I don't sleep because I pump!

[TMonster]

Here is my story...
My daughter was born just over 7 weeks ago with a severe congenital heart defect. When she was born instead of getting skin to skin and putting her to my breast they took her to the NICU. As it turned out it was unnecessary. They were giving her a drug to keep her ductus open and then it turned out she was born without a ductus. Either way, while she was in the NICU they got her hooked on bottles.

Now... early on I had a MASSIVE oversupply. I don't know if this is because my breasts are now an M cup (yes, M, really) or because I naturally have more ducts or the red raspberry leaf tea I drank during third tri but my milk came in on day 2 and literally would double each day. I started pumping 1oz each session the first day, 2 the second, 4 the third... this kept increasing until I was pumping 10-13oz per breast during each session. This was pretty horrible. My breasts were constantly painful and leaking everywhere.

Now, I tried to breastfeed on day 6 but ended up with major logistical issues.

1. The baby was hooked up to monitors so the positions we could try were limited.

2. My breasts are so large that the weight of my breast would either crush her chest or block her nose.

3. My supply would come out in spurts. It would either squirt and choke her or not come out fast enough and she would get frustrated.

The advice I received was to try to decrease my supply which I did... a bit too well and then I had to increase it again but that was easy enough for me but now she just doesn't want to nurse.

She has a great sucking reflex but for some reason whenever I put her to my breast she starts to cry. I also have to attempt to nurse lying down and getting her into a good position is so much work and she gets frustrated and just wants her bottle.

She was also hospitalized for a week because she needed open heart surgery when she was 4 weeks old so I feel like if and when I make any progress it all goes downhill when she is in the hospital again.

The issue I have is that my life is now devoted to pumping. I am now producing a good amount 8-16oz per pumping session and I pump 4-5 times a day. The problem is, if I want to get the hind milk, each pumping session takes 60-90 minutes. I spend 5-6 hours a day pumping. If I decrease the length of the session I don't get the hind milk and my supply starts to decrease right away.

The advice I received was to try and nurse in between feeds when she isn't starving but truthfully, I am so exhausted from pumping that when she is sleeping in between feeds/pumping/changing etc. I don't have the energy to practice and if I can't practice with her at least 3-4 times per day I wont really make any progress.

I want to nurse to make my life easier but I don't have the energy to work on it and I feel like a horrible mother.

I wan't to continue pumping and feeding her breast milk but I am so tired all the time and just overwhelmed in general that everyone keeps advising just switching her to formula and I feel like as a heart baby she needs the breast milk even more.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I am trapped in a vicious cycle and I feel guilty for putting sleep ahead of working at nursing.

 

[sheldonsmommy]

What a rough ride you've had so far! How is your lo doing?

This is tough. I spend about that much time breastfeeding, about every 3 hours though and I get 8-10 ounces per session (when I pump on occasion). So getting about the same amount of milk... But I know what it's like to spend all that time pumping, and then have to bottle feed her, and cuddle, and change diapers.

Do you have people to help you feed her while you pump?

Maybe you could just practice nursing once per day? Just so she keeps the sucking reflex? Or pump out some of the foremilk so she can you can practice on the relatively slower flowing hindmilk? When she gets a little stronger, nursing may be a little easier as she can push away if it's coming too fast or whatever.

Just as a side note, baby receives most of her antibodies in utero and through colostrum, then continues to receive smaller amounts in breastmilk. But if you do end up deciding to formula feed for your sanity, just know you have already significantly boosted her immunity.

After all, a healthy mommy is one of the best things you can give her

 

[TMonster]

She is doing as well as I could hope for. She is amazingly strong, she can roll over, do mini pushups and has the most amazing neck control. I can pretty much seat her upright and she will hold her head up herself, its insane! She is babbling at me, batting at toys and does okay with sleeping although lately she seems to hate her crib and I have been a bit of a bad mom by letting her sleep in places where she probably shouldnt.

It turns out her heart condition is much more complex than expected so we ended up flying out to CA for her surgery. The ride has been intense. I mean REALLY intense. In her short 7 weeks we have had 3 hospital stays, 2 ER visits, a potential cancer scare (it was nothing) as well as tons of doctors visits, dozens of blood draws and lots of surprises.

Fortunately, for the situation she is in, she is in the best cohort. She will not need the more complex unifocalization procedure and hopefully if everything goes well her branch pulmonary arteries will grow nicely and she will have the hole in her heart patched up in Feb and hopefully this will all be behind us.

Right now she is on a diuretic and aspirin and she is having a bit of trouble growing because her caloric needs are 30% greater than a normal baby because her heart is working harder so I may eventually have to fortify some of my breast milk with formula but I really want her on the breast milk until she recovers from her second surgery.

She is only 8 pounds 14oz at 7 weeks so she is definitely small but she grew 8oz in the last week so its improving and given the diuretic, days of not eating before and after surgery/in the NICU etc. I think she is pretty amazing.

My husband does help with feeds sometimes but not as much as I would like. He doesnt do the overnight feeds because he "needs sleep" *eyeroll* but he will usually do at least one evening feed after he gets home from work and usually will do a morning feed.

I may be a horrible mother but I have pawned her off on my mom a couple of times (tonight being one of them because I feel like I am getting sick and don't want to take any chances) so I will have a chance to sleep, drink tea, take a long hot shower and relax a bit.

I don't mind spending that much time if it was just the breast feeding but its the pumping time and the time spent prepping and feeding and at least an hour each night washing and sanitizing bottles and pumping supplies.

I feel guilty that I never really had colostrum. I had a tiny bit of it before my milk came in and then it was gushing. having a 3 week old baby and producing 90oz/day was pretty scary. At least I have a decent freezer stash. It breaks my heart to think of how much milk I've thrown out just because I have too much milk and not enough freezer space but I am finally at a happy place with my supply.

I will try nursing once a day, I just don't know if it will be enough to help. It's so frustrating! Also, it limits my ability to go out. I know having a baby can do that to begin with but when I was at the airport or on a plane and needed to pump there was no way I could and that hand pump I got wasn't cutting it for me. Going to the park, the doctors office or even out with my sisters or at my mothers is hard. I find myself packing my hospital grade pump and supplies when I know I am going to my moms and I can pump there but wow is it a pain! Sticking a boob in a mouth just sounds so heavenly.

 

[Squiggy]

It's so difficult. I had a slightly similar situation where I felt like my entire life was being hooked up to a pump.
My baby was not born with any issues but I have soft/flat nipples so he never took to my breasts, I had to use nipple shields for weeks and pump in between. The first two weeks I suffered engorgement and even a bout of mastitis after that my supply practically vanished and I had to work hard at keeping it up plus had to supplement with formula which broke my heart but baby was losing weight.
As the weeks went on it turned into that I was supplementing the formula with breastmilk. I finally bought a better pump as a last resort but by then it was too late, after 13weeks I just couldn't do it anymore and the biggest reason was sleep deprivation. I cried for a long time about this because I was drowning in guilt. I hate formula, it gives my baby one problem or another, I can't wait to get him onto solids. I will always blame myself for not trying harder but I tried so hard to be a good mom, I just broke. We all have our limits and my body was suffering. I started cutting out the nightly pumps because I was so sleep deprived and once baby started sleeping so did I.
The only thing I can say is don't forget to credit yourself for being a good mom, so good a mom that you're breaking yourself. Just be careful how much you break because losing too much sleep will make you ineffective physically and mentally, it's important not to fall backwards when carrying the baby and it's important to be able to remember things. You know you're a great mom when you put all your baby's needs above your own and you know you're a great mom when you discredit yourself for not having super powers.
My post may not seem helpful but it's something to think about. I know how it feels to realize that you're not SuperMom. It doesn't mean you're not a super mom.

 

[sheldonsmommy]

After all you've been through, I'm surprised you have the energy to continue as you are.

It seems as though it's going to be about how much you are willing to endure for the end result of being able to nurse. It is evident that you will do whatever you deem necessary for your baby's well-being, just remember to prioritize your sanity fairly high so you can continue to nurture her through these surgeries. That's a tough thing to go through and your situation makes my heart hurt. But it's great to know she's a fighter

 

[ttc126]

You are a wonderful mother TMonster! Regardless of whether you end up continuing or not please remember how amazing you are! after going through so much, you are a champ for keeping with it!

My lo spent time in the nicu and was hooked on bottles too. He came home, got used to the breast, then i had to go have surgery and he couldn't be with me. So he got hooked on bottles again. It was such a pain going back and forth!

My suggestions and what helped us:
Try feeding with a shield. My lo kept his for 13 weeks, but i figured it was better than not being able to feed him.

Make sure you have a good pump. I use a medela and my insurance covered it as i had a nicu baby. Check with your insurance maybe? I know most plans now must cover them.

Try to hand express then pump. It can reduce pumping time. Sometimes, it can help you get more hindmilk. Check out Stanford hand expression videos online.

To make your milk more caloric, eat some ice cream! Seriously, eat fatty foods and your lo will gain better.

I hope these might help. I will be praying for your little girl and you! Hang in there! And if breastfeeding doesn't work out, remember any amount she's gotten is a benefit.

 

[Perplexed]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say that you are an amazing mom!!