I thought i was okay. :(

[sausages]

I know i haven't posted in here before, but that's because i thought i was okay. I'll give you some history anyway...

In October 2006 our son was born at 41 weeks by crash c-section due to a massive bleed i had. He was on life support for 36 hours, but died. We were pregnant again pretty soon afterwards, but our daughter was stillborn (unexplained) in September 2007.

After our losses we went on to have a gorgeous healthy baby girl in January 2009.

Now we're pregnant again and my c-section date is 19th October. I will be 39 weeks at that point. Up until recently everything has been sooooooooooo much easier than the last pregnancy. Last time - with our living DD i was terrified constantly. My brain could only just cope with being pregnant again and each day was a battle to fight off paranoia. There wasn't a single day that went by where i didn't honestly think that she was dead inside me, because that's what happened to my babies.

This time it's been so different!! It's like having her gave me confidence again. Like we proved the universe wrong or broke a curse or something. I even had a little baby shower and have been optimistically buying things for this baby when i darent do any of that last time.

Well, that was up until this past week or so. It must be with it being the last couple of weeks, but i am back to being scared. A lot. Baby wasn't moving much this morning and it was all i could think about. It was moving a little, but my brain was determined to make me think that it wasn't a normal amount.

Yesterday my mum came round and brought cat poo into the house on her shoe. The dirty bugger had shat right on our doorstep and poor mum walked it around every single room downstairs. We managed to clean it up and i got my carpets cleaned with her vax too. Also, i had a midwife appointment and she told me what to look out for and to practice scrupulous hand washing etc. But today i am terrified again! I keep telling myself that the cat might not have had toxoplasmosis, i might be immune, i might not have infected myself (i've been careful), it only gets transferred to the fetus in 20% of cases and also problems are quite rare at this late stage n pregancy. BUT, if something bad is going to happen, no matter how low the odds it's got to happen to us right? Our babies do die after all!

I took my temp with DDs ear thermometer and it was 36.8 c so not high. I also don't have swollen glands or anything, i just feel a bit queazy, but then i have felt this was for days and days now.

Plus, i can't go to the hospital anyway. I have the car, but i also have DD. DH is working some much needed overtime and got a lift to work, so although he would be able to come back of course it would involve getting lifts of other people and loosing his overtime pay. Plus they're doing redundencies at his work so he can't afford to look bad by taking sick no matter what the reason. My mum has gone shopping far away with her friend and my dad is disabled. My best bet would be to ring MIL, but she would have to come home from work especially and whilst i am sure she wouldn't mind i just feel bad when i know i am just being paranoid.

Anyway, i'm going to wait until DH is home at 4pm and if i still feel bad i'll go in then. I just wanted to vent it to people who might unfortunately know how i feel.

The other thing is that my c-section is booked for 39 weeks, however my consultant who is LOVELY said that if i was getting antsy in my 38th week i could go in and they would do it as an emergency for me. The closer i get, the more i just want to GET IT OUT so we know that everything's okay. The thing is that DD was born at 38 weeks and had to go to special care for a few hours due to grunty breathing. I wanted to go to 39 weeks because the risk of that decreaces from 2% to 1%. I know the risks are still pretty teeny, but it would be so nice to keep my baby with me.

But then i keep thinking whether those teeny tiny risks are really worth putting myself through the mental torture??? What would you do???

If you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading. It feels good to get it all off my chest.

 

[debgreasby]

Firstly

Secondly, if it ill make you feel better, go get checked out. I'm sure all is ok, but it doesn't hurt to check

 

[stardust599]

Hey hun, did you go and get checked out?

It's very very very unlikely that you'll have contracted toxoplasmosis considering how careful you've been. It's normally when it's on your hands and you transfer it to your mouth, nose, eyes etc. - the infection needs a route into the body. However, I'm sure the midwifes/doctors would completely understand if you would like to be checked over for your own peace of mind and sanity.

The c-section is a tough choice, as you've said it's only a 2% risk that baby will need help with breathing at that point. Your DD needed it and you got though it, the only that mattered is she was safe and well and you could see and touch her and she was all yours. Can steroids be given to you before if you do decide to go for 38 weeks to decrease this risk even further? Can you ask to be admitted for bedrest and monitoring between weeks38-39 if you decide to stick out the extra week?

Good luck xxx

 

[Beadette]

Just sending massive hugs. You've been through such a lot and are a very very brave lady. I'm sure if you get checked out it will put your mind at rest. All the best for the rest of your pregnancy! Lots of love to ya xxxx

 

[sausages]

Thanks for your support girls.

I called the midwives and they suggested i get a blood test done tomorrow when i am at my consultants appointment. This will tell me if i have toxoplasmosis. They did reassure me that the risk is so so so tiny, but they are appy to do the test for my peace of mind.

I'm also going to ask about my c-section date and see what they think about bringing it forward. I am swinging violently between two minds and i just wish i had a crystal ball.

The fact that my son's birthday and the anniversary of his death falls on the weekend between doesn't help. Will i be worse off still pregnant on those days or will i get extra sad if i have the baby beforehand and his special days are "overshadowed" iykwim?

Never simple.

 

[hb1]

Hope the blood tests come out good - am sure they will.

Don't know what to say about choosing your dates - it's a very personal thing and only you would know how you will feel.

If it was me I would wait till after but then it might be nice to be holding your LO.

hx

 

[Tulip]

What a difficult time you've had, I'm so sorry. Hope the bloods results give you some peace of mind. If you are still worried about movements, please do think about going in and putting baby on a trace. My local triage team have been wonderfully patient with my paranoia and had me in at half past eight last Sunday night to check us both over for cholestasis xxx

 

[sausages]

Well, i asked if i could deliver a week earlier and my consultant firmly, but kindly recommended that i don't. She stressed that the benefits of waiting that extra week would outweigh any stresses i felt between now and then. It gives baby a much better chance. I trust her a lot and hold a great deal of respect for her, so i told her that and we have left my date as 19th. It's less than two weeks away now anyway. And who knows! Maybe baby will decide to come along before than anyway!!

 

[sausages]

Oh, and i have the blood test paperwork for toxoplasmosis. I need to go in and have the test in about a week.

 

[marnie79]

hope every thing turns out ok hun and i think u are more than intitled to be worried or paranoid about things, totally agree with the feeling of wanting baby out sooner than later and ive got ages to go yet xx