babycometome
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- Mar 8, 2012
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Does anyone feel like this? I cant even describe how alone I feel right now. I have a wonderful DH, understanding friends, no problems with parents or in-laws and I feel alone. Fed up. Im sat here and I cant even cry anymore, I just feel empty, useless and pointless. We've been trying coming up to two years now, for our first baby. Ive never had to go through the heartache of an MS or CP. I dont even know if I can get pregnant. The doctors cant find anything wrong with either of us. Everyone around me is getting pregnant. My SIL is pregnant, my friends are pregnant, my cousins and nieces are pregnant. Just that word PREGNANT. It used to excite me, make me think of a world of love and wonder. I tried the affirmations, my '''''''faith'''''' ha!, the visualisations, the PMA. Im fedup and I feel abandoned and betrayed- by myself, by my body, by god- whatever THAT is anymore, by all the hardship ive been through hoping that one day it would all cease to matter because Ill get to hold my child in my arms, by whatever force of '''''good'''' is out there. Ive posted on this website to others: have faith! be strong! be positive! dont give up! it will happen! blah blah blah BLAH. Right now people, I feel like punching myself in the face for the hippie happy flower power rubbish ive been spewing. God, im not even sure if Im angry. Im jealous and bitter that others blink and bingobango they're ''up the duff'' as THEY put it. You know what one person said to me when their newborn was lying peacefully in her arms? Youll laugh at this. They said, 'hes boring at the moment cuz he cant do anything but sleep'. Lucky kid. I feel like laughing hysterically at that. Boring huh. Who ever heard of babies being boring. Next thing you know several months down the line she was pregnant again, maybe looking forward to moving past the '''boring''' bits once the second baby is born- who knows? I was sitting in the garden yesterday, I'd 'come on' again along with all the WONDERFUL emotions that flood you when youve been failing at ttc and I heard the neighbours. The children are toddlers, couldnt be more than four or five and I heard the parents shout at one of the kids- actually swearing; 'stop f-ing this or that, f-ing do as your told, shut up!'. Funny, we live in a nice neighbourhood- but its just those neighbours- theyve always been nasty pieces of work. Anyway- there was that. I remember one time shopping in town and I saw this woman in a pair of see-through leggings literally dragging her two kids behind her as she stomped along, pushing a pram with another little one in it and heels high enough to rival stilts. One of her boys started crying, the next thing I know she turned around and gave him the loudest slap right across his face infront of everybody. The child must have been 6-7 yrs old. I was with someone at the time and I was going to actually give her a piece of my mind, but my friend dragged me back. Ive been a drug and alcohol counsellor before; Ive seen heavily pregnant women upto their eyeballs on methadone, heroin, crack cocaine, huh best of all -alcohol. One lady had nearly drowned her 3 month old by ''''''accident''''' whilst she was downing a couple of cans of lager. Ive seen mums on their mobile phones busy chatting away whilst their two year old is bouncing along five meters behind them next to a busy road, or running across a train station dangerously close to the track edge. Ive seen women talk to their kids in public like they were an inconvenient piece of trash that they had to keep in control.
I mean- of course- you see all the wonderful mothers too- the ones that dote on their children, treat them with love and respect, point out the birds and the butterflies flying past the train's window or the bus. You see the mums that point out the choo choo trains and hiding behind her peek-a-boo hands, the ones absent mindedly caressing her baby's cheek as she dozes off in her arms, the one's whose faces light up like the sun whenever they happen to get a smile from their child, the ones who dont bother answering their phone because theyve got their hands full with much more important things right now. You see that too. But somehow the ones that dont give a damn, the ones that treat their children like 'things' just in the way of their lives- they stick in your head. I mean even when we werent trying- they stuck in my head- always that question, why do they have children? But since we've been trying- I mean wow- the bitterness and hatred of these women- its horrible. And you know what the funny thing is? Im not a hateful, bitter person. I dont like judging someone whose shoes I cant imagine being in- im all understanding and praise and 'how can we work through this towards a solution' attitude. And you know what? I just dont care anymore. Im bitter and I admit it. It doesnt change anything, I know. Me being bitter and hateful and fedup up- although that f word is comparatively mild to the one I actually mean- wont change the fact that their are vicious women out there who still get to lie back and bingobango get ''preggers'' and Im not. lol. Well good for them maybe, they take it so for granted that they can use terms like that so off-handedly. Did any of you read the daily mail on these new 'breed' of pregnant women who now primp and prop themselves in readiness for delivery so they can look like supermodels after the birth? Apologies to anyone who's thinking of doing so...but it does seem to be just a bit of a joke. I guess if its been so easy for someone to get pregnant they can afford the indulgence in primping themselves instead of just being natural and focussing on remembering every detail of their child inside them, waiting to come out, preparing for their transition into the world. Like I said, Im bitter- so maybe who am i to judge! Im not even pregnant, right? What do i know anyway. Im not a parent, so what the heck do i know.
I see all this stuff happening and yet here I am, not pregnant. No baby for me. My body feels like a waste- again Im not trying to insult anyone here going through the same thing, Im talking about me, not anyone else. This is how I feel. I dont feel like a real woman. Why is my body not able to make a baby? If my body- the very thing that was created for life- cant make and grow a baby- then there must be something wrong with me. And if there's something wrong with me- I hate myself. I hate that im so useless and broken.
Ladies, I feel so broken.
I feel like im slowly convincing myself maybe whatever is ''out'' there, god, source, all that is- maybe it just doesnt think i deserve a child. Or maybe there's no god- its just us, creating our realities somehow. I dont know. Im tired of...I dont know, just everything. Wheels are turning so damned hard and theres no movement one way or the other. Man i dont even know what i hope to achieve by posting this.
How many times am i going to ask, why me? what did i do to have to suffer through this unending sense of purposelessness and this barren feeling in my belly??. You know ladies, my purpose is to be a mother. And as much as I know how honourable adoption is- deep down like some insidious knowing, I KNOW im meant to be a mother. Feel my baby toss and kick and move within me, feel my body transform for my baby, feel all of it, feel pregnancy, give birth, feel the pain, feel my child pushing out into the world- or being lifted out of me. And know my child came from me, that my blood runs through hers or his. That she is part of my body, that he is part of us.
Everyone says- give up, let go and it will happen. Give up and it will happen. At first I bucked at the idea- it irritated me. How can you give up and let go when all you want is this one thing and even when you're timing it perfectly right its not happening and expect that when you ''''give up''' it will magically happen because you'll happen to do it on the one perfect 24 hour day that you happen to be ovulating?!?!! It sounded ridiculous. Then months went by again and I wondered. And it still didnt happen anyway, the healthy eating, the exercise, the positive thoughts, i even stopped crying and stopped going into a spiral of depression everytime AF showed. I was ok for a while- and then it all crashed and burned and took a ride in a cyclone. All my composure and patience and self-trust went kaput. I ended up in a&e slap bang when I had just ovulated- couldnt do anything about it and the following week a fantastic case of thrush. Sorry for tmi- but hey every freaking month something happens just at the ''right'' time to put the baby making on hold. So im thinking just give up. What the hell. Whatever the heck is out there is trying its best to stop me from even trying, lol. so why not. im in my early thirties- time is ticking on. who knows- maybe I'll get pregnant at forty or fifty or sixty- because lady luck is so obviously on my side. In the meantime, all those made-to-be mothers can keep on tugging and shoving their kids at their convenience. God? what god? ive lost my faith- maybe the real thing ive lost is faith in myself. I have good days/weeks and bad days/weeks...ladies i think this is an abominable week. Or month.
Thanks in advance to all who've read through this 'uplifting' post! Not sure how I feel after putting all this out there. Still empty and alone- but if even one human being out there feels like this maybe... - i dont know what to even say. Hello- if you're out there. What else can I say? Lets feel alone and broken, together? Nah. Nothing can make it better but that child. And you know the funny thing- every night I'll still pray that I get pregnant- even without my faith. Cuz what else is there? How do you give up on something you cant help but want, need? Maybe im giving up on hope right now, doesnt mean I dont want that baby.
You know what ladies....some of us have already fallen in love with our children even before they are to be conceived. Can you imagine that kind of love? I dont love anyone like that, and I have alot of people that i love. But not like that. Ive never loved anyone like this, before they even came to BE. That must be what they mean by unconditional love. Do you think that's the lesson in all this? Who knows. Whats the point of it if all it does is make you resent yourself. Who knows, maybe we're suppose to love ourselves like we already love that baby, for it to happen...
Despite how rubbish I feel inside. I want every woman who is already in love with her first child to find themselves pregnant with that same child soon. I really hope that for you, for me. A child is a child...but I wonder what kind of a soul waits for the mother - and father- to love it so completely before it is even here...
Best of luck to you... x
I mean- of course- you see all the wonderful mothers too- the ones that dote on their children, treat them with love and respect, point out the birds and the butterflies flying past the train's window or the bus. You see the mums that point out the choo choo trains and hiding behind her peek-a-boo hands, the ones absent mindedly caressing her baby's cheek as she dozes off in her arms, the one's whose faces light up like the sun whenever they happen to get a smile from their child, the ones who dont bother answering their phone because theyve got their hands full with much more important things right now. You see that too. But somehow the ones that dont give a damn, the ones that treat their children like 'things' just in the way of their lives- they stick in your head. I mean even when we werent trying- they stuck in my head- always that question, why do they have children? But since we've been trying- I mean wow- the bitterness and hatred of these women- its horrible. And you know what the funny thing is? Im not a hateful, bitter person. I dont like judging someone whose shoes I cant imagine being in- im all understanding and praise and 'how can we work through this towards a solution' attitude. And you know what? I just dont care anymore. Im bitter and I admit it. It doesnt change anything, I know. Me being bitter and hateful and fedup up- although that f word is comparatively mild to the one I actually mean- wont change the fact that their are vicious women out there who still get to lie back and bingobango get ''preggers'' and Im not. lol. Well good for them maybe, they take it so for granted that they can use terms like that so off-handedly. Did any of you read the daily mail on these new 'breed' of pregnant women who now primp and prop themselves in readiness for delivery so they can look like supermodels after the birth? Apologies to anyone who's thinking of doing so...but it does seem to be just a bit of a joke. I guess if its been so easy for someone to get pregnant they can afford the indulgence in primping themselves instead of just being natural and focussing on remembering every detail of their child inside them, waiting to come out, preparing for their transition into the world. Like I said, Im bitter- so maybe who am i to judge! Im not even pregnant, right? What do i know anyway. Im not a parent, so what the heck do i know.
I see all this stuff happening and yet here I am, not pregnant. No baby for me. My body feels like a waste- again Im not trying to insult anyone here going through the same thing, Im talking about me, not anyone else. This is how I feel. I dont feel like a real woman. Why is my body not able to make a baby? If my body- the very thing that was created for life- cant make and grow a baby- then there must be something wrong with me. And if there's something wrong with me- I hate myself. I hate that im so useless and broken.
Ladies, I feel so broken. I feel like im slowly convincing myself maybe whatever is ''out'' there, god, source, all that is- maybe it just doesnt think i deserve a child. Or maybe there's no god- its just us, creating our realities somehow. I dont know. Im tired of...I dont know, just everything. Wheels are turning so damned hard and theres no movement one way or the other. Man i dont even know what i hope to achieve by posting this.
How many times am i going to ask, why me? what did i do to have to suffer through this unending sense of purposelessness and this barren feeling in my belly??. You know ladies, my purpose is to be a mother. And as much as I know how honourable adoption is- deep down like some insidious knowing, I KNOW im meant to be a mother. Feel my baby toss and kick and move within me, feel my body transform for my baby, feel all of it, feel pregnancy, give birth, feel the pain, feel my child pushing out into the world- or being lifted out of me. And know my child came from me, that my blood runs through hers or his. That she is part of my body, that he is part of us.
Everyone says- give up, let go and it will happen. Give up and it will happen. At first I bucked at the idea- it irritated me. How can you give up and let go when all you want is this one thing and even when you're timing it perfectly right its not happening and expect that when you ''''give up''' it will magically happen because you'll happen to do it on the one perfect 24 hour day that you happen to be ovulating?!?!! It sounded ridiculous. Then months went by again and I wondered. And it still didnt happen anyway, the healthy eating, the exercise, the positive thoughts, i even stopped crying and stopped going into a spiral of depression everytime AF showed. I was ok for a while- and then it all crashed and burned and took a ride in a cyclone. All my composure and patience and self-trust went kaput. I ended up in a&e slap bang when I had just ovulated- couldnt do anything about it and the following week a fantastic case of thrush. Sorry for tmi- but hey every freaking month something happens just at the ''right'' time to put the baby making on hold. So im thinking just give up. What the hell. Whatever the heck is out there is trying its best to stop me from even trying, lol. so why not. im in my early thirties- time is ticking on. who knows- maybe I'll get pregnant at forty or fifty or sixty- because lady luck is so obviously on my side. In the meantime, all those made-to-be mothers can keep on tugging and shoving their kids at their convenience. God? what god? ive lost my faith- maybe the real thing ive lost is faith in myself. I have good days/weeks and bad days/weeks...ladies i think this is an abominable week. Or month.
Thanks in advance to all who've read through this 'uplifting' post! Not sure how I feel after putting all this out there. Still empty and alone- but if even one human being out there feels like this maybe... - i dont know what to even say. Hello- if you're out there. What else can I say? Lets feel alone and broken, together? Nah. Nothing can make it better but that child. And you know the funny thing- every night I'll still pray that I get pregnant- even without my faith. Cuz what else is there? How do you give up on something you cant help but want, need? Maybe im giving up on hope right now, doesnt mean I dont want that baby.
You know what ladies....some of us have already fallen in love with our children even before they are to be conceived. Can you imagine that kind of love? I dont love anyone like that, and I have alot of people that i love. But not like that. Ive never loved anyone like this, before they even came to BE. That must be what they mean by unconditional love. Do you think that's the lesson in all this? Who knows. Whats the point of it if all it does is make you resent yourself. Who knows, maybe we're suppose to love ourselves like we already love that baby, for it to happen...
Despite how rubbish I feel inside. I want every woman who is already in love with her first child to find themselves pregnant with that same child soon. I really hope that for you, for me. A child is a child...but I wonder what kind of a soul waits for the mother - and father- to love it so completely before it is even here...
Best of luck to you... x
xxx
chin up hun and send on. Lots and lots of baby dust your way xxxx
