Huge vent, fighting with DH

[Fallacy]

I don't know how I can keep living like this. My husband and I fight whenever we are around each other. It's to the point where I'd rather he stay at work because when he's home, I'm always crying. We haven't been intimate in months (since the baby was conceived, so almost 4 months), and he says it is because he isn't attracted to me anymore. I guess I don't blame him. My hair is short and he hates short hair. Before I got pregnant with Micah, I weighed 110 lbs. Now I'm at 160 and 4 months pregnant with a second baby, one which my husband didn't want. Gender disappointment hasn't made anything easier. We found out baby is a boy and my husband couldn't be more unhappy.

I guess he's under a lot of pressure and I can't imagine ever being in his place. As it is right now, I'm going to college and he's supporting us on a commission based job. His income is always changing and he goes from check to check not knowing whether or not we'll make rent. Our problems started when we moved out of his mother's house, because I was going crazy living there. If anyone remembers, I made posts about it before. Summary: His mother controlled every aspect of how I raise my child, and I wasn't allowed to have a say since it was her house. Her schizophrenic down syndrome son ruled the home since his benefits paid for her home, and he was allowed to sing karaoke (on the microphone) until 2 am each night. He'd randomly shout and scare the baby. So needless to say, I wanted out. Micah wasn't sleeping and neither was I. DH didn't care since he was always at work. He said it himself. I complained that we'd be fine if he didn't buy a new car and up our costs per month by $500. He says we'd be fine if I sucked it up and lived with his mother and brother.

This semester, I'm planning on taking both physiology and microbiology, both very demanding courses. My husband wants me to work full time and drop out of school - something I don't want to do. That's why we've been fighting. He says it isn't fair that he has to pay for everything, and that's true. I don't ask for a thing though. I never spend any of his money for anything. I always ask for his permission to even buy things like toilet paper. I had trouble even asking him to buy me a few things for maternity clothing...

I don't want to drop out of school. While the nursing program is 2 years long, by the end of that, we'd be a lot more financially secure. Not going to school would mean having it easier on us in the short term, but we'd always struggle. Finishing would mean a few hard years for him, but we'd never worry again. I feel like I'm being selfish for asking this though. He dropped out of school to take this job. But I feel like I need to have a degree as a means of supporting MYSELF and my children worst case scenario. I can't support two kids and myself on $8 an hour...

I still love my husband and I know he loves me, but he resents me just as much. He's 21 years old, supporting me and soon, two kids. I sometimes ask him why he doesn't just fly the coop and he says he wonders that himself sometimes. Even if he did, I don't even have a place to go. My mother and sister live in a one bedroom apartment. My father lives with his girlfriend, whom hates his entire family. I don't have any friends or anyone to go to. I feel so unhappy but I wonder if this is all my own fault to begin with. If you read all this and made it this far, thank you. Even if you have no words of advice, it's nice to vent. I can't keep this bottled up any longer. I wanted to enjoy my last pregnancy, not spend it in constant fights about money.

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

. I have been there and felt like your feeling. It sounds like you have both list that connection. When money is tight it can be hard to go out or spend time as a couple. Once you LO is in bed maybe cook a surprise meal? And have a night with just you two, talk through your problems and how you can compromise. Huge hugs and I hope you can work through this x

 

[Laylagirl]

Im sorry youre going through this....none of this is your fault... Hes young, dumb, and immature... You're right to stay in college. Do not drop out. If you can get into the classes, work hard! I am also trying to get into the nursing program..luckily my husband is behind me. You're in California? Where bouts? There are lots of programs you can get into that support mothers trying to go to school. They help with housing and food costs... Just don't give up. He wants you to drop out because he probably doesn't want you to do better than him and you deserve way better than that. Hang in there.... Don't take his crap and stay strong. With or without him, YOU CAN DO IT!!

 

[EmzyJA]

No advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I think you're doing an amazing job carrying on with going to school and agree it'll be worth it in the long run. I hope you can work things out though, sounds really tough for you right now

 

[Brightxeyes]

Yes, it's going to be incredibly hard but I'd say stick with those courses!
My situation was different then, but with my ex he controlled my money so much I ended up not enrolling on a course that would only cost me £160.
I still have not done the course. Because he left me in such a state with money I'm still stuck in my retail job trying to get sorted before I can consider a change in jobs or courses to better myself.

I'm still stuck in that same job two years later, and I don't even have kids yet. So if you can manage it around family life, do it!

And I can understand living with his mother and her son can be overwhelming, and you of course would want your own place. It's healthy to have your own place? Because staying there would only cause more arguments.

He should maybe sacrifice his car for a car that's cheaper if at all possible. Then being able to afford rent should be much easier.

I hope things get better, but you do need a calm mature talk.

An action plan almost about what you guys want to aim for and how you're going to do it. Times get hard but don't let them defeat you.

I've had some challenging relationship arguments and sometimes we both nearly give up. Sometimes the talking doesn't end up being a mature talk it ends up with crying and arguing. But sometimes emotions need to be let out.

Hopefully you can sort things out.

Feel free to vent any frustrations out here though, it does help quite a bit to just let things out.

 

[Fallacy]

I agree - one of the things that has been the hardest is we hardly have 'us' time if you know what I mean. He has those 60 hour weeks, so when he gets home, I'm going to bed since Micah is up by 6 each day. The times I stay up make me feel miserable in the morning, but I sacrifice some sleep every now and then to spend some time. I always make sure to cook an awesome dinner - he says that's one thing he always looks forward to.

My mom suggested that she watch Micah once a week on one of DH's days off. That way we can see a movie or just go out and breathe for a little, just the two of us. Last week didn't work out since my sister insisted we skip our movie and help her move some stuff into our apartment, which kind of stressed things. I know I should have just said no, but I didn't want to cause more fighting between her and my mother.

Like a pp said, I'm afraid that if I get that retail type job, I'll stay there forever. I know a job is a job, and sometimes people are happy in that field, but it's never been something I wanted as a permanent thing. With two babies, I could never imagine going back to school once I'm making some income to help out. Since I have a 4.0 in school right now, I really feel like I have a great chance in getting into my school's nursing program. It's so competitive out here in the valley.

DH and I always have fights like this and end up being okay - it's just so back and forth that it bothers me. I wish it could be like before when we fought less. But life's given us a lot, and we have to push through. I just get so emotional so fast that I end up raising my voice, and he won't have any of that. Blah.

 

[MamaLa]

I know how you feel. My OH is out of town for what was supposed to be 5 days now turning into 2 weeks or more. I'm pissed and lonely. I miss him.We have bills that will be due I am tired of taking care of home by myself. I really feel like he's never coming back. Hasn't even called me to check in. I feel so alone. Anyways enough about me.

But Personally I say stay in school when you graduate and start working he can go back and then you'll guys be on top. My coworker told me that all couples will fight over money. They fought over money while her husband was Starting up his business, but now they are comfortable. It's something that you guys have to Through. It will make the good times even better.

 

[prbetsi75]

Are you receiving food stamps? If you're not, you should definitely apply. Just trying to think of ways to take some pressure off of him to "provide" without you having to drop out of school.

I also think you should stroke his ego every now and then - telling him how much you appreciate all that he's doing for you and your family. And that you know it's hard for him, and that you hope he'll be patient and hang in there because you know that nursing school will benefit you all eventually....and then he can go back to school. etc. Sometimes just feeling appreciated makes all the difference.

 

[Laylagirl]

Are you receiving food stamps? If you're not, you should definitely apply. Just trying to think of ways to take some pressure off of him to "provide" without you having to drop out of school.

I also think you should stroke his ego every now and then - telling him how much you appreciate all that he's doing for you and your family. And that you know it's hard for him, and that you hope he'll be patient and hang in there because you know that nursing school will benefit you all eventually....and then he can go back to school. etc. Sometimes just feeling appreciated makes all the difference.

totally agree with this.... My hubby LOVES when I tell him how much I love and appreciate how much he does for us, and how hard he works...and I always make sure I take care of him at home....like dinner after work, his lunch for work made, his clothes washed, even washing his car....he likes to help out, but I just try to show him that he's appreciated.... It makes him want to do MORE!

 

[Fallacy]

Actually, those are things I already do! He has dinner made each day, and I'll make whatever he wants most days. I already do all the household type things, including doing all the laundry and such. Basically, when he gets home, he doesn't have to worry about a thing since it's already done.

And I always make sure to tell him that he's appreciated, and that once I finish school, he can always go back. I'd support him like he's supported me.

He's just so miserable about our situation that doing all these things goes mostly unnoticed. Or they are the least I can do since he's working type of thing, which I guess is right.

Funny how you mention food stamps! We got it cut a few months ago because they go on a month to month basis. So let's say DH makes 4000 one month, we'll get it cut. That's even if he makes 2000 consistently. So essentially we won't have enough for food next month without food stamps, since that's an additional 400 a month we had covered. I'm going to see someone about getting it reinstated though. Hopefully we can. Our insurance is up next month as well. So much stress.

 

[Selaphyna]

The whole food stamps thing annoys me. And of course it different state to state. I lived on my own with my son, and at $9 an hour/40 hours a week, I made too much for a two person household, 1 income. I barely got by, and eventually had to send my son to live with his dad and move in with my OH. Overall that was the best choice and has been the best thing for my son. But I do hate my state sometimes in regards to that. I now make much more than that, and am going to try to see if I can get public aid just to help offset my insurance, but I'm sure I make too much. I've been told that there have been women who made more than me that got medical card, but I don't know their whole situation as I don't know if they had insurance before hand or not. I do, it's just overwhelming with all these medical bills coming in.

Anyway, I honestly don't have much to input on this, but didn't want to read and run. I hope you don't drop out of school, especially since you are in nursing school. It's so, so hard to start back up after you've been gone, and nursing is can be hard to get into schooling wise.

I wish you the best, and I hope some of the stress lifts.

 

[Laylagirl]

You guys are married right? I know it's tough taking care of a family...and you both are so young. We are in our 30's and it's hard. My husband is the only one working as well. We don't get the government aid, but I know that some families do need it. That being said, your husband signed up for this...and social service takes everything into account. If he makes 4000 one month, and 2,000 another, I know what you are saying about them going off that 4000 a month stubs...but if he has a new car with 500 a month payment, and with rent, they give you what they feel is necessary... With you being in school, the government is stepping up to chip in for you. Meaning, that if you quit school and worked for minimum wage here, they will surly cut any help they are giving you. So he needs to cut his crap about you needing to help bring money in. You're doing the best you can and you have government assistance... And I'm sure your school is paid with bog waiver and financial aid, unless they went off your husbands income...if he makes that much money, he might be able to swing it on the money he makes and the help you receive with food stamps...I think he sounds selfish...if you're doing all that and he's still miserable, maybe there's an underlying issue? Have you had a serious sit down with him? Ask him what he really wants and if this family is what he wants....tell him that families aren't something we can just participate in when we feel like it...and that you understand the financial stress he's under...he sounds really immature...I hope you can get your stamps and insurance figured out. You don't want to be without it when you might really need it...good luck..I hope your husband comes around...especially now with the new baby. It's hard enough being in a marriage even when you're not pregnant.

 

[Laylagirl]

The whole food stamps thing annoys me. And of course it different state to state. I lived on my own with my son, and at $9 an hour/40 hours a week, I made too much for a two person household, 1 income. I barely got by, and eventually had to send my son to live with his dad and move in with my OH. Overall that was the best choice and has been the best thing for my son. But I do hate my state sometimes in regards to that. I now make much more than that, and am going to try to see if I can get public aid just to help offset my insurance, but I'm sure I make too much. I've been told that there have been women who made more than me that got medical card, but I don't know their whole situation as I don't know if they had insurance before hand or not. I do, it's just overwhelming with all these medical bills coming in.

Anyway, I honestly don't have much to input on this, but didn't want to read and run. I hope you don't drop out of school, especially since you are in nursing school. It's so, so hard to start back up after you've been gone, and nursing is can be hard to get into schooling wise.

I wish you the best, and I hope some of the stress lifts.

I hear you on that one! Before I got married, I was making $9.40 and hour and had a crappy PPO insurance...once the money in the trust ran out for my coverage, I had to pay 25% of all costs to have my LO....I applied for the medi-cal which is the government insurance, so they could pay that difference for me..they told me no....so I paid 25% of all costs...$156 here, $65 there...it all varied and there were so many...my hubby (boyfriend at the time) paid some of it and the cost for JUST the birth was almost $1300....that was my portion of it...I guess the actual cost was over $5000, but my 25% was close to $1300....needless to say, I do get a little bitter when I see other people getting it when I was struggling with two kids already on my wage and paying my own bills..but always got denied...my sister in law got free medical and $200 cash...she works at a restraunt and lives with my mother in law....yet she gets help....sometimes I think people cheat the system...don't know, but I totally know where you're coming from...I'm married now and have a great health plan over here...Kaiser Permante...and even though I never received it, in the end, I made it and our family is doing well on our own...but sometimes people really do need it...and the ones who abuse it are the ones who get it...not all but some..