I am being Selfish, I really need some Advice

[doxie.chi]

I need some advice, no matter how hurtful it may seem.

I feel like I am being selfish.

Long story in a nut shell – I am 25, I have PCOS, Endometriosis. After 3 surgeries and hormone treatments (Lupron, Provera ect) We finally got me to jump start my cycles and they have been somewhat normal. It has been strongly suggested that I start trying to conceive even more actively and work with a fertility specialist due to the disease progression.
Anyway, about a month ago, my Brother in Law was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. He is very ill, and we do not know how long we have but I can certainly say he wont be with us for years, but you never know what happens with chemo or what to expect - We havent had the follow up yet to see if the chemo is working.

I feel so selfish trying to bring a baby into my life when my sister (with whom I’m very close with) is getting ready emotionally to lose her husband and to help her 5 year old son through it. (My fiancé, who also lost his father at a young age will more than likely be the only male role model in his life, and he needs to be here for him as well)I feel very conflicted in that I don’t want to do anything that would hurt anyone’s feelings, but I feel like (and my doctor feels the same way) like this is my one chance to have a baby on my own.

I am also thinking of the selfish things, like will they be happy for me? Will we bond like sisters do and go baby clothes shopping? This will be the biggest thing that will ever happen to me, and I don’t want to remember it as surrounded by regret and sadness. I dont want my sister to look at a new born baby and wish that she were able to do that with her family, another reminder that the life she once had is now over.

Feeling that I had to bring this up to my family, I recently brought this up to my mother, though she said, I think a baby would bring a comfort and good to such a dark time, I heard a little disgust in her voice, so much so that I’ve completely gone in a tail spin about what I should do.

I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I know life goes on no matter who is sick….
But should I wait and take my chances later in life? The last thing I want is to bring any more grief to my family.

I know there are so many options out there. Thank you so much, I really appreciate any advice, especially someone who has gone through this and how it turned out for you.
Thank you!
Liz

 

[bathbabe]

Personally id go for it x

 

[BlaireUK]

So very sorry about your BIL. Things will always happen in life which we can’t control. You will need to be there for your sister and nephew but I don’t think you should put your life plans or ttc on hold because of it. When you fall pregnant your sister will be happy and excited for you, because she'll remember how if felt when she found out she was pregnant. She might need a lot of support to deal with what’s happening in her life but maybe a family baby will be a welcome addition and give everyone the hope they need to carry on with life.

 

[MackMomma8]

Oh, honey, do not ever, ever, EVER let other people's problems or concerns or issues make you feel like you should put your life on hold. Especially with all of the issues you KNOW you are going to have TTCing... I wholeheartedly say go for it. If this is what both you and you husband want right now, then it's the right thing to do.

My favorite quote: "You cannot control people. You cannot control what they do, or what they say, or even what they think and feel. Nothing you can do or say will change any of these things. The only thing you can control are your reactions to these situations. Then, and only then, are you in control of anything."

Good luck, and to you!!!

 

[godsgift385]

I believe you should go for it. Like your mother said, it would bring joy and life to a dark situation. I also believe it may help your sister by distracting her from what is. With any luck, the chemo will help and he wil be with you guys longer than expected. Just because you want a baby doesn't mean you don't care about anyone else. Fx for you and your brother.

 

[BlaireUK]

My favorite quote: "You cannot control people. You cannot control what they do, or what they say, or even what they think and feel. Nothing you can do or say will change any of these things. The only thing you can control are your reactions to these situations. Then, and only then, are you in control of anything."

What a fab quote...

 

[anniepie]

Hi Hun

Sorry to hear about your BIL...I think you should continue with your own plans to TTC. I'm sure your sister or BIL would hate to think that because of the situation you were putting your plans on hold. Sometimes people need something to reach for when there's something so terrible going on, and a brand new life coming into the world can be an amazing thing to do just that. And it won't mean that you can't give them all the support you would anyway.

Good luck hun

x

 

[Seity]

Not selfish at all. What's happening with your BIL is very sad, but I find that bringing new life into the world is often a ray of hope in times like that. My OH's grandma got very sick and died while I was pregnant with our LO and I think it helped his family to know that soon there would be a new life joining us even as one was leaving.

 

[doxie.chi]

You have all been amazing, thank you so much.

 

[immimx]

i agree with everyone about, go for it. your obviously very sensitive to others feelings, so you wont upset them, and it may bring hope to the family.
Hopefully you sister will still want to do those things with you and be happy that she would have a little nephew or niece.
i think it you leave it until when you know concieving will be difficult you are going to put yourself through much more heartache, why prolong it?
sorry about your BIL as well xx

 

[Aprilshowers]

Personally I don't think you are selfish at all. Go for it. New life brings with it hope and love and a new journey. That will be all good at this dark time.

 

[Chai_w]

I agree with the other ladies. I'm sure your sister will understand, and it may give her a way to get her mind off of the bad things by introducing some good news. sorry about you BIL, as godsgift385 said, the chemo may make it so he can stay longer and enjoy the time with all the family and i'm sure he would want to get to see his future niece or nephew in that time as well.

 

[beccad]

I think if you put it off you could be waiting quite a bit longer than you expect - people often live for a few years with stage 4 cancer. I know a lady who's been battling breast cancer, initially diagnosed at stage 4, for four years now, and she's currently doing very well. She isn't ever going to recover, barring some sort of divine intervention, but she's not planning on 'giving in' any time soon.

So I would go for it. What is happening to your BIL is going to be terribly sad regardless of whether you have a baby, and I'm sure he and your sister wouldn't want to you to jepordise your chance at having a child because of something that may or may not happen in the next five months or the next five years.

 

[i want it all]

A little baby may be the thing that keeps your family together through the really hard times. I would definately go for it. I don't think it's in the slightest bit selfish either! Lots of Luck to you, and I hope there is some good news re your BIL!

 

[odd_socks]

id go for it if i was u x

 

[EngineerGirl]

First off, I want to applaud your taking the time to think about your family. It's kind of you.

At the same time I agree with the other ladies - go for it. You have your own body to be concerned about and you should take this chance. On top of that having a cousin might be great for your nephew as he potentially goes through a very confusing time.

Hope you are able to figure out the best course for you, your husband, and your extended family.

 

[Webbykinskt]

I think you should go for it. I'm sure your BIL would hate to think he was stopping you from doing things you wanted to do. If I was very ill, I would love to think of my family having some happiness.

Go with it... As long as you are still there for your BIL, I don't see what's wrong with it.

Good luck and best wishes to your family at this time xxx

 

[Catalyst]

THis is hard. But I would think that it might be a light in the dark to have a baby on the way in the family. something good happening, something too look forward to for your sister and somehting to take her mind of things.
It might remind her that life goes on. It is hard to loose your husband but she needs to move on for her son.
It might be mixed feelings she will feel but I think that in the long run she will be glad.

 

[Welsh_mum2be]

I am so sorry that your BIL is sick. I would really encourage you not to change your life plans as you never know what is going to happen, the fact that they are treating yout BIL is a possitive thing even without a good intreim scan yet
Thinking from your BIL ponit of view, I am sure the last thing he would want id for you to put your life on hold, I am sure he would prefer it if you just carried on as 'normal'. I was diagnosed with stage 3b Hodgkins in 2009 I was lucky as I was told that it was one off the better cancers to have as it is 80% curable, I was 36 weeks pregnant with my daughter. She was 3 weeks old when I started 6 months of Chemo, and she got me through every tough day and gave me strength and hope to get out of bed. The last thing I wanted was my familys life chaning in any way, yes I was sick but I was still me, I still had the same hopes and dreams for myself and my family and your BIL probably feels the same. All I needed was love and support. Just because your BIL's and sisters life is changing does not mean that you or anyones else has to change.
I really hope that your BIL will be ok and that the chemo isnt to tough on him. xx

 

[Princesskell]

I agree with the lovely words everybody has put.
I have been thinking along similar lines, I work and am good friends with an amazing woman who after 3 miscarriages finally had a longed for baby and then he died a month old, with no health problems, our whole work place(a primary school) is in shock and totally devastated for her.
A few people have mentioned at work that it would be very hard for her if someone else was to get pregnant and it almost feels insensitive to be planning this? I do agree new life is a healer and brings people together but would hate for people to feel awkward.
X