i want another - he doesn't!

[jacobs mummy]

Hi

Not suure if you all remember me! formally known as hayley on an old forum... anyway i'm now jacobs mum!

Not trying (yet) but didn't know where else to add my post. I want advice really! the thing is i want another baby (one day) but my husband doesn't. For the people who don't remember me... my husband is 18 yrs older
.. but lookin good anyway when we started trying we decided just the one! and i did agree... even thou i always wanted 2, but we decided to meet in the middle (he never expected to have one at all) Anyway - since having jacob i've started to re-think the situation. I don't one another right away. I'd like to start trying in 2 yrs. (want jacob to be the baby for a while longer - he's nearly 11 mnths old) - he agree's with me on this!

Am i being selfish wanting another? I can understand my husbands feeling. He wants to retire one day - like before he's 100! (he's 50 now) He's a wonderful dad - has more patience than he had when he became a dad first time around with his first wife! He looks after himself (gym at least 5 times a day - eats well, never smoked, not a big drinker) So physically he doesn't see it as a prblem. He just feels that he's gonna be working all his life to put 2 children throu uni... I've told him parents are not expected to pay the whole uni bill... I supported myself when I studying. We don't struggle paying bills - we both work full time! we don't have lots of spare cash but we manage. (holiday each year, a car each which we save up for) He says i'm not being fair to him going back on what we agreed which i know! but i can't help my feelings.

He says if we improve our finances greatly he'll consider it.. so it's not that he realy don't want another child... just that he worries finacially which i can understand... i really can't see our finances improving greatly in 2 years. We'll still have the same mortgage.. cars (which we need for work).. the same bills etc... so unless we win the lottery (might start putting it on now) it looks like i'm never gonna have another baby!

Am I being unfair.. a bitch for going back on what we agreed... ???

thanks for listening - well reading!

 

[Amanda]

Oh Hayley, I don't think you're being selfish at all. People are entitled to change their minds. For 12 years I was adamant that I never wanted more than just Kayleigh, and look at me now.

Is there no way that hubbie can cut down on what he does at the restaurant? Maybe employ a part-time manager? That way, so could spend more time at home, and it wouldn't be a mega strain on the finances.

If I remember rightly (and I know that I do! ), you went back work earlier than 6 months. So you are contributing financially as much as he is. Would your parents help you out with childcare for another child as they do with Jacob?

I know it's a lot to consider, and I can understand him being cautious, but you seriously need to listen to each other and not just listen.

 

[hypnorm]

He looks after himself (gym at least 5 times a day -

Blimey! and works full time lol

Seriously i don't think you are being selfish, but you both need to want to have another, i dont believe that finances have a great effect on kids, we are in our overdraft most of the time and yet are trying to another baby.
things will work them selves out.
I can also see your husbands point he feels he is getting older and wants to retire as you say, but if you can afford to put them through uni, then they have to take some responsibilty and get a part time job through studying etc.

Like you did.

Good luck

 

[jacobs mummy]

thanks for your replies... i think daily we can afford another... i mean they don't eat much! and we already have everything we need (from jacob). I think long term he's worried! (he's a real worrier and i'm a do it now type!) I can understand him worrying about not being able to provide in years to come but who knows what might happen! you could be in your 20's and find yourself in a situtaion where you can't provide for some reason or another. He just says he wants to be selfish (in a nice way) and have more leisure time than working every day. This is his second time around and he's done the struggling and going without before! His oldest is 22..

I think i could win him around but i don't want him to say yes when his heart isn't in it. I think that could turn a relationship bad... My plan is to try n save up over the next 2 yrs to pay for bill whilst i'm off on maternity. Pay all my little loans off and then sweet talk him... jacob would be then be off to school with a year... My folks are brillinat they have jacob 3 days a week.. I'm sure they swop and have the baby when jacob goes to school.. It's all about juggling!!!!


Oh yes he's a health fanatic... in better shape than his younger wife...

 

[Helen]

Hi Hayley

I don't think you're being selfish at all. How could you know if you'd want another one for sure before you'd had your first.

I think it's in bloke's natures to worry about finances, my DH was the same when he found out about the twins and he's still worrying about money. TBH I think it's their way of contributing something because there's nothing else they can do when we're PG and it's all out of their control. Dunno if that makes sense to you...

Good luck with your DH, I hope the two of you are able to agree.

H

xx

 

[bexxie]

Hayley it took 7 years for me to convince my DH for another and in the end I said another baby or divorce and I know it was an ultimatum but he is thrilled now,lol

I am not suggesting this at all but keep on and try to turn it around so he thinks it is his idea,we are good at that you know,reverse physcology. My DH says he feels bad that we had such a big gap now and cant believe what a good mum I am second time round (was scared with first one!) so you never know he may change his opinions.

Financially I can understand where he is coming from and it is the only thing i am grateful to having a big gap for as university for my 2 wont be so bad having 7 years breather after Chloe,but will still be weddings and first home deposit to shell out for. I would see if he can employ someone but then that costs doesnt it and I suppose he would feel redundant shifting it over for someone else to run.

Good luck and I hope things go well

You could even show him this post you wrote so he knows exactly how you feel.

Bex.x

 

[jacobs mummy]

haven't had a minute to come on since i last posted.. thanks for you all your replies.. wow Helen how do you manage to get the time to log on with new twins? hope your enjoying them. Are they good for you?

Well we have an improvement... he keeps talking about another.. no always in a god way! (if jacobs had a sleepless nite - he'll say "any you want another") seems like every day he's been mentioning it and i haven't once! so it's on his mind... this is how he comes to term with things... have to leave him to think about it on his own... anyway he called me at work yesterday to say things are picking up in his business and if it carries on like this i can have another baby... he quickly added "but don't go planning or shopping today"... he he... fingers crossed things carry on picking up...

x

 

[Wobbles]

Haha bless him defo righ its on his mind more. Well done you for not going on about it hehe

Much luck he changes his mind soon x x

 

[Helen]

.. wow Helen how do you manage to get the time to log on with new twins? hope your enjoying them. Are they good for you?

x

It's not the twins that cause me problems logging on... it's DH!! I have to wait till he's asleep too! Double trouble are being wonderful, just waking up once in the night so I'm feeling pretty good cos I'm getting sleep. Loving spending time with them, I am completely besotted!

All sounds positive with your DH...keep working on him!!