Hurt and confused

[collie_crazy]

Yesterday I was busy running around doing errands all day and visiting my mum who is in hospital. We were having people over in the evening for a few drinks and a takeaway so OH was tidying the place up. We ended up not having people over and went out to town to meet them instead - when I got home I came straight to bed and when I got up this morning I went straight out. I have not long got home and went into the lounge / living room to sit down with a cuppa - I glanced over to look at Emilys sunset photo and it wasnt there!

I was a bit confused and thought maybe the cats had knocked it off the table or something but it was nowhere! So I texted OH asking if he knew where it was / what happened to it. He just replied saying 'I put it in the kitchen drawer last night, I thought it might upset people when they came tonight and wanted to avoid any awkward moments when they seen it'

I burst into tears. Its like he is trying to hide a dirty little secret! Putting a photo away wont change the fact that we have lost a daughter! Our baby! What was he thinking!? Its only a photo of her name in the sand so not as though its upsetting to look at etc. Am I being irrational?

I havent replied to him because I feel like screaming at him!

 

[Babydance]

oh hun im so sorry! I cant fully comment cos i havent walked in your shoes but i feel id be very hurt too by it, i can understand his thinking but at the same time i would feel so hurt by his reaction. Talk it through with him, he wont have meant to upset you or hide his wee girl..just as he said avoid people questioning things and possibly upsetting you? xxxx

 

[Hevalouaddict]

i would put it up and display it proudly, you are a mum, you carried your precious angel in your womb and if anyone want to ask questions you can answer them however you like, tell your oh your upset and the picture is helping you grieve the loss of your beautiful angel. my oh was the same when i lost my twins and it took him a while to open up to me about the loss maybe he's struggling to grieve. hope you can talk through with him and he'll hopefully understand x

 

[SarahJane]

Get it back out of the drawer and put it where it came from babe. If someone is upset by your baby they shouldn't be in your house! Just my opinion but if they care about you they would expect the pic to be there.

I am so sorry you are sad.Hugs hun

I would kick paul's ass if he even considered moving my pic from the living room (mine is a pic of Evelyn). I think you need to tell DH quite how much he has upset you. If you don't he won't realise what an idiot he has been xxx

 

[daopdesign]

seriously, that would piss me off!

 

[Hellylou]

Aw poor you, I can see how that will have hurt.

I think our situation is a very difficult one for everyone involved, though. We have our partners, who are grieving, but they know they will never feel what we feel, having carried our babies as part of us, then lost them as we did. They are the closest to it, yet still it isn't the same for them, so they tiptoe around us, unsure how to act.

And then you have people even further from it, friends, who understand even less. It is so hard to know how people will feel or what they will say, and I can understand the need to keep things lighthearted and upbeat because no one wants to see you cry, or worse, feel they have caused you to. It becomes the unmentionable thing that no one dares to mention for fear of causing hurt and upset and grief. It's human nature.

Your OH did the wrong thing, but I think his intentions were harmless. Men just want the balance kept, and harmony in place. For us, it isn't like that, and can never be like that. We don't want our loss ignored and swept under the carpet for fear of hurting us, or creating a unpleasant atmosphere. We want to talk about it, to acknowledge it. I think the grief of others is a very tough thing to manage for most people. We don't know what the best thing to say or do is, so we stay silent, and that can upset far more.

I hope that makes sense. I just think we are going to have to get used to other people getting it wrong a lot of the time!

 

[ms.hope]

I would have also been upset---my partner didnt correct someone when they said I was pregnant the other day(I was not present) and I was pissed with him to the 10th power! it made me feel like an shame to him that he had to lie...

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry, Amanda. I would be hurt also and very disappointed I need to say something though, I really don't think he meant any harm I don't think he realized how much it would hurt you.He may have thought it would bring up questions and that those questions would hurt you to answer so that is why he put it away . Men just do not understand sometimes even when they talk they say things and then we as women will look at them like and they still are like WHAT, what did I say They really don't know and I think that is the case with your husband . Please, I am no means trying to defend him or what he did, but I don't think he meant to hurt you and , infact I think he meant to protect you in his way I hope you are not mad at me, it is just what i think. I know my husband sometimes trys to be so sweet andf thoughtful and does the opposite, men (Some not all) just don't realize. I am so sorry you got hurt, my heart breaks for you xoxoxoxo

 

[SarahJane]

Just mentioned this thread to my DH and he says your OH probably did it to either protect you or himself incase someone said the wrong thing and upset you.

I agree with Andy that this could be just a man thing so maybe I was a bit harsh on him with my post yesterday xxx

Hope you are ok and managed to sort things out ((Hugs))

 

[babesx3]

I agree with Sarah jane
I have my babies ashes in a box on a shelf in our lounge with a guardian angel willow tree ornaments around it... noone ever comments about it.. i actually don;t tthink they notice it.. but it makes me feel happy my angel is here in our family home home where i want him.. if it bothers visitors they need not come.... actually i just don't point it out and as i said i don't think anyone has noticed it..

 

[kam78]

Oh Dear... That breaks my heart

I am so sorry that happened.. I know your OH didn't mean to hurt you or upset you, I do know men are so very different and they deal with this situation soooo differently (in my opinion, they are awful, well mine is).. I would explain how hurtful that was for sure and I'd definately have that photo back out super fast!