I don't know where I am

[mt_wm]

She miscarried in February.

She told me a month later.

I had no idea she was pregnant - she was waiting for the twelve week scan to tell me...
Instead, she told me that she had been, and she'd lost it.

It would've been our first child (for both of us), and something we both were looking forward to - we'd agreed before Christmas that right now wasn't the right time (circumstances etc), but if it happened we'd both be happy.

So how do I deal with the fact that something we both wanted, something I wanted, I had and then lost?
And she dealt with it on her own for a month...

We hardly see each other because of her work - we spend a week together here and there, the rest of the time she's away. And now she's on holiday. I don't blame her, she knows that... I wish she was here with me though, I wish she'd take some time off work so we could spend some quality time together.

Instead, I get family and other "important" people telling me that it "happened for the best"... How the hell would they know?!

I wanna cry, but can't. I wanna hold her, but can't. I want people around me to understand, but they can't.

And now - now I don't know where I am. I wanna lock myself away from the world, and drink myself to oblivion; this coming from someone who rarely drinks any form of alcohol...

 

[porkpie1981]

Im so sorry but i promise it gets better

 

[maccy]

Well you seem like a very supportive partner, it is really hard to get through this time, but you will. Please come on here anytime you need to chat. I'm sure that when she is back you can talk about it properly and she is probably hurting as much as you are. Take care. x

 

[buffycat]

She miscarried in February.

She told me a month later.

I had no idea she was pregnant - she was waiting for the twelve week scan to tell me...
Instead, she told me that she had been, and she'd lost it.

It would've been our first child (for both of us), and something we both were looking forward to - we'd agreed before Christmas that right now wasn't the right time (circumstances etc), but if it happened we'd both be happy.

So how do I deal with the fact that something we both wanted, something I wanted, I had and then lost?
And she dealt with it on her own for a month...

We hardly see each other because of her work - we spend a week together here and there, the rest of the time she's away. And now she's on holiday. I don't blame her, she knows that... I wish she was here with me though, I wish she'd take some time off work so we could spend some quality time together.

Instead, I get family and other "important" people telling me that it "happened for the best"... How the hell would they know?!

I wanna cry, but can't. I wanna hold her, but can't. I want people around me to understand, but they can't.

And now - now I don't know where I am. I wanna lock myself away from the world, and drink myself to oblivion; this coming from someone who rarely drinks any form of alcohol...

i am so very sorry......this is something that you shouldn't be going through on your own. Maybe she has needed some time to get her head around it all before telling you......you must talk to her though....this is something that affects both of you......

the pain won't go away though, i wish it would, as there are days that hubby and me still get sad about it all.....instead you just learn to cope with it.....

keep talking to your partner though......

 

[golcarlilly]

so sorry to hear what you are going through, maybe your OH feels a sense of guilt about what has happened? many of us do feel it was something we did or didnt do which caused it and I know I apologised to my hubby for miscarrying our baby - he told me straight away not to be so silly! However much anyone tells you it is not your fault you still have a nagging thought in the back of your mind! I would just explain to her how you feel, she may just think because you didn't know about it that you won't be that upset?

Hope you work it out

 

[Happyabi]

Bless you
To be able to pluckk up the courage to post in itself is a great thing to do

Some people just deal with things so differently - its so unusual to hear of it this way around - its usually the men that clam up and dont say how they are feeling...

You have to tell her how you feel as she wont be feeling quite herself right now if she is like any of us - and to have a supportive partner like you will be so nice for her.

Good luck

Abi

 

[mt_wm]

Thanks for the messages of support...

I think one of the things that really cuts at the minute is that she's the one person who understands what I'm feeling right now - and she chooses not to be around me.

She blamed herself for it, and we've talked about how it isn't her fault... Slowly I think she's beginning to realise that.
We've also briefly discussed why she didn't tell me for so long, so that really isn't so much of an issue.

I wonder at times whether she really feels what's going on; with her working all the time, not being around, going on holiday - I wonder whether it meant as much to her as it does me. And yeah, I know that makes me sound like an ****hole but I really have no other way of describing how that feels..?

She just can't seem to talk about it with me in person, it's always by text message or on the phone - we've only ever touched on it a couple of times in conversation in person, and only then very briefly.

Everyone around me is telling me to just move on and forget about it... I wonder if that's what she's done, but she's had four weeks headstart over me, so is it really selfish of me to want to cry and be upset over it now?


None of this makes sense... Nothing seems to make sense right now. I don't even understand why for the past few weeks I've felt so numb and empty with it all, and now I just want to cry shout and scream... :'(

 

[honeybunch2k7]

Geez, I'm sorry for your loss.

There's nothing wrong with feeling angry, numb, or sad. Anyone who tells you to move on and forget about most likely has not been in your situation. Honestly, to me that sounds insensitive.

I think a lot of people complain that their partner grieves differently. I have this ongoing problem with OH-sometimes I feel like I am the one carrying 98% of the emotional burden while he seems okay. You are not alone in that respect.

 

[leeanne]

I am so sorry for your loss. This is the time when you need each other the most, but that is not happening and I so feel for you.

Some men tend to not think it a big deal and are the one's telling the other to move on. So it amazes me to see a man be so supportive and so full of feeling.

 

[WW1]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You've every right to scream, shout and grieve as you need to - as said above, those who tell you to move on are probably trying to help but are being insensitive.

You say that your partner has had a 4 week headstart over you - that is probably a very significant factor in why she is behaving so differently. I know that I am behaving differently now to when I first found out I was having a m/c and that was only 10 days ago. I'm still sad but it's no longer the all-consuming pain it was at first.

Only you know what is best for you to do - we're here to talk to if you want to.

Big

 

[golcarlilly]

None of this makes sense... Nothing seems to make sense right now. I don't even understand why for the past few weeks I've felt so numb and empty with it all, and now I just want to cry shout and scream... :'(

That is just normal grieving, I felt exactly like that, it does get better as time goes on I promise (((hugs)))

 

[Sambatiki]

So sorry for your loss.....

Firstly I'd just like to say that its nice to hear that women aren't alone in their thoughts and feelings. My DF has been an absolute rock, but at times it has come across to me as being abit insensitive. He's wasn't just trying to be strong.

Have you tried writing a letter to your OH. Sometimes its easier to get it all down on paper. Im sure that she is hurting very much inside, with to many feelings to mention.

I know that it sounds corny but time is a great healer it will get better but not over night Im afraid.

I hope that Ive said something that helps



Kerry xxxx

 

[maddiwatts19]

So sorry that you &your partner are going through this!!!

When i had my second miscarriage, my OH was working away &it was so hard to deal with as i couldnt see him as much as normal as he'd leave early &get back late..

It is something that will never go away, &you will always think of your darling baby, but it will get easier to deal with as time goes by...

Dont feel bad or angry at your partner for not telling you, every one deals with this differently, and this was probably her way of coping...

xx

 

[mt_wm]

I aren't angry with her for not telling me; in a way, I'm grateful, because at the time there was a lot of other things going on and she knew I wouldn't be able cope - but she also didn't know how I'd react, which I understand (that makes it sound like I'm violent or something, but I aren't, it's just because of her ex's)...
Though obviously I would've liked to have been there for her from day one...

 

[Happyabi]

Its so frustrating when one of you wants to talk things throuhg and the other one just clams up...not just wish this issue but as a whole

I have had to come to terms with just accepting that my partner just isnt the same as me, I like to talk, he doesnt, and although I beleieve its right to get it out in the open, its learning to live and accept that he just doesnt feel thats right....and thats really hard...

S I have got lots of lovely people on here I talk to about my feelings...you have done the right thing by posting and everyone is right - we are here to support each other - so keep posting as talking is obviously helping you

Abi

 

[maccy]

It's the other way round in my relationship, he just can't talk about it as it upsets him too much, he doesn't want to think of it as a baby...just an empty sack, but I do...I lost my child!

It's tough when you just want them to feel like you do it's hard to understand why they are not...but they can't, thats the way they have to deal with it, it's just their way.

In times of stress and upset, some people cry, some people scream and shout, some people lash out, some people don't talk or become withdrawn, some people have panic attacks (like my oh), some people run away etc. Thats what makes us all different I suppose. Hard as that is to come to terms with, I've had the conversation with my oh bout why he isn't as upset as me and after he explained that it's just the way he has to think about it and deal with it I could understand it a bit better.

If ever you feel down though there's always someone here that will sympathise with you hun. xxx Take care. xxx

 

[mBLACK]

My deepest sympathies are with you and your other half at this difficult time.

 

[xXx Vamp xXx]

All my love to you sweetheart. There's no right or wrong way to deal with something like this, people just deal with it differently. I do wish you could spend sometime together and talk things through, but maybe thats too much for her right now.