I just want to try again :,(

[LilMiss_91]

And knowing that I can't is killing me
I don't want to replace this baby, not in the slightest. If I could change things and have THIS baby then of course I would. But I can't, and I know that. And I think I've come to terms with it.
But I need to replace this very bad experience with a good experience if that makes sense? I want to feel the positivity I did with my son, the inner knowledge that he was fine. The happiness of seeing him wriggling around, healthy and very much alive on that first scan. Because right now all that is in my head is the horrible feeling I had from the start of this pregnancy, and seeing my poor tiny baby lifeless in my womb
Did anyone else feel lile this? I feel guilty because I feel like it would be like replacing the baby I've lost, and also like saying my DS isn't enough, which of course he is, I love him more than anything. I guess I just need to hear that I'm not the only one feeling like this

 

[NavyLadybug]

You're not alone, LilMiss, not in the slightest. This is almost exactly how I feel. We're now TTC again after our loss in June (Dr gave the green light) and I've actually had people tell me I was a "horrible person" for trying again so soon because I "didn't take time to grieve and that I only want to replace the lost baby". Quite frankly I was already an emotional mess and I let out a slew of words that would have made my Sailor Husband blush! You know your feelings, your state of mind and your body. When YOU are ready to start TTC again, don't let anyone (except a medical professional if there is a medical issue) tell you otherwise or how to feel!

 

[lovemybubba]

You're definitely not alone! I feel exactly the same way. I'm desperate for it to happen again, to have a beautiful healthy baby growing inside me, like with my son.
I don't want to wait, I don't want it to take forever, I just wish I could take a test tomorrow and see those two lines pop up.

 

[tcinks]

I feel the same. It's only been 4 days since my loss, but I'm already looking to trying again. No other baby will replace my Selah, but that doesn't mean I don't want more babies! It'll probably take a little longer because of how far along I was, but hopefully not too long!

Don't let anyone make you feel bad for wanting to try again.

Lovemybubba, that is exactly what I want! Just to wake up tomorrow and find out I'm pregnant again! I know that can't be, though.

 

[LilMiss_91]

Thankyou everyone. I just feel so stuck, like I'm in limbo. My medical management I had last Monday has failed, so I'm booked back in to try again this coming Thursday. So here I am, still pregnant, and I've now carried my baby for 7wks since the loss, that's the same length of time I carried them alive so I'm stuck. I'm technically pregnant but all this time it's not going anywhere, not leading to anything but a sad ending. I just want to be able to move on with my life but I can't

Thankyou again for the support ladies, it honestly means so much to me to have so many lovely people to talk to during this time. to all of you xxx

 

[lovemybubba]

That must be so hard 😔 I'm so sorry.
I'm feeling a but shitty today, realised I would of turned 17 weeks today. I think I've healed loads in the 5 weeks since our loss, but some days it hits me again hard.

 

[LilMiss_91]

I'm so sorry for your loss lovemybubba. "Milestones" are definitely hard to deal with. Some of the pregnancy emails I subscribed to are still sending me emails despite me unsubscribing from them. Getting emails like "your pregnancy at 13wks" really is not very helpful at a time like this
I feel much stronger emotionally about the actual loss than I did to begin with but this limbo is making me feel very depressed. But at least I now have a limit because after the medical on Thursday I'm going to give it a week like I did this time. If it doesn't happen I'll get booked in for a D&C. Not the route I wanted to take but I don't think I can mentally deal with carrying this pregnancy for much longer.
Do you mind me asking if yours was a natural miscarriage or if you had to have any intervention?

 

[NavyLadybug]

Is it possible for you to go to the ER? They will often t'mes be able to do something for you to help it get started.

All mine were natural, the first 4 because they simply started on their own, the 5th one because I preferred to do it without help and privately, but that was simply my preference.

 

[lovemybubba]

It's horrible isn't it, I was still getting emails too, luckily none since unsubscribing.
Of course you can ask x
I wanted to go down the medical management route but my hospital said they didn't offer that, so I'd have to travel to another hospital, but I don't drive so that wasn't an option.
They said I could wait it out but I couldn't stand being "pregnant but not" if that makes sense. I had already went 3 days knowing that my baby had died but still inside me, I couldn't take it much longer, so I opted for surgical management. I was devastated that I had to go down that route but in a way, now I'm glad.
It was a quick procedure, and all the nurses were lovely and supportive. I had minimal pain after and a period like bleed. So healing was very quick for me.
However part of me still wishes that I could of had the medical management. Just because I wanted to hold my baby. For closure, so I could see every little detail of my baby that I had loved and still do for 3 months. But it all comes down to what is available and what is the best decision for yourself.
Surgical management still helped me emotionally because it was a chance to "move on" as harsh as that sounds. I really didn't want to have to wait it out for weeks, and then wait for the bleeding to stop and then wait again till we could start trying.

I really wish all the best for you and your partner. It's a horrible horrible thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Xx

 

[LilMiss_91]

Navy I'm booked to go back in for a 2nd lot of medical management on Thursday anyway so i doubt there's much more they could do to get it started. Also I would feel bad taking their time when there isn't actually anything "wrong" with me :/
I'm so sorry for your losses I would have rather it had happened naturally but it's been 7wks already and my body still hasn't realised anything is wrong.

@lovemybubba I don't think it's right that some hospitals don't offer medical management. It's the most natural route (apart from all natural obviously) and I think it's so important that in this awful situation where you feel like nothing is within your control that you can at least have control and decide which way you want to deal with it.
The waiting is that part that worries me. I've heard it could take a good few weeks for the bleeding to stop completely. And when all you want to do is deal with your loss and move on and try again that's not a very comforting thought :/ xx

 

[lovemybubba]

I agree too. I had researched all my options prior to speaking to the consultant, to be told I couldn't do it my way. But I guess you've just got to learn to deal with it 😞 xx

 

[Cornfieldland]

I'm so sorry : ( waiting so the worst. And I had all those same feelings. I wanted to be pregnant right away, but had to wait 2 long cycles to try. But when I did get pregnant 4 months after my MMC, I felt guilty for being happy about wanting a different baby. I was so use to morning the first one. Unfortunately, it ended in a chemical, but we are still trying.

Your feelings are all perfectly normal. It's a hard mix of emotions, and we will always miss our little ones. It's natural to want to be pregnant again and have what we lost.