I feel really selfish and horrid but this has been boiling up for awhile now

Discussion in 'Single Parents' started by thesockqueen, Oct 1, 2008.

  1. thesockqueen

    thesockqueen 3rd Trimester

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    Basically I feel as if I am either losing touch with my friends, deciding I don't like my friends anymore, or both! I feel really selfish as they were all there for me when things with my ex (the father of my LO) were really bad, although looking back on it all now they weren't really there that much at all.
    My best friend is in an abusive relationship. I have tried so hard to help her these past 7 months, but she just refuses to help herself. She lives with her boyfriend and if she was to leave would have to go into a hostel, or have 'nothing and no one' as she puts it. He makes her feel as if she would pretty much die without him, that he is the only one who really cares for her and understands her, and blindly she believes him. Just recently he tried to turn her against me, she tried to blame me for him hitting her. She apologised after I called her and defended myself, attributing it to 'just losing her rag' but for me that's not good enough. As everyone keeps so politely telling me, it's not just about me anymore, I have my child to consider, and I don't want this man around my baby. I have no qualms about my best friend babysitting, but only if she is on her own at my house, and right now I'm not sure if I can trust her to keep to that (I have not yet told her my proposal, I'm waiting for the right moment) if she will so willingly attempt to ditch me when her boyfriend clicks his fingers and says the right words. I know that deep down she is vulnerable and needs support instead of people turning their backs on her (Lord knows she's had enough of that), but I am one of the few friends she has left and she shouldn't treat me that way. I am vulnerable myself, but I am not too proud to ask for help, because I know I am in no situation to do so. Nowadays I rarely see or speak to her on the phone without having to talk to him as well, or listen to her try to have a conversation with two people at once. I never see her without him around, she always has something to do with him so I can't find the right oppurtunity to talk to her about this. I know it would offend her as well.
    I have another friend who is suffering from an eating disorder and other body issues, along with Lupus disease and general depression/low self esteem. I can't help her, I've tried, but she just throws it back in my face. She is another who just refuses to help herself. She indulges in the uni lifestyle, going out drinking and having many sexual partners. Considering she doesn't eat properly and is on tablets for her Lupus (and another unspecified 'potentially fatal' disorder that she hasn't told me the name of) she really shouldn't be doing either. It's like she is on a path to self destruction, she feels she deserves to suffer for 'not being pretty or skinny enough'. There's no point trying to convince her otherwise, she just doesn't listen and goes into one if you do try. However she has the nerve and ordacity to make judgements about me and my choices, and when I get angry about things. I have other friends who I have just lost touch with. They're the types that if they can't talk about getting pissed with you, then they just won't talk to you. I don't know if its just the hormones blowing everything out of proportion, or whether I am slowly coming to the realisation that these people aren't really my friends. All I know is, they said they would be there for me....and they're not.
     
  2. brownhairedmom

    brownhairedmom Well-Known Member

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    You do need to think about yourself. I know its difficult, my best friend is in an abusive relationship, my relationship wasn't healthy either - but I'm out and she's not. It isn't up to you to fix everyone's lives. They won't get help until they need it. Sometimes you just have to sit and watch them self-destruct until they realize it themselves.
     
  3. Mummy&bump

    Mummy&bump Well-Known Member

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    i second tht last comment! it took me 2 yrs 2 realise what my ex had turned me in2! no matter what u say 2 her jus now she wont listen, not properly anyway! shel hav the love goggles on! and even if she trys to listen shel only go and talk 2 him and hel convince her other wise! it took me far 2 long to pluck up the courage and move on away 4m him, shel b thinkin o he might change when we all kno he wont! i used 2 tell myself tht, 1 day hel wake up and go omg iv treated her so bad n change n b a n amasin person but he never did! the best thing u can do is sit tight i kno its hard being pregnant and all! but see when she needs u , shes really goin 2 need u! coz shel feel like she has nothing and thats where u step in !

    but u gotta think about u 2 hun

    xx
     
  4. LilFlower08

    LilFlower08 Me, Si and Our Kitten..

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    I agree, people only see themselves in the light they think is best!!

    It's there old saying where everyone else can se it and your sat there blindly!! Unfortunately people usually have to hit rock bottom and self destruct before they will accept help and know where they should of turned before.

    I lost my bestfriend to Pulmonary Hypotension in Jan 08 and i went into self destruct mode. Everyone was trying all kinds of ways to stop me from it and tell what was going to happen and everything to me seemed fine. I thought i was my old self, cheerful and bright eyed happy go lucky, when the reality was i was tunring into an emotional, party animal that never had a free time to do anything and i ran myself into the ground and burnt out one day... I was suffering from sever depression along with creating worse affects on my heart and lungs which im bound to for life!

    It was only then i got help and i know as much as it pained everyone around me to watch me struggle they knew whole heartedly it was the ONLY way i was gonna do things and the only way i knew how. I never cried and never moaned and smiled in all the right places but still struggled on...

    I know i've totally gone off subject but i know that it will maybe make you realise that you have to look after you and keep yourself happy healthy and always here for your baby! The reat will follow in suit and all be lead by your strong example.

    Hope you feel better soon hunny but remember to keep yourself happy... xxx
     
  5. Irishmum

    Irishmum Mum to Alex

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    Awww hun. That's rough. I had a couple of similar epiphanies while I was pregnant. You realise the type of people you want in your life, and the kind you dont. Before I got pregnant last year I was on the same destructive path mentioned regularly in this thread. I was drinking sometimes 7 nights a week. Smoking like I was trying to damage my lungs, not eating right, not sleeping. the list goes on. Many people tried to tell me, but I didnt listen, and even once or twice lashed out.

    Then I became pregnant and I had to stop all that. Once I did I was forced to look at the way I'd been behaving. Saw it the way other people did. In my case it was nothing to do with anyone else (In the relationship sense) it was just I didnt want to see it.

    Since then I've found myself looking at the people I used to do all that stuff with and thinking.........'my god....how sad' i guess when you find yourself living life right it can be easy to look at people who aren't and lose respect for them, but as was said before, you can also be there for them once they see the light they wont respect themselves very much for a while, and you can help get that back for you and them.

    I know its not much help atm :hugs:

    x
     

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