I'm a terrible, selfish, horrible mother...

[mommy2baby2]

at least that's how I feel! Let me introduce myself here. On September 20, 2010 my little boy Tristan was born at 33 weeks. Normal pregnancy, no problems but my water spontaniously broke. Was on hospital bedrest for 2 days while they gave me steriods for his lungs and Sulfate Magnisium to help with brain development. No infections or anything but the Dr decided to induce me, I had a vaginal delivery. All went well. That's the short and sweet version!

Tristan spent about 6 weeks in the NICU. I was the only preemie mother to use a pump and give him my own breast milk. It was important to me since breast milk is obviously better than formula (blah, blah, blah, we all know the breast feeding speech). At the time I was (and still am) very proud to be the only one who was dedicated to sit with a painful pump every 2.5 hours to benefit my baby.

But now he is almost 4 months old (almost 2 months adjusted) and I'm tired of breast feeding. My husband guilt trips me like crazy for wanting to quit but I want to have a little more freedom and tired of my breasts making me feel so unattractive. I have naturally large breasts and because of nursing, they are all veiny and make me feel self conscience.

EDIT: Just wanted to add that even though I'm tired of nursing and want to stop, at the same time I still want to continue. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. I've told myself I was going to stop, and even let myself get engorged but always back out and nurse or pump.

Has anyone else gone through this? What did you decide to do? I know breast milk is best but formulas in the US are very strictly regulated and I know they are very good too. I would put him on the Neosure preemie formula.

Maybe I just want to feel in control since everyone else keeps telling me what I should do.

Does anyone have any advice?

 

[toothfairyx]

Hello
I don't think you should be so hard on yourself! Ultimately you need to do what feels best for you and your baby.
I felt exactly the same, and was getting really tired of breastfeeding him after all the expressing I did whilst he was in hospital. In the end the decision was taken from me as my baby was really suffering with reflux and once his consultant put him on thickened formula he pretty much stopped wanting to breastfeed anyway which made me feel better.
Don't let others tell you what you want to do, take some time to decide what you feel is best and when you feel is the right time to stop.
Best wishes

 

[mommy2baby2]

Thanks! I just have such huge mixed feelings about it. I want to continue but then I don't. The goal was the nurse until he was about 2 or so. Maybe I'm just emotional!

 

[AP]

Certainly not selfish!
In the world of preemies, formula does have a benefit in terms of weight gain. So remember that too. Its hard to raise a question like this to anyone who hasn't been through the preemie experience.

I expressed for 3 months but I too felt the way you did. Once i made the decision to stop and used formula for a week or so, I felt better in time.

Tristian has had the best, everything else is a bonus now so don't beat urself up, whatever you do

 

[Sherri81]

I also pumped from the get go. I did it every 2 hours, and then lenthened it to every 4 hours. And I ended up filling an entire standing freezer within just 6 weeks...

But you know what.... at 12 weeks, after being like a fricking Jersey Cow, I just stopped producing breast milk. I just dried up. And the lactation consultant tried making me take a whole bunch of herbs and pills to boost my supply, and I just said no, it was obviously time to stop. She was so angry with me that she wouldn`t even get on the same elevator as me after that.

But I didn`t let her get to me. It was mine, and my body`s decision to stop. And after that we switched him to a preemie formula Similac used to make. I`m not sure if they still make it. But yeah, he gained weight better on the Similac. So I wouldn`t worry too much about other`s opinions. four months of breast milk is a good run.

 

[Marleysgirl]

I pumped & bottle-fed from the first couple of days through until Andrew being about 8m actual age. I was actually advised to stop by my Paediatrician, to switch Andrew onto higher calorie formula so that he would take in more calories and hopefully grow faster. I was upset at stopping, but I knew it was in his best interests.

Your husband shouldn't guilt-trip you - he should be supporting you in whatever you decide. Does he have to carry huge knockers around on his chest? No. Does he have to be hooked up to a milking machine every few hours? No. You are the one that it affects, so it is your decision.

Your son has had an incredible start in life by having breast milk for this long - he's had the benefit of your antibodies at a time when it is most important. I think you should congratulate yourself on "a job well done", and be happy about moving onto the next stage of your boy's life - with a happy Mummy who is in control of things.

 

[Foogirl]

I breastfed Abby for 14 months. I loved it and found it hard to give up. She was ready to stop waaay before I was. In the early months she got a bottle of EBM or two a day so I did get a break from it. But at 4 months, she quit bottles and I was tied to her every 3 hours. It was difficult. Especially when she had colic and was clusterfeeding all the time. And comfort sucking. I, too am on the large side and feeding played havoc with them.

But I did love it, and when we started weaning it was much easier to deal with as she didn't need me quite so much.

You are absolutely right, formula is regulated and will do your LO no harm. It will provide, nutritionally, everything your LO needs. What breastmilk does, is gives a little bit extra. It helps boost the immune system and is tailored to exactly what is needed, at any given point. It changes with the weather, with the time of day, and as your baby grows. Studies have shown that BFing for as little as 6 weeks gives a significant advantage, and your LO has had that benefit so you've given an excellent start.

Have you thought about a middle ground? How about replacing one or two feeds a day with formula to give you a break, and BFing the others? The good thing about this is it will help with engorgement etc. If you gradually decrease the feeds, by the time you stop it will feel more comfortable.

Make a list of pros and cons and see how it balances.

Pros.
Less faff (no bottles to scrub and sterilise)
Instant availability. I remember Mr Foo tryig to warm a bottle of EBM with a fractious, hungry Abby in his arms.
You don't need to take bottles of milk etc when you are out and about.
Instant Comfort. I lost count of the number of times we were in a restaurant or something and Abby was crying - whipped out the magic boobs and she settled immediately!
For me, nothing lovlier than sitting eating biccies, drinking tea and watching TV whilst she fed.

Cons.
You are tied to your LO for every feed.
Your boobs and nimples take a real battering.

I'm sure you can add to these and assess it, but the bottom line is, you need to do what is best for you. If your OH wants to guilt trip you, tell him straight. You've been through a lot. More than most mothers at this stage. Ask him how he would like to get up 2 or 3 or 4 times a night, every night. Ask him how he would like to never have even half a day out shopping or with friends without having to rush home to feed a baby. Ask him how he would cope with it all. Until he has done it, he has no right whatsoever to make you feel guilty for making the choice to stop. You've done brilliantly to get this far. Do not feel bad about this.

 

[cat81]

You are not horrible, selfish or a terrible mother at all. You have done a fantastic job getting to 4 months and have given your little boy the best possible start.

I know exactly how difficult it is expressing when you have a premmie in neonatal. I did the same as I was determined to breastfeed him. I am still feeding Thomas and I love it but I can totally understand your reasons for wanting to stop.

Everyone else has given great advice and all I would say is that whichever decision you make, don't feel bad about it. You have done such a fantastic job already and you will make the decision that is right for you and your baby - whatever that is. Just try to be sure before you make any changes as you don't want to look back and wish you had carried on. Maybe a period of combi feeding would help you to make up your mind.

Good luck. x