I am so disappointed.

[Kmx]

I found out I was pregnant at 3.5 weeks. It was very much planned and wanted. I soon realised that I would need to sell my house which is 500 miles away and that I wanted to move back to my home town where my family live for the baby coming.

I moved 500 miles away 18 months ago for my OHs job. We have enjoyed it but I miss my family so much. When I found out I was pregnant I was planning on waiting until the new year to buy a bigger house in my families location. This would give me 1 year maternity leave and 9 months maternity pay. After this I would hand in my notice as I would be 500 miles away and get a new part time job in my new location when my maternity leave ended. Everything was perfect.

Then the logistics of selling our house and getting a mortgage started being discussed between myself and OH. I was only about 4 weeks pregnant. We ended up having a MASSIVE row. I was so stressed out about moving 500 miles away, selling a house, getting a new mortgage, going full time in my work to get a mortgage, telling them I'm pregnant, buying a new house, decorating it and getting it organised for the baby coming in May.

The night of the argument between OH and I, I got so stressed. I felt he wasn't pulling his weight and didn't realise the urgency that was required to get all of this sorted for the baby coming. If only I knew.

I could feel my blood pumping round my body. My hands were shaking. I was so overwhelmed and incredibly angry. I blamed it on my hormones and I was acting like this because I was pregnant. I threw the remote control for the tv off the wall and sobbed. My OH called me lots of names and was generally horrible.

A week later I started bleeding and it's been confirmed I will miscarry. I'm just waiting.

I'm so disappointed in myself. Why did I stress so much when there are hundreds of people who don't have a home and bring a baby into the world. Even if we couldn't buy a bigger house immediately, we would have worked it out. I feel like I've lost my baby due to this stress and I knew at the time I must stop it. But I didnt.

I'm so angry and disappointed in myself. It makes me question my relationship with OH. He was so unsupportive and disn't sympathise with my worries and stress. Just provoked me. Now that I'm waiting to miscarry im fine one minute then bursting into tears the next. He isn't emotional. Just says it wasn't meant to be and we will try again. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset. He looks at me as if I should be locked up in a mental hospital. He tells me I'm being too emotional and to be strong. I called in sick at work today as I'm too upset and he asks me if im enjoying my day off as though it's a holiday.

Now I just have to wait on the miscarriage and never know if I caused it. All that stress to make sure everything wAs perfect for the baby coming and now I won't even get to meet him or her. I can't desribe my feelings. I worry there is a god and I will be punished after life. I Know deep down its irrational, I know but I cannot help it because I know deep down I was out of control and I should have acted differently.

Since the bleeding started I've been so down. I haven't had time for my son and lay in bed or on the couch crying. He has begged me to play with him but I've just told him no. I feel so bad

 

[Sophiejash]

Oh Kmx, reading this is breaking my heart. I understand your feelings completely regarding the baby, we've just lost ours at 9.5 weeks. We already have a 1 1/2 year old girl but it was also planned and i can't stop looking at the scan picture. 😢 It's more than likely you would have miscarried anyway so please don't blame yourself, there is nothing you could have done to prevent it, I know it's hard and we always look for reasons in ourself but most of the time we miscarry for a reason due to the baby, something was probably wrong and although it hurts now, it's better now than later when it would be even harder to deal with, or for it to continued where they baby could have had really bad problems. This way you can try again very soon and then welcome that baby with all the love in the world, a beautiful baby boy or girl.
As for you partner I would suggest talking to him and explaining your feelings. Men don't have any urgency in life and remember the move would be a massive change for him in life too. Baby's are life changing in their own without having to move location so he's dealing with a lot too.
Talk to him and don't give up hope, it's just a bump in the road. I'm sure that baby you want will be with you next year, as hopefully will mine xx

 

[Kmx]

Oh Kmx, reading this is breaking my heart. I understand your feelings completely regarding the baby, we've just lost ours at 9.5 weeks. We already have a 1 1/2 year old girl but it was also planned and i can't stop looking at the scan picture. �� It's more than likely you would have miscarried anyway so please don't blame yourself, there is nothing you could have done to prevent it, I know it's hard and we always look for reasons in ourself but most of the time we miscarry for a reason due to the baby, something was probably wrong and although it hurts now, it's better now than later when it would be even harder to deal with, or for it to continued where they baby could have had really bad problems. This way you can try again very soon and then welcome that baby with all the love in the world, a beautiful baby boy or girl.
As for you partner I would suggest talking to him and explaining your feelings. Men don't have any urgency in life and remember the move would be a massive change for him in life too. Baby's are life changing in their own without having to move location so he's dealing with a lot too.
Talk to him and don't give up hope, it's just a bump in the road. I'm sure that baby you want will be with you next year, as hopefully will mine xx

Thanks for your kind words. I literally feel like I'm losing my mind, fine and rational thinking one minute, the next minute completely irrational and awful thoughts. I know it's silly of me to blame myself but it's just the unknown that I will never know what caused it and a small question mark over whether I contributed to it. They are still investigating whether it is ectopic and although I'm praying it's not, I feel like then I couldn't blame myself for the loss. How irrational and selfish of me I know but I don't know how to make myself feel better right now.

I'm due to be a bridesmaid on Sunday and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I don't feel anyone understands unless they've been through it. My son and OH are part of the wedding and OH is best man. If I don't go I'm missing such a special time. But physically I don't know if I can go and whether my friend will understand as I naively thought a miscarriage was just a heavy period but in reality it's so so much more. I didn't realise until I was in this position and I believe that a lot of people are the same until they go through it themselves. Also if I do decide not to go due to the physical aspect then the wedding is back in my home town (500 miles away), my OH and son will probably need to go as all 3 of us pulling out would really be bad. So I'll be left alone in my house with not a single person around as everyone will be back in my home town.

So I'm in the dilemma of when to travel. I don't know whether to leave tonight. We were planning on driving up later in the week. It takes 6.5 hours so I'm worried the miscarriage would start on the way or it is ectopic and I find myself in an emergency situation. But if we do hold off until later in the week to travel then it may be too late and ill be in the worst of the bleeding/ pain and obviously in no situation to travel. I just wish my family were here to help and comfort me. And I don't want to be left alone in the house whilst my OH and son travel up for the wedding.

So yeah all in all I'm not in a good place emotionally.

 

[Sophiejash]

I think it's important you're close to your family at the moment. So would suggest going up as soon as you can to be close to them, especially your mum (I don't know what I'd do without mine right now). As for the wedding I know it's hard but I think you should try to put on a brave face. It'll hopefully take your mind off things. If your body tries so sort things out in the middle of it all you can always leave, I'm sure your friend will understand. I'm still having pains but paracetamol seems to really help so bear that in mind. It might be quick and not to bad for you. I can't imagine how you must feel waiting for it to happen. Thoughts are with you x

 

[Marumi]

I'm sorry you ended up miscarrying. Your OH sounds a bit too insensitive. He should understand how you feel. I know men aren't as emotionally connected, but at least be nice and understanding. I would calmly tell him how you feel about this.
it is normal for a man to not be as emotionally connected to an early pregnancy however. They don't feel anything, they don't see a belly...I think for them it becomes real much later. My husband wasn't very emotional either when I miscarried. I think they have a "better luck next time" mindset.

I understand you were overjoyed and wanted to get everything prepped, but tbh, it is a bit soon. With every pregnancy we take the risk of miscarrying...these things do happen more often than we think.
With this baby I won't announce or do anything until the 12th week at least. If I make it this far cause there have been many problems. It is sad but best not to get ahead of yourself.

I got pregnant right after my miscarriage and it certainly helped me emotionally. I had some hormone related problems which were corrected by my pregnancy that I miscarried...but that way creating a much better, healthier environment for a new baby.

God or whatever force there is would not punish you for a miscarriage. It is just natural causes and maybe even a way to tell you to look at yoyr health. I did an I flund out that a pituitary tumor I have can cause miscarriages by supressing progesterone production...so now I am on progesterone and at least a good deal further than ladt time.
Idk if you believe in "souls", but I have studied the occult all my life because since childhood it has been filled with paranormal events...and many old beliefs state that the same soul could wait to be born to one mother. Some cases of reincarnated people seem to support this.
Sadly there is not much scientific evidence but it would be nice to think about it this way. Different body, same soul.

 

[Sophiejash]

Do you mind me asking Marumi, how soon did you fall again? Did you wait for your period to return or not?

 

[Kmx]

Well I finally think it is starting. I have been experiencing sharp sore pains in my lower abdomen and heavy bleeding. Not enough to soak through a pad but mainly just when I go to the toilet it just "falls" out of me (serious tmi sorry). I really hope this is it as it's been starting and stopping for the last day or so. Only thing that worries me is that there is no cramps or pain at present. Terrified I see something. If I do I really do not want to flush it away. I was thinking of planting it in a pot with a tree which I'll keep indoors and then I can take with me when I move. This was an idea from the hospital. Although as I'm so early and hcg is low I doubt I will see anything.

Praying this is over quickly. Already feel more emotionally stable as I know it is finally the beginning of the end of this horrible process.


Thank you for your comforting words and understanding. I can never tell you how much comfort I have gotten from having someone to talk to.

 

[Sophiejash]

You might not get any pains and hopefully you won't realise when you pass the baby. I hope it's over quickly for you. Please message me if you need to talk 😃 xx

 

[Kmx]

So it's now suddenly stopped. Had normal period bleeding for an hour or two. Not soaking through a pad but when I went to the toilet then I would experience quite a bit of blood. Now there's nothing. I'm so so fed up. Why is this happening is it normal and how long for it to typically occur? Could this be ongoing for days/weeks until I finally pass the tissue/clots?

 

[Marumi]

Kmx
If your baby wasn't that grown you would not bleed much or pass clots. I did not pass clots only small amounts of tissue. My cramps were very mild. The only weird lart was the ringling sensation when I cramped. The bleeding was a bit irregular too..as in more on some days then light on others.

Do you mind me asking Marumi, how soon did you fall again? Did you wait for your period to return or not?

I did not have a period. I got pregnant again days after the miscarriage when we were "testing waters".
I bled for about 6 days with my MC. The last two days were just spotting. Some time in the week after that I must have gotten pregnant again.
I have been told with a Chemical your cycle remains unaffaected. Means I ovulated at the same time I would have pre pregnancy. I was charting and temping and it all confirmed that theory.