Hurting so bad right now

[JASMAK]

Today, I decided to name my lost babies. I really wanted Rob to help me, but, he seemed not very interested, but at the same time, OK that I did. So I did:
Kai (2007)
Ava (2007)
Brett & Claire (twins: Oct 2008 )

I told him tonight that I named the babies. He didn't ask the names. So, I said, "don't you even want to know their names?" He was like, "Tina, those things meant nothing to me." "I had no connection at all."

I can't tell you what a stab in the heart that was. "Those things". Could that be anymore cruel. OK, so maybe this is the bitter hard truth, but, why would he say that to me??? THese we my babies...our babies. I thought of them as my kids...I imagined them. To him, they are "things". The sad part is...I thought he cared, I thought he was hurting. It's all just an act.

But, I got over it. I did. But, then he started picking on me. I said I would vacuum while he bathed the kids. He said, "aren't you bathing the kids, I did it yesterday?" I said no. He then said, "why don't you just say you don't want to?" I said, "I said no, doesn't that mean the same thing." Then he was doing this weird smiling and argueing with me, saying "do you wanna go?" WTF? I feel so alone right now. Why is he being so cruel. Is he trying to hurt me??? Now he is blaming me. He went for a walk with the kids. I didn't come because I don't even want to see him right now.

 

[dizzy65]

awe im sorry

 

[Waiting2bMommy]

Men have a different way of coping hunnie. Men tend to not bond with babies until they are born and women begin from when they first concieve. I'm sure it hurt just as much to him, but shows it different. So sorry your having a tough time, you picked beautiful names.

 

[cleckner04]

I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug. As if you haven't been through enough. I hope it is just a phase he is going through. One of the stages of grief is anger, so maybe he just now got to that stage and is taking it out on you. I wish I could help but good luck. And I like the names you picked. It helps to remember the baby by a name.

 

[Alexas Mommy]

Sometimes men have a strange way of taking things, and they end up saying hurtful things. Maybe he just doesn't like to think about it, and that is why he said it didn't matter to him.

 

[charliesmom]

Ah well this sounds familiar to me. Every month around PMS time my hubby and I have arguments similiar to this. I think you're just extra sensitive right now and he's just being a male. I don't have any advice, but hope that maybe realizing how emotional you are right now, that maybe it's best not to put yourself in vulnerable situations with your husband. Males are by nature very insensitive. Don't like his insensitivity get you down even more. Your kids need their mom.

 

[Rumpskin]

My OH is exactly the same sweety. Little or no acknowledgement to the babies that I have lost. He went through 4 or 5 previous miscarriages with his ex wife so he has also been through it and I guess he has just learnt to bury his feelings and be very matter of fact. I wish he would be more open with me but I cannot change him. If I talk about the m/c, I get very matter of fact responses. It is just his way of coping.

I would not take offense to his mannerisms. In time, I am sure things will be different. xxxx

 

[misstrouble]

Oh you poor thing. Men just do not understand the feeling of loss like we do. If your hubby is anything like mine, they bury their heads in the sand and pretend things aren't happening that way they don't have to deal with their feelings. I am sure he didn't mean to hurt you so badly. Big big hugs you. x

 

[sam76]

arww men what are they like. Try not to be too hurt i know it must hurt but please try to be positive, were all here for u xxxxxxxx

 

[natthecat]

Can't really think of anything to say that hasn't already been said, or that might help you in anyway, so instead, I though i'd send some

 

[JASMAK]

Thanks everyone for your responses, and cyber hugs. I am still feeling hurt. I guess just because I *thought* he cared, because he always acted like he did. I even gave him a cyber gift on facebook, and said "I know you are hurting too". What did he think when he got that gift??? Did he laugh??? I just feel like he lied to me, even though he never siad words, it is the actions. Well, anyways, he took the kids for a walk last night, and when he got home, he came in and said sorry for "picking on me". That helped, but it doesn't erase it. Like you all said, I shouldn't blame him. So, I am trying not too.

 

[moomoo]

They are lovely names Jaz, i love them. Ava was one of our names too

My OH is the same and doesnt feel emotionally attached either, i think its a mans way of protecting their emotions. Maybe show him your post, let him know how sad he made you feel

Xx Big hugga Xx

 

[honeybunch2k7]

I'm so sorry hun.

He might be hurting but doesn't want to show it.

 

[Drazic<3]

you picked really beautiful names. Im sorry your OH couldnt see the significance behind them. Sometimes i think men are horrible when they are hurting, it certainly doesnt excuse it, but maybe thats what caused the weird behaviour?
Whatever it is, im sorry he is being like that. I hope your feeling a little better

 

[Lazy Leo]

Hey hun, I hope you are managing to put this behind you and work on your relationship. It sounds like you are both have a tough time understanding each others emotions and communicating them. Maybe he finds it easier to cope by accepting that the baby was a 'thing', an mbryo, a zygote, whatever (I don't know when you lost your babies). I understand that my husband was upset and grieved our lost 'opportunity' but to him the baby was still a bunch of cells. And I understand that. But we had a name for our wee one 'Applepip' we called 'her' and when we talk of Applepip it hurts him so much, because then she becomes real, no longer cells or tissue. Maybe he is protecting himself by keeping that distance. I rarely use that name because I know it stabs at him and hurts him all over again.

I don't know how much he 'looked after' you when you were going through these horrendous experiences, but maybe he knows if he has to look after himself he won't be able to look after you, and again the best way to keep himself together is not to acknowledge that the babies were little people.

I'm sorry if I have offended you, or upset you but I honestly hope you guys work things out. I always think that couples who are ttc, need to always remember to work on their relationship - because from what I can tell it nearly always suffers. He has been inredibly tactless and hurtful, I hope you can make him understand that and that you can move on together and support each other.

I

 

[Plumfairy]

 

[wantababybump]