i want a baby but hubby doesnt

[christina492]

I thought i'd introduce my life to you before i start. I'm 34yrs old and I have been with my husband for 10 years ( 4 married) i have a 15yr old son from a previous relationship and he has 3 children from a previous marriage 24yrs, 19yrs and 13yrs. During his first marriage he had a vasectomy as they had decided 3 children was enough. When we got together i knew about this but never thought we would last so it didn't't really become an issue. after a few months we got on really well but after he kept constantly reminding me that he didn't want anymore children we ended the relationship after a few years. This didn't't last as i had become lost without him we agreed to get back together and i decided that he was enough for me and thought that i could continue our relationship without children of our own, that was however until our honeymoon and he said how nice it would have been for us to have a baby together (silly thing to say to someone that is CRAVING fro a baby) this only set a trigger in my mind about him having a reversal. We discussed this for a few years and saw the doctors, they said we would have to go private, unfortunately we could not afford it so to say i've become frustrated is an understatement. However last year he was offered voluntary redundancy (this would take 6 months July-Feb 2012) which he grabbed with both hands, the first thing that popped in my head was that we could now afford a vasectomy reversal. Over the last few months we had been discussing baby names, birth ideas etc so to say i am over the moon is nowhere near. Finally our money arrived in February, yay. I was so excited that was until last week when we went out for a nice evening, i asked him if it was OK to book the Private hospital consultation and to my horror he said ' to be honest love, i like our life the way it is, and if i had a reversal i'd be doing it for the wrong reasons'. OMG i was in tears, i'd been waiting for this moment for the last 4 years and he just broke me in seconds. I asked him why he had been discussing names and things with me and he said 'i didn't realize i was encouraging you, REALLY?????????? is he that bloody stupid. The problem is i love him so much and we have an excellent marriage but my desire for a baby is just becoming too much and i know that i cannot continue my life without having more children, i've been broody since my niece was born 8 years ago, and that's like torture for someone as maternal as me. I am in dire straits as i don't know what to do next. My sister has a 19month old son and has now discovered she is also 14 weeks pregnant with her second and although i am a bit jealous i'm over the moon for her but i know that this is gonna kill me.
What do i do?
Do i stay in a marriage that is great and accept that i will never have more children, which may make me resent him in the future OR do i end the marriage and hope that i can find someone that wants the same as me.
Someone help me before i crack up

 

[Laura2919]

If you are unhappy and making you happy would be having another baby then you two do not work together, yes you love him and he loves you but that is not going to stop your yearning for a child together.

He was wrong to lead you on, he should never of done that. That made you think it was going somewhere which it wasn't.

The problem here is you cannot give him an ultimatum because if you say 'If you don't want to have a baby with me then I am leaving' and he then says 'ok lets have a baby' that baby is genuinely wanted by him and he has done it to keep you with him.

Its a no win situation but in all honesty if you can't get over your wanting another baby and he doesn't genuinely want another child its just going to tear you apart eventually so you need to think about what it is exactly that you want and are looking for in life.

FOB didn't want any more children but I did, but to stay with him we said no more children, when we split I knew what would happen later on in life. He would go on to have more children with someone else and so would I. That hasn't happened yet but I know that it will do, he has met someone who doesn't have children and no doubt will eventually want a child and he will give her a child because thats just how he is.

I think you two need to really sit down and think things through.

 

[Sarahkka]

Goodness, that is a tough one!
You kind of are in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation here, aren't you?

Does your husband realize what kind of crisis your marriage is in? Is he accepting responsibility for having led you on with the baby chat? From what you described, it is hard to believe that four years of those kinds of conversations (and agreeing to consider a reversal, etc) could be brushed off with "oh, I didn't realize that I was encouraging you". That seems like a huge lack of accountability to me.
Honestly? I think the best course might be some couples counselling. Get someone asking both of you the right questions and helping you figure out whether this relationship has a chance of surviving or not.
I am so sorry you are facing this! I hope you find a solution.

 

[angelic_one]

Didn't want to read and run... this is such a horrible situation to be in, my heart totally goes out to you. My advice would be to do a lot of soul-searching and seriously consider what you want to do.. have some couples counselling as PP suggested and just think about it... but whatever you decide to do, give yourself to your decision whole-heartedly, no ifs and buts, no regrets. Follow your heart and know that whatever will be will be x

 

[Mummy2B21]

I'm sorry your in this position hun, what is most important to you?
Have some serious heart to heart with your DH is there a chance he doesnt realise how important it is too you its a very hard position x