Hurt and a bit offended by in-laws reaction

[maisie78]

Just to give a bit of background, we found out when our dd was 3 months old that she was born with an ultra rare genetic condition that despite her consultant's best efforts made her blind at 7 months. OH and I had genetic testing and neither of us are carriers if this disorder, it was a spontaneous mutation and we have been told we have a less than 0.1% chance of happening again.

We always wanted 2 children and wanted them very close together but obviously with everything that has happened this got delayed a bit whilst we came to terms with our daughter's disability and ensured she had all the care and therapies she needs in place.

So we have just found out we are expecting #2 which was a bit of a surprise but a welcome one. Saying that we obviously do have our anxieties about it as you can imagine. So I told my mum and dad pretty much straight away and whilst also surprised they were very pleased and congratulated us and my mum has called a few times since just to see how we are doing. I left it up to OH whether or not he would tell his parents which he decided to a few days ago. I wasn't there at the time but he came home so disappointed. Apparently they had asked if it was planned and then just didn't mention it again. He tried to raise it in conversation a few times but they just kept changing the subject apparently. Then today I was there as they had dd for a couple of hours and tried to bring the new baby up in conversation a few times but again it was brushed over like I hadn't said anything. No congratulations, nothing

Whilst I can understand they might be anxious I just get the feeling they are really disappointed. It feels like we have done something wrong. We have explained to them many times that there is a minute chance if it happening again but I don't know now if they have been listening. I know his Dad can have a bit of a weird thing about faulty genes being brought in to his family so is it that he thinks I have already given him one faulty grandchild and now I'll probably give him another? Or is it that they think Gabriella will somehow be replaced or neglected because we are having another? I honestly don't get the attitude I genuinely do not think it is just a case of being a bit worried about the health if the baby because I can't see why that would stop them speaking to us about it and pretending it isn't happening.

The problem is we live on the same street as them so it's not as if we can just keep out of their way for a while. Sorry for the long story but I am feeling quite upset and really quite offended by them right now

 

[PrincessMommy]

Really sorry to hear that I'm not sure how that feels, but I can't even imagine. I would personally let them wallow in whatever is making them so bitter. Eventually, I would hope they would come around. I'm sure once they see you all together with new baby, they will drop all the silliness

 

[messica]

Are you sure it's because of your daughters condition and not just because you are still super early?

I know a lot of people won't let themselves get excited until a pregnancy is further along (I am one of them, whether it's me pregnant or someone I know I just can't get attached to the idea that early on). Perhaps it's just a matter of them seeing that this baby will stick and long term before they will allow themselves to dive in with their whole hearts.


I understand why you would be upset, but if that's the reasoning I sort of understand their side too.


If you are close enough with them maybe sit down and ask them why they seem less than excited. If it is an issue with concerns of health you can use the opportunity to clarify the almost non existent odds of it happening again.

 

[_jellybean_]

I'd ask dh to talk to them about it, and if you're really close to them too, I'd talk to them and ask them why they're acting this way. Maybe it is b/c you're early?

 

[maisie78]

I had considered it could be because it's early but they weren't like this with dd and we told them at about the same point. They really aren't the sort of people you can sit and ask them about how they are acting without them taking it as us having a go and getting all offended. Think I will just leave it with them. I just feel let down

 

[PrincessMommy]

They will come around!!

 

[Rickles]

Congrats on your baby - I remember you from when my DD was born in 2012.

Maybe they are just concerned about how you will cope or disbelieve the statistics of it happening again... or just worried generally.

Try not to let it get to you, I think they'll open up to you as your pregnancy progresses and the truth will come out xx

 

[Mrs Dragonfly]

I'm so sorry about their disappointing reaction. Let them be in whatever thoughts they're having and be happy with you, DH and dd about expecting #2. I'm sure they'll come around, maybe they're just trying to process and aren't sure what to think at this point.

 

[emmi26]

Your little one is beautiful loving the sunnys my little man has autism hypermobility hypotonia and global development delay he's 3 he had every genetic test all negative so chances of this baby having it are teeny tiny. But I understand how you feel having a child with extra needs doesn't make them any less perfect please don't let your I laws make you feel like that. Give them a couple of weeks to get used to it if they are still the same then maybe you and your husband need to have a word together explain the chances and how their behaviour is making you feel explain that you are upset by their attitude so far not in an argument sort of way jus a conversation you need to sort this if anything to put your own mind at rest cause let's face it you don't need the worry

Congratulations on your beautiful girl and your new pregnancy

Emma

 

[Mild Mango]

Sorry to hear that. It must be hard for you. Out of curiosity, does your husband have an idea why his parents are acting like this? He knows them better than you and may have some insight.

I think either you or your husband should talk to them. It would probably be best coming from your husband, since they're his parents. Just ask them why they don't seem as enthusiastic about this grandchild. Don't say it with anger or they may become defensive. Say it with concern, respect, and curiosity. They may open up and express their concerns.

Sometimes it helps to address issues head-on with respect and concern instead of letting it simmer. If that doesn't work, just give them some time. I'm sure once they see their new grandchild they will forget every worry they ever had!

 

[fizzypop]

Woah. I am sp sorry your in laws are being this way.. that's so sad. I'd be tempted to not mention the baby ever again and not show them scan pics or anything!!! But then I'm bitter lol.

As for the bringing faulty genes into the family thing... well... I'm speechless!!

 

[_jellybean_]

Aw. That's so sad hon. I'm sorry you're having a hard time Shame that you can't talk to them.

 

[SteffieLee]

I know how you feel. This is our 3rd baby and it was a complete surprise. We told my parents first, they were ecstatic and joked that there was room for another in our SUV. My in-laws on the other hand, just had a blank look on their face. The first thing MIL asked was if it was planned. The second thing that came out of her mouth was "but ya'll are stopping at 3, right?". Personally, I was not hurt but I was MAD. I could have lit into her with all kinds of hormonal craziness but the fact is, I don't care what she thinks, its not her baby. Babies are blessings and it doesn't matter how many you have as long as you love them and share your attention with them.

 

[StranjeGirl]

Ugh this is so upsetting!! Your daughter will love having a sibling and although she will experience life a little differently than we have, she will enjoy it just as much as anyone else. So even if they are worried it might happen again it still doesn't make sense. So what if it happened again? You would handle it just like you did the first time and you would have perfectly happy and loved children. So sorry you are going through this. Children are a blessing and a huge congrats to you for your soon to be new addition!

 

[RainbowBaby13]

 

[Blondish_keg]

I hope you are feeling a bit better about the situation today?

Who can geuss whats going through another persons head really? Time will lessen their worry, but I bet they will join in on the fun wagon soon

 

[RaspberryK]

Aww sorry that you've had this reaction, my dad was a bit like that when I announced the last one. Xx

 

[steph.]

I would be very upset too. I would talk to them, so what if they get offended? Maybe say something just to one of them " MIL, me and OH have noticed that you and FIL have been avoiding talking about the new baby. Is there any particular reason for that?" It would be good to clear the air, I don't see how they would get offended. I think it's better to be direct in these situations a obviously it's making you upset and maybe they have concerns which could be addressed and they could start getting excited.

Sorry about the ramble. Hope it makes sense and hope you sort out the situation!

 

[maisie78]

Thanks ladies

Oh had a chat with his Dad this morning about it and feels a bit better. Apparently his Dad is actually really pleased but was I guess taking his lead from MIL which is why he didn't say anything. Oh asked if he knew why she was acting that way and even FIL is at a bit of a loss. She has had a lot of stress just recently and we have noticed that she has been turning this in to worrying constantly about Gabriella. She has always been quite over the top with her anyway to the point where I have had to remind her that I am her Mum before now. But we have noticed she has been getting even worse recently. For example, when we dropped Gabriella off yesterday she was wearing leggings, top, jacket and shoes but a I didn't put socks on because it wasn't cold and she always takes them straight off anyway. Apparently when we left MIL kept going on and on about her not having socks on like it was mid winter and we were the worst parents ever.

Soooo after a rather long explanation basically we all think she is concerned that Gabriella will be left out or neglected in some way because we will have another baby to look after. Absolutely no basis for thinking this as she is very well cared for and happy but that's her issue I guess. If I thought too much about it I could be incredibly offended that she could even think I might neglect my child but I have decided to rise above it and hope she will come round soon

 

[StranjeGirl]

Really glad you got some answers! Maybe she is just a bit overly protective of your dd.