I hate my OH

[Beckic]

Sorry - I am about to have a huge rant....

One of my best friends recently got pregnant but sadly when she went for her 12 week scan was told that the baby had dies at 9 weeks.

It was absolutely awful for her - and it really scared me.

I was talkign to my OH last night - and I know that after two years of TTC we are on a long road towards actually getting our BFP and it prob wont happen anytime soon - but I still have that stupid TWW hope y'know - so I was saying to him that if I was pregnant I woudl really like ot go for a private scan each week from week 8 to 12 - because I would find it so hard to get to the 12 week scan with the thought that the baby may have died.

I honestly said that completely calmly - and just throwign it out there for discussion - and from NOWHERE he completley flew off the handle.

He said that he had not gone through 2 years of shit to then go through another 9 months of shit and if that was the case then I better go back on the pill becuase there was no way he was carryign on with TTC if I was goign to be just as mental when I got my BFP.

WTF!!!!

I was so shocked - I just wasnt expecting that kind of reaction.

My points are:

1. the term 'shit' - does he think I am enjoying this????

2. He is having a few problems at work at the moment and I have been nothing but supportive - I have told him to resign and that we will tighten our belts and try to cope till he finds work - I have even offered to get a second job to help. I dotn really want to give up my free time or shoppggn trips - but I will because what ever it takes to make him happy. Should it not be that he also wants to make me happy - and if a scan each week would stop me from being a complete wreck for 2 months - is that not worth it?

3. I just dotn understand why he does not feel the same as me. Surely if we did mange to get our BFP (esp. if we have to go through IVF to get it) woudl he also not be paranoid up to the 12 week scan?

4. To just say go back on the pill -does he not want a baby? cos if we arent both on the same page how the hell are we going to get through this?

5. my friend at work who is pregnant - her husband has completely wrapped her up in cotton wool since she got her BFP - he would never tell her she was mental. Why cant my OH be like that?

Am I being out of order here?

We havnt spoken since - and its really playing on my mind.


Bx x

 

[strawberry199]

BIG for u, hun...
I think your OH is just too stressful in his work.. He doesn't really meant to hurt u...

Just give your OH and yourself sometime to calm down..
Hope both of you will have a good conversation for this TTC after some time..

 

[pixielou]

Unfortunately, people say horrible things that they don't even really mean! He may be feeling frustrated with everything and guys can't talk about all their stuff. With our emotions whatever were feeling they are probably at a much earlier stage than us as they don't have as many people to talk things through with. Hope it happens soon!

 

[Coffee]

Awww,

Men are weird! They come from a different planet! They say silly things that they don't mean. I'd take it all with a pinch of salt. I know it's not fair of your OH to take it out on you, but it does sound like maybe things are just getting to him - his job and TTC etc. I wouldn't be surprised if TTC is getting to him more than he would ever admit. I find that in general men tend to bottle up their worries and fears a lot more than us. Don't get upset hun, i'd try and forget about what was said if you can and chalk it down to stress xx

 

[akcher]

Oh hun, men can be so hurtful sometimes. They don't have the maternal instinct of wanted to give birth to a child so they have no idea what it's like for us. I think he will go through a huge transformation once you get your BFP. I remember my step-father did when my mother had my brother.

 

[Beckic]

Thank you for all your lovely replys - you are right - I will put it down to stress and forget about it. There isnt really any benefit from holding a grudge really is there?

I feel loads better just getting it off my chest.

What would I do without you all!!

Bx x x

 

[hypnorm]

My Oh would have gone mental too if i suggested that i wanted a weekly scan, as they aren't cheap.
TTC is hugely stressful for both concerned and i think you both need a liitle time out from it for a while.
If he is having troubles at work that will not be helping too.
Once you get the BFP i think you just really have to try and relax and not get paranoid i know it is hard, but it is unhealthly to be that stressed about things and will only add to your BP and sickness.
Good luck.

 

[hayz1981]

You're not being out of order, I can totally understand why you're upset. My OH has said a couple things to me that have really p!ssed me off since we've been TTC - basically saying I'm totally obsessed and it's doing his head in (that was in response to me saying 'I know you're really tired and so am I but I'm due to ovulate so lets think about the bigger picture and BD otherwise we will miss it' - not very sexy I know, but that was after having tried the sexy thing and been knocked back for the second night running!).

Anyway, don't know if you feel the same but sometimes my OH just makes me feel like TTC is my thing and he's going along with it, but it's not 'our' thing. Not always I might add, a lot of the time it's great, but there are times when he's stressed out or tired and he just makes me feel like I can't tell him how I'm feeling or even mention TTC or anything, because he'll shoot me down and say I'm stressing him out. But to be honest, he only does it when he's stressed out with other things - and I'm sure its the same with your OH. I guess we all deal with TTC in different ways and that in addition to his work is probably just getting on top of him. I'm sure he doesnt mean it. It's just hard because it makes you feel like you're somehow a cause of the TTC stress, rather than being in the same position as him.

Dont worry hun, I'm sure he'll back to being supportive before you know it

xxx

 

[Farie]

Aww honey, they can be so insensitive at times, I would put it down to stress etc, rather than a personal attack at you.
My DF thinks I'm pretty obsessed too, and I'm sure he would have a thing or two to say about weekly scans, as hypnorm said, they aren't cheap.

Maybe just have a little word with him about the fact it wasn't very tactful to say what he said, and that it did hurt, but you do understand maybe weekly scans would be a little paranoid?!?

 

[Beckic]

You're not being out of order, I can totally understand why you're upset. My OH has said a couple things to me that have really p!ssed me off since we've been TTC - basically saying I'm totally obsessed and it's doing his head in (that was in response to me saying 'I know you're really tired and so am I but I'm due to ovulate so lets think about the bigger picture and BD otherwise we will miss it' - not very sexy I know, but that was after having tried the sexy thing and been knocked back for the second night running!).

Anyway, don't know if you feel the same but sometimes my OH just makes me feel like TTC is my thing and he's going along with it, but it's not 'our' thing. Not always I might add, a lot of the time it's great, but there are times when he's stressed out or tired and he just makes me feel like I can't tell him how I'm feeling or even mention TTC or anything, because he'll shoot me down and say I'm stressing him out. But to be honest, he only does it when he's stressed out with other things - and I'm sure its the same with your OH. I guess we all deal with TTC in different ways and that in addition to his work is probably just getting on top of him. I'm sure he doesnt mean it. It's just hard because it makes you feel like you're somehow a cause of the TTC stress, rather than being in the same position as him.

Dont worry hun, I'm sure he'll back to being supportive before you know it

xxx

I'm so glad its not just me - I think I worry that everyone else has the perfect husband and mine just doesnt care. He does think I stress about it too much - and tells me I am mental and when I get AF he cant stand it if i cry cos he says I cant do anything about it so I shouldnt get upset. We are just two different people really - he pretty much bottles things up whereas I am open about everthing. We've been together for 14 years so I should know that by now ! ALlo - i think if there were two of us in my house stressing about it - it would probably be a nightmare. I just wouldnt mind not having to drag him to bed every month - I would rather he asked when I was OV and made himself 'available' and I would prefer not having to drag him to a fertility appointment - where he spends the whole day moaning how he doesnt want to be there. He wants everything to be easy and happen naturally - and I dont know how to get it into his thick head that is is not normal for a healthy couple of our age to not conceive in two years and therefore we need help.
But i better stop - I am ranting again!!!!

Thank you for your reply sweetie.

Bx x

 

[aflight84]

Hun, i'm so sorry your OH is being like this but when we're down we always hurt those closest to us. Maybe he just needs sometime to get his head straight with everything going on at work. Maybe he's worried if you get preggers and he walks out of his job that he wont be able to support you both as he'd want to!

Men are strange things - one min adam is the one going mad about bding not wanting to miss the opportunity the next he makes out like it's a chore!

 

[Halle71]

I'm not long term ttc yet but at 37 there is every chance that I will be as we have only just started ttc and that is begrudgingly from my OH.

He wants to have children but thinks we can wait.
Don't get me wrong, he is the most amazing, loving, caring man I have ever met but he thinks I am being hysterical about my age (he is only 30). When we started to discuss tcc he told me he saw a news article about a test you can do to check the longevity of your fertility so I should do that and then not have to worry!! I went mental at him. My points were 1. would you really trust your future to such a test - it cannot be 100% accurate? 2. what if some medical condition intervened and damaged your fertility in the meantime? Shut him up on that one. Then I gave him the facts on fertility after 35 - the chances of getting pregnant each cycle and the chances of probelms. His answer - IVF. My reply - I'll be too old on the NHS to qualify by the time we know. His answer - we'll go private. With whose money? I earn more than him as it is. He wants three kids so I worked out a timeline, leaving a modest 6 months to get pregnant and 18 months in between to recover and it meant I'd be having our last child over six years from when we start.

So, he agreed to start trying this month and I am about to O and he is being awkward about dtd. I can't bloody do it without him. So my mission this weekend is to be calm, lovely and get him bladdered!!!


Sorry, this has turned into a personal rant, when what I wanted to say is that you are not alone. For everyone who has support there is someone with a more reluctant partner. Just keep in mind why you are doing this. You are doing it to secure both your futures and have a happy family life, not for the sake of having a cute baby which is what i believe my OH sometimes thinks I want. I sometimes feel embarrassed and ashamed about what I want and I have to check myself.


Hxx

 

[csmummu]

HI becks,

I just wanted to say, I have been where your friend was.. i went for my scan at somewhere between 12-16 weeks (sorry cant rember) and the baby had died at less than 6 weeks. Of course hubby and i were devistated. i must have cried for 2 weeks solid.

2 months later i was pregnant and i cried again i pooped my self.. i made several visits to the early pregnancy unit, because i was bleeding or discharging and they were more than happy to scan me and talk to me about that was going on with my body.

Sorry rambling im gonna point things.

1. These things do happen and ofcourse you will be worried.

2. hospitals are very understanding about expentant mothers being worried and even priortise them over in the a&e I waited about half an hour to be checked out.

3. if you have to ivf wont they keep a closer eye on you anyway?

I hope you and your OH get back on the right track... Maybe not say anything to him but maybe not TTC until he asks if your ovulating or is this the time or something like that maybe leave it to him for the moment..

 

[csmummu]

forgot to mention baby number 2 is now 3 years old..

 

[Beckic]

forgot to mention baby number 2 is now 3 years old..

Im so glad sweetie after everything you went through. I will let my friend know about your positive story - she feels so down right now.

And thank you for your lovely comments - I will try to be calmer - but when the bloomin witch turns up next weekend I'm not making any promises!!

Bx x

 

[loopylew]

men!! idiots sometimes x

 

[Beckic]

men!! idiots sometimes x

But yours looks so cute - I bet he is an angel - do you want to swap?

 

[csmummu]

Ohhhh man swap thread??? liking the idea..