Hugs - do you prompt and demand them?

[MoonLove]

Just curious what everyone thinks of this?

My daughter (3.5yo) asks for and gets a 'kiss and big hug' from me when she's dropped off at nursery and at bedtime. She, sometimes begrudgingly, gives her daddy and kiss and big hug before she goes up to bed, as part of her routine. (I say begrudgingly because somedays she says 'no' when he prompts it, but she does it anyway).

When she was younger we'd tell her to 'give ______ a hug' as family members arrived and left, but she'd often be overwhelmed and would panic and cry. Her grandparents now live close and we see them very often. My husband hugs them to say goodbye (they're his parents) but I don't ask LO to hug them. Sometimes they'll ask for one and she shouts 'NO' and they kind of react like 'oh okay then!'. (She's always rude to them, but that's a totally different story).

When I was a kid, my Nan always used to hug me to say goodbye and then she'd always always prompt me to hug my step grandad - and I hated it!! I loved my step grandad, he'd been in my life since I was born, but hugging him to me just felt forced and awkward! This prompting went on until I was 18 when he died.

I remember how awkward forced hugs felt, and I don't care to demand LO hugs people. She often runs into my dads arms and she is really affectionate with her aunt and uncle, and that's lovely to see! She understands hugs, and she'll give them when she wants to, and it drives me a little bonkers to hear her shout NO at her grandparents every single time.

Just curious what you do about hugs, do you always ask or demand? I remember when 'are you gonna give grandma a hug?' used to result in panicked tears and it kinda felt as though she was obliged to have to hug people, even when she was too young to understand why they needed one!

 

[aimee-lou]

We tend to go for a more relaxed approach with people they're not 100% familiar with. We taught the boys to give high-5s lol. They do little fist bumps too which are awfully cute. If they're not comfortable giving someone a hug we'll often ask for 5s and bumps and that's a nice bit of contact without being too intrusive. Maybe get her to blow a kiss in their direction or something like that if she's not ok with a cuddle?

 

[Bex84]

I never force my lo's. I want both my lo's to grow up knowing that they can set boundaries and people respect their personal space. When I drop my eldest at lo she gives me a kiss and hug and same her brother and she regularly asks for hugs off myself and her daddy. I never force with grand parents. My mil is awful at respecting the children's personal boundaries any way. My little boy refuses to be held by her, he literally screams within first minute as she gets in their faces and wants them both to hug her friends who we don't know as well and calling them aunts and uncles. I don't come from a touchy feely family, I cuddle and kiss my children and husband all the time but I feel awkuid with other people so I won't force them

 

[AP]

We do high 5's too

 

[Bex84]

My little girl will blow a kiss and wave or high 5 as well

 

[alibaba24]

no i don't force it. I dont want them thinking they have to hug people they dont want to just because other people want them to do it. I am not from a family of huggers anyway so it seems strange to when I see non immediate family being huggy my daughter and I always hug and kiss but if she doesnt want to then It wouldnt bother me. x

 

[OmarsMum]

I don't force it. My brothers and parents ask him for hugs & kisses and the bribe him to get them

My parents weren't so affectionate when we were little, but Omar & I hug & kiss almost all day he is very cuddly and he comes to me during the day for random cuddles & kisses. We cuddle & kiss when I drop him and pick him up from school.

With strangers & friends he is a bit shy, and he gives them his cheek when they ask him for a kiss

 

[emyandpotato]

If I want/need a cuddle I ask him. So does OH. But usually they're totally unprompted and he gives them out readily quite often. With other family and visitors I would never tell him to give them a hug or kiss, though I sometimes suggest it would be nice, if, for example, it's a special day or they're unhappy.

 

[Natasha2605]

I don't force it, not at all. If we're leaving I'll tell them to say bye and usually they offer a hug depending on the person they are leaving.

My girls are very cuddly, they love to cuddle up to watch a film or read. I'd never force them though!

 

[RachA]

Yes I will at times. Have often promoted mine to hug and kiss my parents goodbye. They get on with really well and I think it's only right that after spending time with my parents, eating their food, using their internet that my children should show their appreciation and I think a kiss or hug is a nice way. After prompting for a while they now do it willingly without prompting.
If they really don't want to hug/kiss then I don't force them to do it.
If it was someone that they didn't know I wouldn't force them either.

 

[lau86]

I hate forced hugs myself so I never expect my children to hug if they don't want to. That goes for me too, I ask my eldest for a hug sometimes and make it clear I would like one but if he doesn't agree I don't demand it. For a relative I think they sort of need to get over it if he doesn't want to hug them. Those who he's close to he doesn't mind a quick one so it's not an issue really.

Eta as they grow up things might change but I remember having to hug old stuffy relatives as a kid and hating it

 

[Lara310809]

We don't force our children to hug people if they don't feel comfortable doing so. I ask them to say hello and goodbye and thank you, but not physical contact. It's their body and if they aren't comfortable with it then I want them to know that I respect that.

I actually don't really care if an adult is offended or upset if they don't get a hug or a kiss from my child. They are are adults and they know that it's nothing personal. My child is more important than their feelings.

The tough thing is that my family are all 2000 miles away so my kids aren't as used to them as they are to my in-laws. However when my family visit they stay for a few days, and it might take a day for my kids to warm to them but after that they enjoy hugs and kisses from them. So as long as my family are okay with waiting until my children feel more comfortable, it works well

At home our kids will hug and kiss us when they want to, but we also ask for hugs and kisses when we want them. It works both ways, but again I respect it if they don't want to hug or kiss me.

We have a hug and a kiss at bedtime though, and they are usually eager for that. They insist that they can't sleep unless they get a hug and a kiss

 

[MoonLove]

We don't force our children to hug people if they don't feel comfortable doing so. I ask them to say hello and goodbye and thank you, but not physical contact. It's their body and if they aren't comfortable with it then I want them to know that I respect that.

This describes how i feel about it exactly

 

[EllaC]

I don't force my son to give hugs. He is quite wary of strangers and family members who he doesn't speak to often and doesn't tend to want to hug them. They understand and I'm certainly not going to make him hug them. We do High 5's too, he doesn't mind doing them.

He's very affectionate with me, he's always asking for hugs. I do ask sometimes for hugs & kisses and he is always willing to comply! If he wasn't then I wouldn't force him. I remember my Mom doing that to me and I hated it - sometimes you just don't want to. She made me hug people too and I wasn't comfortable with it so I don't want my son to have to feel uncomfortable either.

 

[Lauraxamy]

I don't force it. I'll always tell them to say bye to people but I won't ever get them to hug or kiss them - if it's someone they want to hug or kiss then they most likely will without me having to tell them.