Im Desperate for No 2 but SIL is still trying for No1

[samsugar7]

My SIL has been trying for years has had 1 round of IVF and 1 IUI and not caught, her OH drinks like a fish so the family think that that cant be helping.

When i caught with Jaden we had to have a family meeting without her to discuss how and when to tell her and what i had to do to involve her with the pregnancy (yes i was told by OH's parents that i had to involve her at every step so she didnt feel left out) She literally cried for a week and refused to talk to me for 4 months as apparently i was being selfish having a child when i knew she couldnt have one.

She is still a bit funny but does interact with her nephew, but there are still digs about me pushing Jaden in her face and things like that. OH has one daughter who is 5 who stays every other w/e but he has said he would like another, i am keen to have another in the next 2 years to get it over and done with so to speak. Then i can spend time enjoying my children rather than dreading the pregnancy bit lol.

But what do i do? I understand how she feels and how horrid it must be for her to see people close to her having children but am i being selfish wanting aonther child? MIL and her are very close and im worried about making a rift in the family. On the other hand should i even be thinking seriously about putting my life on hold just because she with throw her dummy out of the pram again.

I want honest answers and will answer any questions if i have left any details out.

Sam x

 

[kittylady]

I think she is being very selfish and as you said 'throwing her dummy out of the pram' when things aren't going her way. Many of us on the WTT forum are watching others around us having children whilst we can't have them yet. But even though we get jealous, we swallow those feelings and are happy for those that can. My sister has never had a maternal instinct and never wanted kids yet now she has twin boys. But Im not going to fall out with her over it. She can't expect you to wait forever and this is your life too, you can't be expected to wait forever, which theres always a possibility that it will be, she may never have kids.

My mother had the same thing when she was pregnant, her sister had two boys and always wanted a girl, she said if my mum had a girl, which she did, then she wouldn't talk to her. She didn't even visit after my mum left hospital and was really ill and she hasn't had anything to do with me. But my mum got over it and everyone else lost interest after some time and just ignored her being immature.

If she is that immature should she be having kids? Maybe but the important thing is you live your life and do whats best for you, if your OH thinks its ok then its his sister and he should tell her to stop acting like a child herself. I hope you can work through this, I think its unfair on you and hope your ok

 

[Blah11]

i do feel sorry for her but she's being unreasonable. She can't expect people to mould their lives around her. If you want another child then you have the right to have another one

 

[Althara]

Oh gosh, I can totally see where both of you are coming from.

Whilst I totally get why she'd be crazy jealous of you, she is being ridiculously self-centred and immature, especially by calling you selfish for having a child... It's not your fault the poor woman's finding it hard to conceive...

At the same time, there's a time to be PC and a time to do what you think is best for you. If you want another child now, go for it. You were more than generous by letting her be involved with your last pregnancy, and you certainly shouldn't let her immaturity rule your life now.

I was crazy jealous when my sister found out she was pregnant. Fortunately I've remembered how old I am, lol, and now I just can't wait to have a little niece or nephew to practise my own mothering skills on! I hope your SIL can come around to a similar way of thinking soon... And I also wish her the best of luck TTC.

 

[calm]

I can understand people get a bit jealous, just because you want what they have. It doesn't mean you can't be happy for them, excited ect. But when people get such overpowering jealousy that it takes over and makes their behaviour so awful... I actually find all of that frightening.

I think you nead to do whats good for OH and you.

 

[beanz]

Blimey.

I have been trying for over two years and in that time I have had a miscarriage and my SIL has had a baby.

If I thought my family were having a meeting to discuss me I would be livid, embarrassed and upset.

That Dummy she is throwing is actually bourne from an incredible amount of heartache and I am sure that heartache extends to her mother too. I think you need to be more sympathetic and certainly it won't be helping to have other members of the family doing stuff like blaming infertility on her husband's drinking.

How about you sit down with her and talk like adults about how hard it is for her. Have you ever done this? Sometimes all it takes is to have other people aknowledge that you're going through a hard time without blame or judgement being thrown around.

 

[silverbell]

I feel very sorry for anybody who has trouble conceiving and it must be terribly difficult to go through this and watch friends and family around you getting pregnant. I can't even imagine how painful it must be.

However, I am firmly of the belief that your life is your own and you must be selfish when it comes to living your life in the way you want to live it. I do not believe that you should sacrifice your happiness and your lives for the feelings of this lady. Support her, love her and feel for her, by all means, but there's no way you should delay your life because of this, in my personal opinion.

 

[Lucy_lu_84]

i do feel sorry for her but she's being unreasonable. She can't expect people to mould their lives around her. If you want another child then you have the right to have another one

Agrees with this

 

[cupcake123]

You should be in control of your own life not her!

It must be very difficult for her, but she will see babies on a daily basis, and you already have a child, so I think that you should not be expected to put your life on hold for her. She can't pretend that other people don't have children. We all have difficulties in life but hiding away or making unrealistic demands is not the answer.

It sounds perhaps as if your OH's family wrap her in cotton wool a bit too much.

Sorry if I sound insensitive, I do realise that having difficulties conceiveing must be really heartbreaking, but its not something that you can personally change, so you should make your own plans, obviously with sensitivity and consideration for her feelings, I am sure you would hardly put it in her face anyway!

Good luck

 

[samsugar7]

Blimey.

I have been trying for over two years and in that time I have had a miscarriage and my SIL has had a baby.

If I thought my family were having a meeting to discuss me I would be livid, embarrassed and upset.

That Dummy she is throwing is actually bourne from an incredible amount of heartache and I am sure that heartache extends to her mother too. I think you need to be more sympathetic and certainly it won't be helping to have other members of the family doing stuff like blaming infertility on her husband's drinking.

How about you sit down with her and talk like adults about how hard it is for her. Have you ever done this? Sometimes all it takes is to have other people aknowledge that you're going through a hard time without blame or judgement being thrown around.

Yes i was livid when i found out about the meeting but she is often discussed in this manner as she admits to herself she is an emotional person who finds it hard to cope. I have sat down with her and her mother and talked all this through, her husband has had testd done on his sperm and been told that his count is low and it is a direct link to his drinking but he denies he drinks so much SIL knows about the drinking and that it can be effecting her chances so we are not just blaming it on that it is fact!!!

I am very sympathetic towards her and cant know what it feels like but surely i cant be expected to put my life on hold? And its not fair for her to expect me too?

Sam x

 

[trying4no1]

im sorry but she needs to grow the hell up, this is ur and oh life not hers, do u think she wud do the same for u?
not wanting to sound like a mean person but if u want a baby then have a baby u dont need to think how others will react just make a casual point when ur together that u and dh are thinking of trying for another baby but do it in front of ppl that way she may act more grown up and not show her self up by acting pathetic, im desperate for a baby, my best friend is duw in 2 months and i have to wait till the end of the year b4 i can try, am a jealous of her no not a bit im so happy for her i wish i was pregnant but im not and yes i thought i wish it was me, but i love my friend so much that i could never be jealous i will support and help her as i know she will do the same for me, i really wish ur SIL grew up and supported u when u fall preg again as she will except it when its her turn

 

[needausername]

while it must be hard for her seeing other people having what she wants she needs to grow up and stop being so self centered.

Do what you want. If it is the right time for you and your family then it is time you got trying

 

[Eightiesbirdx]

Of course your not being selfish wanting another, you go ahead and do what you want to do, as the other ladies have said you cant be expected to rotate having children around her because she cant have any

 

[cdejdemommy]

Your sister is being selfish and immature. She shouldn't expect you to stand back and wait for her and her husband to get it together and conceive a child before you even start thinking about having another one. I would sit down and talk with her like an adult. Tell her you know she's going through a lot and having trouble conceiving and all but you and your husband have decided to take the next step in your life and add to your family.
If she balks at that - too bad! It has never been her place to dictate when YOU should bring children into the world. I feel for her but the line has to be drawn somewhere.
She sounds like a pretty negative thinker and I think she also has a victim complex. She needs to get some therapy and enjoy her nephew (and future niece or nephew) regardless of what is going on in her life.

 

[beanz]

no - of course you can't put your life on hold. I am sorry if I sounded a bit off. I think I took the bit in your first post where you said "her OH drinks like a fish so the family think that that cant be helping. " to mean that the family were diagnosing her rather than it being a proper medical diagnosis IYSWIM.

I think you just have to be as sensitive as possible and there's no saying that you will fall pregnant immediately so maybe in time she will have come to terms with her infertility. Hopefully their consultant will have spoken to them about the steps they (her DH) can take towards improving his sperm results particularly if they are linking this medically to just his drinking alone and if they have allowed them to have both IUI and IVF. If they really are 100% sure that it is his drinking they may not let them have more fertility treatment unless he does cut down, I know my clinic has strict rules about these things.