husband not wanting to decorate the nursery

[pcsoph2890]

So the morning was going well yesterday when I said that we'd soon need to think about decorating the potential baby room.

We moved into the house end of March this year and not done anything decorating wise yet.
The room which we have planned is a bright pale blue painted walled room. Wit scuffs, scratches and marks all over the walls.
The carpet will be fine so that can stay.
All I wanted to do was wallpaper one wall and paint the others. Nothing major at all.

But that started an argument. Him saying the room was fine as it was, I said the baby might not be a boy and blue wasn't I thought a good colour and I was thinking of something nutural wise like a nice beige, or really pale yellow.
He said that we are not spending money on decorating.

Is it that wrong I want to decorate a room with a tin of paint at the least for this longed for baby? He critized me saying there is two of us in this relationship. Meaning that my opinions mean nothing what he says goes.

I'm utterly devastated. I went through ivf with little or no support. Every time I get excited about the baby he knocks me down. So now just keeping it all to myself. If I start to feel things then he'll just miss out.


Sorry for ranting but needed to get it off my chest!!!

 

[Ninagrrl]

Wow, I'm sorry you are going through this. I can't really relate, just that my OH doesn't seem too excited about this baby. My pregnancy wasn't planned and we don't have much money so I will have to be creative with the nursery and we are renting so I can't paint...

However, I don't think the issue is paint, just a symptom. I don't know him so maybe I'm wrong but it seems like he doesn't really want this baby. We are about to spend some money to repaint an old dresser for my son as we are giving his to this new baby and it's in need of repair.

I don't think it's a bad thing to want to paint it especially if it is damaged paint to begin with. Maybe you should try to find out why he doesn't want the room painted. I think that in order for a relationship to be honest in a dispute, "because" can't be used as a reason to completely veto a decision. Both of you should be able to give your reasons as to why or why not. A relationship is a partnership and if one or both don't realize that, then the relationship is going to have a hard time progressing in a healthy way and resentment is going to develop.

 

[george83]

I'm so sorry your going through this. I agree with pp that this us probably a defense thing rather than just not wanting to paint. My oh did the same to me while I was pregnant last time and things were awful between us, I practically did everything by myself. I know it's not what you want but I completely decorated my sons nursery alone at 8 months pregnant so if he won't help you don't let it stop you. I think your right your baby does deserve a lovely clean room so pick your colours buy the paint and if it doesn't give him a wake up call just start without him x x

 

[CharCharxxx]

I think you should go ahead and do it while he's out at work or if he's away for a night with friends or something! What's the worst that will happen thats what u gota tell urself Hun! Yeah he might have an argument but it won't last forever! If it is a financial thing then get the paint from somewhere like Wilkinsons as its cheaper than b&q/Homebase..just say a family member or friend helped you out so then he cannot say anything!! If he kicks up that much of a fuss say to him how unfair he's being and that you should not be under such unnecessary stress when your carrying his child! Hope you get it sorted x x

 

[Babyfor2]

I'm really really sorry your having to deal with this. I don't honestly think he thinks painting is that big of a deal. He just sounds scared to me. Doing the nursery is just part of it! It's doing something for you and your baby. Honestly even if I was having a boy I would probably change the paint color anyways just to put my touch on it and feel like I've done something. If money actually is an issue lowes can make any color swatch they have out (wether its valspsar, bear, or any of the other brands) in Olympic which is the cheapest brand they sell! If it was me I would paint it while he's gone and then print him up a bunch of info on why women do nurseries and why it's important. Then one on why husbands should be supportive during pregnancy haha. Maybe part of him knows that he was being unreasonable. Good luck dear!

 

[steph.]

Maybe he's scared of letting himself get excited and something going wrong. Sometimes when you have struggled and wanted something for so long it's hard to believe it's actually happening. Also I think some men just don't get as excited during pregnancy as we do.
Maybe try talking to him and ask him what his real issues are. If you end up decorating this nursery alone it will be something that you may resent him for forever. You should be creating happy memories.

 

[xjesx]

Talk to him to dig deeper. Perhaps he doesnt want to get too excited out of fear OR maybe there is a budget issue he has.

Before going out and spending money, and your time, talk to him about the why he feels this way.

It is a partnership and its not about one's word being stronger over the other but about compromise and decision making together.

 

[pcsoph2890]

I don;t think he is scared, as we have been through IVF together and he was dead excited in the scan room when we saw it.
For some reason he just goes off on one and i just get the brunt of his attitude.

Money isn't an issue at all - afterall how much does a tin of paint cost? Our parents are all dying to buy us the cot and pram etc, so it's not as if we need to save for those.
I'm happy to do it myself no problem, but i want him involved, and help with doing the room, afterall it is our 1st house together (before we lived in my house, which i sold for this deposit for this house) I'm quite capable of doing the decorating myself, wallpaper, paint etc. I would just like him to get excited thats all, and not say there is two people in the relationship, meaning i was just going to do it - hence me saying "we" needed to think about decorating the nursery.
He knows i do the decorating well, as he commented how well i wallpapered the last house when i went on a mission.

I'm sure he'll mellow, worst case scenerio i'll buy it myself, do it myself. One thing i do know is am not keeping the room the colour it is at the moment, it looks tatty, chipped paint , its a cold colour, so the room looks chilly.
Bit of warmth and £30 tin of paint is all it needs... It's not as if it's going to break the bank - and to be honest i'll probably buy all the little things myself anyway - as that's what women do and it makes the room nice and homely!!

Men!!! Honestly i give up sometimes!!

 

[Alexas Mommy]

Ugh, men!

I don't think it's a case of him not wanting the baby, as some of the previous posters have suggested, I think he is just being a man-perhaps he just doesn't want to help, or maybe he is scared of something going wrong?
How many weeks are you? My OH only recently stopped being so reserved about the baby- He lost a baby at 24 weeks 12 years ago so he has been cautious. Like I said he has recently loosened up and has even bought a swing for the baby. Maybe this could be close to the reason your OH is being ridiculous? You two have obviously yearned for this baby very much, maybe he just doesn't feel like the baby is in the safe zone yet?

As for him saying there are two people in the relationship that just opens up another argument, that YES, there are two, and perhaps he needs to allow compromise!!!

Good luck!

 

[hinkybinky]

Some men don't get the nursery decorating thing at all. I suppose they are not natural nesters / home-makers and don't always see that we need to make the room nice, and that the colour of a wall is not especially for the baby's immediate benefit, but so that we feel a sense of nurturing the baby and creating a comfy nest. My OH couldn't understnad why I got DS's room all perfect and ready when he was spending the first few months in our room

Hope you work it out x

 

[Louise88]

I'm really sorry your going through this Hun I'm going through something similar, my whole house needs decorating we moved here 8 months ago and oh just isn't interested he'll quite happily live in a scruffy house I really want the house and the nursery done before baby gets here so I've started decorating myself, done the stairs and landing today and I will be doing the nursery wall this weekend and move on from there, luckily I have my oh's dad helping with painting the ceilings and I should have new carpets down in a couple months.

I don't understand why men just aren't bothered and would quite happily just live the way things are.

 

[pcsoph2890]

Hmmmm I just don't get him at times.

Will let the subject lie for a while then broach it again later. If I get the same reaction then will just plough on myself, sod his opinions (will let him know my feelings about his opinions first though....) can't see anyone really taking his side about not decorating the nursery. Will slowly start getting things ready - not now as only 16w2d gone, want to wait until nearer Xmas time.
It wasn't as if I wanted it doing that day I mentioned it. Sometimes he just flies off the handle and instead of saying what he said in a calm manner which would stop a lot of arguments and put his side of the discussion in an adult way, but he acts the way he does nothing I say or do will be right. If I reply and say something it's wrong, if I don't it's wrong, so either way I know to expect him to go off on one.
Blame it on his ginger genes I reckon!!!

I think he'll come round he usually does but I just have to suffer the silent treatment until he calms down - which suits me fine at the moment I have cried enough yesterday, so got it out of my system now!

Honestly I thought women were supposed to be hard to understand.... men at times are impossible!!!!

 

[sojourn]

I've seen a lot of threads (and had MANY of my own instances with my husband) that all kind of revolve around guys acting squirrely or weird.

I think a lot of it is down to this. The men aren't 100% consumed by pregnancy like we are. My husband put it really well (after having a HUGE fight about something stupid). He said

"If I am working hard at something or thinking about something else it takes my mind off of it. So basically every time I think about it, it's like learning that it's happening all over again. Sometimes I get crazy excited. Sometimes I'm insanely scared. Sometimes I'm afraid that we made a stupid mistake and that we aren't prepared or that I'll be a shitty dad (he has crap parents)".

So, during the IVF the baby was hypothetical/theoretical to you OH. During the first scan it was real, right then, and exciting. When it comes time to spend money, or change lives it might hit him all over again and he has a weird different reaction to it.

Everyone I know that has kids already (which is not me) say that the husband's get way better once you are clearly and obviously showing. Somehow the constant visual cements it. Kind of like we would think the damn picture of a baby inside of you would, right?

I know I am scared, nervous, crazy excited and blissfully happy ALL AT THE SAME TIME! I think that we experience all of these emotions all at one time and the men experience them one at a time, in a series. We all have wild swinging hormonal mood changes and we expect our darling husbands to just deal with it. I think it's hard on them to, just in different ways.

I wouldn't blow him off and make the changes just yet. You would be mad if he just ignored you and did whatever he wanted! Maybe give it a little time, wait for him to bring up something about the baby and calmly say something. Maybe like "I know what you feel about painting the nursery, but I want to talk about it again. It's really important for me and the actual cost is $X. I would appreciate your help with it"

 

[pcsoph2890]

Sojourn, think you summed it up precisely.

Not planning on doing anything yet, want to wait until nearer Xmas time, so the seed has been planted in his head, so only time will tell.......
Water the time I will broach it again, and then he might be more open to it....