I don't mean to sound horrible but why does it always have to be about her :(

[LittleMum]

Urgh I know that this sounds incredibly selfish of me but I just really need to rant

A good friend of mine has been ttc for just over 2 years with no luck.
I told her as soon as I started ttc as I knew this would be an issue for her, she wasn't too bad about it but then didn't take my pregnancy news 2 months later very well which I can understand.
Anyway she has now decided to go for IVF as she's 40 so feels that time is running out, I'm extremely happy for her and glad that she's made this decision but I'm just struggling to cope with the whole me me me thing

She came round the other day and every time my pregnancy was mentioned she turned it round to be about her, talking about her IVF appointment later this month. I was very interested to hear all about it tho so let it slide.

Then I had the awkward moment of having to ask for some of the maternity clothes if given her a year ago back. I tried to be sensitive though and explained that I was only wanting to borrow them until the Xmas season was over and I could afford some bits so would make sure she had them back as soon as needed.
This just started a big conversation about how down she is at the moment waiting for her appointment, how she's stuck in limbo not knowing whether she's already pregnant this month etc etc. again I was happy to talk about this.

BUT yesterday I sent her a pic of my scan and she responded by saying 'what a lovely pic' then sent me another text straight after saying 'only X amount of days til I find out what journey I will be on to get one of these'

Now I know this is a big for her, but am I ever going to be allowed to enjoy my little bit of pregnancy before she starts full whack with the me me me stuff??

Sorry to be such a bitch but grrrrrrrrr

 

[ladyluck8181]

Maybe because I'm on the outside but I can't see what she's done wrong I don't know how someone who is going through fertility problems is meant to respond, maybe talking about her journey is the closest she feels she can get right now to sharing your pregnancy with you.

I think in this case the only thing you can do is be empathetic and try to be the best friend you can be

 

[Loup89]

It's a difficult situation, I've been there myself, both sides.

we've been ttc for 4 years so I understand your friends point of view on how difficult it must be for her. Now I'm pregnant I have a friends who have been trying for 18 months and have changed completely around me even after knowing how long it took us to get pregnant.

I know it's hard for you that everything gets turned around to be about her but I doubt she means to do it. She's probably really hurting, it's a horrible feeling being jealous and happy for your friends at the same time. I expect it's just a way of coping. When one of my friends got pregnant before me, I thought/ was trying to act normal around her but couldn't bring myself to ask too much about the baby she then went to all our other friends to say I was being horrible about it, I couldn't be happy for her and our friendship was clearly ruined! I'm not saying you would do anything like this but what hurt the most was that she didn't come to me. I had no idea she had even picked up that I was upset and I was trying so hard she just didn't see it.

Talk to your friend, she may not realise how you are feeling about this or realise how shes behaving and trust me I'm sure she will become excited for you, it just takes a bit of time.

Please don't think I'm all on her side I now see how frustrating it is when a good friend just doesn't want to know but I have to remember what I was obviously like at one point.

 

[MrsLemon]

I can completely understand that you feel she is somewhat trying to make you feel guilty for conceiving so easily. You should be able to talk to your friend about your pregnancy without being given a guilt trip too when I`m sure shes not.

On the flip side just as a possibility

Maybe she feels your shoving it her face.. even though your definitely not..but when your on the fertility treatment path it feels like every pregnancy is being shoved in your face..

I recommend you have a frank discussion about it she will be morecareful of what she says after that im sure.

 

[Loup89]

also just to add, the best thing at the moment might be to try and enjoy your pregnancy by talking to people who are happy to talk about it too and when shes ready she will as well.

 

[ladyleia]

These situations are really tough with friends and family. I have to be honest, if I were her I don't think I would be handling it near as well as she is. Have you tried imagining what it must be like for her not knowing whether or not she'll ever be able to have a child? I know it's exciting and you want your best friend's support and for her to be excited with you but maybe you could look to another close friend for some of that? Or just try talking to her about it, you may be surprised to hear that she is just trying to connect with you and her actions are her coping mechanism (which she may not be conscious of), and maybe she really isn't trying to make it all about her. Good luck!

 

[Paperhearts]

Honestly, I think it sounds like she's trying to enjoy the whole ttc/pregnancy thing along with you? Like maybe if you're sharing about your experience that she assumes she can do the same? I also agree that she sounds like she's handling it very well and still being sweet about your scan pic even though she may never have one herself. Maybe she's hoping you'll be excited for her as well?

 

[patchey]

Imagine if it was the other way around and you were in her shoes, would you be wanting to hear about someone else's pregnancy? I somehow doubt it. If you haven't experienced infertility, you will never understand. I don't mean to sound rude, but infertility SUCKS and the last thing someone going through it wants to talk about is pregnancy.

 

[littlesteph]

I can understand where your coming from but at the same time I can understand her side as well.
I feel pregnant after 25 months of trying, the month I feel pregnant my friend who had been trying 4 years was going through her first round of IVF. I told her I was pregnant when I found out as I knew that if she found out from someone else she would be upset by that.
when she was going through her IVF she was very nervous knowing that it might not work, the whole me telling her it will work.
your friend telling you all about her IVF is possible just her way of getting the worry out of her head that its not going to work.
My friends IVF did work, which was great as we were due a month apart and it meant we got to talk about baby stuff and compare symptoms and the size of our bumps.
I know you just want to talk to her about how well your pregnancy is going, but hearing about someone else's pregnancy when your going through IVF is not going to be easy. You never know things may change when she gets her BFP and it won't be all about her, it's will be about the both of you.
sorry if I seem blunt.

 

[fifie123]

No offrnce but it sounds like you are not taking her situation in to consideration. The thing she wants more than anything is hard for her to accomplish and it happened to u straight away. Babys will be the only thing she ever thinks about and she is obviously happy for you. It could be the oposiye and she completley unfriended u as it would be too hard for u but she hasnt. She has stuck by you.

 

[tddunn]

I'm sorry that you are struggling with these feeling, but I have to agree with some of the other ladies, that I just don't really see where things are going wrong. It seems to me that you are sharing your pregnancy changes with her, and she is just sharing her ttc changes with you. This is what friends do. I see this as being a two way street. Maybe just try to put yourself in her shoes, and see that just like you want someone to express your happiness, concerns, joys, and even fears with, she is too.

 

[suiteflower]

She sounds happy for you and would love to be in your position. I'm not seeing what she said was wrong…

 

[hopefulfor1st]

I don't see the problem your talking about something your excited for (pregnancy) and she's talking bout something she's excited for (ivf)
Sounds fine to me!
Friends with infertility can take pregnancy very badly but it sounds like your friend is being very supportive, but for some reason all you want is to talk about your pregnancy and she's not allowed to talk about what's going on in her life?!

 

[Hoping4peanut]

Dear original poster...

I also see where this is hard for your friend.

But I see how this is hard for you. I have also had friends who it is all about them all the time and it gets tough sometimes to be supportive. This is an exciting time and you want to be excited without feeling like she is going to bring up herself every time you reach out.

But it also must be hard for her. Do you have any other close friends who could be there for you right now? Because I get what you are saying and you need support too. And you SHOULD get to be excited right now.

Hugs

 

[LittleMum]

I don't see the problem your talking about something your excited for (pregnancy) and she's talking bout something she's excited for (ivf)
Sounds fine to me!
Friends with infertility can take pregnancy very badly but it sounds like your friend is being very supportive, but for some reason all you want is to talk about your pregnancy and she's not allowed to talk about what's going on in her life?!

That's not the case at all, I have spoken about nothing else with her except her situation.

Perhaps I didn't word the original post correctly as I was just about to fall asleep lol.

I do feel for her regarding the ttc and have been there for her more than her partner even!
I don't speak to her about my pregnancy on a regular basis but have been sure to make sure she's the first to know everything as think it would hurt more for her to find out from someone else.

You are all right, I have not suffered ttc problems before but I also believe that it doesn't make me want my baby any less than someone who has, which is how she sometimes makes me feel.

It's probably because she's a very emotional and needy person at the best of times and is known for only ever talking about herself, but I just wanted 5 minutes to share my pic with friends.
Believe me, once her IVF journey begins and she does get pregnant it will be ALL about her so was kind of hoping for a teeny bit of time for my bump first, as selfish as that may sound

 

[mysteriouseye]

She's probably just upset and doesn't want to talk about it

 

[LittleMum]

She's probably just upset and doesn't want to talk about it

I'll be sure not to mention it again unless she does anyway as don't want to upset her

 

[hopefulfor1st]

It seems she's happy to discuss it and wants to discuss her impending pregnancy too, sort of to compare notes. I'd say she's really looking forward to you 2 being pregnant together!