I never knew hurt until now

[ATMOTHER2015]

Hello Ladies,

I recently just lost my baby boy. I have never been on one of these sites before and I feel so alone right now. My husband and I flew to PHX to find out the gender of our baby, because the town we live in doesn't have a gender ultrasound place, you have to go to your doctor. Anyway we get to the appointment and the tech was talking and laughing with us because at first we team green but as time went on I was team blue and my husband was team pink. we were excited this was out first child, been high school sweethearts, married 2 years ago, moved across the country from Florida to Colorado. WE WERE VERY HAPPY ABOUT THIS BABY. then the tech stop laughing and smiling, she couldn't find a heartbeat and baby wasn't moving. she tried to calm us by saying it could be here machine but to go to the local hospital anyway. we wnt to Banner ER, filled out paperwork, wait an hour, called to the back, the nurse use the Doppler and thought she found a heartbeat. then we went for ultrasound, tech said she couldn't tell us anything that the doctor has too. In my heart I already knew, my baby was gone. An hour and half later the DR. confirmed. My world stopped my heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach, I couldn't understand the doctor saying it could have happen yesterday or that day. My husband was trying to be strong for me and it was so hard on him. we fly back home at midnight call the on call dr. the next day they schedule my delivery this past Monday for 7:15am, 19 hours of labor, 400mg of meds to induce me that had to be inserted into my cervix. an epidural that was stronger on my right side then left side then my they had to give me something to sleep since I refuse to sleep. at 2:58am I felt a gush of something coming from me it was dark but I looked down and there was my baby boy laying there in the bed covered in blood and me screaming for a nurse and my husband is in shock. they had him so gently, so careful, it took another 2 hours for my placenta to naturally come out and the ambien they gave me again didn't work my nightmares made sure I relived the delivery. when it was time for the burial services it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Then the question did I want to see my darling son again, of course! he was so little so handsome, eyes, ears, fingers, just perfect only thing he was cold... I sung to him and cry to him. I miss Aaron... this hurts...

 

[sarah34]

So sorry for your loss, cherish the memories of your baby boy xxxx

 

[klabro]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Its been almost a month since I lost my twins and it hurts a little less each day. I'm here if you need someone to talk or vent with. There are no words that can take the pain away or make it better, just know that you are not alone. Hugs.

 

[babifever]

Very sorry hun, may God give you both strength.

 

[Boozlebub]

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

 

[mummy2o]

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my son Christmas Eve, so have been where you are. Take all the time you need to heal and just shout if you want to chat.

 

[Tink_]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you both x

 

[capricorn1]

I'm so sorry honey. Be gentle on yourself, allow yourself time to heal, it will happen in time.

xxx

 

[Wriggley]

I am so sorry for your loss!

 

[xxmyheartxx]

Im so sorry for your loss xxx

 

[Bushmumma]

Oh darling, I'm so terribly sorry.... All the sorrys in the world will not ease the pain you feel.
I lost my son in the same way, although I didn't endure the lengthy Labour.

I held him and smiled he too was tiny but perfect Harrion passed from a cord accident.


Give yourself the time to scream, cry ,yell, weep and talk - talking is so important having someone to listen is invaluable.

I rang my mum and she told my to wrap the teddy they have me in place of my son to take home, in the blanket that Harrion was wrapped in - cradling the teddy as though my son was in there and smell the scent of him and she hummed and sing to me then I burst out in tears crying at my mum over the phone for hours that all I want us my baby boy back!!

Why did he need to leave me mum?

She was amazing and after y hours of tears I had slows down, calmed down and these days I sometimes hold that teddy in his blanket and smile knowing that he is ok and I miss him.

This was on Dec 17 last year it does get better.

If you would like to chat, cry, scream I'll happily share my number with you via pm.

Hold on there huni ok xx

 

[vermeil]

*gentle hug* there are no words... Thinking of you

 

[fifi37]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Its been over 4 month since I lost my daughter. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. There are no words that can take the pain away or make it better, just know that you are not alone.

 

[Myshelsong]

I just want to reach out and give you a hug. We lost our son in a very similar way. We went in at a routine ultrasound and found out his heart stopped beating a few days before. We had no idea.
I was admitted into the L@D department and was given drugs to induce labour.
It was terrifying, shocking and utterly horrible. I got to hold him for a few minutes and tell him how much I loved him.
He was born last year Sept 24, and it took so long to start to feel normal again. Hell I still don't feel normal, I am living in a world of new normal.

I did find some great support online through a secret Facebook group. I found the strength to get back to work, to start trying again and am now about 15w pregnant. If you are interested in joining a grieving mother support group please message me and I will see if I can add you.

Again. I am so very sorry for your loss. There are no words that will make this pain go away, nothing that I can offer except give yourself time to grieve. Grieve loss of life, the life you imagined and dreamed about. Cry, scream let it all out. Get help if you need it and know you are not alone.