If you have a sibling..Advice needed

[katherinegrey]

I have three siblings, two with large age gaps and one closer to me, with me and my younger brother, we were fairly close but still fought a lot, I think it's natural for siblings to fight, and like someone else said, try not to take sides, and if one is obviously in the wrong, discipline them but explain why they were wrong. My mom on birthdays always got the other a small gift, even if it was just a tube of sweets, so they weren't left out and still made to feel special even though it was the others special day.

 

[lanaross]

The worst was that my mum always let my little brother do things like open some of my birthday presents to stop him crying. And if I went to a partty and got given a little bag of goodies/cake to take him, she would make me give it all to him!

that's mean! I would hide my presents lol I used to hide chocolate from mom if somebody gave it as a gift and eat it all alone under the table To this day I hate chocolate but once a year I buy a box of it and eat it in a day

 

[muffingirl]

I think be consistent. My parents now say they were tougher on me than my younger brother, I remember my groundings lasting the set punishment and my brother being let out early!
We did play together (two and half year gap) and I have happy memories of fun filled school holidays.
I think others mentioned the time will come when the older one can do more. For a few months I had to take my brother when out with friends (I think they did the same as children). This did nothing for my street cred ha ha! This soon stopped but it made me resentful at that time.

 

[misspriss]

Okay I was the middle child, but for 6 years I was the youngest. I didn't feel anything my parents did was unfair, but to be honest, my older sister thought some things were unfair.

My older sister and I were best friends, so I didn't mind that we had joint birthday parties and stuff. Occasionally my parents would "make" my sister take me places, which was probably unfair to her.

We had "separate" toys, but we played together so much we shared everything. I don't think my parents did anything to make us share, we just did. We were homeschooled and spent a lot of time together, so it was just loads more fun to play with each other than to play alone.

My younger sister was 6 years younger than me, and mom didn't make us play with her too much either, and we really didn't play with her much when she was a baby or toddler. Mostly we played with each other and mom played with my younger sister. We had no complaints.

 

[Noodlebear]

Try not to pick sides. Even if you pick the side of whoever is right (and trust me more often than not you will pick the wrong child to side with) it will still be hurtful to whoever you don't side with. Try to get them to comprise or share instead. So if there is an argument over a toy take it from both of them and find something else for them to do or get them to play with it together. I think a mixture of shared toys and individual toys is good. Shared toys encourage sharing and playing together (and will save you some money) but I think siblings often get seen as a pair rather than as individuals, giving them individual toys will allow them to show their personality. Also try not to rely to much on hand me downs as you'll make the youngest feel like they never get 'treated'. Be prepared that as they get older your eldest will be allowed to do things your youngest can't and your youngest will have issues with that but stick to your guns and try to distract them with things they can do. Make sure they get plenty of time away from each other, so they can do their own activities, and also that they get individual time with you and your partner as much as possible. Don't expect them to like the same things or to always want to entertain each other. And expect a lot of arguments. Be careful not to make your eldest feel responsible for the youngest. Unfortunately with most siblings they go through stages of lovin and hating each other but that's all normal.

I agree with most of this but the first bit is a really tough one!! I'm the oldest of 6, yes 6! We didn't all live together but the sister I lived with was a naughty child, not nasty but she'd act out and attention seek a lot. I was the complete opposite and would often get told off because I was too quiet and no one could hear a word I ever said lol. I remember countless times we were both punished for something I hadn't done and (obviously now it all seems stupid) at the time it was really damaging I think and I withdrew more because of it. I don't think it's about 'picking sides' but more - calming the situation to get a better picture of what happened and then deal with it appropriately. If that means one child gets told off and not the other then so be it, if both have been little so and sos then that's that. My mum was also much stricter with me, obviously trying to figure it all out as I was the biggest, but I think it's worth having a system on how to reinforce good/bad behaviour that you'll be able to remember and stick to for all children. Easy for me to say with my only child! lol

 

[hayz_baby]

I'm the eldest, technically of 3 but also grew up teenage yrs with a step bro and sis. I don't have a close relationship with either of my bros, I don't think it's due to how my parents necessarily raised us but there was a lot of tension and side taking during my parents divorce and especially me and my middle bro who is 2 yrs younger, we really struggled. To me it always seemed like he got away with a lot more then I could, he acted out and had a few issues with drugs that is still on going, he got kicked out/left at 17 tho. I think he felt compared to me as was cleverer then him at school and in comparison wasn't that bad. I withdrew a lot tho teenage yrs and had issues which mainly resolved aroundy mother which he knew but never understood. We talk and are civil but I don't think I have seen him for about a yr. I don't remember many times we played nice. I know there was a lot of fights. I think my parents could of done more to help us resolve them.my youngest bro is 6 yrs younger than me and had spent his life being more spoilt and Molly cuddled by both my parents. This was apparent at a young age and there was resentment between all of us when he would get his way more. I never really played with him. I'm not sure if it is partly the age gap/ partly the resentment as even now he gets away with a lot more then we did.
I'm more closer with my step sis and a bit of my step bro, especially now we are older, but I struggle having a close relationship with my siblings. Oh is a lot closer to his and has been (up to recent events) and I used to b quite amazed by it, he would txt his bro or sis asking how they were and i would think wow I would never do that!
They has their issues tho which are kinda similar ish tho so sometimes it's just personality clash but also how it's handled. He was middle child and also felt the one that was more naughty pushed aside and left to it. Even now he has had less help off his parents compared to his siblings. His eldest bro used to really beat and hurt him and as time went on altho they got on it was always his way instead of oh. His 2 younger sis were more let off then he was especially the youngest and got away with a lot more. It's defo about bring fair and ensuring they are all treated the same. Eg one child can take the bus but at similar age/ maturity level another can't so gets lifts everywhere. One will feel like they never got that special help and the other will either take advantage or feel like they were never trusted. I hope that my 2 will get on and look after each other and be close tho as it's something I never had.

 

[MommyJogger]

I'm six years younger than my brother. We hate each other. He's a good-for-nothing bum and a leach. My parents did everything wrong I think. I've been reading the book "Siblings without rivalry: how to help your children live together so that you can live too" (or something very close to that title). Every new chapter I was like "oh my god, that's so true". I highly recommend it. It covers a lot of bases and will give you a lot of food for thought about things you might not have realized you were doing or even considered could be done differently.

 

[Larkspur]

My younger brother and I have always gotten along well. We had sibling squabbles, but generally resolved them between ourselves. My parents' friends used to ask them what they put in our food to make us get along so well! And my parents used to joke that they could never get divorced because then they'd always be outnumbered (my brother and I would always side with each other if the other was in trouble for something).

We always had our own rooms and toys, though we often shared things like Lego and Playmobil.

In general I think my parents got it right, the only thing that caused issues with them is I was academically very strong at school and my brother was always pushed to not just do his best (which was very good) but to keep up with me, which was very tough on him because he never quite could.

So I will always aim to treat my kids as individuals in that sense.

 

[AlyssaAngel]

Favoritism does a lot of damage. I have two siblings, I'm very close with one, and don't talk to the other.

The middle child was a favorite, in fact I remember during the divorce my parents argued over who would get him. It wasn't because he was well behaved, it was because he struggled academically so he was wrapped in cotton wool.

I would say, don't turn your child into a baby sitter for their younger siblings. I was expected to cook, clean, and take care of my brothers. This caused huge resentment mostly because they didn't want to listen to their 'bossy' sister, who was just trying to remain in control of the situation. And I hated that they would leave messes every where and I'd get in trouble for it. I was never allowed to be the child, because there were two younger children. The main reason I don't get on with the middle brother is because I moved far away, and he saw me as the primary care giver (covered bills, cooked, cleaned etc) and hated that I was no longer there to support him, and felt abandoned. I stayed home until I was 22 to do that for them and didn't live my own life because I felt obliged to be a parent to them, because that is what my parents taught me to be. Ironically, the main reason me and the youngest are so close is because he see's me as more of a mother figure than our own mother haha

As a child we never shared, my parents would buy duplicates, usually in a different colour or something.

 

[lanaross]

I'm six years younger than my brother. We hate each other. He's a good-for-nothing bum and a leach. My parents did everything wrong I think. I've been reading the book "Siblings without rivalry: how to help your children live together so that you can live too" (or something very close to that title). Every new chapter I was like "oh my god, that's so true". I highly recommend it. It covers a lot of bases and will give you a lot of food for thought about things you might not have realized you were doing or even considered could be done differently.

Just read first chapter, sounds like a good advice. Now if I can only keep my cool and follow it