you

hx

 

[Smiler13]

Personally I have always preferred to find out from other people or my partner when friends / colleagues are pregnant, rather than directly from them. Having "notice" before I see them makes it easier to get upset if I need to and compose myself before seeing them in person to say congratulations etc. But people are really different. Best just to get it over with!

 

[blondee]

I agree with all these ladies - there is no good way to hear the news if you have recently suffered a loss. While you respect your friend for having the guts to tell you to your face it might be easier to hear it off someone else so you don't have to gush about how excited you are for your friend when all you want to do is cry.


I recently thought that a good friend of mine who has been ttc for well over a year had heard via someone else that i was pregnant, so i emailed her immediately (i am currently living abroad) and told her the full story and tried to be encouraging for her. She responded very nicely saying she hadn't actually heard so was surprised by my email, she then told me a day later they had just found out that IVF was their only option. I sobbed and sobbed. My timing had been poop. We don't ever fully know what is going on with our friends and colleagues. TTC is such a crazy rollercoaster of emotions.....


All we can do is try our best to treat other ladies as we would like to be treated.

I hope your lunch went well.
X

 

[the_key2005]

Hi Girls, thought I would pop in and update you all. I couldnt do it at lunch because one of our male collegues insisted on tagging along. I have already mentioned to her that I need to chat so hopefully tomorrow. Will let you know. Am prepared for the worst but I hope she will still be able to come to me and feel like she can talk to me about everything she is going through.

 

[Mizze]

Good luck for tomorrow hon

Remember she might have difficulty with it but you are trying hard to do the best thing and you must not feel guilty that you are pregnant and she isnt (yet)


Mizze xx

 

[Mindy_mini]

No easy or nice way to tell her im affraid. You just need to tell her and get it out of the way.

I had exactly the same thing. My best friend had a MMC in december... the same day as her dads funeral. I was dreading telling her when we got our BFP in feb but she was nosey and found out herself by looking at my iphone apps whilst i was in the loo so I was spared the job.

She was really happy for me. it upset her but she was still happy for us.

Just tell her. I imagine it must be hard to receive that kind of news after a MC but im sure you felt happy for the couples who were sharing their news with you whilst upset at the same time. I think there are very few women who feel nothing but resentment. plus it might give her some hope that you've suffered a loss but you've got another chance IYSWIM

 

[Lil_Apple]

Good on you to be so considerate to your friend xx

I personally like to know one to one...I have a friend who kept her pregnancy from me and talked amongst our other friends about how to tell me and didnt want me to be 'jealous' (?) that very much hurt my feelings...Although sad for my loss a baby is a gift and I would always be over the moon for my friends and my friends should have known that

Good Luck hun xx

 

[the_key2005]

Hi Girls
So sorry for the late update. I finally had the chance to tell my friend. Well she didnt take it very well. She is currently not talking to me. Says she needs time to come to terms with it so am giving her space. I feel so guilty but i shouldnt be, If there was something I could do for her I would. What have I done wrong? why is she so angry with me? Whats going to happen when I start to show? *sigh*. I did prepare for the worst but part of me was hopeful, was I being selfish? I mean I wasnt expecting her to be over the moon for me but I also wasnt expected her to be so upset with me.

 

[pinkgem100]

you dont need to feel guilty, you did what you through was best.. its gunna take your friend so time but if i have read your original post correct you have also suffered a loss in the past so know what she is going though. I hope it sorts its self out for you both. xx

 

[stardust599]

I'm sorry she didn't take the news very well.

A few weeks after my loss a work colleague of mine found out she was pregnant. She told me sensitively on my own and gave me time to come to terms with it before she annouced it to anyone else. I have always been very grateful to her but sadly I couldn't get involved in her pregnancy - I was happy for her but I couldn't get close or excited at first. Eventually I joined in a little in her excitement even though it was hard. Her little girl is lovely now and it still hurts but it gets easier everytime.

I have another friend who knew about my loss and then we had a hard time TTC which she was well aware of too. She fell pregnant and kept it a secret from me until I found out through other friends. She never once acknowledged my loss or that it must be tough for me and I stopped seeing her because she used to "force" pregnancy talk on me - talking about her plans and how everything was going and showing me everything she'd bought etc. She was never sensitive and carried on even when it was obvious I was upset and uncomfortable. I was happy for her and tried but I couldn't face seeing her because it was so difficult to be around her. She has had her little boy now and I am 18weeks pregnant again but our friendship is gone

Just be sensitive but be happy for yourself too. I hope things work out xx

 

[the_key2005]

Thank you girls. Yes Pinkgem I know what she is going through as I have been there myself. I just hope I havent added to her pain. I will do whatever I can to show her that am still there for her. Stardust your story gives me hope that I did the right thing by telling her first face to face before everyone else. I will be sure to remain sensitive to her situation and not force baby-talk on her. You all have been so supportive and great. Thank you.

 

[hb1]

You did do the right thing, give her couple of weeks and then maybe ask how she's doing and that despite your pg you are still there as support for her and you still understand how she feels.

It will be awkward for her - she will feel pangs of jealousy and find it hard to be totally in to your pg but hopoefully in time she will come round - her time will come again and you will celebrate her bfp along with her

hx

 

[Mum2bewaiting]

you sis the right thing, your friend won't be angry at you, just the world... my sister's LO was due a few weeks after the baby we lost would have been, and I just had to go into my own world with her, as the once that I did talk to her it was very pregnancy related and hurt... give it time

 

[Mizze]

The girls are right - you did absolutely the right thing. You shouldnt feel guilty - you know why she is upset and it isnt you - not really, she is pissed off at the world, that its you and not her and she will be envious - just the reaction I suspect most of us would have initially. You already know to give her time and not to force pregnancy talk on her. But remember even if she cant get involved in your pregnancy let her be, you did nothing wrong at all, all you tried to do was to be a friend to her in a situation hard for you both.

Well done.

Mizze xx