If you were a victim of violent crime.

[tina3747]

If you had the choice to send them to prison or confront them face to face and accept an apology which would you choose?

Just watching the wright show, a lady chose the latter. She said it was like a therapy for her being able to tell the perpetrator how he made her feel.

Would you be happy that they don't get 'punishment' by being locked up? Is it a good thing letting the victims have control over this sort of thing?

 

[Andypanda6570]

If it was a violent crime No i would not want to meet anyone, I would want them to go to prison. If it was something like a mugging or a low level offense then yes I would meet them.. A hard core criminal I don't think really gives a flying fruit how he made the victim feel, in most cases. So i would not waste my time letting them know how I felt.

 

[bumpy_j]

Unless if was something severe or sadistic like GBH, I would rather they did community service and apologised. I don't know if I could accept only an apology - it doesn't really hammer a strong message home, I'd have to hear the ladies story really.

 

[Kate&Lucas]

I don't think I'd go for the apology. I really don't think it should be up to the victims - if he walked straight out of there and re-offended, it'd be little comfort to the next victim I'm sure that he apologised first time around.

Reminds me of that story a little while back of that burgler who, when give the chance to write a letter of apology to his victims, he wrote to tell them that they were stupid and deserved to get burgled because they left a window open.

 

[Noelle610]

I have been the victim of a violent crime and I actually think I'd prefer the apology and perhaps community service. Reason being, there would be closure and I don't think this person is a huge danger to society. My opinion would be different if I believed he would hurt others.

I actually, however, do not think that victims should have decision making power in these circumstances. I believe the law should reflect what's best for society and should not legislate morality. I believe it should be sensible and not motivated by emotion.

 

[Tiff]

I was a victim as well, I chose not to go to the court to give my victim impact statement. Tbh I just wanted to get it all over with and I know he wasn't sorry for what he did so it felt silly for me to get up there and talk about how it affected my life.

That's just me though, I definitely think its a personal decision.

 

[Noelle610]

I was a victim as well, I chose not to go to the court to give my victim impact statement. Tbh I just wanted to get it all over with and I know he wasn't sorry for what he did so it felt silly for me to get up there and talk about how it affected my life.

That's just me though, I definitely think its a personal decision.

Oh, I totally understand where you're coming from. My post above was mostly a fantasy of what I'd do if an apology was actually offered. I don't believe the perpetrator of my crime thought they were in the wrong. In fact I still think he believes he didn't do anything terrible. Unfortuantely denial is powerful and people are delusional. They will do anything to justify their way of life.

 

[Tiff]

I was a victim as well, I chose not to go to the court to give my victim impact statement. Tbh I just wanted to get it all over with and I know he wasn't sorry for what he did so it felt silly for me to get up there and talk about how it affected my life.

That's just me though, I definitely think its a personal decision.

Oh, I totally understand where you're coming from. My post above was mostly a fantasy of what I'd do if an apology was actually offered. I don't believe the perpetrator of my crime thought they were in the wrong. In fact I still think he believes he didn't do anything terrible. Unfortunately denial is powerful and people are delusional. They will do anything to justify their way of life.

I hear you on the fantasy bit! At times though I do wonder if I should have done the impact statement. Since it was his first offense all he was sentenced to (aside from a restraining order from contacting me) was 38 hours of community service to be completed over a 9 month period. I think it worked out to an hour and a half a week?

Plus he got to pick where he did said community service.

He's a master manipulator and definitely knows just how to play people into thinking he's just a poor, helpless person who didn't have control over himself. Which is utter and total BS.

ETA - He also had to attend a anger management program. Which is a total joke and I told the Victim's Rights Agency that I dealt with as such. You can lead a horse to the water, you cannot make them drink. He had no interest at the time to get any sort of help. Even while he was under house arrest he snuck out of his house to call me from a payphone pleading with me to drop the charges. Not because he felt bad of course, but because he didn't want to have a record.

 

[Noelle610]

I was a victim as well, I chose not to go to the court to give my victim impact statement. Tbh I just wanted to get it all over with and I know he wasn't sorry for what he did so it felt silly for me to get up there and talk about how it affected my life.

That's just me though, I definitely think its a personal decision.

Oh, I totally understand where you're coming from. My post above was mostly a fantasy of what I'd do if an apology was actually offered. I don't believe the perpetrator of my crime thought they were in the wrong. In fact I still think he believes he didn't do anything terrible. Unfortunately denial is powerful and people are delusional. They will do anything to justify their way of life.

I hear you on the fantasy bit! At times though I do wonder if I should have done the impact statement. Since it was his first offense all he was sentenced to (aside from a restraining order from contacting me) was 38 hours of community service to be completed over a 9 month period. I think it worked out to an hour and a half a week?

Plus he got to pick where he did said community service.

He's a master manipulator and definitely knows just how to play people into thinking he's just a poor, helpless person who didn't have control over himself. Which is utter and total BS.

ETA - He also had to attend a anger management program. Which is a total joke and I told the Victim's Rights Agency that I dealt with as such. You can lead a horse to the water, you cannot make them drink. He had no interest at the time to get any sort of help. Even while he was under house arrest he snuck out of his house to call me from a payphone pleading with me to drop the charges. Not because he felt bad of course, but because he didn't want to have a record.

My experience is similar. He called to "apologize" prior to charges being pressed and then claimed that he had done nothing wrong.

It really goes against my core beliefs to think that some people aren't good at heart, but I think delusion is quite powerful.

 

[Foogirl]

I'd want both!

 

[SerenityNow]

I guess "violent crime" encompasses so much. I was punched in the face and mugged when I was traveling abroad and I think I'd rather have an apology. But my experience was "OW!!! WTF?!! Did that just happen?" It was really surreal and literally no more than a 30 second event, I could barely even describe the guy that mugged me. I have zero emotional reaction to the thought of him going to jail, but I like the idea of him apologizing (and giving back my purse!)

Totally different than being assaulted by someone who I'd had previous contact with, let alone someone who continued to contact me afterward!

 

[zanDark]

I was about 11 or 12 when I witnessed my father getting shot during a robbery...we were in a mall next to a jewelry shop that was getting robbed and they tried to shoot a security guard but got my dad instead...my mom pushed me into a store and the owner took me upstairs to protect me. Until the police came I had no idea if my parents were dead or alive and we were in Ecuador at the time. Thankfully my dad is OK but I was traumatized for years and detest guns of any kind. It wasn't a crime aimed at us, we were in the wrong place at the wrong time...but it's something I'll never forget.

I don't know what happened to those men and if they were ever caught but I hope to God they're still rotting away in some terrible prison. I'd never want to see them again as their apology or explanation won't erase those images or take away the anxiety disorder that stemmed from that incident.

 

[sue_88]

If someone had made me a victim of violent crime, I would do everything in my power to make sure that they would rot in hell.

Accepting an 'I'm sorry' that would mean jack sh*t to a criminal would be laughable.

 

[Sarahkka]

Tough one. I would hope that I would find a way to forgiveness, regardless of an apology, because I think that is what seems to offer many victims the most relief and closure from what I have read. I very much agree with Natsku, however - the victims should not be deciding the punishment and this sort of face-to-face thing would only work if the victim could handle it. There is strong evidence that it could go a long way towards rehabilitating the criminal, as well as helping the victim, in that both must look at each other as human beings and understand the incident through that lens. This would probably be most effective for more random acts, though. I don't think a victim of continual abuse should have to face her/his abuser or anything like that.
It is an interesting process to mull over. Most prison systems do little to change or help the criminal to fully understand what they did. It would be interesting to see what sort of impact a policy like this might have.

 

[tina3747]

It's interesting to see how many would accept the apology!

I think I'd just be happier knowing his freedom has been taken away and hopefully he's not having an easy time of it. I think it's my nature to want revenge though!
I just don't think the majority of criminals give a toss about the victims or thy possibly wouldn't do it in the first place.

 

[Noelle610]

The more I reflect on this, the more I think the apology option is ideal - I feel it could bring me closure. I've spent a lot of time in life holding onto resentment and anger and quite frankly it hasn't served me well. Being free of these feelings would help ME, so in a way it's selfish.

I'm obviously not advocating that criminals be left to roam the streets if they say "I'm sorry", especially if they're a danger to others.

 

[Tiff]

True! If I knew it was actually a heartfelt apology then I'd definitely want one too. Unfortunately in my circumstance I highly doubt that ever being an option. Even 2 years after I charged him he was STILL trying to contact me. Idiot.

It sucks trying to let go of the anger and whatnot when you know a person isn't sorry at all and blames YOU for all their problems. But such is life, and even though I am not a person who tries to get "revenge" per se, I feel better knowing that I have an awesome life now and he'll probably never will have meaningful relationships until he deals with his crap.

Not saying one way is more right or wrong, again I do feel this decision really falls into individual circumstances and personalities.

 

[Noelle610]

Ugh that's awful Tiff! So sorry you've had to deal with this!

 

[Tiff]

Spoiler

It was really starting to freak me out as it had been TWO years since I had charged him. The very last time he contacted me it was through a text (I had stupidly not changed my cellphone number) saying that it was really important and he needed to speak with me asap.

I was worried he had gotten some sort of STD and needed to contact previous partners. But since I had already had my kiddo and had been tested out the wazoo when I first found out I was pregnant I knew that even if he did I was okay.

So I contacted our police department's duty officer, kind of like an advice line to see if you have grounds for anything. He told me it was harassment especially since I had already charged him with assault two years prior and had a restraining order. He patched me through to dispatch and I got the biggest C**T of life. I don't use the "C" word that often but it fits this chick.

While explaining everything, she goes "Soooo... he hasn't actually threatened you." To which I replied that no, he hadn't. Then she goes on in this really snooty voice about how I was probably blowing things out of proportion, that maybe he really just wanted to make amends, etc. Basically blaming ME for him contacting me, when I hadn't said "boo" to him in over 2 years. Didn't even go to the conviction because I just wanted to be done with it and I didn't want to see or talk to him.

I actually got really upset and asked why the Duty Officer would patch me through if I didn't actually have something going on. She finally took my address and said that an officer would come to my place at some point, but she made it very clear that I wasn't high priority and it could be awhile.

I was SO upset. So much for sisterhood, eh?

But for as vile as she was, the officer who was dispatched was AMAZING. I told him the entire story start to finish, so the officer calls him and he doesn't answer the phone. Then calls the home phone and he finally picks up. The officer asked him what was so important that he was texting me and he couldn't think of a reason. He actually gave some BS response about how he apparently "drove by a sign on the highway" and it made him think of me?

The officer basically ripped him a new one, told him he was acting like a psycho and that he needed to stop contacting me. Also told him that because he was obviously just being a dick and trying to get back into my head that if he ever contacted me again he was going to write a note in each of our files stating that its immediate jail time.

That was 3 years ago and I haven't heard from him since. Thank frick! But that's the type of person he is. He doesn't have any remorse, he doesn't care at all about anyone else, he just wants what he wants when he wants it and gets crazy irritated if things don't go "his" way.


I guess part of that is why I'm so against victim blaming. That dispatcher made me feel like utter and complete shit for wanting some sort of normalcy in my life and not be constantly contacted by this douchebag. I wish I knew her name or whatever, or had enough sense of mind when I talked with her to at least write down what time I called her at. In retrospect I would have put in a formal complaint.

Wow. Sorry! Didn't mean to get into all of that. I don't really talk about it that often as it makes me angry but it felt good to get it out.

 

[Noelle610]

Tiff. That must be so frustrating since he basically won't let you move on with your life!