Hurtful comments

[NikiJJones]

I'm finding the "it wasn't meant to be" one really hard. My husband and family have nearly all said it, and it makes me really angry. As far as I'm concerned it was meant to be. I was desperate for a child for 3 years since my body clock kicked in big style. How can anyone say it wasn't meant to be? My husband keeps telling me "It's nature's way of telling us it's not the right time". This one hurts too. I don't think there's anything anyone can say really that is right. A hug is the best thing, altough it makes me cry.
I'm dreading what kind of things I'll get when I'm back at work too, especially from the primary school kiddies I teach, who won't know what's happened, and will incessantly ask me where I've been etc and what was wrong. I'm dreading crying in lessons, but I'm sure it's not appropriate to tell 6 and 7 year olds what has happened.

 

[Faerie]

I've also been subject to the "are you all better now?" question from a colleague, to which I replied "I didn't have a cold, I lost a baby, so no I'm not all better".

I know people are well meaning, but especially when you've been trying so hard to have a baby nothing anyone says is going to make you feel better. I think a hug from a good friend and a "I'm here for you" is the most anyone can do. I think colleagues should just let you know that if you need a break you can take it, my colleagues were very much "well I just hope you won't be taking any more time off now". *******s.

Perhaps none of my babies were meant to be, I've since found out I had a condition that probably meant that each and every one of them had no chance as my body poisoned them. Having had surgery last month I now hope my body won't reject anymore, but even if they weren't meant to be, they were still my babies and very much wanted.

 

[maccy]

I'm finding the "it wasn't meant to be" one really hard. My husband and family have nearly all said it, and it makes me really angry. As far as I'm concerned it was meant to be. I was desperate for a child for 3 years since my body clock kicked in big style. How can anyone say it wasn't meant to be? My husband keeps telling me "It's nature's way of telling us it's not the right time". This one hurts too. I don't think there's anything anyone can say really that is right. A hug is the best thing, altough it makes me cry.
I'm dreading what kind of things I'll get when I'm back at work too, especially from the primary school kiddies I teach, who won't know what's happened, and will incessantly ask me where I've been etc and what was wrong. I'm dreading crying in lessons, but I'm sure it's not appropriate to tell 6 and 7 year olds what has happened.

I'm also a Primary School teacher, just tell them that you had an upset tummy, that seems to work, I know i's not the truth but I did have some pains for a while after, the nurses said that your cervix will contract back so they are like after pains so if you do happen to hold your tummy they'll be none the wiser.

 

[flump1]

someone just said to me 'at least you can plan things better next time!!' like she thinks it was a good thing to happen.

No my baby was not planned but it was deffinately loved very much! just because it wasnt planned does not make it any easier.

 

[NikiJJones]

Thanks Maccy,
I'll use that one. I think the headteacher may want to tell the parents anyway if I'm off for a week. They seem to do this at my school for prolonged absence. To be honest, I'm happy for her to tell parents. They have been driving me insane asking me for years when I am going to start a family, so this would shut them up. Then it will be up to parents to tell their children if they see fit.
In class the "upset tummy" sounds like the best bet.
Niki xxxx

 

[anita665]

My OH was the only one who knew I was pregnant when I miscarried, so I never had any comments from others, but the "wasn't meant to be" and "for the best" comments were things I told myself to help me get through it. My cousin found out her baby was anencephalic at her 16 week scan and had to make the decision to terminate. I tried to keep that in mind and be grateful that if the baby had to die, it died early and I had no part in the decision. I don't know how I would have felt if others had said that to me though.

My baby's due date would have been today

I was the same. I actually found comfort it knowing that my body was doing the right thing because it would have had something wrong with it and wasn't meant to be. At the same time I can understand why some people would be hurt by those kind of comments because everyone looks at it differently.

During my last pregnancy there was doubt over the health of my son and it got me thinking how hard it must be to face the decision to terminate. It made me feel angry that possibly my body wasn't doing what it should and that in my oppinion at least what I could have faced would have been far more painful than a miscarriage. In the end luckily he was just fine but having seen both sides I look at the whole experience very differently now.

 

[NikiJJones]

I've just had such a hurtful one. This from my husband's friend, passed onto me by my husband: "Your body just needed a practice run. It didn't get it quite right this time, just like some people don't pass their driving test first time, and you just need to have another go and maybe you'll get it right next time." Maybe It's late at night and I'm being oversenstitive, but I just sobbed about this one. It made me feel about an inch high. Like a real failure.

 

[charveyron]

I was told that I had a bad seed! NICE!

 

[leeanne]

Aww, those comments are awful! to all of you!

Guess the worst comment yet now looking back I have to laugh was when I miscarried with my first pregnancy.

We just had confirmation from the doctor that I was pregnant and very early the next morning I awoke and had bad cramps and bleeding. Obviously a miscarriage.

About an hour later I went in and told my OH. He put his arm around me and then said "Do you want to have sex?" WTF!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyhow, he didn't really realize the situation because afterwards I was very emotional, he was not understanding and ignorant, and he went upstairs (his mom lived upstairs) to complain to her. She was down in a shot, giving me hugs, a hot water bottle, etc. That was when reality hit for him but yet it was still no biggie to him.

He's really grown up since!

 

[cheeselover]

Hey NickiJJones, I am a teacher of 6 and 7 year old too and think maccy is spot on with saying you had an 'upset tummy' for that age group. I had a week off and a few parents were told (the ones that I see everyday). It saved alot of 'are you better now' and 'what was wrong' questions. I had a few mums come and give me a hug at the end of the day which was nice. I was in tears for most of the first morning but in our job it is fortunate that there are so many distractions that it makes it a bit easier. I just didnt have any time to dwell once I got into the swing of it. The person who covered my class however thought it beneath them to mark any work for the whole week!!! Grrrrr!! It took me another week to catch up on that!

 

[NikiJJones]

Hi Cheese Lover,
Yes: I'm dreading the marking too. Cover teachers at our school never mark work. Think I'll just be putting a lot of big ticks and "well dones".
You are right though, that once I manage to get back I'll be so busy that I won't have time to cry. At the moment I feel sort of angry that my half term holiday has been completely ruined by this. I need some time off, even if it is just to make up for losing what should have been a lovely week off!!
Niki xxxx

 

[cheeselover]

She (the supply teacher) was doing work on her Masters...I know because I found some of saved on my hard drive in the classroom!

 

[butterflies]

One of the things I am finding hard about my miscarriages are the hurtful comments I hear. Some are of course, not intended to be hurtful, and are simply made by those truly concerned, but are still hurtful...all the same. Some, I have no idea what the person is thinking as the words are coming out of their mouths. If anyone wants to share theirs...I think it would help.

Here is some of the worst I have heard:

"I never felt sorry for you when you m/c'd because you already have 2 kids"

"It's for the best"

and the most well-inteded, but hurtful:

"It wasn't meant to be".

Also, I have a special needs child, so I get, "Are you sure you really want more?" That is devestating to me, because I wouldn't change a thing about Makena, and I could have a MILLION of her...but, people assume since she isn't so-called "perfect" she isn't desired...or I have regrets??? WTF, is all I have to say to that.

There, that felt better...to get it out.
Thanks

your post brought tears to my eyes, how can people be so hurtful???
It breaks me to think that people can say this without thinking, its a part of you that can never be replaced and to have such dis respect for someones feelings makes my bloody boil.
WE all say how hurtful school kids can be, but in reality adults can be just as bad!!!!
big big for you xx

 

[porkpie1981]

I had a blighted ovum, a few people have said ...

'Well, it was never there anyway'
That really hurts cause I was 11 weeks b4 I miscarried!!!Or when I tell them i lost the baby, they say

'There was no baby to loose'*



Probably one of the nicest thing someone (my dad) when I was upset was...

'It's your body, no-one, nobody can know what your going through and how you feel about it, is the right way, don't listen or worry about what anyone else thinks what you think is what matters.'

im with u

People think that u where never pregnant or tested wrong when they hear that there was no baby

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

[mrscookie]

I read one that went like this

''it wasnt even a proper baby yet anyway''


WOAH do not even go there.....

 

[GemGems]

I had a blighted ovum, a few people have said ...

'Well, it was never there anyway'
That really hurts cause I was 11 weeks b4 I miscarried!!!Or when I tell them i lost the baby, they say

'There was no baby to loose'*


I had the same said to me when i had a blighted ovum. Its not the point that "there was no baby there anyway". How were we supposed to know there was no baby there??? For 11 weeks we were totally in love and happy with our little creation. Every loss is devastating but to find out there was nothing there in the first place is just totally.............confusing??!! I cant think of any other way to describe it.

 

[buffycat]

i am so shocked by some of the comment that people have received......i only got two (both from close family) but they were nothing compared to some of these!

the only words that really worked for me are "here's a hug, if you need me, then i'm here".

ps sorry i've not been about for the last few days....hope you are all keeping well......

luv & hugs

 

[Christine33]

a girl in my office had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and I remember when she returned to work everyone was very uncomfortable around her but at the same time they all seemed obliged to talk to her about it. So she came back to work and the entire first morning back was spent with people going up to with comments (a few of which I have read on this post) and just going on and on about it. I could tell she didn't want to talk about it and was uncomfortable. I never mentioned the miscarriage to her. I just asked how she was and to ask if I could help her out in any way. A few days later she talked about the miscarriage to me. I just listened to her the best I could. I struggle in these situations too because I have never lost a baby before but I can have empathy for the pain she is going through.

Christine
X

 

[trishawootton]

i was 12 weeks when i lost my first baby and there was a couple of comments that made me sad

'' it wasnt meant to be'' (as a few others have mentioned)
'' at least it was now n not in a few weeks when u would of had to deliver it'' (this comment i found the worst to deal with
''there was somethin wrong with it and you body reconised it and got rid''(another 1 of my worst i felt like screamin at them)
and sum1 said ''it might have been a girl/boy and you might not been able to carry them for longer than 12 weeks'' this makes me sad even now to think i have a son or a daughter who never met and didnt even no what sex it was

i no ppl try to help but i still upsets me now (5 months on) when they say things like that to me

 

[todteach]

How about "oh well it was only your first try".

I was 12 weeks pregnant for crying out loud. It was like my pregnancy wasn't even validated, because I had a missed miscarriage. I had been wearing maternity clothes since I was 6 or 7 weeks. I was very pregnant, morning sickness, migraines, etc....

This "friend" made me feel terrible. She told me had she known earlier she would have been right over.....with her new baby? no thanks.