Hubby wants to lie about our birth hospital...

[MImom2be]

Ok, confusing title, I'm sure, so I'll explain;

My husband's family has never approved of our relationship, our marriage and now, our baby. HOWEVER, they feel that they are entitled to share in EVERYTHING we do regarding our pregnancy, like they expected to come to all of my ultrasound appointments with us (anyone seen how small those rooms are???), that I was to consult them on ANYTHING I chose for my baby - regarding items (Um, my child, not yours???) and some other asinine stuff.

At first, I was hoping it was them trying to be supportive, now it's suffocating my husband and I to the point where we are avoiding our cell phones when they call, lying about when we'll be home, and avoiding most posts on Facebook. Needless to say, they're kinda sucking the joy out of pregnancy.

When I finally confronted them about this being our first child that has made it this far and how we appreciated their concern but we were excited to also share things as just a husband and wife/father and mother-to-be could, their response? "Last we checked, this wasn't just YOUR baby. Don't forget, we allowed you to marry Nick." UM, NO YOU DIDN'T, WE ELOPED YOU PSYCHOS, REMEMBER BECAUSE YOU STOPPED OUR MARRIAGE THE FIRST TIME?!

Anyway, now, they are ALL insisting that they will be in the delivery room with me (after reading the above, I don't think anyone would argue with me that having them in there will only stress me out!) and plan on staying while we're in the hospital...THE WHOLE TIME.

Nick and I have talked about it, and while we were originally planning on delivering at Henry Ford in Detroit, MI, my husband says he wants us to deliver at Beaumont, in Troy, MI to avoid his family. As in, he wants to go in, unannounced, not tell ANYONE I've gone into labor, had her, and then eventually call people when we leave the hospital...

I have no idea how to take this. My family is non-existent, so that's not a problem, but his family would string me up from the highest tree as a traitor. Seems like whenever NICK (Not even ME, but NICK) does something, I am the reason behind everything. Nick didn't go to a family Christmas party one year because he was still driving in a different state, and who got the blame? Me...yeah.

Any thoughts? Granted I know that the hospital would prevent them from seeing us if I made it clear I didn't want to see any of them, because Nick's already told me he wants the first few days for just US to bond with her, and for us to bond as not only husband and wife, but now as a new father and mother to our daughter.

Yeah...advice? Truth be told, I agree with wanting no visitors for the first few days/week but how to go about it? I'm gonna be painted as the "bad guy" anyway, so...?

 

[iwantabub]

so sorry u have to go through that... i know all about horrible inlaws and its dreadful....

i personally would rather have my labour my way with my dh alone and tell them later...

so yes i guess you could say lying about it... but who cares... despite what they think its your!!!! baby not theirs...

who cares what they say after anyways... you will be too content with your little one too care about them and their crap.


i hope all goes well for u

xx

 

[MImom2be]

iwantabub, you are amazing! I totally thought I was going to get called horrid names for sort of agreeing with hubby's plan LOL

It certainly isn't my goal to deprive ANYONE of this experience, but as the mother-to-be, they are and have been depriving ME of this experience! It took us 3+ years to conceive after we lost our first, and since then we've tried our best to avoid any and all drama from his family (like I said, mine's non existent, really, so it's not a concern) but I don't know, these crazies seem to thrive off of it...

I love my husband, I have four the past 4 years, but honestly, if I could do it over, I don't think I would've stayed with him because of his family...

 

[MrsWhite]

I think your husband needs to step up and tell the, outright, no questions asked, that they are not welcome in the delivery room and that he will call them when you and he are ready to receive visitors. No lying, but if he's up front with them then it's coming from him not you. He needs to protect you from his horrible family right now, you are vulnerable and need to be shielded from the stress.

 

[Julesillini8]

Uh, in law issues are no joke. Sorry they are so.... Rude and annoying. I would NOT call you any names if you go along with it, but I think when all is said and done you guys will pay the price and never hear the end of it from them. Again, I get it if you decide to do this, but could there be another way?
Could you let the hospital take the blame? Say they only allow one person in during labor and delivery... That being your husband. Then when settled in your post partum room after just tell the nurses that there will be strict visiting hours. Tell them visiting hours are from 1-3 ( or whatever you want). That way they can still come and meet the baby, but it will be on reasonable terms.. and YOUR terms. and you will get enough time just to yourselves with her. I think maternity nurses are good about getting them out when they know the patients wishes ( at least they were at my hospital, but again this may vary from staff to staff). they come in and excuse the visitors saying this test or that thing needs to be done, and visiting time has ended. ( They make it up, like i said my nurses were awesome and understanding) I don't know, just a suggestion. I just hope you don't get the blame and bad rap.

 

[HopinAndPrayn]

I told my MIL that we were going to wait until he was born to call her so we'd have some time to ourselves with our little guy just the three of us. She told me she was going to "watch Facebook" and call a lot. As if Facebook would be the first place I go when I'm in labor... I think that's so disrespectful and I totally understand why you're thinking about going that route. Some people just won't respect your wishes no matter how reasonable they are. If they can't respect boundaries I wonder just how much worse it will get once your little one is here. I'll hope for you that they come to their senses at some point! But letting you marry your husband? Ridiculous...

 

[iwantabub]

iwantabub, you are amazing! I totally thought I was going to get called horrid names for sort of agreeing with hubby's plan LOL

It certainly isn't my goal to deprive ANYONE of this experience, but as the mother-to-be, they are and have been depriving ME of this experience! It took us 3+ years to conceive after we lost our first, and since then we've tried our best to avoid any and all drama from his family (like I said, mine's non existent, really, so it's not a concern) but I don't know, these crazies seem to thrive off of it...

I love my husband, I have four the past 4 years, but honestly, if I could do it over, I don't think I would've stayed with him because of his family...

thats ok hun...

in reference to what one poster said i do think maybe your hubby needs to step in and tell em how it is...

unfortunately sometimes we fall in love with a lovely man... but his family not so much lol

as pp said you could try and blam the hospital so u dont get as much back lash... but i personally (maybe coz of my own experiences mixed with pregnancy hormones) would come straght out and say exactly what i am going to say to my sister in law which i have rehearsed sevral times ahah :

"have a baby is an experience between a mummy and a daddy (most of the time) and we are the people who have made this beautiful bundle of joy and we are the ones who get to spend every waking hour of every day worried and loving and supporting and nurturing this little bundle of joy til the day we die. so to be totally honest the first 3 days of our beautiful bubs life are a time i and my husband would like to spend bonding with our mirracle.
Any one who has a heart and truly cares not only about "a new baby in the house" but actually cares about thiis childs entire life would not find that hard to understand and would be extremely happy to visit or meet our baby after we have spent our time getting to know her. "

you could also add in the part about unless they plan to be there every night when she's up screaming from colic and pooing her nappy and needing a feed at 3am, then they probably dont need to be there for the birth either lol

 

[Julesillini8]

Yeah I agree with you, iwantabub. Truly the best thing is for the husband to step it up and confront them. Be honest and stern about your wishes. But it seems like he won't do that, seeing as he just suggests lying about it. Maybe you could talk him into doing this for you MImom??
I think you, also, should be able to tell them what you want. She has a great dialogue that I agree with. I just hope that in the end this doesn't come back and make it harder on you and cause more stress and fights and nasty comments from them. In the end, you two have to make the decision of what to do, and then you will have to live with how his family reacts. Hopefully they come to their senses that this is YOUR baby, I really hope this goes your way and you don't have to take crap from them over it.

 

[Bubsta]

Oh you poor thing. I wouldn't lie about which hospital.... But I certainly wouldn't be telling them when I went into labour. The hospital won't be able to disclose whether you are there (but I would be mentioning to keep it secret anyways) and I would be telling them that you are not accepting visitors. You have tried to talk to them about boundaries and they haven't respected that, so I think they only have themselves to blame. Taking this action might just give them the reality check that they need to understand this is in fact your baby and not theirs. Don't let them call the shots. There is no way in hell I would have anyone in addition to my DH in the delivery room after experiencing birth. Way too personal. Good luck Hun. Stick to your guns. It fires me up for you. Xxx

 

[MImom2be]

Thank you SO much ladies!

Sadly, his family has been the cause of so many fights over the years (and many divorce threats/meetings with lawyers) that no, I do not believe he will step up and tel them...It will fall on me, I will be the one preventing them, and "Poor Nicky" is just married to the shrew...Hear that all the time from this family :/

I, myself am usually non-confrontational (not the point of blatant deceit, like my husband is asking, mind you) but it's getting to the point where salvaging a relationship with any of these f**ktards is not a priority in the slightest. Nick is getting fed up too, but usually just lies to cover his a$$ and such...Nice, mature behavior from a 25 year old, eh?

I expect I'll ALWAYS have issues with his family, and I can live with that, but I CANNOT live with them ruining such a special, life changing moment for us. I will sit Nick down when he gets home from work, and we'll discuss, word-for-word what we'll say to them about it, and if they don't accept it, switching our planned birth hospital will be a Plan B.

Just don't know what else to do from here, ya know?

 

[MrsWhite]

In the end, all that matters is your time with your baby. So however you do it, you need to just make peace with the fact that you are probably going to piss them off no matter what, and just be okay with it. It's their fault and their problem, because no matter what way you go about it you are doing what's best for you and your husband and baby. And this is just the beginning because once you have your baby there will always be something for them to butt their noses into even moreso than they do now! Do whatever you need to do to preserve your time with baby, and your marriage! As long as you two are on the same page, who cares what they say (easier said than done I know, no matter how much in laws annoy us we always would rather they liked us, just seems you're fighting a losing battle). Granted, I do still think it's better for your husband to just stand his ground, but in the end if you have to lie about the hospital or just don't call them it's what you need to do. Just sit down and decide as a couple what you're going to do, don't let it cause a rift between you two and try to be okay with the fact that no matter what you do will probably upset them (though only because THEY are being unreasonable, not you). Good luck! Try to enjoy this special time, it's a shame this has to be a stressor but you can get past it together

 

[d_b]

Haha kinda sounds like a good plan! But I don't think I would lie about the hospital. Can you just not tell them when you're in labour?

It may be hard not to have them visit for the first few days. But you can get a nurse to kick them out after a half hour visit in the hospital so it might be easier to have them meet your LO then instead of coming over to your house and staying for hours.

 

[amjon]

I don't think anyone would judge you for not wanting them there. Go to the hospital you feel most comfortable at and tell them after it's all said and done.

 

[TwoRdue]

Sorry you are having to deal with thid. My oh can be the same with his family to where I have to lie to them as he just wont step up but we are moving country soon and it will be great to not have all the back stabbing and sly comments from them.
This is your time and it need to be a special as it can be so do what ever you can to get that moment

 

[MImom2be]

From what I understand, Henry Ford told me that if there was an emergency they couldn't handle, I'd be transferred to Beaumont anyway, but I also worry that if I go to Beaumont, they won't have time to transfer and read my files before deciding how to proceed.

Basically, I agree that no matter WHAT I do, his family's going to be pissed and make a stink about it. If we defy them and tell them that we have informed the hospital to NOT allow any visitors, I'll be the bad guy, and if I change hospitals last minute and don't inform anyone, I'll be the bad guy, so really, it's the lessor of two evils. On one hand, I wouldn't be lying to them because my husband refuses to stand up to them, and I can stay with a hospital that has ALL of my medical records. On the other hand, Beaumont is Henry Ford's backup, but now that I'm past 28wks, there's really nothing that the main branch of Henry Ford in Detroit shouldn't be able to handle, right?

Thanks again ladies! I appreciate all the responses!

 

[Babushka]

You could always tell the hospital not to let them in, I'm sure most birthing centres aren't that big & the extra people would get in the way of the midwives. If you really aren't comfortable lying, talk to your MIL and tell her that you are not comfortable lying on bed with inlaws in the room whilst you have your legs spread! Ask her if she would like people attending her next pap smear.

It sounds like these people have no ideas on boundaries. If they insist on waiting in the waiting room then I would switch hospitals & let them know after the bub is born. I couldn't stand people waiting around whilst I'm giving birth. And, if they blame you then so be it, you aren't doing anything wrong & they are the ones with the issues. They might even dis-own you and your hubby, then you are free of them!

Good luck and don't give it.

 

[iwantabub]

You could always tell the hospital not to let them in, I'm sure most birthing centres aren't that big & the extra people would get in the way of the midwives. If you really aren't comfortable lying, talk to your MIL and tell her that you are not comfortable lying on bed with inlaws in the room whilst you have your legs spread! Ask her if she would like people attending her next pap smear.

It sounds like these people have no ideas on boundaries. If they insist on waiting in the waiting room then I would switch hospitals & let them know after the bub is born. I couldn't stand people waiting around whilst I'm giving birth. And, if they blame you then so be it, you aren't doing anything wrong & they are the ones with the issues. They might even dis-own you and your hubby, then you are free of them!

Good luck and don't give it.

just to say, (well at our hospitals over here) mw's and nurses are too busy looking after patients to note who wants visitors and who doesnt and often they forget or tey get let in by mistake...


do they already know what hospital your going too??????

if so i would drop in conversation with them sometime soon that you have been moved to "bla bla hospital" because your original one was fully booked around your due date or something to that description or because they have better facilities for people with gd or some crap lol...

then dont tell em when ya go in labour... but still go to your origional hospital...

by the time they figure out that

a)you're in labour
b)your at your original hospital

it will all be too late *cue evil laugh* lol

then after wards say that at the last minute they said to go where you were coz your they forgot records hadn't been transferred over yet or some crap lol then it totally wasn't your fault!!!!


that avoids messing your plans at your current hospital, and then they still dont know where u are...


or alternatively buy a plane ticket to Australia and come to my hospital... they wont find u there hahaha

 

[Hellkitty]

Sounds to me like both of you need to cut them off. My husband did it to his family for 2 years and now they treat him like an adult. Sounds like they are still treating your husband like a child.

I would stand strong together and tell them that if they don't back off you will not let them see your child at all. And also warn them that of they continue trying to manipulate the situation (which sounds like there is a lot of emotional blackmail going on) that you will take out a restraining order.

Tell them straight and in no uncertain terms, because honestly they don't sound like they will be very good influences on your child either.

I had to do a similar thing with my mum recently, because my dad passed away last July and she has been bad mouthing him every time I bring him up. I told her straight that she has to stop doing it otherwise she will not see me child. She has backed off since I said it, but I now have the ability to walk away and not have to deal with her if she acts up again. My husband is in full agreement on the matter.

 

[elle86]

I would happily lie,cheat or steal to have people like that far far away from me during my labor. I have wonderful in-laws I still don't want them standing around looking at my bits in the most special and PRIVATE moment of my life.

I have already told my family and his that there will be no one in the delivery room or waiting room for me.. DH and I will be there and that's enough!

Ive even gone so far as to forbid DH from telling anyone Ive had the baby until I'm ready to share our baby with others. It sounds selfish but its the one time in my life where I will be this way, its my first baby NOT theirs!

Do what you want hun- sounds like either way you can win so you might as well be happy and enjoy your moment!

 

[Amour]

I wouldn't give a flying damn what they thought.

I'm glad that your DH is in agreement with you about the matter, I think he needs to step up and affirm your position as his wife and main priority and that there will no visitors until he and his wife are comfortable, and that if they can not respect you as his wife and your wishes then they can just leave your family alone.

I think the most important thing is for him to make it clear of your position in his life now and that he will not tolerate any form of disrespect in relation to you.