I want to be able to bury my baby. Please help. **UPDATE PG3**

[LilMiss_91]

If you've read my other post, you will know that I found out yesterday at my 12wk scan that I lost my baby at around 7wks. You will also know, that I had known for some time and suspected a MMC was the case. As it was something I'd suspected I researched a lot in the couple of weeks upto my scan to find out what to expect. And I decided then that I wanted to deal with my baby's remains properly. However, I'm going for medical management on Monday evening and after talking with the Dr found out that hospital policy is to send the tissue to pathology. Which means I wouldn't be able to bury them.
Would it be wrong of me to sneak the tissue home and not hand it over? Could I get into trouble if I did this? I just can't stand the idea of my tiny baby being either thrown away with medical waste or thrown into a big incinerator like rubbish. If anything was mentioned I would just say that it must have come away when I went to the loo or something. If I did this do you know how the best way to protect my baby would be until I got home? In water? In an airtight bag? It feels so bizarre to be asking these questions but I just want to be able to give my baby the most respectful, peaceful departure I can. My idea is to make a little soft blankie pouch to put the remains in, find a picture of myself OH and DS, a tiny teddy and write a little note and put them all in a nice little box and bury it. Over which I'll plant a rose.

 

[Blu10]

Sorry again for your losd hun. Are you in the UK? The hospital I work at offers funerals/ rememberance aervice for any embryo/fetus from 7 weeks gestation x

 

[lilmisscaviar]

I think it is wonderful that you want to do this. I did this with my first natural mc. I placed a rock above its little grave and buried it alongside my beloved pets that had passed. I wanted to do it with my D&C but at my hospital they also take the tissue away for pathology to make sure they got everything out. With my second natural mc, which happened just this past Sunday, I wasn't able to find the sac. It could have been at the very bottom of the toilet though and I had nothing to help me fish it out or I would have. I think you should definitely try to bury the baby, if you can. Maybe you could ask them if you can have it after they look at the tissue? It might make it feel more 'real' and help you come to terms with what has happened. Good luck and all the hugs in the world to you!

 

[Spudtastic]

Lilmiss - Once again, sorry for your loss. I think it's really nice that you want to bury your little one. Does the hospital return the baby after they send it for testing? When i had my erpc I had to option to get my baby back. Sadly she's still in the freezer in a silver box waiting for spring when I can plant a tree.
You know, I would take a little plastic jar or something with you just in case. You never need tell them.
I had a natural miscarriage at 5 weeks and 8 weeks. Whilst the 5 week one was like a heavy period the 8 week one was like a less painful birth but I couldn't really tell what was the sac, and like lilmiscaviar said the sac/clots fell straight to the bottom of the toilet. I did read on one post that a lady bought a small strainer and put that on the toilet so she could pass everything through it. I read that before my erpc and after my natural miscarriages but you know, I'm not sure I have the stomach to do something like that.

I'm on here because I'm having a bad feeling about this pregnacy too. I don't know what I'll do if I have another mmc here.

I wish you all the best with your medical management.

 

[LilMiss_91]

Thankyou so much for your kind replies ladies. For some reason I was expecting you all to think I was completely mad! I know I technically miscarried very early but I've carried this baby for nearly 6 extra weeks so I kind of feel like I've only just miscarried... if that makes sense. Because I've been pregnant for nearly double the time my baby was actually alive :,(

@Blu Yes I'm in the UK but I haven't been offered any such service. I was just told that the protocol my hospital follows is sending the tissue to pathology and that was it x

@lilmisscaviarI'm so sorry for your losses hun I'm a bit scared to ask them if I can have it back after testing because if they say I can't and then I tell them it must have come away in the toilet they'll be kind of suspicious :/
That is a lovely thing you did for your baby. They're probably in heaven playing with you beloved pets as we speak
I just don't understand why they have to take everything away for testing when if you have a natural miscarriage you can go through it at home and not have any interference at all xx

@Spud Thankyou, your post actually made me feel much more positive. At least you know your baby is safe at home with you and that she will have a respectful burial when you are able. Like I said to a previous poster, my hospital hasn't mentioned anything about getting the baby back and it didn't say anything about it in the information leaflet they gave me either.
I actually think the strainer idea is pretty good. I'm so scared of it actually coming away in the toilet and not being able to retrieve it I have 3 strainers so I'm sure I can spare one of them. If it makes the difference then it'll be worth it.

I hope your bad feeling isn't based on any truth Spud, I really do do you have bloods or a scan booked soon to put your mind at rest?

I'm absolutely dreading going through this on my own. It's going to be so hard . And it feels so wrong to be packing what pretty much equates to a hospital bag knowing I won't be bringing my baby home :,( xx

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

With my m/c in 2009 at 6w, i had the baby at home. I didnt know when of course it would happen but i got up to go pee and out he came in his little sac. I got a plastic sandwich bag and scooped him out of the toilet. Then I took him out of there and held him and even took pictures.
Then put him back in the bag and went to the OB ( i had an appointment already). I called before and asked " I just had my baby, should i bring it in?" and they said yes.

When i got there, the OB looked at the baby and me. Then i asked for my baby back, he said yes and then i asked for a better container and they have me one of those plastic pee cups. I WISH looking back i had weighed the cup with him in it because thats the only info i dont have is how much he weighed.

Then i went home and buried him a few days later but the plant died so i took the soil and put it in a container that i put inside a Build A Bear.

Wylder was born 9/23/09 at 9:44am

 

[Blu10]

I had a D&C in feb and my local hospital mentioned they would send a sample of baby to exclude a molar pregnancy and would then dispose of the rest of the tissue, I wasnt offered any service ut I know we do at work so ita worth asking if thats what you want. I felt for me that that would drag the process out for another few weeks. It was my second loss and i always remember my angel babies on the day of the loss and key milestones etc. Good luck x

 

[LilMiss_91]

I'm just waiting for my OH to pick me up from hospital. I had to have 2 lots of medication as the bleeding only just started before my examination following the first lot of medication.
Pain has been minimal, bleeding has been on and off mainly just liquid with a few small clots. I passed something which I'm hoping was just one of the pessaries as it was sort of hard but on closer inspection (I used gloves and tried to rinse the blood off, sorry for TMI) it was almost... crumbly and whiteish/yellow. I hope it was just one of the pessaries. I thought it might have been the baby when it came out as it was shaped sort of like an 8 but I don't think it could have been.
Anyway, I'm being sent home to carry on and I was told the bleeding may get heavier as it's sort of tailing off now right now.
One thing I really hope though is that I didn't lose the baby during an examination and the nurse just slipped it away in case it upset me. Would they have to tell you if they thought the baby had come away or not? They kept referring to everything as "clots" and "tissue" so I'm not sure they would have to due to the gestation. I hope the baby hasn't gone and I can recover it at home in peace. If I've missed it I'll be heartbroken

 

[Blu10]

Hey hun, please rest up at home and good luck. You may not be able to distinguish baby from the other tissue, pleaee dont beat yourself up if you cant. Hugs x

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

If you want, i can send you a pic of what my baby looked like at 6wk. Send me a PM if you want. Then youll know what to look for!

 

[Spudtastic]

Lilmiss - I feel the same way as you but I try to tell myself that the souls of our babies are flying in heaven and that our memories of them are the most important thing ever. I really don't think you will have missed your baby but if you did he or she will always be with you in your heart.

 

[LilMiss_91]

Thankyou Spud. I strongly believe that all babies, no matter how tiny, all go to heaven. I have all 4 of my grandparents and 4 nephews/nieces (all very early losses) in heaven and I am sure my baby is being loved and cared for by them all right now until the day we can finally meet.
The bleeding has all but stopped completely now. I spoke to a GP at my surgery this morning to ask if it was ok and he was convinced that something was not quite right. He contacted the hospital and they confirmed that nothing had passed during my stay there so I definitely have NOT missed the passing of my baby. I've been given a follow up scan for tomorrow afternoon to see if anything is actually happening. It's going to be hard to go through it again but I just need this to be over with now. I want to bury my baby and move on with my life knowing that they are at peace.

 

[Cornfieldland]

Lilmiss....I was so sad to hear of your loss. I remember you from a earlier thread when you got your BFP. I'm so so sorry. I also had a MMC and had no idea...but also had that feeling like something wasn't right. I bled a bit, but my body didn't pass it on it's own. I'm sorry you have have to go through such an emotionally exhausting time. In the end I was able to bury mine and plant flowers as well. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, hugs to u and your family.

 

[Floralaura]

You can refuse to have Baby sent for testing-Its your choice.
I passed my Baby at home-The hospital then asked did I want to take Baby in for their cremation service and I just said no, I would do it myself.
I buried my Baby at my Dads grave so they aren't alone.
Do what you want to do, your body, your Baby and your choice xx

 

[Squiggy]

I was told "there's no heartbeat" and sent home. I did pass my baby in the toilet and we cremated the little baby on our own.
I returned to the hospital because of heavy bleeding and they kept asking if I'd brought it - it pleased me to say "NO." And I hated them every time they asked. They weren't going to dissect MY little baby and "dispose" of it like garbage that didn't matter.
Here in the U.S. one of my "options" was to wait for it to pass. It did come out on its own. I consider myself lucky because they didn't get to have their way with it.


I bought an Urn: https://www.ebay.com/itm/Angel-of-B...904?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item2c9b3d1260
And put her towel in there. When my husband cremated him/her, the ashes blew away. And I haven't mentioned this anywhere else, but I named the baby Phoenix Raine because he/she turned to ashes and flew away, it poured rain that night. But also, if were a girl, her name was going to be Phoebe Raine anyhow.


I believe it's YOUR right to do as you will with your lost baby. But hospitals don't give us that right.

 

[LilMiss_91]

Thankyou so much Floralaura and Squiggy. Both your posts made me feel so much better and stronger in my decision to "rescue" my baby from the hospitals "disposal" method. It seems so cold and heartless to me that they could dispose of ANY gestation baby like rubbish. It may only be tiny, it may not look like a "perfect" baby, it may not even be classified as a "foetus" yet, but it was and is a baby. A very tiny, (and in my eyes) utterly perfect baby, somebodys much loved baby. And as such it deserves to be treated with love and respect.
So I will definitely be saving my baby for a proper burial at home. No matter how tiny, they were mine. And I'm glad I got to carry them with me even if it was only for a short time. At least I can live knowing that my tiny bean lived their whole life safe and snug inside me.

@Cornfieldland Thankyou for your kind words I remember you too from the TWW thread. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss hun. Do you mind me asking if you opted for a D&C or medical? I have actually had another scan today and they confirmed that it looked like nothing much was happening. So I'm giving it another week to pass naturally but have a bed booked on the ward to try the Medical Management again next Thursday. I'm just praying it happens soon so I can properly deal with my loss in peace and privacy.

 

[LilMiss_91]

Odd feelings in uterus while I sit here. Not cramping or discomfort. In fact I would go as far as to say it feels like twitching. Like early in pregnancy when you first start feeling the baby move. This is so cruel

 

[dairymomma]

Ask your hospital about what they do with the remains if you do send anything in for testing. My dr has sent tissue samples in for testing to rule out molar pregnancy and genetic issues and I was leery about it at first until he told me their policy. Once the lab is done with everything, they send it back to the hospital (the lab is at another facility) for cremation. The cremains are then brought to a local cemetery and the hospital holds a memorial service every spring. I've been invited to attend every year since my D&C. It makes me feel so much better about everything knowing my babies are treated with respect and are buried in consecrated ground.

 

[Cornfieldland]

Odd feelings in uterus while I sit here. Not cramping or discomfort. In fact I would go as far as to say it feels like twitching. Like early in pregnancy when you first start feeling the baby move. This is so cruel

Lilmiss... My loss was pretty tramatic.
I don't want to scare you because each MC is different. I opted for the pills at first, because they said there was less risk. I hated the idea a my baby being scraped out and thrown away too. So I did it and it came out at home, it was hard, but I did get to bury it. But I didn't pass everything, I think I was to far along for pills, and began to bleed very heavily and had to have a emergency DnC anyways. If I could do it again, I think I would have been better off emotionally and physically just doing the DnC. But either way it's a terrible thing to go through

 

[Cornfieldland]

I did bury mine in a box a decorated in the front yard and planted flowers that are supposed to bloom this month....the month I was due. It does give some closer. There is just no easy way to get through it. I hope your DH is there for you and remember to not keep it all inside...talk about it together. You both need each other to get through it.