I still feel heartbroken

[Miss-Boo]

I struggled with breastfeeding for 10 days, my LO had trouble latching and just wouldn't stay latched on, every feed was hell. she'd end up screaming and I'd end up crying, I expressed for 4 days but made the difficult choice to FF.
nearly 8 weeks on and I still feel so heartbroken and feel ashamed that I couldn't breastfeed. I get so jealous and want to cry when people I know suceeded so easily.
I hate myself for not continuing to express and I even tried to bring my milk supply back but it didn't work.

has anyone else been through this? when does it get better?
I feel so guilty and I just want to feel the closeness of BF

 

[Tiff]

I had wicked guilt when I switched to formula with Claire. I thought I was dooming her to all the stereotypes that are associated with FF, and that I was a crap Mom for feeling that BF wasn't for us.

You made the choice that was best for you. Even if you had done FF from the very start, again, it was your choice. Please try not to feel guilty. Guilt is such a useless emotion, its so hurtful and damaging to oneself. So long as your bubs is happy, healthy and fed nothing else matters.

 

[NIfirsttimer]

awh hun.. its a difficult decision and one that most of us struggle with.
Ruby literally couldnt latch either, despite us being lucky enough to have lots of support... no one could figure out how to help her stay on, and her jaundice meant i had to start expressing, which then meant that she got used to the bottle and things were even harder when it came to trying to directly BF....
i was lucky enough to have a fast & plentiful supply so i was able to pump for 5 months,but at the start, and even then, at the end, i had the same feeling that you are having now...
there are a few things that i found helped me tho... we still had skin to skin at every feed.. i would often take her off to the bedroom if other people were there, strip off my top half, and snuggle up with her, feeding her as close as i could get her, and i tried really hard to still have it as our 'special time'
when i first switched her to formula i was racked with guilt.. no idea why, as i was still feeding her, and she was still growing and thriving as she had on BM... and you know wot... even if you ONLY gave her colustrum, for one feed only, then its something to be proud of, even one tiny mouthful contains all sorts of good stuff, so the fact that she had 10 days worth of your milk is something to be VERY proud of...
it does get easier with time, but you have to go easy on yourself, and keep reminding yourself that you tried your best, and are still doing the best for her... it might not be what you had planned before she arrived, but feeding her formula is better than trying to express / latch , not getting enough, her being hungry and you being upset.
big hugs hun xxxx

 

[faille]

Like said above, FF is far better for her if you're both much more relaxed about feeds and she's getting what she needs.

My BFing attempts ended up with my LO screaming, me in tears, my OH feeling completely helpless and she ended up slightly jaundiced and dehydrated which made me feel like I'd failed her - not the fact that I couldn't bf her, the fact that "I" had "done" that to her iykwim?

There's nothing to feel guilty about hun
She's still going to grow up happy and healthy, you will still bond and you can still have your special time together, nothing can ever take that away. You tried, it didn't work out, it's nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

Having my LO scream and cry like that and lying so lifeless for the first few days of her life were NOT worth one miniscule of the guilt I'd feel for switching to FF - I done it for her and I wasn't proud enough to not switch and see her get worse. People can think what they like of me for FFing but I guarentee, every single person who has met her, as a baby and a toddler always comments on how content and happy she is and I know we've got a special bond - that hasn't come from how I've fed her - that's come from how I've been a mother to her.

Please don't feel guilty hunny xxx

 

[Miss-Boo]

thank-you, it's so reassuring to know I'm not alone in this
I'm going through a really tough time at the moment, LO is really fussing at feeds and I guess it just brings it all back to when we were trying to BF
*sigh* we've just had bad luck with the whole feeding thing, she has reflux too but at least she's doing so much better on her gaviscon.

 

[Nic1107]

You're so not alone babe. Carmen never latched on once despite the support I had; she also panicked being held too close and had a "lazy" suck which was compounded by the fact that my nipples are completely flat (well there's more to it than that actually but I'm not keen to describe my boobs in detail on the internet ). Anyway, I managed to express for her for a couple weeks or so, until I had to go back on sleep meds because it got to the point with my insomnia that I literally hadn't slept a bit in days. We combination-feed from the start as she was jaundiced and small; I wasn't taking any chances.

She is a very healthy and happy 5-month-old now; hasn't been sick a day and we have a very strong bond. The colostrum and milk that you did give your baby is wonderful, and the formula she gets now will help her grow big and strong. It gets easier babe, it really does! There is a lot of support here from people who know just what you are going through too.

 

[bubbles123]

As the others have said, we've all been there! One of the most important thing I can say to you is - you made the right decision for yourself at that time. It's easy to look back on it now as your LO is older, you feel better, you are (maybe!) getting some sleep, you've recovered from the birth, your hormones have settled down... and say why didn't I try harder or pump longer? But you tried as hard as you were physically and emotionally able to at the time!! Think back to when you made that decision. You were (probably) emotionally and physically exhausted, hormones were all over the place and you did what was right for you and what you could cope with at the time. You cannot judge yourself for decisions you made under circumstances like that, you just can't. You did amazingly pumping for any time at all! Just getting out of bed was a struggle for me at that time!
So please hun don't waste another second feeling guilty! You did fantastically!!!!

 

[Missy86]

I know how you feel hun, I feel guilty bout it to but at the time it was the only way to go

 

[E&L's mummy]

Miss-Boo.....i can relate to some many of the things you have said and what has happened with your LO. i managed 10 days too, she did really well at it, it was me that had the issues. i started having panic attacks when feeding her and dreaded her waking for a feed. i expressed for a couple more days and did combim=ned feeding but we are moving house in 5 weeks and after hours and hours of talking it thru with hubby, we decided that totally FF was the way forward for us. only for her to end up with an ambulance visit due to reflux...felt so guitly for not contuning the expressing as she wasnt as bad in my mind on breast milk. hubby says she was but.....

we can only do the best we can at the time and make the best decisions we can at the time with the info etc we have. im so much calmer now when feeding her...i even look at her and talk to her now which i couldnt before. please dont feel bad for the decisions you have made for the wellbeing of both you and your baby xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[firfenwen]

aww hun! I swear I could have written that post word for word myself. Im still feeling guilty/sad/upset/jealous of others even now when I know that FF is the best (and only) option for us. I produced nothing at all, and despite all the help for days in the hospital it did not work. I was distraught as I hadnt even thought about the prospect of not being able to BF. I sat in the hospital bed and sobbed for hours. Even now, there isnt a day goes by when I dont think about it. I also feel ashamed and find myself making excuses especially when I have to feed in public. I hope the feeling fades - hopefully when LO is weaned.

 

[Jolinar]

Bless ya hon.

I had problems too in the end I pakced in the expressing as it wasn't worth the time I spent sat there with the breast pump when I could have been cuddling my baby instead. So I decided to stop and it was the best and most liberating decision I'd made so please don't feel bad about it, I know right know you feel a huge loss but it will get better, I promise.

huge

 

[Miss-Boo]

thanks so much girls, I actually feel so much better knowing we've all been through this and it does get better.
I just don't know why my daughter is fussing on her bottle at the moment, she'll drink an ounce or two and wont continue after i've burped her.
she'll just scream even though she's still hungry
I hope we can get past this.

 

[Jellyt]

thanks so much girls, I actually feel so much better knowing we've all been through this and it does get better.
I just don't know why my daughter is fussing on her bottle at the moment, she'll drink an ounce or two and wont continue after i've burped her.
she'll just scream even though she's still hungry
I hope we can get past this.

Evelyn has just started to do this too! It gets really confusing too because she can take upto 2 hours to take the bottle and then I don't know when to feed her again. She doesn't do it at every feed and does get enough within 24 hours but it's very time consuming and frustrating because she was doing so well!

 

[Miss-Boo]

it's soo frustrating isn't it Jellyt
I never know when to feed her again and she doesn't do it all the time either
I'm on the verge of taking her to the doctors tomorrow because I can't take it anymore.
But I've heard of alot of mummy's having this problem so maybe it's normal

hey I'm from leicester too

 

[bubbles123]

My LO did this too. Got really bad, we would both be crying every feed! It's stopped now though (touch wood!) so it does get better. And chances are if she's doing it on the bottle she would be doing it on the breast too! I never knew what it was/is though!

 

[Miss-Boo]

how long did it take for you LO to stop doing it?
we both ended up crying at her last feed, daddy has had to take her downstairs to entertain her so I can relax a bit

 

[karamel]

I tried BFing for 5 days. As with you, I'd attempt and baby would end up screaming and I'd end up crying. Half the time I'd start crying before I started to feed her, because I knew what was going to happen.
With Kalyn, she has a perfect latch, but I'm not producing enough milk, or not fast enough. So last night I decided that it wasn't worth the tears and heartache that I couldn't feed her, and switched her to formula. I felt last night like I'd failed her, but at the end of the day, I'm enjoying my daughter, she's happy and healthy and eating. That's all that matters.
Don't feel bad, nor ashamed. You tried! That's the important thing to remember. Sometimes it just doesn't work. You have to enjoy your baby. And remember, you can always still have skin to skin contact, which will give you the closeness and bonding you're looking for.
Hope you feel better soon love xo

 

[bubbles123]

It used to take 2 shots of infacol, Dr Brown's bottles and a lot of screaming to get any milk in him at all and he would be very windy throughout. Now though I have completely managed to wean him off infacol and he is much less windy but still use Dr Brown's just in case. This has been in the last few weeks really. So it does get better!

 

[Miss-Boo]

so, nearly 10 weeks on and the heartache hasn't faded. tbh I don't think it ever will, it'll always be there deep down
on the plus side Alexa seems to be stopping the fussing on the bottle

 

[Kai]

I breastfed exclusively for 5.3 months and had to stop because I needed to get back on medications to manage my bipolar disorder. I still feel upset about it (he's now a little over 8 months) because I had my heart so set on it. I'm also quite defensive if anyone makes a comment. It especially sucks because I never had any issues with breastfeeding- not even a chapped nipple! I feel like- and here's where the tears start- I already did him a disservice by being a medicated mommy and I couldn't even give him something that is natural.

I think it's normal to feel down when something doesn't go to plan and when there is so much pressure and a societal image of a "bad, lazy mom" who formula feeds. You did your best! You should be proud you gave it your all- your baby is so lucky to have you. I think you're fabulous, all of you.