How to tell family and friends I want a natural birth

[PhotoGirl]

We just found out we are expecting and are both really excited! My hubby is very supportive of whatever I want in the way of maternity care. I've always been interested in finding a way out of the "typical" labor and birth that I have seen so many friends and family members experience. I want to participate, not just lie in bed and have a endless procession of medical people come in and out of the room and make gloomy announcements about all the things they have to do to make sure the baby is ok. I've found a hospital about 50 minutes away from where we live that offers water birth, as well as homelike labor-delivery-postpartum suites and midwife services.

So here is my problem, we've only just announced that we are expecting and already everyone is asking which of the two main hospitals in town I will be going to. I don't want to go to either, but am pretty sure the reaction I will get when I try to explain my plans will be sheer incredulity. My three sister in laws are all mums, and have always treated me in a loving but patronizing way when it comes to motherhood as the youngest girl in the family, and since I've always been a bit of a tomboy. My Mom won't say anything, but I know she won't get it. One of our friends we told that we were expecting already cracked a water-birth joke (i.e. the crazies who don't want an epidural) without knowing that is what I want to try. Any advice on how to tell people what I want without making a big deal out of it? I don't feel I need to explain to them, but try telling that to the women in my family. Is there a short but sweet way to tell people I want a natural birth experience? How to you side-step all the sure to follow questions like "are you out of your mind not to get an epidural"?

 

[aliss]

If you are still going to a birth centre/hospital then I'd just give the name of the hospital and leave it at that. Don't tell them you are in labour, just go into labour, do your thing, and then they can find out after. Don't let the naysayer's disturb you.

I have a very simple response to the epidural question- I can't have one because it contributed to my son's birth injury. I'm guessing your family and friends don't believe that pain reliefs can have side affects? You've decided against it because you want to be mobile to help with labour and that's that - tell them to not bash your plan or patronize you (this is the worst part if it's your first), end the conversation there. Since you are in the US, your family probably doesn't know any different and there's no sense in trying to change their minds until after you have your wonderful water birth. Good lucK!!

 

[madasa]

Why do you have to tell them? Your birth, your business. This is an ancient and honourable job of bringing a baby out of your body and into your arms, not a crusade to convince anyone else of anything. Focus your energies on what is important

 

[PhotoGirl]

I wouldn't mention it. However, everyone is already asking who I'm going for my appointments. I live next to the Mayo Clinic, and to give you an idea, they employ 35,000 people in our city of 100,000. So if I say that I am getting my prenatal care in a small hospital in Wabasha, which is close to an hours drive away....everyones going to want to know why. It is the equivalent of saying your going skiing in Iowa, when you live in Colorado. Do I just say I'm going to St Elizabeth's and when they ask why....say what? Also, they will get the idea i really want to go there, otherwise why the hour drive each way, when I live next to the #3 hospital in the nation. I wish I could say it was a referral by a friend or something, but I don't know anyone else who has done this.

 

[aliss]

Hum.... well, you could just tell them you are having the baby 'locally' Same state right?

BTW I have googled this hospital, I must say you don't see much of that in the states. I think it's a fabulous idea!! Too many hospitals ignore the emotional and mental side of birth (learned this the hard way the 1st time), you are a smart cookie to take that into consideration I wish I had done that with my 1st!!!

 

[PhotoGirl]

I was super excited when I read about St Elizabeths! It is very unusual to find in the USA. I really wanted a water birth with laughing gas, but that is very rare here. Some weird thing about the FDA not having ever approved Entenox, and no US companies wanting to pay to go through the approval process when everyone just uses epidurals anyways. However, I'm happy to have just found a hospital close by that is supportive of natural birth at all, and has a water birth tub.

 

[PhotoLC]

You could just say that the hospital of your choice offers birthing options that are more flexible and you are researching everything so you have the perfect birth. They may roll their eyes, but they can't really argue with that. If they press further, just change the subject.
I'm also avoiding the two local hospitals (they have a 70% c-section rate!!!!) and choosing a hospital an hour away that offers a slightly more holistic experience.

 

[madasa]

Say, "ooo, I've found a great little hospital that will give me a really personal service so I get just what I want!"

 

[Cordelia Lynn]

Just be prepared that they might not be supportive. (but remind yourself that they're probably just jealous!)
I am planning a home birth and I get about 50 negative comments for every positive comment. It make me wish that I had kept my whole plan a secret! oh well.

 

[aliss]

70%, holy crap, that's just horrible. I understand larger hospitals will have higher risk cases but 70%?? That is just

 

[ZoeZo]

My Mum was a nurse for 40 years, so very medicalised, she practically laughed in my face when I said I wanted to go natural with no drugs - it was hurtful
My OH Mum gave me a 'look' when I mentioned homebirth, I doubt even my own friends who have had babies understand. Well my neighbour will, she had her first accidental home birth and second planned homebirth - my close friend is a recently qualified midwife and had her second daughter at home, so they 'understand'.

I'm not telling most people of my home or at hospital hands off natural birth plans, sad isn't it x

 

[NuKe]

im planning a homebirth, people who know me know better than to question it. my mum did give me one little "what if something happens?" speech but that was it. despite her being born at home herself! it's just that generation.

it's so sad that in the US the vast majority of ladies get epidurals it just seems to be the 'done' thing! i would tell them which hospital you're going to, if they ask why just say "because I want to." and leave it at that tbh!

 

[madasa]

I'd really go with the angle "I'm going with this hosp because I like it" rather than "I'm going with this hosp because I wnat X Y and Z and they will do that for me." They don't need to know your wants and reasons. None of their beeswax and if they are only going to be unsupportive, just tell them (triumphantly) after the fact.

 

[likeaustralia]

I'm just not telling people. My husband made the mistake of telling his parents we're going to a non-hospital birth center and I've made it quite clear to them that their opinion really doesn't matter to me after a birage of questions and "concerns". I really don't think it's any of their business to be honest. I only want my husband there, so it's not like they need directions or something to the place.

 

[vintagecat]

I keep my child-rearing and birthing plans mostly to myself because I don't care to hear negative opinions. It works for me and is what I am comfortable with and that's all that matters. My mom gave birth to my sister and I without any pain relief, so she isn't badmouthing me in the least for wanting my birth to be natural. I'm going to a small clinic and have been very happy with the experience so far.

 

[NaturalMomma]

Don't tell them. If you know they will not be supporitve then just keep it to yourself or those who are supportive. You don't need negativity surrounding your birth choices

 

[PhotoGirl]

Hmmm, I'm not sure how to "not mention" it. I can't complain about having an un-involved family anyways. On mother's day, we had a get together, and the baby talk started. My Aunt and Mom, and Sisters-in-law all leaned in and asked how I'm feeling and what symptoms I'm having, who my doctor is, have I been in for the first exam yet. They didn't even get into the who had the worst labor stories yet, but my brother jokingly patted my husband on the back and told him what he has to look forward to

I'm trying to think of something diplomatic that doesn't get into the whole natural/epidural debate. People can be so pushy if your not doing exactly what they did. So many women who've had an epidural go into the whole "why would you want to be a martyr" or act like your judging them by considering not having one. We'll have to mention the hospital location at some point...close friends and family will come to visit after the baby is born, it's our first and we have a close family. And I'm mostly talking about the people I care about, not acquaintances or anything. My two real women friends both also had typical-go along with the show- care for their births, and I don't want to hurt their feelings by refusing their referrals to their care providers and advice on things. I think for now I'll just say I'm at Mayo (where I go for general stuff now, and I'll probably go there for the first few basic appointments) and maybe not mention till the last minute (like when I'm in labor) that I changed providers along the way.

And on the same topic...I'm not sure I want my mom in the room during the labor. And I'm not sure how to bring that up. She's told me several times that she really is excited about this baby since I'm her daughter, and while all my brothers children are all great, she wasn't allowed in the room when any of them were born, and won't this time be different. My mom's great, but she's really proper, and if I do the natural birth, I'd imagine it won't be a tea party. I'm afraid having her there would make me feel self conscious. Any ideas how to gently let her down? Or am I worrying to much, is it a big deal to have extra people in the room when you are in labor?

 

[madasa]

Smile, and say "that's interesting" or "I will think about it" or "I haven't decided yet" and then change the subject?

 

[MeanKitty23]

I'm flip flopping back and forth between an unassisted home birth (because my LOVELY state doesn't seem to support midwives very much) and just laboring at home and waiting as long as possible before going to a hospital to deliver. Bottom line for me is, I insist on having it natural. Lights dim, no drugs, no chatter from hospital staff (if there).

I mentioned on Facebook that I was considering going all natural. I got emails from friends telling me "You'll want that epidural", and one girl gave me her HORROR story and insisted I take the pain meds! I didn't chew anyone out, but I'm telling these people:
1. I don't want drugs because I want to stay mobile to speed up labor
2. Women are MADE to have babies. If we recall, there was a time when pain meds didn't exist.

People have tried to counter that #2 comment with "Why force yourself to deal with pain when you don't have to?" .... My thought process is "Why take the chance of getting too doped up that you can't function?"

One friend said she had the IV drugs with her second baby and she got so "drunk" that she couldn't even speak clearly. She said all she could do was feel EVERYTHING and hit her husband in the arm out of frustration because she literally couldn't communicate with the hospital staff.

I've found the best way to handle the situations though when people start showing that "OMG you're CRAZY!" reaction is to say:

"The thought of going natural relieves my stress. It feels like the right thing to do. I've researched my options and that makes me feel most comfortable for several reasons. If something is wrong, I'll address it then, and make a decision about it then, but if all goes well, I'm not worried about the pain."

If someone can't accept that logic, .... sounds like a personal problem. I quickly dismiss them.

As far as having your mom in the room, I can understand that struggle. I wouldn't mind my mother being there, but I've explained it to my mom that I want this to be an intimate moment with my husband - something for the two of us to enjoy, with just each other... We were alone when making the baby, I'd like to be alone again with him to deliver what we made together. If all else fails.... video tape the delivery for her perhaps?

 

[La Mere]

Hmmm, I'm not sure how to "not mention" it. I can't complain about having an un-involved family anyways. On mother's day, we had a get together, and the baby talk started. My Aunt and Mom, and Sisters-in-law all leaned in and asked how I'm feeling and what symptoms I'm having, who my doctor is, have I been in for the first exam yet. They didn't even get into the who had the worst labor stories yet, but my brother jokingly patted my husband on the back and told him what he has to look forward to

I'm trying to think of something diplomatic that doesn't get into the whole natural/epidural debate. People can be so pushy if your not doing exactly what they did. So many women who've had an epidural go into the whole "why would you want to be a martyr" or act like your judging them by considering not having one. We'll have to mention the hospital location at some point...close friends and family will come to visit after the baby is born, it's our first and we have a close family. And I'm mostly talking about the people I care about, not acquaintances or anything. My two real women friends both also had typical-go along with the show- care for their births, and I don't want to hurt their feelings by refusing their referrals to their care providers and advice on things. I think for now I'll just say I'm at Mayo (where I go for general stuff now, and I'll probably go there for the first few basic appointments) and maybe not mention till the last minute (like when I'm in labor) that I changed providers along the way.

And on the same topic...I'm not sure I want my mom in the room during the labor. And I'm not sure how to bring that up. She's told me several times that she really is excited about this baby since I'm her daughter, and while all my brothers children are all great, she wasn't allowed in the room when any of them were born, and won't this time be different. My mom's great, but she's really proper, and if I do the natural birth, I'd imagine it won't be a tea party. I'm afraid having her there would make me feel self conscious. Any ideas how to gently let her down? Or am I worrying to much, is it a big deal to have extra people in the room when you are in labor?

Well, all I can say is that I was lucky that my parents were so supportive of me when I told them I was having a home water birth. My dad did voice his concerns, but we happened to be at my midwive's when he voiced them so she put his mind at ease even more than I could have. I transferred midwives mid-pregnancy because I moved, new midwife was sweet but not confident enough in me so she ended up sending me to the hospital at first sign of exhaustion. I still had her naturally, no pain meds and I honestly don't think I could have done it if my Mom wasn't in the room with me. (my OH, mom, doctor and 2 nurses were in the room).

And, honestly is your family will be that obstinate, I just wouldn't tell them.