Husband says no Mom in delivery room.

[Kutiepatuie]

Hello everyone. I am new to this site but my husband and I recently got into a serious disagreement and I need second opinions.

Back story
My mother and I have not been close until recently. Once I told her about my pregnancy she has been extremely supportive and helpful which has allowed for our relationship to move past previous painful memories. Having a mother back in my life has been wonderful and I am so happy that she is excited about the birth of my first child and her first grandchild.
My mother is also a licensed and trained doula, which is similar to a birthing coach. Since we have been spending a lot of time together I asked her if she would like to be in the delivery room, considering what I wanted a doula anyways. I thought how perfect that I could get that extra support while being able to share it with someone important to me and my baby.

Today I was talking with my husband about writing a birth plan and mentioned that I would like only him and my mother to be present. He got very upset that I wanted my mom to be there and said that he shouldn't have to share this special moment and that he didn't like being made a third wheel. He also didn't like that I asked my mom before I talked with him about it.

I personally feel that labour should really be about what makes me most comfortable and my desires. Am I being selfish for making my labour about my wants, or is he in not understanding the need for the extra support and guidance that my mother would bring.

Help!

 

[Hunbun]

I think this is a difficult one. While I totally agree labour is about you being comfortable and people to support and help you through it, it is also about the birth of his baby also. I can understand why he is upset that you didn't ask him first, but I also think that he should be more understanding of why you want/need your mum present.

Personally I had my mum and DH there when I gave birth and I am very glad I did. I had a long labour and I stayed home for most of it and DH went to bed to sleep. If my mum hadn't been there then I would have been on my own. With this baby however DH has asked that it is just the two of us in the delivery room, which I have agreed to so my mum can look after LO.

Anyway, I think you need to have a serious sit down and explain to your DH why you want your mum to be there. Explain that your scared about the experience and need as much support and help that you can get. Hopefully he will see it from your point of view once you try and see it from his.


Good luck.

 

[Kutiepatuie]

I think this is a difficult one. While I totally agree labour is about you being comfortable and people to support and help you through it, it is also about the birth of his baby also. I can understand why he is upset that you didn't ask him first, but I also think that he should be more understanding of why you want/need your mum present.

Personally I had my mum and DH there when I gave birth and I am very glad I did. I had a long labour and I stayed home for most of it and DH went to bed to sleep. If my mum hadn't been there then I would have been on my own. With this baby however DH has asked that it is just the two of us in the delivery room, which I have agreed to so my mum can look after LO.

Anyway, I think you need to have a serious sit down and explain to your DH why you want your mum to be there. Explain that your scared about the experience and need as much support and help that you can get. Hopefully he will see it from your point of view once you try and see it from his.


Good luck.

Thank you so much for the advice. We definitely need to talk about it, when I'm not so upset. I have always been an emotional and passionate person and the pregnancy has enhanced that ten fold, which makes it hard to listen, especially when I feel like I am not being heard. Hopefully if I approach him with how I think he feels he will be more inclined to understand how I feel

 

[RKW]

I'm in a similar situation in that I would like my mother and husband there, but my husband has said no. Irrespective his wishes so it will be just us two. I think he feels its important that he is the one to support me, and tht it's the start of us being a family, and wants it to be special just for us two. I totally understand that so mum will come visit afterwards.

I can understand your husband thinkin you should have consulted him first, I think the labour should be about both of you, a it is the child you have made together.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[Banshee]

I can definitely see both sides although there was no way in hell I wanted my mum there during birth as she'd have annoyed me I'm sure, I can understand why some women want their mum there for support.
I also watch One Born Every Minute and have seen numerous occasions where the partner has been virtually pushed out of the experience by the mum's presence, including one where it was the mum who got to cut the cord. Your partner is possibly concerned about this happening.

 

[Guppy051708]

Though i can see where he is coming from, YOU are the most important factor and what makes you feel comfortable should override anything he wants. Im sorry if that sounds rude or seflish but i think when a woman has to go through a painful (and sometimes long but not always) journey such as childbirth, YOU get the final say-thats my opinion anyways. You are the one that has to cope through the pain. So i say take into consideration his thoughts and feelings and concerns. and show him that you have done that as to avoid any resentment and to show him that you care about him, but in the end you need to follow your instincts and you need to do what works for you bc YOU are the one that has to go through it. and though i understand he will be there, his journey will be nothing like yours-it wont even touch it.

 

[Kirsty1003]

I agree with above! I understand his feelings, my partner was the same! But the bottom line was I just wanted my mum haha! Having them both there was great, they could both take it in turns to take a break and I wasnt left alone! X

 

[BubsMom17]

No offense to your DH, but he needs to grow up and realize it is not a competition in the delivery room (and your mother needs to know the same, of course).
A man will NEVER know child birth. Only another mother understands that. My husband was WONDERFUL, but I needed my mom there to walk me through transition and to tell me everything was normal and natural and that I was OK. DH was overwhelmed by how much pain I was in (no pain meds at all), but my mom had been there, done that, 4 times. She KNEW what I was going through, and understood my fears and understood the pain.

I know women who did not want their moms in the room, ad that's great if you don't! But if you have a conflict about it, I think your comfort and your fears out weigh his.

This is just my opinion. Having been there, I would not have done it differently and mom and DH did a perfect job for me. NEXT time I might forgo having my mom there since I won't be as scared, but the first I was scared s*itless and needed a mom there to help me through it.

 

[jensha]

IMO, if your husband doesn't want your mom in the room, you should respect him. It's HIS child too. He has a right to be included in the decision. We, women, bear the baby for 9 months, so we already bond this way. Most men don't bond with their child until they see them. The whole pregnancy process is pretty abstract for them. They feel like they have nothing to do. Being an active part in the childbirth is their way of feeling useful. Don't deny him from that feeling. Include him.

 

[BubsMom17]

IMO, if your husband doesn't want your mom in the room, you should respect him. It's HIS child too. He has a right to be included in the decision. We, women, bear the baby for 9 months, so we already bond this way. Most men don't bond with their child until they see them. The whole pregnancy process is pretty abstract for them. They feel like they have nothing to do. Being an active part in the childbirth is their way of feeling useful. Don't deny him from that feeling. Include him.

Your husband can be involved even with mom there. My husband was very involved in the process, cut the chord, was the first to see baby crowning, etc. I'm just saying that I don't think HE has the right to dictate whether or not mom can be in the room since the labor itself is scary and if she feels she wants her mother there for support, he should not pressure her to sacrifice that or make her feel torn in any way about it.

 

[jensha]

IMO, if your husband doesn't want your mom in the room, you should respect him. It's HIS child too. He has a right to be included in the decision. We, women, bear the baby for 9 months, so we already bond this way. Most men don't bond with their child until they see them. The whole pregnancy process is pretty abstract for them. They feel like they have nothing to do. Being an active part in the childbirth is their way of feeling useful. Don't deny him from that feeling. Include him.

Your husband can be involved even with mom there. My husband was very involved in the process, cut the chord, was the first to see baby crowning, etc. I'm just saying that I don't think HE has the right to dictate whether or not mom can be in the room since the labor itself is scary and if she feels she wants her mother there for support, he should not pressure her to sacrifice that or make her feel torn in any way about it.

Yes, the husband can be included even if the mom (or any other doula/birthing coach) is there. However, that's not what I got from her post. The fact that she asked her mom before talking to her husband about it shows that she already made the decision for herself and let him excluded from the process. It might be more a matter of communication in this case rather than "mom being allowed or not", IYKWIM.

 

[fieryphoenix]

Personally i would just tell him what the plan is, "my mom will be there, I hope that you will be too" he isn't the one pushing the kid out again just imo

 

[Kutiepatuie]

IMO, if your husband doesn't want your mom in the room, you should respect him. It's HIS child too. He has a right to be included in the decision. We, women, bear the baby for 9 months, so we already bond this way. Most men don't bond with their child until they see them. The whole pregnancy process is pretty abstract for them. They feel like they have nothing to do. Being an active part in the childbirth is their way of feeling useful. Don't deny him from that feeling. Include him.

It is not like he won't be included, if anything he would be more included because my mom, as a doula has the training to guide him through how to help me, how to comfort me etc. I think other wise he will just stand there dumbfounded. This is both our first baby and neither of us know what we are doing and I think he will be so freaked out that he won't be useful unless he has some basic and loving guidance

 

[jensha]

IMO, if your husband doesn't want your mom in the room, you should respect him. It's HIS child too. He has a right to be included in the decision. We, women, bear the baby for 9 months, so we already bond this way. Most men don't bond with their child until they see them. The whole pregnancy process is pretty abstract for them. They feel like they have nothing to do. Being an active part in the childbirth is their way of feeling useful. Don't deny him from that feeling. Include him.

It is not like he won't be included, if anything he would be more included because my mom, as a doula has the training to guide him through how to help me, how to comfort me etc. I think other wise he will just stand there dumbfounded. This is both our first baby and neither of us know what we are doing and I think he will be so freaked out that he won't be useful unless he has some basic and loving guidance

Ah! Said like that, it does sound fair! Have a good talk with him and I hope you'll get him on board.

 

[Librastar2828]

I can see his point this is a special moment which should be shared by the two of you. Especially since you hadn't spoke about it. but it's you going through all this

Could you not set out of guidelines/ground rules.. Make him understand that she is there for support in times of need, labours can be long and tough and he will need time out too.. Unfortunately you won't get that so will need someone there to give extra support. Maybe have your mum take a back seat kind of approach and speak to her and make sure she understands not to trend on his toes and be there in the background for extra support but ensuring your partner is the main one involved.

I think you have to respect his wishes its his baby too not your mums.. On the other hand he needs to respect yours too, it's a big thing labour something he will never totally understand and mate your mum who has been through can lend support he never can

 

[Guppy051708]

Just from personal experience (im not saying everyone has this experience or even that you will), but DH wasn't too fond of the idea of my mum being there. (he didn't express himself that much about it, but said a little statement a time or two). But i really wanted her there bc she had 5 births, 4 of which were unmedicated, so i knew she would help me in ways that only a mom can. She was there for DS1 labor and it turns out, in the end, he was really really glad she was there. He, much like I, didn't really know what labor was like (no matter how educated we became with it). And when my labor begun with severe back labor (face up baby ouch!), a long long labor and transition and pushing stage, he was really glad to have my mom there bc 1.) he needed breaks too and he wouldn't have had that wtihout her. they switched off every now and then 2.) he didn't really understand what he could do to help. He just kind of sat there clueless. There were def times that he would do hip squeezes and talk me through, but bc it was over 30 hours long, he was exahusted, tired and a wee bit worried i think. So when my mom was there to support me and give him a break or to reassure HIM (and me) that things were going as they needed to and that it was all normal, or even her giving him tips on how to help me, he embraced it with open arms. Does he love my mom now? no way! but did he make an effort to show his gratitude that she was there? You bet. It really turned his perspective i think, but it just was something he didn't realize until we were in labor. So even though he felt similar to your DH at first, once labor was started he was much more open to her and actually really relieved to have her there.

 

[Kutiepatuie]

IMO, if your husband doesn't want your mom in the room, you should respect him. It's HIS child too. He has a right to be included in the decision. We, women, bear the baby for 9 months, so we already bond this way. Most men don't bond with their child until they see them. The whole pregnancy process is pretty abstract for them. They feel like they have nothing to do. Being an active part in the childbirth is their way of feeling useful. Don't deny him from that feeling. Include him.

It is not like he won't be included, if anything he would be more included because my mom, as a doula has the training to guide him through how to help me, how to comfort me etc. I think other wise he will just stand there dumbfounded. This is both our first baby and neither of us know what we are doing and I think he will be so freaked out that he won't be useful unless he has some basic and loving guidance

Ah! Said like that, it does sound fair! Have a good talk with him and I hope you'll get him on board.

Him and I are going to talk about it tomorrow and I am definitely going to try and explain the above to him. The last thing I would want him to feel is not apart of our babies birth. He being such an involved father (already) is one of my favourite things and I definitely wouldn't want to discourage his participation. I will post in up date, hopefully it will be a good one!

 

[Kutiepatuie]

Just from personal experience (im not saying everyone has this experience or even that you wl), but DH wasn't too fond of the idea of my mum being there. (he didn't express himself that much about it, but said a little statement a time or two). But i really wanted her there bc she had 5 births, 4 of which were unmedicated, so i knew she would help me in ways that only a mom can. She was there for DS1 labor and it turns out, in the end, he was really really glad she was there. He, much like I, didn't really know what labor was like (no matter how educated we became with it). And when my labor begun with severe back labor (face up baby ouch!), a long long labor and transition and pushing stage, he was really glad to have my mom there bc 1.) he needed breaks too and he wouldn't have had that wtihout her. they switched off every now and then 2.) he didn't really understand what he could do to help. He just kind of sat there clueless. There were def times that he would do hip squeezes and talk me through, but bc it was over 30 hours long, he was exahusted, tired and a wee bit worried i think. So when my mom was there to support me and give him a break or to reassure HIM (and me) that things were going as they needed to and that it was all normal, or even her giving him tips on how to help me, he embraced it with open arms. Does he love my mom now? no way! but did he make an effort to show his gratitude that she was there? You bet. It really turned his perspective i think, but it just was something he didn't realize until we were in labor. So even though he felt similar to your DH at first, once labor was started he was much more open to her and actually really relieved to have her there.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I have a feeling that something similar will happen with myself. Evenif it does not I don't want to be in labour with us both freaking out and feeling lost. Labour is something I am definitely terrified about and dreaded since I found out I was pregnant. Hopefully if we set up some guide lines and I explain my position and feelings a little better he will be more understanding

 

[Toms Mummy]

I didn't want anyone else in the room bsides OH..... He was there to support me and the midwives were there to do the rest. No one esle was needed

 

[Kutiepatuie]

*update*
Talked with the hubby and we came to an agreement.
We have decided that throughout the labour my mother will be there but when it comes to the actual delivery we will ask my mom to leave. That way I get the support that I need and he feels that he still gets that first family moment with our baby alone.
All and all I think this is a super fair agreement and we are both happy.