Husband says no Mom in delivery room.

[xx~Lor~xx]

Definitely a difficult one. Fortunately I have never wanted my mum in the labour room, so this wasn't an issue for us, but I feel it may have been if I had wanted my mum to be there.

For your OH he may feel pushed back, especially with your mum being a doula she is likely to step in and push OH out, which will likely leave him feeling exactly like a third wheel with nothing to do. I think you need to talk to him and your mother, perhaps together, if having your mother there is something you want, then maybe you can come to an agreement all together where everyone knows what is expected and that your mother takes a step back and allows your husband to be the main support for you. Maybe she can step out of the room at periods you are coping well etc. Ultimately he will probably have to put up with your mum being there seeing as that is your wish and it's your labour, but perhaps you could discuss how he could feel more comfortable and his wants also thought of. Particularly afterwards I'm sure he would like to spend private time with you and your newborn.

 

[Guppy051708]

*update*
Talked with the hubby and we came to an agreement.
We have decided that throughout the labour my mother will be there but when it comes to the actual delivery we will ask my mom to leave. That way I get the support that I need and he feels that he still gets that first family moment with our baby alone.
All and all I think this is a super fair agreement and we are both happy.

Im glad you all could come to an agreement

 

[caandii]

I honestly don't think I would have coped without my mom there. Though it is his baby too he doesn't understand EXACTLY how ur feeling and what ur going thru, ur mom will be able to give a lot more support and help

 

[Anthrogirl]

Just a logistical note, labor (and delivery) can be long and grueling processes, might want to remind your OH that mom might be a blessing to help share the potentially very tiring job of supporting you! Glad you all worked through it, btw!

 

[beegray]

Glad you two came to an agreement. I wanted my mom with me for a completely different reason then support. See my mom never had her own children (I'm adopted) and my mom has moved heaven and earth for me since I was adopted. After going thru a few years of infertility myself I understood slightly wat she went thru. My Dh actually suggested this before we fell pregnant that my mom be there in the room with me so she could get as close as possible to experiencing birth. Were we live u are only allowed one person with u, so that wld mean he wld not be there. My Dh understood the importance of my mom, I think even better then I did. Unfortunately, this time round my mom won't be with me as her and my dad moved to the otherside of the country and they are already coming our side for my brother's wedding! However, with that, I would also understand completely if my dh just wanted it to be the 2 of us. The journey we went thru to this little one was a difficult one and I understand how special it is for it to be the 2 of us watching our daughter come into this world!

 

[baileybubs]

Really interesting thread, and I have to admit I also just decided that my mother would be there without really asking df. But to be honest it can all depend on the relationship between the 3 of you. Me and my mum are really close, she lost her own mum when I was only little and didn't have the benefit of having her mum around to help. My df and my mum also get along really really well (sometimes to the point of ganging up on me in a nice way lol) and for me the whole dynamic is perfect. They can be there for each other to help support me and the way I see it they will both be bringing different skills with them to help, my mum with her experience and being a woman, and my df as my partner who knows me better than anyone.

However I can see how some men might feel put out by not being asked as it is a special moment as the start of their own little family. I am very fortunate that it wasn't an issue and probably the reason why I didn't think to ask df if it was ok.

But I do have to say that the birth of your child is a special moment and yes the father should be able to have his own opinions, but it is not them who will be doing the difficult physical task of giving birth. It is up to the woman giving birth who she would like there to help her and I think if my df had told me outright that he did not want my mum there I would not have taken to that kindly. At the end of the day when it comes to decisions about your child then yes, everything is equal, but for how YOU feel supported throughout birth is up to you.

As I said earlier though, everyone has a different relationship an dynamics so what I would feel was right and what others would feel was right can be completely different.

 

[mandaxx]

It's a tough one but I'd side with your hubby. It's already about you a lot and men get pushed to the side. This is his big moment too and if he feels threatened that isn't fair. You don't really need your mum there, I've never had mine. You'll do just as good without her, plus when you're in full blown labour you won't even notice anyone around you. I believe labour and birth is for the mum and dad only really, unless the dad doesn't mind. But that's just me xxx

 

[tamithomas]

*update*
Talked with the hubby and we came to an agreement.
We have decided that throughout the labour my mother will be there but when it comes to the actual delivery we will ask my mom to leave. That way I get the support that I need and he feels that he still gets that first family moment with our baby alone.
All and all I think this is a super fair agreement and we are both happy.

Haha, you just described what I want. Glad you guys came to an understanding

 

[Leesy]

*update*
Talked with the hubby and we came to an agreement.
We have decided that throughout the labour my mother will be there but when it comes to the actual delivery we will ask my mom to leave. That way I get the support that I need and he feels that he still gets that first family moment with our baby alone.
All and all I think this is a super fair agreement and we are both happy.

Haha, you just described what I want. Glad you guys came to an understanding

That's what me and my oh decided then come the time I was crying begging my mum not to leave lol.

 

[Guppy051708]

um, i def could not have gotten through my first labor without my mother. What works for some doesn't work for everyone! It doesn't mean daddy was forgotten about or pushed to the side, my husband was just as invovled and never once felt like he was left out, but i couldn't get it through it without her (or him!). Different strokes for different folks.

 

[mandaxx]

Well you could have, because you wouldn't have had any choice.

 

[Guppy051708]

Well you could have, because you wouldn't have had any choice.

My mom was not present with my second birth (we live 10 hours apart). But i had highly trusting MWs with me, that knew me personally, and they were lovely (as was my DH Again, he was not left out or pushed aside bc i had other support there) I believe things happen for a reason. There was a good reason why mom was able to be at my first birth, it was extremely long hard and tiresome wouldn't even begin to define it. I DEF would not have had the unmedicated, hopeful birth that i wanted without her. Sure, i would have had the baby, obviously, but i know for a fact it would have resulted in everything i didn't want had she not been there. (Second birth was under 1.5 hours, so much easier not to mention i had done it once by then so i had way more confidence) But still it makes no difference, if the OP thinks it's important for her mom to be there, than it is important. I really would not have gotten through my first birth without my mother and i dont see how you can say you know how it would have gone without someone highly wanted as support. Women have been supporting women since the dawn of humanity. It doesn't mean that daddy can't be invovled. It doesn't mean that he is being forgotten about or stepped on It simply means that mom has a wholesome support group and that includes the father. Again, different things for different ppl, especially when the OP says it's important to her AND she DOES have a choice. It's not like it can't happen in her situation. Besides that, she came on here and said they came to an agreement, established a compromise. Both parties are happy, none forgotten about. It did not appear as if dad was forgotten or left out.

 

[Glitter_berry]

Glad you came to an agreement.
I decided not to have my mum with us this time around as she really bugged me with her mother knows best attitude last time. Although she probably meant well, the hormones and pain didn't agree with her or my hubby really. Lol

This time I want to make a plan of what I would like to do.

 

[lozzy21]

My OH did not want my mam to be there and as much as i respected his wishes i did not agree with them. He is intitled to his opinion but it was my vagina the baby was coming out of so my wishes came 1st. It was our first and since he had never been in labour himself i wanted some one there who knew what it was like.

In the end he was glad she was there, i spent my labour in silance and he would have had a very boring 7 hours if he had not had my mam there to talk to. She did not take over but gave him ideas on how to help me, "try putting pressure on that part of her back". My midwife was shit and it was my mam that was suggesting different positions, OH was clueless on things like that, Niamh came 5 weeks early so never got chance to go to antinatal classes.

Having a doula or other familiar female support can Shorten first-time labour by an average of 2 hours, Decreases the chance of caesarean section by 50%, Decreases the need for pain medication, Helps fathers participate with confidence, Increases success in breastfeeding.

Taken from doula UK.

https://doula.org.uk/content/why-there-need-doulas

 

[staralfur]

It's a tough one but I'd side with your hubby. It's already about you a lot and men get pushed to the side. This is his big moment too and if he feels threatened that isn't fair. You don't really need your mum there, I've never had mine. You'll do just as good without her, plus when you're in full blown labour you won't even notice anyone around you. I believe labour and birth is for the mum and dad only really, unless the dad doesn't mind. But that's just me xxx

Of course she doesn't NEED her mother there, she doesn't "need" her husband there, either...or a doctor, for that matter! She could give birth by herself in the middle of a forest. But people are there to help and comfort whoever it is giving birth, and if that person feels it's important for their mom to be there then what's the issue?

OP, I'm glad you sorted it out, that sounds like a great plan.

 

[berniegroves]

I don't speak to my mum so it was just DH and me for our daughters birth. My DH was incredibly supportive and wonderful. But I imagine it would have been nice to have a woman present who had been through the experience before.
The delivery suite was super busy and so we barely saw the midwife!

I think that labour is an amazing experience for a couple, but it can also be scary, confusing and painful. So if a woman wants extra support before going through that I think it should be respected.

I'm glad you and your OH came to an agreement.
Xx

 

[Amy89]

This is a really interesting thread! I never wanted my mum there, I don't really want her to see me in such a mess before motherhood, buttttttt lately I don't know! I think I'm just gonna wait it out, then if I want her ill get OH to call her. He won't have an issue with it, I know very well that labour will be hard for him too, and he has a tendency to 'flap' in tense situations! The calming influence of my mum will be good for us both, if we need it.
Plus, what if something goes wrong and I got sent to theatre? He'd be going absolutely mental waiting to come down to theatre if he was on his own.

 

[imthatgirl]

I'm glad you two were able to come to an agreement. With my second there was a chance my mom would be around when I was birthing. She had just moved to the same town and was living with us. Considering I was having a homebirth there was a good chance she'd be at home too. My (now ex)husband wasn't comfortable with her being there. Said it was too special of a time for us. He knew I needed support though and said he wouldn't mind a doula, just as long as it was someone I wasn't emotionally connected to. He wanted to be my emotional support, even if someone else helped with the physical side of it. I understood that completely.

 

[Amy89]

Well you could have, because you wouldn't have had any choice.

You know what, that's actually really rude. People don't come on here asking for smart ass comments, it's for advice. And if she feels she couldn't have done it without her Mum, then fine. It's not for you to start being rude.

 

[Clarabell543]

My hubby wasn't sure about my mom being there as she can be a bit over powering at times but she took a back seat and as i had a tough time and got put under general for an emcs he was grateful he had her support whilst he was waiting to hear the news on me and lo. He found it all very distressing. That said if i'd had the natural relaxed labour I had wanted he may have thought differently!