R
rubixcyoob.
Guest
I broke up with FOB yesterday.
I found out that when I was 5/6 months pregnant he told a girl he was single all night and kissed her all night. He told me she asked to kiss him and he pulled away and said no. She didn't know about me until after and she was the one who eventually told me, she asked me not to blame her and tbh, I don't. She just thought she was kissing a single guy, how can I blame her?
Then when I found out about this FOB told me that a girl he said he slept with before asking me out, was actually after
I wasn't pregnant ... but still, it hurts.What hurts the most is the lies. He made me feel so bad for doubting him nd his fidelity. Said I was paranoid. Said he wanted a paternity test because he though I had cheated. I guess it all adds up, he just didn't want to be found out.
He told me "okay" when I said it was over, then told me he knew our relationship had been over for weeks, this was it just becoming official. Tbh, we did have problems yes, I was in hospital, thought I had PND etc. and it was just putting strain after strain onto us. However, I did think we were getting better - hell the morning we found out he was talking about going on holiday for a few days to Paris, Rome, Barcelona etc for my 18th in March, just me and him. Then that.
He said in a way he felt "liberated" from our relationship now. We were too different and what not. But I did try and accommodate things such as religion into my life, because he went to church every Sunday. I tried to show him that even though our relationship started out purely as physical, it was the emotional side that meant more to me.
But no, it wasn't enough. He told me he would have said about the cheating eventually, he just didn't want to hurt me. He loved me and was sorry. He also said he didn't love me now.
Tbh, it wasn't the act of cheating that hurt me. You can kiss someone and have sex with someone with no feelings, no intention behind it, but to lie to someone you love, straight to their face and what not - that has intention and feelings behind it. Bad ones.
I always told him, right from day one "if he cheated and told me, maybe we could talk about it, but if I found out he cheated and lied we would be over". My ex lied constantly about cheating and I would not stand for FOB doing the same - you feel humiliated. He told me he wouldn't cheat, wouldn't hurt me like that. Promised me again and again he hadn't cheat nor wouldn't cheat. It was just words to him.
If I'm being honest, had he told me that he slept with a girl just after he asked me out I maybe would have forgiven him - we barely knew each other, didn't know I would get pregnant, everyone makes mistakes. If he had told me straight after kissing the girl he did I'd of maybe forgiven him, since he didn't cheat again from that moment, and at the time he was rather depressed about being a teen dad, not knowing how he would cope, what to do about money etc. I could understand that stress and drink leading him to that. But he lied about it. That's why I finished with him.
I'm crushed. I honestly believed me and him would get better, work it out for Joshua. I thought he loved me like I loved him. Maybe it was all too much for him? I'm honestly in bits. I did and do honestly love him. I don't want to see him just now because I know I'd just cry, then go right back into his arms - where I felt safe. My heads saying forget him and my heart's saying no, hold on, maybe it can work out.
I know I have to let him go. I can't stay stuck in the past, in a place where he didn't want me and I wasn't good enough. I don't know how to move on though. Sure I finished with him, but it doesn't mean I don't love him. He was honestly the first boy I loved and cared for. He opened my eyes to what I thought a relationship should be - dates, memories, laughing, cuddles in the middle of the night, everything. It feels like someone has taken my heart and replaced it with a black hole that's just swallowing it all up.
I don't know how you ladies cope. I really don't. He will always be part of my life - he still wants to see LO. How do you get over someone who is always there? How do you let go of them when they're just there, within your grasp but not quite? How do you let go when you know that when you see them you'll just want to close your eyes, hug them, kiss them and pray they don't let go? How do you do it?
