I feel like a failure

[emeraldmoon]

Although I am not yet TTC, I already feel like a failure as I'm a sufferer of vaginismus and although I overcame this to get pregnant with my first baby, we didn't keep having sex after I got pregnant and now I'm all anxious again.

I overcame my issues with vaginismus by using dilators and going to see a hypnotherapist.

I also have another issue that I do not get aroused easily and I'm never really in the mood for sex. My DH suffers as a result.
When we were TTC first time round I had overcome my vaginismus to be able to have sex comfortably even though I didn't enjoy it much.

My hypnotherapist tried to help me awaken sexual feelings and help get me to orgasm but it never helped and I gave up as I just wanted to try for a baby.

I hate that I have vaginismus again and now I'm even more worried as I had an episiotomy when giving birth.

I know I just need to keep trying but it's hard to relax.
Having problems with my hubby as a result.
It doesn't help that we can't do other stuff as I end up leaving him frustrated which he hates. So it's basically all or nothing.

Sorry for the long story but just needed to get things off my chest.

 

[Curligurl]

So sorry to hear about your troubles...are you unable to get arouse by ANYTHING or just your husband? I don't know if you are into to it but for me, when my libido is low, I watch adult movies...it helps get me in the mood faster. Also I've read that doctors can prescribe numbing cream to help with the pain...

 

[CastawayBride]

I am so sorry you are going through this....do you have other reasons as to what would cause this, past trauma maybe? It might help speaking with someone to have someone you can vent and process this with other then your husband....Also (and this is TMI, and not trying to be dirty) but they sell pocket crotches. How about starting there, with your husband, to help him become sexually satisfied? I wish you the best of luck....

 

[Sabster]

it's not easy to go through these things, but it's also understandable that you probably associate sex with pain and not pleasure, so there's no real incentive to do it... ( from what I know fo your condition) I wish you the best of luck I'm sure you can work it out and talk to your husband about how you really feel!!

 

[emeraldmoon]

I've never found it easy to arouse myself.
Never really been into sex etc but l love cuddling, kissing etc with hubby.

I think I'm a bit of a prude when it comes to my groin area.
Probably to do with growing up in an Indian family where there was no mention of sex. The first time Mum spoke to be about it was after I was married.

I have been to marriage counselling and hypnotherapy which helped a bit but it's been so long now it's like I've gone back in time.

I need to find things that turn me on.. hmm..

Hubby has a sex toy which I brought him which is like a crotch in a tube but he prefers to not use it.

 

[bamluby]

First, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I just read another one of your posts. There are probably no words to describe the physical and emotional pain you have been through, but I am sending big hugs your way.

As for the vaginismus, I can see how anxiety-provoking that could be! Prior to my laparoscopy I had a lot of physical pain during intercourse. I had a polyp on my cervix, and endometriosis so any kind of deep penetration was not only not very pleasurable, but it was often very painful. I have also suffered from severe depression off and on, and that definitely affected my sex-drive. I know your situation may be different, but I can at least somewhat relate. It can feel very disheartening to have a low libido and not find much sexual pleasure. I know I also use to struggle with feeling guilty about not pleasing my OH.

Some of the other ladies have had some really good ideas. I am not sure what other kinds of things doctors can do, or if there is any pain medication etc., for vaginismus. Are there any positions that are more pleasurable than others? Are there other things that you have done that seem more pleasurable than others? I know when I was experiencing a lot of pain, oral sex was the most pleasurable for me (Sorry for too much self-disclosure). But honestly, it was the only thing for a while that could "get me in the mood" because it didn't hurt and helped me relax. DH was more than willing to accommodate spending a little extra time getting me aroused. (I am sorry, I am really not trying to be "vulgar" here!).

I would say keep trying new things, and communicate with your OH as much as possible. Sometimes they can take it very personally, so it's good to help them understand the problem is more complex than that.

Best of luck to you!!!

 

[amy8686]

Just wanted to weigh in on the vaginismus front, because this is something I deal with as well. Have you tried pelvic floor physical therapy? I worked with dilators for a couple of years and it only helped a tiny bit. But then I finally found a pelvic floor physical therapist and it changed everything! They specialize in exactly this type of thing, and they also know a lot about post-pregnancy complications if that's making things even harder for you now.

Trying to focus on making sex enjoyable isn't going to work until you have the muscles trained correctly, and having your own "personal trainer" for those muscles goes a huge way.

(I'd be 100% cured now except I have a weird hip issue that continually makes my pelvic floor muscles tighten. But it was physical therapy that helped me to understand that and learn strategies for coping with it.)

Hopefully there's a specialist in your area... your doctor may know, if you can't find one yourself.

Feel free to send me a personal message if you have any questions.

 

[dairymomma]

Have you tried seeing a naturopath or talking to your doctor about your libido issues? Maybe there's an imbalance (hormonally) that's causing that part of it and if you could 'get in the mood' more often it would help you relax? I know I've had hormone imbalances in the past that my naturopath has worked to fix and whenever they start moving back to where they should be, I start wanting more intimate time with DH. I don't know much about vaginismus but you say hypnotherapy helped at least somewhat in the past, perhaps you could revisit that now?