I feel ashamed to say this...

[endlessblue]

Please don't judge. I have no idea if what I'm feeling is normal and just down to hormones etc, but this has been building up and up without me saying a word to anyone. I need to get it out.

My little girl is 3 weeks old tomorrow. We've had a hard time getting her to feed; I had my heart set on breastfeeding but she was having none of it, so we've had to bottle feed. She has bad wind, possibly reflux, so bottle feeding hasn't been great either, and she feeds every hour usually, just taking an ounce each time.

I never felt that rush of love for her at the birth. I had imagined that very moment for so many years, but I didn't even shed a tear. I don't feel the way I should feel about her and it scares me. I feel like a bad mother because I'm not enjoying parenthood so far.

To make matters worse, my partner doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with either of us anymore. In the first week he was amazing, a perfect father and partner, and I felt like my heart was going to burst with how proud I was of him. Now, it seems the novelty has worn off and I'm doing everything by myself with no help at all. He's planning on spending Saturday, one of his two days off in the week that he should spend as a family, travelling miles to buy a stupid lawnmower for his dad. My family are 100 miles away and he casually told me today that maybe I should spend a week up north with them and our daughter, then claimed he isn't trying to get rid of us.

I feel so alone...

 

[Melly Belly]

No judgement here, definitely! We also intended to EBF, but after the second night home of her screaming her poor head off in hunger, i broke out the supplementing samples from the OB's office..she sucked it down SO quick and was satisfied enough to sleep some, which was wonderful for me and my exhausted DH...

i also was crying at the drop of a hat, many times i handed her to my husband with the words "i just cant handle it right now...please help me" and felt like the worst mom in the world...i love my little girl, and it is better now...but it took time, sleep (she started STTN 10p to 6a at 6ish weeks...TG!) and a little pharmaceutical intervention to get me back to myself...which meant that because of the meds, i didnt feel comfortable with BF anymore...so we switched to Similac advance completely...but she had gas and loose stools bad, so i tried out the sample of Similac sensitive, and so far, it seems to help (DH has a lactose intolerance, so we think he passed on the "gift" )

I would recommend an angled bottle, it seems to help baby have less air swallowed...and definitely get out of the house a little...could someone watch baby for 20 minutes for a walk around the neighborhood maybe?...as for your partner, is it possible he might be having some anxiety himself about all of this? He might need to get out of the house for a little while and just have some time to himself that doesnt involve baby to collect his thoughts..i get out of the house a few times a week, usually to go to the store for something, but thats what i enjoy doing anyway

I think the first thing is to realize that you arent a failure if you decide not to continue to BF, i felt so pressured to BF and then tried pumping...but after an hour and only getting an ounce, i would cry and berate myself for it...formula feeding is perfectly ok, and two medical professionals have assured me that its not going to screw anything up ..and truthfully, the first weeks are the TOUGHEST thing i have EVER been through...this is why they use sleep deprivation as torture!!

Sorry this has been such a long response..i just wanted to share my experience with you, and make sure you know that what you are feeling can be completely normal and talking to someone about it or getting medicine for PND or anxiety doesnt mean something is "wrong" with you...if you need to talk it out, or if i can help you, feel free to PM me!

 

[steph.]

I never felt the rush of love for either of my babies when they were born. It was something the grew as they grew. I love them to bits now and sometimes look at them and feel my heart will burst. Don't worry about that part, you will feel it. Just give it a little time, you are not a bad mother.

Talk to your dh and tell him how you feel. He may think you are coping. If that doesn't work then go spend time with family. I spent 3 months with my parents after dd2 was born. I'm pretty sure dh was quite happy to get rid of us, but it was also very good for me and for our marriage. Once we were gone he realised how much he missed us.

The first few weeks are the worst. Try to remember it doesn't last very long, in a couple of months things will be much better.

 

[steph.]

Oh and about the breastfeeding...my lo decided that she hated it and refused to latch. I had many boob battles with her, of trying to get her to latch, her crying, me getting frustrated and angry. I did pump for a while, which was very hard and very draining. It took me a while to come to terms with ff, but once I did it was like a liberation. The guilt, sense of failure, frustration all went away and I realised that actually breastfeeding isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

 

[HBGirl]

Sweetie, my heart aches for you. I spent 6 weeks sobbing in the small hours because I didn't love my daughter at all. I felt nothing for her. It broke my heart and I felt so sorry for her. I thought it would just go on forever.

One day it just happened. I fell so hard for her its scary. The truth is, newborns are hard. They just take. Its OK to think they suck.

As for your DH, what a prick.

 

[tristansmum]

I echo the above. No rush of love with my first. Took a couple of months. I loved him because he was my son and I didn't want anything to happen to him but I wasn't in love with him. Then suddenly it changed. With my second it started from birth and it was a totally different experience!
The first time is so hard. No one prepares you for it. It will get easier x

 

[endlessblue]

Thank you so much for the replies. While I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone else, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone.

I did sit down with the OH and explain things to him. He's since been helping out more, but has gone off to fetch said lawnmower today, leaving me on my own with baby for at least 14 hours as he's also been at work. Think I might go a little crazy. I can't help but feel paranoid that maybe he's seeing someone else and this lawnmower malarky is a coverup.

Or maybe I've gone crazy already...

 

[MrsNorthman]

Hey, congrats on your new baby. I just want to echo what everyone else has said above, the love is there but it sometimes takes a while for you to realise but it will come!!

Also the first few weeks are truly hard word, with my first I was pretty shell shocked from the birth itself which was all natural, I just had to have a few stiches but I couldn't believe how much it took out of me.

I was also very panicy and a worrier, didn't help that my son also had reflux and was projectile vomiting after nearly every bottle, I was an absolute nervous wreck and just couldn't imagine how life would ever get back to some sort of normality. But hey it did, we got him on a comfort formula which cut out a lot of the vomiting, not all but a good bit.

I started to get to know my little man and every day I got a little less nervous and then at about the 3 month mark he started to get into a little routine and I knew what he wanted and when.

Also the first few weeks really are a constant grind of bottles and bottle washing and sterilising and feeding and just being exhausted, but that really doesn't last forever!!!

Defo get the dr. brown bottles and if you are still not happy with the way she is feeding and think there is something else, get her seen by a GP. Now my little girl was the complete opposite to my ds and she was little and often, felt like I was constantly giving her a bottle drove me insane.

Also as pp said get out for a walk every day if you can, I still have to get out even if its just to pop to Tesco to milk, put her in the pram and head off!!

This feeling wont last forever, I remember by hubby leaving us one Sunday when ds was about 3 weeks old and I cried the whole time he was gone, he was only gone to the pub for a few hours and was driving. But once I was more comfortable with lo things like that didn't annoy me!!!

Going to see your family might not be a bad idea, I had plenty of family around me and it must be hard not to have them round to help, could they not come to you for a few days!!!

Oh and don't worry about the bf, you tried and it didn't work, wont make a difference to your baby in the grand scheme of things, she'll still thrive!!

Hang in there

 

[Teri7489]

Hey, how are you feeling now? Things any better?

If i'm honest, when my daughter was born i just wanted to end it all. i had a traumatic delivery, didn't have skin to skin for two and half hours after she was born as i had to go to theater. I never got the rush of love but i was hospitalised for 10 days when she was 7 weeks old i knew i loved her and wanted to be a better mummy. I had spent weeks screaming and shouting, dumping her on my husband and walking out the door for 5 minutes to calm down. I think i was grieving my old life: watching films snuggled with my husband, going to the cinema.....but now i love having my family. I felt like i was being suffocated in this new life with this new baby but it honestly gets better and better. Its crazy thinking back at how much i just wanted to run away but now i miss her when she sleeps!

I couldn't bf either, she wouldn't latch and then i couldnt express as i was on strong pain relief which wasn't an option.

As for hubby, all you can do it talk to him. Tell him what you are feeling, he needs to know so he can help you. I don't meant to offend anyone but some men who are away working full time just don't understand how hard looking after a newborn is. Some think they have it hard having to go to work when you get to stay in the house and sleep all day. Explain to him that you need him there when he can be, and that you want him there when he has free time

Good luck and chin up. Things get better every day xxx

 

[endlessblue]

Just coming back to this thread to thank all of you ladies that responded as I am happy to report that eventually something did just 'click' and I now love my little girl to bits. I mean, I always did, but I was just so overwhelmed by everything. She still feeds often during the day which is tiring and I still haven't fully come to terms with not breastfeeding, but she's thriving and that's all that matters.

 

[StephtheHiker]

I am glad you're feeling better! My lo will be 3 weeks tomorrow and I am feeling the same way. It is soo good to hear im not alone thank you.

Although I've been pretty much pressured in bfing, honestly formula is almost as good especially if breastfeeding causes a constant traumatic battle. Do not beat yourself up!