I feel like a failure

[BabyMaybe917]

I've posted on every breastfeeding support group I'm on and talked with lactation and things are getting worse. I don't know how much longer I can attempt and fail at breastfeeding. I've just spent the last 1.5 hours trying to feed my daughter for her to scream, scratch, push away and just completely reject me. Prior to that she slept for 2 hours and the feed before that was a nightmarish 2.5 hours of rejection before she finally latched and actually nursed. I don't even know if she was full or just too tired to try. I've given up as I'm sitting here balling and DH is giving her a bottle. I feel like I've failed her. I feel like I'm starving her. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I knew bf would be hard but thid cannot be normal.

The last week has been almost traumatic in attempts to breastfeed. She immediately begins screaming, pushing away from me, scratching me and herself. She will eventually latch but still fusses during most feedings. She gets 2 bottles a day with extra calories to help her gain weight. We can't change this.

She's also falling asleep during breastfeeding and won't wake back up until I lay her on her bed. She then wakes back up screaming and rooting and we start the whole process over again. Eventually she will just refuse the breast all together but still show signs of hunger and we have to top her off with bottles.

I am determined to make this work but it's getting very hard. I've talked with a lactation consultant who just thought it was frustratiom because the bottle is easier and a growth spurt. We can't change the bottles and it's been a week so I don't think it's a growth spurt.

It's getting to the point where I actually dread feeding her which sucks because that's not how it's supposed to be. But sometimes she'll nurse for 30 minutes off and on, need a bottle, then I have to pump still so nighttime is getting to be too much. With her falling asleep and being so fussy it's nothing to stay up with her for 2 hours just to get her to eat. I'm also beginning to think she might be colicy.

Sorry that was so long I just really would appreciate any input you have. Thanks.

 

[Sarah lo]

I don't have much advice but wanted to say that my DD did the exact same thing and to this day I have no idea what was the cause. It is so so so frustrating, I know. DD turned out to have colic and CMPI, I also suspect she had the same posterior tongue tie my son has but she was never checked for that. I also now understand that this kind of behaviour can be caused by a fast or slow let down so those are all things you could maybe look into

I used to find it helped if I kept switching sides the minute she started fussing. She would still fuss for a while and sometimes I'd be switching back and forth for ages but eventually would quieten down and feed. Also standing up and rocking her gently while she fed sometimes helped calm her.

I wish I had some better advice, like I said, we never did find out why DD behaved that way and never did find a miracle cure. I just hope it helps to know its not just your LO that does this

 

[BabyMaybe917]

Were you able to eventually succesfully breastfeed?
I can feel my letdown. I don't feel like that's the problem. She also didn't do this for the 2 weeks she was breastfed while in the NICU. She didn't transfer well but she was not frustrated like she is now.

I've also suspected a lip and maybe tongue tie contributing and will talk to her dr Tuesday. She also has a nasal cannula for oxygen that I think it's keeping her from being able to open her mouth all the way.

 

[LegoHouse]

You are not a failure and if you want to fix this then you almost certainly can. It won't be easy though. I didn't find breastfeeding easy either time. With my first I gave in to formula and I literally had to fight her off of it. I hated it
I felt like she preferred bottles over me
And in part I suppose this is true
They don't understand anything other than that a breast is slow and takes its time. A bottle will cure the hungry feeling in their tummy right away.

With my son I was so desperate not to give bottles again that even when he was underweight I still kept trying even when it was breaking my heart to see his little ribs!

This time I will go easier on myself. Yes breast is best and you want them to have the best start but I have two other children who need a happy mama bear and I can honestly say in the first 6 weeks of feeding both of them I didn't enjoy it at all.

It does get better but you've got to be prepared for some tears (mostly yours) and some trial and error. She isn't going to starve because she won't latch for 2 hours. Keep trying x

 

[Sarah lo]

Were you able to eventually succesfully breastfeed?
I can feel my letdown. I don't feel like that's the problem. She also didn't do this for the 2 weeks she was breastfed while in the NICU. She didn't transfer well but she was not frustrated like she is now.

I've also suspected a lip and maybe tongue tie contributing and will talk to her dr Tuesday. She also has a nasal cannula for oxygen that I think it's keeping her from being able to open her mouth all the way.

To be honest, no I wasn't able to BF my DD beyond 4 months. But that's because I made one mistake after another after another following bad advice from my family and a useless health visitor. However, if it happened again now, knowing everything I now know I'm sure I would have successfully BF her. Instead of getting her checked for tongue tie I started supplementing with formula thinking she would be more settled on formula, she wasn't. The formula made her even more unsettled and thats when she became colicky and the CMPI started to become apparent, my supply diminished and we had to switch her onto special formula for the CMPI and BF at night until I finally gave up at 4 months when I just couldn't take any more. Complete fail!

So that's what not to do lol. I would start with seeing her Dr and see what he says with regard to tongue and lip tie etc and go from there.

It is extremely difficult when they are fussing like that, i know, but do try to power through until you find the cause of it. x

 

[the why bird]

I don't think I can really give you advice because I have no experience with caring for a premature baby and can't fully understand the extra concerns and issues you are having to wrestle with.

I do want to offer some sympathy though. My daughter did this. We tried every trick in the book - constant skin to skin, feeding when sleepy, every different position, nipple shields, no nipple shields, feeding before she was hungry, waiting until she was ravenous, feeding while rocking and bouncing, removing distractions, starting her off with an oz from a bottle then switching out, etc etc. We went to BF support groups and lactation consultants.

I'm sorry to say, we couldn't salvage the bf relationship. One particularly awful day she went about eight hours refusing to latch, and I was so worried.

Tongue tie was part of our issue, and because it took five weeks to get fixed, she had picked up bad nursing habits and didn't want to learn another way. So please do insist they check thoroughly for that.

One thought I did have was this - would it be possible for her to have her high-calorie top up milk through a supplementary nursing system? The milk goes in a bottle around your neck and thin tubes lead down to your nipples so she sucks as though nursing and gets the formula. I don't know if this is a realistic or safe option in your case, but maybe something you could explore if you think getting used to the 'easy' bottles is part of the issue? They are a pain in the ass, to be honest, but some people have great results.

But why I really came into this thread: you are NOT a failure. Do you feed your baby? Do you wash her and change her? Does she have a safe place to sleep? Do you cuddle her and talk to her and love her? Then you are succeeding as a parent. Do not let ANYONE - not friends, or doctors, or the internet, or the little voice inside your own head - tell you otherwise. Being a parent is HARD. I'm guessing that you've already been through bigger and harder battles than most parents because of her early birth. But you're doing OK. You're coping. You're worrying about what's best for your daughter and that makes you a really good mother. Please, please don't beat yourself up. If you end up with a smooth breastfeeding relationship, that's wonderful. If you always have to combi feed, or express milk, or just flat out switch to formula, that's fine too. We don't always have the luxury of following our ideal plan of how to raise our children but we try our best, always, and that's what motherhood is.

Feeling guilty and beating yourself up will only wear you down and stress you out more. I'm sure if she could tell you, your daughter would say you're doing a wonderful job and she wants you to be relaxed and happy.

 

[Popples1]

You are NOT a failure. Breastfeeding takes teamwork and some babies struggle with it. I know how hard it is when it doesn't work the way you expect it to but don't blame yourself - you're doing a great job

 

[Lizzybee]

I just want to say well done for continuing to persevere with it. I think you are far from being a failure for this reason x

 

[noon_child]

My LO behaved EXACTLY as yours now is but at a younger age (although your LO is premature so I don't really know how it compares). We got past the worst after about two months of breast feeding. I'd say the things that helped me most were:

1)Hunger cues don't always mean hungry! - any discomfort in their tummy (wind, acid/reflux, CMPI etc.) will make them do hunger cues as they can't distinguish it from hunger pangs. Colic drops (max dose) and winding my baby every time she fussed helped me a lot!

2)Growth spurts last longer the more supplimentary formula they get. The LC could be right that you are going through a growth spurt. We got in to a cycle where she was too frustrated to latch so wasn't stimulating the milk she wanted, so she got more frustrated! Try giving a small (a few mouthfulls) of expressed milk via syringe if she wont latch. When she has taken enough to be relaxed but not full or sleepy try re-latching.

3)Breast compressions. When my LO started getting fussy towards the end of one breast, or if she started getting sleepy too quickly I'd do breast compressions to increase the speed of the milk and she'd start feeding better. If however your LO is more fussy at the start of feeds you could have overactive letdown where LO is struggling to breath/swallow (this could lead to increased wind and more hunger cues that aren't hunger)

 

[misspriss]

You are NOT a failure. Breastfeeding a preemie is HARD. I cried and cried and cried when LO was tiny, and he didn't fight me like you LO.

I wish I had some advice, but I just wanted to tell you that you are doing GREAT breastfeeding her so far.

 

[Maxy1]

I understand your feeling like its a failure, its so not.

Its hard to give advice without seeing how your attempting to latch on. If your LO is fighting you so vigourously it seems like there is too much room between her and the breast. Thats just me guessing. what does your LC say about your technique? What holds are you trying? have you tried a nursing pillow to help?

Small mouths are so hard to get a decent nip in and I havent had a premie and found it difficult and frustrating at times.

I believe it is common for LO's to fall asleep at the breast, try stroking her cheek or lightly blowing on her cheek to wake her. I take DD off when she slows down to a stop and burp her and/or change nappy to get her awake again.

With my first I had A LOT of nursing problems and I went through 3 LCs before finding one that could help me. Maybe try a different LC?

 

[BabyMaybe917]

We do cross cradle and football hold. She won't latch without a shield. As for the distance she's as close as she gets while still being able to breathe. She'll arch her back and push away and sometimes I can't get her hands out of the way to get her close enough. I've used regular pillows, a boppy, and my bresfriend. She has the same reaction. It has been getting better but still some issues to pan out.

I ordered a supplemental nursing system. I'll be able to use it instead of bottles as well as help her get a fuller belly without so much work.

I'm excited to try it but nervous too. I'm worried it'll effect my supply negatively because she may not get as much from me if she's getting the supplement. I'm also worried about knowing how much and when to stop.

 

[BabyMaybe917]

Oh and I've tried every trick to keep her awake/wake her. The trick seems to be laying her in bed...then she's wide awake!

 

[Popples1]

We had to resort to rubbing wet cotton wool on his face, it felt so cruel!

 

[noon_child]

... sometimes I can't get her hands out of the way to get her close enough...

Oh and I've tried every trick to keep her awake/wake her. The trick seems to be laying her in bed...then she's wide awake!

Yup this was my LO exactly! Honestly you aren't alone. I thought I might go insane trying to get LO to keep her arms out of the way...like actually insane. I needed three arms, one for each of hers and a third one to 'bring her to the breast'...and without that third arm she'd always squirm out of my grip and her fist would be in the way just at the exact moment her gape opened wide enough! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!

I swaddled her eventually to keep her arms out of the way...which of course made her extra sleepy...so I ended up undressing her, swaddling her top half, then once she was latched attempting to unswaddle her so she wasn't too warm. Then when she fell asleep on the boob (hopefully after a bit of a feed) she was naked so I couldn't put her down to sleep as she'd be too cold, but seeing as I knew she'd wake up as soon as I put her down anyway(!!), I'd decide to dress her (which would wake her) and then I'd swaddle her arms again and re-latch her for another feed. Then this time she fell asleep I'd try to put her down to sleep hoping that after two attempts to feed she'd be ready to stay asleep. Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't...but honestly putting her hands in the way was just a phase and it passed.

I can't imagine how hard this has been with a preemie as all the issues new mums face seem to be stretched out for weeks longer and it was tough enough with a full term baby.

I sympathise with the small mouth issue. My LO was 5lb 6oz even though full term and that was tough. You are doing so well!!

 

[misspriss]

Oh the arms! I remember that ordeal! He wasn't even fighting the boob, they just got in the way. Every time. Sometimes I'd have to call DH over to keep his arms out of the way.

My LO had to use nipple shields for the first 10.5 weeks. It was SO stressful to have to use those, but once we got off them it was good.

 

[Novbaby08]

My oldest did the exact same thing for the first 2 months before her dr suggested she might have reflux. He said it causes them pain right after they eat so its almost like their afraid. He prescribed an antacid and within a couple days I couldn't keep her off the boob. It was horrible before then she acted like I was torturing her. She screamed and tried to lean away and scratch at me and when i put her on there she refused to latch. It was such a nightmare