I feel lost...

[Carebearbaby]

It's 1.30am, I have work in the morning and I have had a fall out with my OH. We've been trying for 18 months now, we have just started to see a specialist and my OH told me tonight (on my peak day) that I want this more than him. I know that this time of the month is always akward, but I don't understand why he can't just get over that. I guess now I know why.

I haven't veen felling too great latley in my head, but now all I can think about is killing myself. I know that sounds really dramatic and I know in my head I am just being dramatic, but I just don't know what to do. I feel lost. Nothing else matters and I am so unhappy. I know I have put everything into this and I have not taken the dissapointment each month very well, but now I just feel so helpless and can't see the point of living.

He is asleep now, I can't sleep as there is too much on my mind. I guess I know the truth and don't want to accept it. I feel so stupid as in my excitment I have told everyone we are trying.

I never have time off work, but really can't go in in the morning if I have had no sleep. I really don't know waht to do. I just feel lost. I guess I have come on here for some reassurance, to know that I am not alone. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone, but I'd like to know that I am not the only one who goes through ups and downs with their OH and who is confused by what their OH wants. I am not religious, yet I can't help feeling that it hasn't happened because his heart isn't in it. It has been 18 months of tourture, sex has never been fun since we properly started, just a process and we can't change that - it is too late.

I don't want to see my friends that have kids (which is all but one of them!), I don't want to do anything now but hide from the world. I think I need serious help, but don't know who to talk to, my doctors are useless, I really don't know what to do.

 

[ami1985]

u need to go to ur doctor and explain how ur feeling chick...i know u probs wont want to take meds but it will probs help u for a bit...maybe some councelling to help you through this hard time..its someone outside of ur immediate area who you could take to and vent and get things off your chest xxxxx
I know how awful it is...Iwas TTC 3.5yrs...got my bfp last month and lost it nearly a week ago...all this stress wont be helping u xxxx

 

[Carebearbaby]

ami thank you for replying and you are right and what you have just said to me with what you are going through puts everything into perspective. 18 months is nothing and I need to chill out, take a break from it all and see a doctor. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through, I hope things work out for you xxxx

 

[ami1985]

im not trying to say anything about my situ chick...im just trying to help u huni i know what it feels like when u feel so low and worry ull =nenver have kids when i know u want it so bad..we all do...if I can do it after nearly 4 years you can too

Have a break from TTC for a few month maybe and just enjoy time with ur OH ...sex shudnt just be a race to get pregnant although i know we all feel it is at times xxxxxx

 

[Carebearbaby]

Thank you, that is exactly it - I worry so much that we will never have kids, that a break just seems like the worse thing in the world, but it is probably what we need at the end of the day. I'm going to pull myself together and try and get some sleep so that I can go to work. Thank you for your help I really do appreciate it xxxx

 

[ami1985]

ur welcome chick..doesnt help when ur tired makes everythign worse...if u ever wanna chat just PM me xxx

 

[MrsCompass]

Hi Carebare, I hope you are now in bed and getting some beauty rest.

I was feeling low today, too. I want a family so badly but it's just not happening fast enough for me. But somewhere on this forum today, wrote and reminded me that, my husband and i didn't marry each other just to have babies ... we married each other for US because we love and make each other happy. Don't be too hard on yourself. Few months from now, you will look back at your journey while holding your beautiful baby.

I think we all go through the emotional roller coaster ride. It's not fun. You're not alone.

Good luck with your Appointment and I'm sure you will find a lot of your answers from your Specialist. I know a friend who is also trying to TTC and they've been trying for 3 years now but they can't afford a Specialist. We're lucky, we have that source. Chin up. And be sure to open up about your feelings to your specialist, k?

 

[Carebearbaby]

Thanks MrsCompass -I am feeling a lot better today thanks to your support and my chat with ami1985. I didn't go to work, which I know is really bad, but I don't have a sick record and I really wasn't feeling well. I have used the day wisley to relax and have a good think. I have decided to ditch the CBFM for a while, book a holiday and try and enjoy life and as you suggest, just enjoy being a couple, because all we seem to do is argue these days and that is not a healthy environment to bring a baby into (even if the arguments are about TTC!). I'll still see the specialists and accpet all the tests that they offering and hopefully in the not too distant future it will happen - for all of us.

Thank you again for your help and wise words xx

 

[cooch]

Why not plan a few nice things for you and DH to look forward to?? DH and I had a couple of months of couple counselling (mostly due to my dislike of his
family). A lot of it was down to my unhappiness with our baby situ too though. It was making me selfish and irrational. We have now finished it and don't really fight at all now. We are much more considerate of each other. It is definitely something to consider.

What I can't take is when DH says hurry up and give me a baby (he's not being nasty), he just doesn't get how that f*cks my head up. We k now its problems with me that is the reason for lack of baby xx

 

[Carebearbaby]

It is really hard isn't it, just TTC is enough to mess up your head without any added comments. I think for us it is the other way round, my tests so far have been ok, although having a lap and dye in the new year so not in the all clear just yet - but my OH has had low motility in his semen analysis and he has taken it quite badly - male pride I guess.

We def need to plan a few things to look forward to as that is precisley the mistake we have been making, I have put everything into TTC - couldn't possibly book a holiday 'what if I got pregnant'!! Yep - its time for a bit of fun, a few weekends away, nights out even. We never go 'out' as I have decided that at 32 I am far too old and should be staying in trying to have a family - things really do need to change.

Thank you for the advise and hope you get your BFP soon xx

 

[NellyVille]

Having read through all the posts, I'm so glad you're feeling better. You're doing the right thing in taking a semi break from the TTC. I did the same thing, I lived my whole life around TTC and it was just messing me up so I ditched the OPKs, stopped temping and have tried not to think so much about the whole thing. Sex is now fun again (particularly this month as we're under orders not to try because I have lap & dye on 30th).
I do still find that it's always at the back of my mind. There's always a little voice in my head whenever I do anything that says "should you be doing this? you might be pregnant and it could harm the baby". But you can't put your life on hold. Hope we all get our sooner rather than later xxxx

 

[Carebearbaby]

Thanks NellyVille - that is exactly what I have been doing - putting my life on hold! It's time for some fun. Lets enjoy Christmas!! Good luck with your BFP xx

 

[LizMcD]

Sending hugs! I emphathise as I often feel the same plus my hubby said on my peak day yest that he wasn't in the mood Grrrr! We are supposed to be having dec off to chill n enjoy, which has helped a little although some days I feel like I'm cracking up!!

Hope you find a way to relax and chill, you will get your bfp I'm sure
Xx

 

[Ame]

I just wanted to say I'm glad you are feeling better and so many of us know how you feel. I agree that you should get away and relax I think I need to do the same thing.