I cant take it anymore...

[JViti]

Been trying on and off for 3 years all together...this last stint has lasted over 2 years...I am sick of trying to get pregnant only to get failure after failure. I have done idk how many clomid cycles...and i just got my BFN after my first IUI (which is a pointless procedure since i have blocked and damaged tubes...stupid doc, thats y im switching)

I just found out I am going to be an auntie again. My SIL is pregnant. I shold be happy...but im not. Im devastated. Im tired of seeing people all around me get pregnant. Why not me??? She thought she had a problem conceiving too, so she would talk to me about it cuz clearly i have become an expert but she was only trying for 5 months...sorry that doesnt mean your infertile sweetie..cleary since ur pregnant now. I just wanna scream and cry. I am sooo jealous. Does this make me rotten????

I need a good cry...everyone was afraid to tell me because they knew how devastated I would be...I dunno if that makes me feel better or worse. Its like they are taking my feelings into account, but its like I have become a different person in all this. And I guess I have.

I feel awful. I feel sad that I'm not as excited about being an aunt as I should be. I mean its not the baby's fault, its not my SIL fault, but sometimes I feel like I just wanna crawl under a rock.

 

[WhiteOrchid24]

Hi JViti,

I'm sorry you are feeling so fed up but it's natural with all that you are going through. Feeling jealous about your SIL doesn't make you rotten at all you just want the same thing. It sounds positive though that you are changing your Dr.... hopefully s/he will give you better advice and suggestions on how best to proceed with your blocked tubes.

This month marks 2 years since we started TTC # 2 and it's definitely a very hard milestone to hit. I'm on Day 2 of this cycle and I felt so crappy over the weekend and just didn't want to accept ANOTHER month had gone by with nothing, so I understand your pain and frustration. Every single week it seems I hear of someone I know who is pregnant or if they aren't pregnant it's cause they have a baby! It's so hard and although I am happy for them it's that horrible feeling like I have been punched in my stomach. This month for the first time when AF arrived I wasn't just upset but I was so angry and fed up with the situation!

I'm hoping you will feel more positive after talking to your new dr who can put you on a better direction to get that BFP. As other lovely ladies remind me - it happened once before, it will happen again. Keep your chin up - tomorrow will be a better day

 

[JViti]

Its just so frustrating!! I get that punched gut feeling too, but when I found out (literally an hour ago) about my SIL, it felt like I got punched in the chest...I couldnt breathe for a second and I thought I was having a panic attack. I felt betrayed, but I know its a stupid thing to feel. I wasnt betrayed, I was just beaten to the finish line. I mean I'm gunna be an auntie again...its an exciting time, but I feel like I cant be excited, and I wont ever be excited about it...I will always be jealous...envious...and angry.

 

[Bkrispy]

That's such a horrible feeling
It doesn't make it easier when people are scared to tell you either. When my husbands best friend found out she was pregnant 4 years ago, she never spoke a word again to me.
We were friends, and one day she started ignoring all my calls and texts. It was about a month of that before my husband announced
"Ok, I just can't do this any longer... She's pregnant"

Four years later she has never spoken again to me, and still doesn't come over to visit with her partner (never getting married, but been together 10 years)
All because she couldn't tell me she was pregnant with her now 3 year old son.

I understand the jealousy. Thats why I was so hard to approach in the first place, but it's so sad years down the line to think of all the friends I have lost. It ended up being at least 90% of the people I knew and talked to- that now have nothing to do with me.
I really don't want to lecture you so please don't take this that way. I completely understand your feelings.
It just reminded me of myself and made me sad for all the other things my own jealousy has cost me. Many many friends and even family. I no longer have any family who will talk to me, because I was mad when my teenage sister got pregnant with her second (and her boyfriends 4th) child. Saddest part of that was that her husband has huntingtons disease and they kept trying for a girl (which is more likely to also get the disease). I was angry and told her she was incredibly selfish for trying so hard to have a girl that would likely only end up in a nursing home somewhere in here 40's (i was a cna for a while, and have seen many people come in with huntingtons, it's horrible to watch, and I would never wish that on my children)
My mother doesn't speak to me over my infertility either.
She had 6 kids and abandoned all but 2. I was one of the abandoned ones, I found her later in life. When I found out I couldn't have more, I lashed out at her for being one of the many mothers out there who definitely don't deserve kids more than I do. That was five years ago. We have zero relationship. I am suprized my husband hasn't divorced me over this sometimes.
I'm not trying to make this about me either. I really just hate to see someone else go through this.
It's horrible to be abandoned by your friends and family on top of all the grief of infertility.

 

[JViti]

I just wish I wasnt so depressed about it. This is her second child, and when she had her first, I was sooo involved. I bought baby name books, spent every penny I had to buy her stuff for him, and I was such a proud auntie!!!! But now, because of my infertility, I am jealous. Jealous beyond words. I've barely stopped crying all day yesterday and today because of it.

I mean, the way I feel is this: I feel betrayed by her and the rest of my in-laws. I know its not betrayal, but I see it as...She knew I was trying so hard to get pregnant, she knew I had been depressed, she knew how much I wanted this, she knew everything that I have been going through..she knew it all, then she goes and gets pregnant---feels like a stab in the heart. My in-laws are trying to be understanding...but of course they are excited. They still get a grandchild-a great neice/nephew-etc. I feel like their excitement is betrayal. I know its not, but it feels like it. Now everytime we visit them (which is every Friday night) I'm gunna have a pregnant chick and exciting news and ultrasound pics and baby name chatter all thrown in my face. I cant stand this, I cant take this!! I dont wanna be near anyone or anything, I dont wanna leave my house, its completely taken over my life.

Everyone says they understand why I feel this way, but I just wanna scream that they dont. I am the ONLY one in the family, both my side and my husbands, that has infertility issues. Everyone else has spat out a kid every year!! I just feel like I am hitting rock bottom. I dont know how much longer I can sanely handle this. I think I'm going to go crazy soon...like padded room crazy...

 

[Bkrispy]

It's ok (really it's not, but it keeps going)
I stayed in my house for almost 2 years at one point. I didn't have anything to do with anyone-
I still haven't had my second child yet, but i can at least be out and around people. I am just a bigger bitch than I ever thought I could be. But i'm ok with that. Life hardens people. I just turned to ice.
However I haven't given up- maybe a baby will soften me back up again one day.

For now, I think it's perfectly ok for you to avoid these family and friends- but don't leave the bridges burned. You'll want them around when you finally welcome home #2.

Haha, I don't though. I'm looking forward to the day my mother-in-law is denied the chance to hold her newborn grandson/daughter. She was one of the first people to advice me to get over it.
I remember those things, and karma isn't doing her job, so I will let revenge take over.

 

[tommyg]

Hiya I'm sure your in laws will try to be sensitive around you.
I thought we were going to run into trouble TTC DS and spoke to friends about fertility stuff. But somehow we managed to hit the jackpot after 6 mths. This time we haven't been so lucky and are having treatment but with the same issues and irregular cycles as before. There maybe a reason she thought she wasn't going to conceive

 

[Kaychikan]

Hi only just seen this thread. Sorry for ur pain we have been ttc for 2 years startin 2nd round if clomid after 2 miscarriages during my journey and my best friend has just told me is 6 weeks pregnant and I got that very same punch in the chest and I keep getting it everytime I think about it. I really want to be happy for her they have been ntnp for a year an recently went to her gp to discuss her options but got her bfp before she had any tests. I want to be able to speak to her about it but I cry evrytime I thik about it. I know there is nothing I can do or say an no one else uunderstads an keeps telling me it will be my turn soon but I dont wont to hear that I want to hear that its my turn now all I can do is try an be positive an use it to make me more determined to get my bfp this time but I still dont want to get stressed about it but will need something to keep me distracted from negativity
Hope we all get our bfp soon so we can all share the happiness and stop getting 'punched in the chest'