I feel bad

[divadexie]

Oh I feel so guilty like I am doing something so bad but I want to stop expressing!

I just feel sooo exhausted and so fed up!

I got OH to drive me to m&s yesterday to get a new bra, because the one I have hurts my shoulder ats not proper fitted its just 'extra large' or whatever the size was just a general maternity bra from babies r us I think, well now I always got anoyed that my boobs were big before (it runs in my family apparently!) but I couldn't get a bra to fit! I just felt like crying in the shop!

Ontop of not being able to be comfy, and having to wear OH tshirts because the ones that just about fit me before pregnancy dont anymore, I am just so tired!

We have moved house 2 weeks on thurs. There is so much that needs to be done all the doors and skirtings need painted, the kitchen walls need stripped of paint and painted, new lino, all the rooms need painted they are all faded and horrible colours. I want all this to be done now, because I know damn sure we wont have any time to do it once madam comes home! Or even gets moved to closer hospital as it will be much easier n cheaper for me to see her.
My son has playgroup for 2.5hrs tues x2 wed and on thurs n fri, not much time for anything between dropping him off and this week I am lettiny my aunts dogs out she is off staying with my cousin in london her appendix burst.


I have had so much praise for doing so well, and people saying I am doing great expresing and being so far away etc, I have been expressing for 7.5 weeks now (admittedly not as much these last few due to being so damn busy!) and I feel as if I ought to carry on until her due date but I think I might go mad.
I am scare people will think of me if I tell them I have stopped what do I say how can they possibly understand how I feel?

One person comment me ''you would be feeding her every 3hrs though'' yes but she wasnt supposed to be born yet! I would have had all the time in the world to decorate allbeit with a huge bump but I would be up and down to the hospital and expressing already would I?! Then everything would have been ready for her being born and I would have had plenty of time to breadfeed had that been my choice.


Argh I just dont know what to doo

 

[AP]

Hey hunny

I know you have so much going on just now. I don't know how you manage to find the time tbh. I managed to stick it out til Alex got home but then it was far too much for me and I gradually swapped to formula.

Is there any nurses you feel you can talk to about your worries, maybe Jane?

Exclusively expressing is harder than formula feeding and breastfeeding, there is more work in it.

 

[embojet]

You have done so well expressing so far! I know my opinion may be contraversial because we all know breast milk is the best thing we can give our LOs, but I'm so glad I stopped expressing when I did which was only 4 weeks. I had a really hard time of it, there was only a few days when I produced any decent amount of milk and apart from that it was just drips. I used to sit there crying whilst I was expressing and feeling really guilty. When I finally decided to stop everyone was supportive of my decision, and I was sooo releived. If you've thought about it and it's what you want to do then you should, but make sure you are sure x

 

[divadexie]

Thanks
I have still been expressing when I have time, that alone makes me feel guilty like I can't make time for my daughter. I feel so pathetic the amount I get, not even 20ml, because I haven't had time to express every 1-2 hrs to build the flow back up again.
I keep thinking I will call the unit and speak to the nurse about it but when it comes to it I have no idea what to say!
Maybe I should wait until we go up at the weekend and give them what milk I have in my freezer and say I just can't manage anymore?

 

[x-amy-x]

You have done brilliantly hun... you shouldn't feel guilty.

I expressed for Darcie even though it was only 3 days it gave me a taste of how hard it can be. And how on earth you fit all the time in the day. Time you could be with your girl and your son you're sat pumping away. You've gave her so much already... like they say breast is best. But you need to do what is best for ALL of you... this means for YOU and for your family. If you want to stop I'm sure everyone will support you hun. Likewise, if you need help carrying on, just ask... i'm sure there's people on neonatal who can do that hun. Don't do it alone, it's hard work xxx

 

[katy1310]

Aww, don't feel bad You have given Anna the very best start - she has had weeks of breastmilk and she's had the colostrum which is the really important stuff.

You have so much going on in your life and something has to give. You have to think of your own health and sanity too. Being fit and healthy for Anna coming home is important too. You have been doing a brilliant job of staying strong, moving house, expressing, being there for Anna and wee Lewis and that massive journey.

I thought of giving up plenty times - even now I'm not sure about continuing to breastfeed. Lots of babies don't get any breastmilk at all but Anna has had lots. I know how hard it is keeping up the expressing when you have that long journey and when you are in the unit you don't want to lose any of the precious time with your baby to go away to that room! I never stuck to the every 3 hours thing the past few weeks, it was more like 3 times a day! I felt very guilty but it was near enough impossible to fit it in around the journey, visiting Sophie etc.

I would speak to one of the nurses, like Jane as SB22 says, or Roz or Moira.

 

[lizziedripping]

Oh hun, give it up if that's what's right for you amd your family

I had a 24wker and expressed for 6 months, but I was lucky in that my milk was always plentiful despite only expressing 4 times a day. I didn't express at all overnight, but my supply was good regardless. If I was only getting small amounts, I would have found it very frustrating.

I did express for 40 mins 4 times a day, have you tried a similar regime? Could that work for you? I have never expressed every 1-2hrs, I'm sure I wouldn't get as much if I did. I'm currently expressing for my twins because breastfeeding was taking up so much time, and I'm finding the same regime is working.

I'm telling you all this, but I still think you should give up if it is stressing you out - that's no good for any of you hun. You've done it for 7wks which is far more than many of the women I knew in special care. Well done you so far - just take the plunge and quit and think no more about it. Good luck with bubs btw

 

[divadexie]

Thank you for you replies
I had a struggle with my milk after I first come home it dropped quite a bit and one of the nurses told me a few tips to get it back again and it did work but things have got more hectic since!
I haven't even much time to sit and express in the day because I leave wee lewis alone and he gets up to naughty stuff! Lol
Will speak to the nurse on the weekend.
x

 

[Laura2919]

Oh poor you! You have so much going on!
I think if you feel like you want to give it up then do it because its best for you! My girls had expressed milk and then on the journey back to a hospital nearer us the nurse lost all my expressed milk that I had frozen! It put me under pressure and I got so stressed I ended up giving it up! they were put on Nutri-prem2 and we have never looked back! They were on it until we switched to cows milk in January!
If your not happy then baby wont be happy and thats not good. You have to do what suits you! Its hard doing it all!

 

[divadexie]

Well I had planned to wait until we go up on sunday and speak to the nurse, but when I called this afternoon for an update the nurse (I think she said her name was Jill) was so lovely and friendly and talkative I just told her.
She had asked me why some of my milk had F written on the lid, it was because I had frozen stuff to take up with me and didnt want it to get confused with the unfrozen stuff Lol
Anyway I said after that, that I had some more milk at home and then I think I want to stop expressing because I just feel so shattered with getting the house ready and being back and forth taking my son to playgroup etc
She was really supportive and said no-one (at the hospital at least anyway) is going to think bad of me for giving up and that it is my personal choice, I have done really well and now that Anna is on 50/50 they can just use to the end of my ebm and continue on pre-aptimil.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders Im just not looking forward to when my mum ask me again as I feel like she judge me for it!

 

[JASMAK]

Oh hon, I have never been in your shoes, but you shouldn't feel guilty for using formula!!! Don't even tell anyone, it's none of their business hon. You are a wonderful mommy and you are going through probably THE most stressful time of your life...the LAST thing you need to feel, is judged. Your princess is so adorable..can't believe how little but perfect her hand is. Everytime I see that pic, I saw "awwwwwww". Thinking of you. x

 

[Blah11]

People don't realise how hard expressing is for a full term baby never mind with the added stress of a prem baby. You gave her the best start so don't feel bad or guilty if you want to stop! X

 

[AP]

and just remember - its Preemie formula, so 'tis special!

 

[divadexie]

Thank you again everyone for your replies

I feel so much better now Im not thinking like ''ohhh I need to get back and express'' it doesnt sound like that much but I actually feel heaps better not worrying about it!

Not looking forward to my mum next making acomment about it maybe I will just tell her outright and get over with it. I just hate the way, well Im not actually sure what it is kinda like she is judging and being dissapointed im not really sure. But what the hell, the nurse on the phone I spoke to was really lovely so Im not going to let anyone put me down over this

 

[AP]

Na dont worry! What she got at the very start was most important, and formula will help her chuck on the weight now! x

 

[divadexie]

she is 2lb 14oz now Im glad I made that decision I feel better now

 

[bek74]

Well I had planned to wait until we go up on sunday and speak to the nurse, but when I called this afternoon for an update the nurse (I think she said her name was Jill) was so lovely and friendly and talkative I just told her.
She had asked me why some of my milk had F written on the lid, it was because I had frozen stuff to take up with me and didnt want it to get confused with the unfrozen stuff Lol
Anyway I said after that, that I had some more milk at home and then I think I want to stop expressing because I just feel so shattered with getting the house ready and being back and forth taking my son to playgroup etc
She was really supportive and said no-one (at the hospital at least anyway) is going to think bad of me for giving up and that it is my personal choice, I have done really well and now that Anna is on 50/50 they can just use to the end of my ebm and continue on pre-aptimil.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders Im just not looking forward to when my mum ask me again as I feel like she judge me for it!

I can so relate, only I never managed as long as you have. It was emotionaly just to hard for me and I was crying and frustrated and depressed. I didn't at all enjoy it.
The MW advised me to just stop, that I had given my babies the important beginings and that it is ok to stop. She also said it is important to look after yourself and your emotional state during this difficult stressful time.
I still get comments from people like " oh are you expressing?" or now that they have started 2 suck feeds I get " oh so are you breast feeding" I just responed by saying " No, with all the stress and emotional turmoil out lives are in, I just wasn't producing enough milk for my babies", that usually shuts them up straight away.

Some women with prem babies can produce plenty of milk and have no worries expressing, but others just struggle with it, whether they struggle with supply or with time and emotions it doesn't matter, everyone is different and you need to do whats best for you. You don't need to feel guilty, your not doing anything wrong, and 7.5wks is wonderful. My bubba's are on Nan HA gold and are doing amazing, they are gaining weight beautifully and are little pooping machines.

Sweetheart just do what you think is best for you, it seems you have alot going on.