Husband doesn't want to be intimate

[Pulirula]

I have been trying to initiate sex for a few days and he just brushes me off. So tonight I asked him why he hasn't wanted it and he said it's because it's weird to him with my belly. This is our second kid. He never cared the first time. And he knows that he can't hurt the baby. But I'm craving some lovin. I had a sex dream about my elementary school principal! He had always wanted sex and to hear him say he doesn't want to hurts me deeply. I had to go downstairs so he didn't see my cry. I haven't been able to be very active because I've had a lot of ligament pains that keep me sitting a lot. So I know I have put on a few extra pounds.
Also, he is part of AA. He's been happily sober for 3 years but lately he has been so involved with other people in the program. And now there is the new couple that he won't tell me who they are because thethey asked him not to. Honestly I wouldn't care if I knew but I hate he won't tell me who these mystery people that he talks to and runs off to go talk to all time. It's adding secrets to our already stressful time. Because "these people" don't want me to know who they are means I know them so when I see them they will know that I don't know they are spending a lot of time with my husband. I think it's bullshit.
Right now I feel totally betrayed. also like a fat whale who can't get her husband to touch me. I really feel bad.

 

[Symphony7]

I'm sorry hun. This can be such a rough road. My hubby would have sex but I'm the one who finds it weird TBH. It also hurts a bit so we haven't really since about 19 weeks was the last time we tried. I even tried just us fooling around with my toys and it weirded me out because the baby started kicking and I couldn't focus with that feeling. Couple more months!

Definitely I think you should talk to him. Pregnancy can magnify all these bad thoughts and feelings about ourselves, but it's important not to try to hide them from your spouse. He needs to know how uou feel so you guys can come up with a compromise.

 

[becsboo]

its a stressful time for both during pregnancy
talk to him perhaps suggest different ways to be intimate

 

[Pulirula]

It's not just the fact he doesn't want to have sex it's all the secrets on top of it. He's always on his phone talking to someone from AA. He's always told me who he talked to from AA but suddenly these people want to be secret because they are close and I know them. I feel like not only is my husband keeping things but whoever these people are too. Honestly if these people just said, hey we are having some issues and your husband is helping us. I'd be like okay whatever have fun. But I hate secrets! Also it bugs me because my husband is by no means perfect so why do they want his help with being sober??? He works in construction he's not a therapist.
I feel like al this crap is just adding more stress and if he just told me I would just go on with my day but now it just has me wondering who is lying to my face.

 

[becsboo]

could you ask him if he would give you his phone so you can read his messages
if you explain its causing you stress

 

[FTB2017]

I'm so sorry to hear this...as a dad I'm in the opposite situation as my wife has little to no libido and the time we did she orgasmed and ended up with awful sciatica (not sure if connected). We had issues before so my panic is always that she's pulling away, however recently we've enjoyed each other's company a lot. How was everything before the pregnancy? Only reason I ask is because for me, I viewed everything as a slight against me for a long time until we hashed it out. I mean we would talk about it...but it was a fight. I finally learned to talk to her without the emotion of fighting and we both felt alot better (me not feeling shunned and her not feeling pressured). I would certainly talk to your hubby. If it's at all possible, without emotion. Let him know you're hurting and why.

 

[crazylilth1ng]

It's not even the lack of sex that puts up red flags for me here. You are his WIFE and these "AA people" just don't come close to that in importance. Sure he can remain confidential about them but his constant talking to them when you have no idea who they are is bull. They have no right to ask him to keep secrets from you but constantly take up his time. I would be very angry and suspicious. His priority is YOU. You are having his baby and he swans around talking to what could be anyone while you are left wondering and upset. Not good enough. I'm sorry he is being such an idiot.

 

[kittykat7210]

I'm sorry you're going through this, my hubby has been distant for a little while, since ive started to get a proper bump he has avoided intimate situations, I think for the most part that is normal, but the secrecy and these AA people are making me suspicious and I'm not even part of the situation! I think you should respectfully request time with him without phones, and talk about it properly, It's not fair on you!

 

[Pitbullmom29]

I kinda know how you feel. I'm 22 weeks so I've got a nice bump going and my husband never wants to have sex anymore. Last week I broke down crying because I felt he didn't want me anymore but he swears he's jus exhausted from work. He does work a lot and he has a demanding job. However a few weeks ago I caught him talking to two girls who he's had a "past" with and I got really upset. He used to flirt with them so naturally I was hurt because he was talking to them again and he stopped having sex with me. I would definitely talk to your husband about the situation and maybe ask to see his phone. It definitely sounds weird and as a man he should be more sensitive to your feelings. There is no shame in saying you want to spend time with him without phones.

 

[Pulirula]

Well he just saw me changing my shirt and told me I was cute but not sexy and that he's just not in the mood knowing there's a baby in there. I've tried to talk to him but to him I'm just overly emotional. So I'm just done dealing with him. I walked away and left him in bed alone. I'll sleep on the couch where I don't feel like I'm offending anyone just by being in the room. I can't talk to him anymore jus it just makes me feel worse.

 

[FTB2017]

That stinks...it's our 2nd kid and like I said it's opposite for me. But I can say that with #1 I WAS distant...ignored her physically which developed into ignoring her pretty much all together. Really hurt her. Now, I cannot even fathom letting her go 1 minute thinking I'm not there for her in any capacity. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. The secrecy is just flat out over the line. Kudos to you for voicing your opinion. It took me finding out about a brief affair my wife had to wake my ass up and realize how far we had fallen and how bad things were. Hopefully your husband realizes the error in his ways and becomes more open with you. In the meantime try and be as open as you have with him, he should know the ball is in his court.

 

[Pulirula]

I feel like he has become so involved with everything else we don't even connect anymore. I'm afraid if I were given the opportunity to have an affair I wouldn't be able to resist the attention. I really am jus lacking that contact that I used to have with him and he doesn't even seem to know it's missing. I have no idea what to do except just shut myself off and put him in the background. I'm already feeling huge and miserable. I can't keep trying to reach for a man who doesn't care what I'm doing.

 

[becsboo]

 

[KatO79]

Also, he is part of AA. He's been happily sober for 3 years but lately he has been so involved with other people in the program. And now there is the new couple that he won't tell me who they are because thethey asked him not to. Honestly I wouldn't care if I knew but I hate he won't tell me who these mystery people that he talks to and runs off to go talk to all time. It's adding secrets to our already stressful time. Because "these people" don't want me to know who they are means I know them so when I see them they will know that I don't know they are spending a lot of time with my husband. I think it's bullshit.
Right now I feel totally betrayed. also like a fat whale who can't get her husband to touch me. I really feel bad.

Okay I did some reading and if he's sponsoring this couple he's actually not allowed to tell anyone who they are, it's part of the AA confidentiality. So really, it's unfair of you to keep pressuring him to tell you who they are because he can't without getting into a buttload of trouble. Instead you should be happy he's in such a good place with his sobriety that he's able to sponsor these people.

As for the intimacy thing, I think that's pretty normal. During my pregnancy I think the last time DH and I had sex was at around 10 weeks and then it got too weird for both of us. But if you really want sex, maybe see what your DH would be willing to try. Could be he's not into any penetration but there are other things you could try. If he won't listen, maybe try telling him how this is making you feel emotionally.

 

[Pulirula]

He's not sponsoring them. He justhe likes to save everyone so if they call he'll go running. He will leave whatever he is doing with his own family to go talk to anyone that calls him. Hell on our anniversary he left me alone to go drive an hour to talk to a stranger he met online because the guy was sad. From the outside looking in he's s great dad/husband from if people knew how shitty he treated us they wouldn't think he's so great. Idk maybe I'm being hormonal but it's how I feel. I wish he would just take his shit and leave

 

[KatO79]

He's not sponsoring them. He justhe likes to save everyone so if they call he'll go running. He will leave whatever he is doing with his own family to go talk to anyone that calls him. Hell on our anniversary he left me alone to go drive an hour to talk to a stranger he met online because the guy was sad. From the outside looking in he's s great dad/husband from if people knew how shitty he treated us they wouldn't think he's so great. Idk maybe I'm being hormonal but it's how I feel. I wish he would just take his shit and leave

Have you tried talking to him about how it makes you feel when he does that?

Have you suggested couple's therapy? Maybe that would get him to see how much what he's doing is hurtful?

 

[Pulirula]

Talking to him doesn't really help. He just tells me to deal with it. And yes I have tried to get him to go to couples therapy but he says that is a waste of money and it wouldn't help. He had zero understanding of any of my emotional feelings and he doesn't even want to hear about it. I think when he comes home I'm just gonna tell him to go stay somewhere else until I figure out my head.

 

[TTCfirstovr30]

I agree Pulirula, maybe you need to give him a little dose of reality on how he is making you feel and stress that you aren't going to be treated like this, especially during pregnancy.

My DH is also in AA, approaching his 3rd year. And he is very open to me about it. I also attend meetings with him (the open ones) when he speaks and has introduced me to all of his AA friends as well as even an ex-gf he used to date in AA. He takes phone calls but always loops me in and says its this guy or that guy and he was just having a bad day and so on.

I have rarely seen him actually go and meet a one-off person if they are having a bad day because usually what they tell you to do if you feel like you are about to pick up a drink is to go get to a meeting ASAP. Some people go to like 3-4 meetings a day if they are in really bad shape.

Hope this helps and I hope you get some peace of mind soon. xoxo

 

[JAJuly2013]

Also, he is part of AA. He's been happily sober for 3 years but lately he has been so involved with other people in the program. And now there is the new couple that he won't tell me who they are because thethey asked him not to. Honestly I wouldn't care if I knew but I hate he won't tell me who these mystery people that he talks to and runs off to go talk to all time. It's adding secrets to our already stressful time. Because "these people" don't want me to know who they are means I know them so when I see them they will know that I don't know they are spending a lot of time with my husband. I think it's bullshit.
Right now I feel totally betrayed. also like a fat whale who can't get her husband to touch me. I really feel bad.

Okay I did some reading and if he's sponsoring this couple he's actually not allowed to tell anyone who they are, it's part of the AA confidentiality. So really, it's unfair of you to keep pressuring him to tell you who they are because he can't without getting into a buttload of trouble. Instead you should be happy he's in such a good place with his sobriety that he's able to sponsor these people.

As for the intimacy thing, I think that's pretty normal. During my pregnancy I think the last time DH and I had sex was at around 10 weeks and then it got too weird for both of us. But if you really want sex, maybe see what your DH would be willing to try. Could be he's not into any penetration but there are other things you could try. If he won't listen, maybe try telling him how this is making you feel emotionally.

Just wanted to say, even if he was sponsoring a couple and was not allowed to talk about it, he could at least say something to the affect of, "hey, this isn't something I'm allowed to talk about or I would." I don't see why he couldn't tell her he is sponsoring a couple w/out giving any specific details about their identity or situation.

 

[JAJuly2013]

Talking to him doesn't really help. He just tells me to deal with it. And yes I have tried to get him to go to couples therapy but he says that is a waste of money and it wouldn't help. He had zero understanding of any of my emotional feelings and he doesn't even want to hear about it. I think when he comes home I'm just gonna tell him to go stay somewhere else until I figure out my head.

I am sorry you are going through this. Pregnancy can be so difficult for so many reasons! I think you are making the right decision by allowing yourself some space and giving him a wake up call about your relationship. As a previous poster already mentioned, as a married couple, no other person should come before your spouse. I sure hope everything works out for you.