I feel so guilty/selfish for wanting a BFP *potentially emotional trigger post*

Discussion in 'Trying To Conceive' started by baby_nurse, Nov 20, 2011.

  1. baby_nurse

    baby_nurse Mummy to 1 little boy

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2011
    Messages:
    737
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hi guys I apologize in advance if this is a bit long and rambling I feel in a bit of a bad place at the mo.

    At bit of back story, I have been TTC since August this year and since coming of BCP have been having a bit of trouble with my cycles (long and anovulatory). Anyway Wednesday 16th just gone on CD 24 I FINALLY ovulated much to my joy and disbelief. For once my chart is looking like all the ones I envy on here...high temps finally, and I'm in a 2WW for the first time ever, which should be an exciting time for me. I know my chances of getting pregnant are slim but like all you ladies out there you hope wish and pray that this is the month. I lay in bed that night after BDing with my hand on my tummy praying for for a sticky bean like I'm sure many of you have.... however... all of this exploded in my face the very next day.

    The next day I found out that my best friend, who was full term, had gone in for a induction. Tuesday night her baby had been healthy and moving...Thursday morning... he was gone. She's had a sleeping angel this weekend called Noel. We are all devastated for them....I genuinely can't find the words to express how sorry and sad I feel for her and her husband. I feel numb and in shock myself and have cried many tears this weekend for her poor angel baby and for her. She will never be the same again and this will probably be the most testing time of her life. It goes without saying that I will try my upmost to be there for her as much as I can and support her through this difficult time.

    But I also feel so so incredibly guilty and selfish and like the most awful friend ever...because I still want my BFP so so bad.... I know this makes me a terrible terrible friend. If I was a good friend I'd put my TTC on hold and not wish for me to get pregnant because me getting pregnant is going to break her heart isn't it...and I know it will...yet I still want my bean to stick ... I feel torn and eaten up with grief and sorrow but also like I'm a terrible person for wanting this. As I lay in bed wanting my bean to stick she was losing her beautiful baby and I feel partiality to blame.

    I don't know how to think or feel... I don't feel I can talk to anyone (not even my husband) about this incase he thinks I'm selfish and horrible... please can anyone offer me any words even if they are "yes you are selfish!" so I can just try and get through this.

    Many thanks xx
     
  2. HanyouMama

    HanyouMama Mommy to a little boy :)

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2011
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't think you are selfish sweetie. I know it will be really hard for your friend, but reguardless of whether or not you get your BFP, it will still be difficult for her. You never know, maybe it will help her through her pain.

    Just be there for her as much as you can, but please dont put your family plans on hold. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to your husband.
     
  3. ashleynjay

    ashleynjay Pregnant with number 2

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2011
    Messages:
    218
    Likes Received:
    0
    I agree. You are not selfish at all. It would be big loss for anyone and hard for anyone to deal with. I know how you feel wanting for yourself to be pregnant. I have a friend that has no problem at all getting pregnant and it makes me so mad. I just know that the good lord does what he does for a reason. Like this other lady stated. Do not put your plans on hold. Just be there for her and do anything you can for her to try and make her feel better. That is something I could never dream of happening and I wouldnt know how to take it. All you can do is be there for her. I hope you do get your BFP and it is a sticky bean. I know it takes many people a long time to finally get pregnant and if its your time its your time. I completly understand why you would feel that way though.
     
  4. snoobles

    snoobles Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2011
    Messages:
    224
    Likes Received:
    0
    Oh hunni you aren't selfish..... just desperate for a baby like a lot of us here.

    Hugs.

    snoobs x
     
  5. Mindy_mini

    Mindy_mini Mum2b of 2 under 2

    Joined:
    May 3, 2010
    Messages:
    2,059
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't think a good friend would put ttc on hold. If we ran our life like this no one would do anything. Your friend will find it hard but she would feel worse thinking that her loss had caused you to put your life on hold.
     
  6. Tuberer

    Tuberer Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2011
    Messages:
    115
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'm with the others. You're not being selfish; you're being honest. Just be there for her if she wants you to be.

    If you do get your sticky bean, she should understand that you haven't done it to spite her. And if she doesn't, it's not your fault - it's because she's in a bad place (which isn't her fault, either).
     
  7. baby_nurse

    baby_nurse Mummy to 1 little boy

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2011
    Messages:
    737
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks for your kind words. I feel guilty that I'm thinking of myself when I should be 100 % focused on her. I feel terrible even thinking about symptoms etc and hoping for a bfp which seems to trivial to her pain but even though I feel such tremendous pain for her I still have my yearning there for a baby.
     
  8. readyformore

    readyformore Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2011
    Messages:
    4,885
    Likes Received:
    0
    No, you're not selfish.
    Your future pregnancy doesn't affect her future. She will grieve regardless of your pregnancy status.

    It is really hard to see someone go through a loss. I would imagine it would be even more difficult when it is someone you are close to. I work in ob. About a month ago, we had a 35 week loss, and 1 day later, a 40 week loss.
    It's so, so tragic. I feel for all of those families. And, it makes me scared for myself, that it could happen to me.

    You're not being selfish at all.
     
  9. Miaowzen

    Miaowzen Guest

    You're not selfish at all. :hugs:

    I lost my baby at 25 weeks and I had a good friend who was pregnant at the same time. She gave me emotional support whenever I needed it and I will never forget it. She gave birth to a healthy baby but she was not healthy herself during her pregnancy. Whenever I could I gave her support back.

    Sometimes something is taken from one and given to another and even though you would never wish that for your friend she will be busy working through her own emotions and on her own path.

    I am so sorry for her loss
     
  10. Try Rocking

    Try Rocking Mommy to Amira and Remy

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2009
    Messages:
    15,398
    Likes Received:
    0
    You're definitely not being selfish! You can still be there for her despite TTC and eventually getting pregnant. I'm sure once she has a chance to grieve and has had some time to cope with her loss she will be TTC again.

    I am so, so sorry for your friend. I can't imagine losing a baby :hugs:
     
  11. baby_nurse

    baby_nurse Mummy to 1 little boy

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2011
    Messages:
    737
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks all for your kind words
     
  12. Helena_

    Helena_ Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 19, 2011
    Messages:
    3,839
    Likes Received:
    3
    aww you are not selfish one bit! :hugs: we cannot make our life decisions based off of others lives. Going after your bfp does not mean that you cannot still be a good friend. Your friend will probably not want to hear much about your pregnancy so maybe don't go flaunting it on facebook and let her decide what she wants to know...if she does not feel comfortable talking/hanging out just yet let her know that that is ok and you are here when and if she feels comfortable. Don't offer any information on your pregnancy, let her ask questions if she feels inclined to do so. Let her be in charge of what happens with your pregnancy and in time she will heal enough to fully enjoy your baby
     
  13. ducky1502

    ducky1502 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2009
    Messages:
    4,330
    Likes Received:
    0
    It certainly doesnt make you selfish. All my love goes out to your friend hun :( such an awful thing to happen. Not something you should wish on anyone. But at the same time you still have to live your life, you still deserve your bfp!
     
  14. Miaowzen

    Miaowzen Guest

    You sound like a very loving friend and she is fortunate to have you looking after her. Some women go through this without any female friends. Husbands cannot offer the same level of support.
     
  15. ami1985

    ami1985 Guest

    your not being selfish sweetie i know how desperate you get when u want a bfp. It took me 3.5 yrs to get my first ever one xxx I cant imagine how your friend feels but dont feel awful cos you want your bfp xxx
     
  16. MissWhite91

    MissWhite91 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2011
    Messages:
    248
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hun that isn't selfish at all and I'm sorry to hear about you friend :( but you have felt like thi about your BFP before her sad loss and it isn't selfish for you to feel like it now. FX for you hun! Xxx
     
  17. jennahlou

    jennahlou Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2011
    Messages:
    631
    Likes Received:
    0
    its not selfish at al hunni.. i speak from experience when i say i know how hard it is. my sister gave birth to my nephew in may at 31+4 there were complications and he went to sleep forever just 7days later. i was soo upst and knew it was the hardest thing she ever had to go through but i still wanted my bfp! and my sister didnt hate me or feel worse cause i still wanted.

    just be there as much as you can 4 your friend even though there wont be anything you can do xx
     
  18. Roxie21

    Roxie21 Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2011
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Nope! Not selfish! =o) Just be there for her... there is nothing to fix! Sometimes we feel selfish because someone we love is hurting more then us therefore how can we complain?right? Or how can me move forward when our loved ones suffer? Well we are all in it together... Sometimes we are up and sometimes we are down... It's our job as friends to cheer each other on when were doing well and sit with them when their heart is broken. I feel guilty all the time because seeing ultrasound pictures of friends babies on Facebook makes me grumpy! This process is a roller coaster! Hold her hand and ride it out!
     
  19. Stellae

    Stellae Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2011
    Messages:
    659
    Likes Received:
    0
    Oh goodness, never think you're a bad person for wanting a baby. Your want for a baby certainly didn't manifest from what happened to your friend! So keep hoping for a sticky bean who'll tutn into a healthy baby, child, teen and adult!
     
  20. Bay

    Bay 2 boys and 1 DH

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2011
    Messages:
    693
    Likes Received:
    0
    I agree with the other posters. You are not a selfish person for wanting to pursue your dreams of having the family life you want so badly. You deserve to be happy.

    I'm sure your friend would want you to be happy and would not want you to make such a sacrifice on her account. But just be prepared for the possibility of an adverse reaction, as grief affects each and every one of us differently, and she understandably may not be in the right head space when you have your BFP. i am not saying this will happen, but just to consider it and be prepared :(

    Like another poster mentioned, maintain sensitivity towards your friend with how you handle news of your pregnancy (and ttc too). Perhaps keep it low key until she indicates that she is ready to handle news of your pregnancy (or maybe even the possibility of it), as it could be too soon and too painful for your friend to hear. Although i would avoid lying to her, and make it a priority to be sure you are the one to inform her of your pregnancy. She may interpret it as betrayal if she were to hear it from someone else, and be hurt by this :(

    All the best with your baby making. I think you are an awesome friend :)
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice